1. Bill & Hillary Clinton
2. Jennifer Lopez  ["J-Lo"]
3. Britney Spears  [BS]
4. Madonna  [MD 20+20=40+]
5. Rosie O'Donnell
6. Julia Roberts
7. Oprah Winfrey
8. Ben Affleck   [we still do not know who this one is]
9. Tom Cruise
10. Halle Berry
11. Gwyneth Paltrow
12. Jennifer Aniston  [nor this one -- Ed.]
13. Eminem
14. Michael Jackson
15. Calista Flockhart

• Julia Roberts -- for "going through more men than a stomach virus on a cruise ship";
• Gwyneth Paltrow -- for "the actress most in need of a Wonderbra", and
• Oprah -- for "weight going up and down more than an elevator in Sears Tower"
 
[courtesy the Star – The National Enquirer had the  same
  list,  without credit to the Star:  Is that plagiarism?  Or
  collusion?  Or,  evidence of a corporate tie-in? – Ed.]

"Iran's morality police arrested a barber for giving short haircuts to
 girls seeking to pass as boys."

"TedF" <tedf@lakesnet.net> wrote Wed 18 Dec 2002 @ 08:22:12 CST:

What I don't understand is why those Japanese would want to look
at a pie from all those different places?    I  mean,  even if one were
into  Zen,  how many times can you enjoy the same pie?    I  mean,
what kind of a pie was it? In Polish, that might have been a pie-rog.

"Cardinal Bernard Law resigned . . . .  Henry Kissinger
 resigned . . . .  Trent Lott resigned . . . .  Jimmy Carter
 smiled   . . . .  North Korea denounced the new James
 Bond movie and said that America is 'the headquarters
 that spreads abnormality,  degeneration, violence,  and
 fin-de-siecle corrupt sex culture.' "   [O ax of us evil!]

"Mathematicians in Japan calculated pi to 1.24 trillion
 decimal places."

"It was reported that one of the weapons inspectors  [in Iraq]
 is the co-founder of Black Rose, a Washington-area pansex-
 ual S&M group."

Lance Farrell wrote Sun 24 Nov 2002 @04:48:11 EST:

Hey, wait-t.  That Bill Wyman story is true, I heard about that
on NPR.

The guy is a music and film reporter  for  an Atlanta newspaper
and a Stones fan  but had written an article this year about flash-
in-the-pan 60's artists,   mentioned the Stones' lack of creativity,
this article was clipped and sent to the other Wyman and promp-
ted the action. . . .

But that's not important right now.  Do people buy the tabloids for
true stories?  That may be seen as a lack of imagination.  Why not
Stones Bassist Finds Doppelganger in States -- Scientists say that
if they shake hands they will cease to exist.  Now that's a story. . . .

[Editor's note: We assume that everything reprinted in Tabloid Headlines
 is true.  That's what gives us cause  (certainly not pause)  for our pride in
 issusing such an interesting and lively publication.

[We do feel compelled to point out, however, that our source for the Bill
 Wyman headline was not one of the "tabloids" but Harper's magazine, all
 of whose "Harper's Index" items (the model for Harper's Weekly on line)
 are carefully researched.]

"Two sisters in Alabama who were driving to visit each other  died in a
 head-on collision."