Olivia Goldsmith,  author of The First Wives Club and
other popular novels turned into movies,  died of com-
plications from plastic surgery. She was 54. Her death
was announced by her lawyer.  Her  last  words  were
reported to be,  "I'm just dying to get rid of this double
chin."

Three of the six major tabloids  –  the Globe, the Star, and the
National Enquirer  – featured Britney Spears' wedding on their
front pages.     But you read about it first in last Sunday's issue
of Tabloid Headlines. 

Apparently unaware that no one has yet been there, Presi-
dent Bush pledged to "return" men to the moon. . . .  Aus-
tralian philosopher Paul Davies suggested  that a one-way
manned flight to Mars  would be much less expensive and
much more practical and that there would be plenty of vol-
unteers (the Jihad has suicide bombers, we got mad scien-
tists).  .  .  .  Israel's ambassador to Sweden vandalized an
art  exhibit  in Stockholm  that likened a suicide bomber to
Snow White.  . . . Wal-Mart's vice president for communi-
cations called the company's employees "associates." .  .  .
General Wesley Clark said of his wearing  argyle  sweaters
 to attract women voters, "I think there's an impression that
the armed forces is a male-dominated, hierarchical, authori-
tarian institution"  – "notwithstanding the fact," wrote Maur-
een Dowd in the New York Times,  "that the armed forces
is a male-dominated, hierarchical,  authoritarian institution."
.  .  .  Hillary  Clinton  apologized  for joking that Mahatma
Gandhi once ran a filling station in St. Louis.  .  .  . Hackers
tapped into a drive-through microphone at a Burger King in
Troy, Michigan, and told customers, "You don't need whop-
pers.  You're too fat.  Pull ahead." . . . Three streakers at a
Denny's  in Spokane  were left naked in the 20-degree out-
doors when a patron drove off in their car, their clothes in it.
. . .  A waitress at a restaurant in China with civet cat on the
menu came down with SARS. . . . An earlier patient had no
contact with civets but had thrown a mouse out the window
using his chopsticks. . . . Bridget Bardot was not amused by
China's extermination of civets, rats, raccoon dogs, and hog
badgers.  . . .  The Pope endorsed Mel Gibson's movie The
Passion of the Christ.

                         [items 6, 9-11 courtesy Harper's Weekly]

BRITNEY SPEARS and – OOPS! (we almost did it again)

Fosterdme@aol.com wrote Sun 04 Jan 2004 @12:03:26 EST:


The great minds are yours and that of the Editor's son, Malachi.  He is the Tabloid Headlines assis-
tant editor who advised us to clip and scan the Blondie strip for last Sunday's edition.    The attach-
ed bumper sticker also is his creation:




a.ende@att.net wrote Thurs 08 Jan 2004 @01:30:57 CST:

CAMILLA to be Queen? And I thought all along that it was going to be Charles.

I want to thank all the people who helped me when I was stuck in the
mud on Hwy. 728 on Dec. 19. The men who tried to help me get out
and emergency service workers were so helpful,  and the two gentle-
men with Yoakem's Wrecker Service who helped me get home.

                                                                                  Janice Devore

[classified ad, Edmonson (County, Kentucky) News, Jan. 8, 2004]

Jason Allen Alexander, who was married to Britney Spears for about 15
minutes last weekend, is writing a book titled "Me & Joe Dimaggio." . . .
A man in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, had 114 cats, five dogs and a snake
in his freezer, all former pets. .  .  . The FBI designated almanacs as signs
of terrorism. . . . An Air France flight was canceled because a 5-year-old
passenger's name was similar to that of a terrorism suspect. . . . Sao Pao-
lo police finger-printed tourists  to comply with a judge's order  that  U.S.
residents visiting Brazil be treated like Brazilians visiting the U.S. . . .  Af-
ghanistan's "loya jirga" adopted an Islamic constitution. . . .  God reassur-
ed Pat Robertson that George Bush will be re-elected. . . . Tug McGraw
died.
                                                   [items 2-6 courtesy Harper's Weekly]

The United States' mad cow's brain  and  spinal column  were
sent to a rendering plant for dog and chicken feed.  .  .  . U.S.
Agriculture Secretary  Ann Veneman,  a former beef lobbyist,
promised to feed her family beef for Christmas [Jean Chretien
ate a steak last year;  remember?]. .  .  . Fraternity boys at the
University of Georgia ate a  rabid  raccoon.  .  .  .  A Swedish
woman was arrested for trying to bake her 5-month-old baby.
.  .  .  A beauty queen was mauled by a hippopotamus in Bots-
wana, and a crocodile ate a man in Australia. . . .Willie Nelson
entered a Willie Nelson impersonators contest in  Owensboro,
Ky. . . . Officials in Hell, Michigan, considered changing the ci-
ty's name in the wake of the disaster in Bam, Iran.

                                   [items 1-5 courtesy Harper's Weekly]

ANN VENEMAN and the MAD COW
                                                                   [ courtesy Strange Times]