May 29, 2005:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in  the  supermarket  – this week's headlines:

IT'S SAUDI DOODY TIME!
           Arab TV airs sick children's show

                                                                 [courtesy Weekly World News]

Charles flees to monastery
       as Camilla parties

                                  [courtesy the Globe]

LIZ CURED BY FAITH HEALER

                                               [courtesy National Examiner]


45-lb. human toothpick
    weds 400-lb. man

                   [courtesy Weekly World News]


Fatty Arbuckle to be exhumed

                                                   [courtesy Strange Times]


Dumb news from Indiana:
Firemen were called to free a 3-year-old Elkhart boy who had crawled
inside a toy vending machine (he did not get a toy).

                                                [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]


Dumb news from Kentucky
:



Brownsville (Tabloid Headlines photo)


Borf's Weekly  BONUS:

An Indiana University biologist concluded that   the  female  orgasm
is  just  "for  fun." .  .  .  A city councilman in Vienna proposed using
DNA to identify dog droppings. .  .  .  Scientists in Singapore devel-
oped a system that allows people to pet chickens  over  the  internet.
. . . A bear took a swim in a backyard pool in a Los Angeles suburb.
. . . A camel sat on a woman painting a fence in West Virginia. . . . A
chicken got a ticket for for crossing the road in California. .  .  . Ford
suspended seven workers in Britain for watching woman-on-octopus
pornography  on company computers  (an employee complained that
management had no sense of humor). . . . An Arkansas man leapt out
the window of a car going 60 m.p.h. to retrieve his cigarette. . . . Con-
victed rapists were getting Viagra with Medicaid.  . . .  A  Dutch  man
was on trial for killing his mother,  skinning her,  and dressing up in her
skin to direct traffic while reciting Biblical verses. . . . A Colorado high
school yearbook was  recalled  to black out the quip under a student's
picture "most likely to assassinate President Bush." . . .  Jay Leno testi-
fied at  the  Michael  Jackson  trial,  "We have Renée Zellweger on the
show tonight."  . . .  Big Ben stopped.

        [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal, New York Times]


Spammer of the week:

"Reed Herring" sent us an e-mail.

DISCUSSION GROUP:

       Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the  Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Reed Herring  and
Jay Leno.

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" - Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




May 22, 2005
:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in  the  supermarket  – this week's headlines:


Earth will split in HALF in 2 months

                                                                        [courtesy Weekly World News]


SINATRA SMUGGLED MILLION$
                   for the Mob, Jerry Lewis reveals

                                          [courtesy National Examiner]


CHELSEA COLLAPSES!
       Lover caught in Iraq bomb blast

                                            [courtesy the Globe]


Soldier frozen in 1942
 is ALIVE

                         [courtesy Weekly World News]


AMERICAN IDOL VOTES RIGGED
                    – Contestant's shocking charge

                                                          [courtesy the Globe]


Eva Peron to be exhumed

             [courtesy Strange Times]


Letter from the Editor:

We are not going to show you Saddam Hussein in his underwear.
After all, Tabloid Headlines is a family publication.  But you can
see him in his underwear in the UK's Sun.


Dumb news from Indiana (it just keeps getting dumber):

Governor Daniels asked the federal government to hold hearings
on whether time zone boundaries in Indiana should  be  changed.
The new daylight savings time law suggests that  ten  counties  in
the central time zone should remain there.

                                        [courtesy AP, Louisville Courier-Journal]


Dumb news from Kentucky:

Five Hopkins County grade school boys, aged 6 to 8, were
charged with criminal sodomy after being caught cocksuck-
ing and cornholing in the boys' room.

                                                         [courtesy Courier-Journal]


Borf's Weekly  BONUS:

"Neither  one  of   them  has a working sense of humor,"  a  former
aide to Senator Bill Frist said of Frist and Senator Harry Reid.  . . .
Massachusetts  courts  dismissed  a man's lawsuit against a woman
who fractured his penis by changing positions while they were  "do-
ing it."  . . .  Tabloid Headlines recently hired a Mexican for a lowly
staff job we could not find a black person to do  (shhh!  Don't tell
anyone!   We'd have to take it back -- and fire the Mexican). .  .  .
It was reported that Michael Jackson used chimpanzees to dust his
house, clean his windows, and brush his toilets. . . .Scientists found
that sexually well-endowed fish are slower swimmers. . . .  The two
tiger cubs being breast-fed by a woman in Burma died. . . . A staf-
fer at Tabloid Headlines was seen flushing the Koran down the toi-
let  (shhh!  Don't tell anyone!  We'd have to retract it). . . .  A man
and his parents were killed in a role-playing murder game in Brazil.

           [courtesy New York Times, Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]


Spammer of the week:

" david200568@yahoo.com.tw" sent us an e-mail titled "=?big5?Q?=BD=D0=C5T=C0=B3=A4=DF=C6F=A7
 =EF=AD=B2=A8=F3=A7U=A5=D5=A4j=BD=C3=C2=E0=B5=AA=A5j=AA=DA=ABH=BCy=C0=EF
 =A4h=A5=DC=BDd=C1`=BEQ=AEv=AA=BA=AC=DD=AAk=B5=B9=BBO=C6W=B3=AF=C1`=B2=CE =C1=C2=AA=F8=A7=CA =B4=E5=BF=FC=B1X =B0=EA=B7|=C4=B3=AD=FB=B0=A8=AD^=A4E =B3s=BE=D4 =A7=BA=B7=A1=B7=EC =A4=CE=BCs=A4j=AA=BA=BBO=C6W=A4H=A5=C1=A4
=CE=A4=E9=A5=BB =AC=FC=B0=EA =BC=DA=B7=F9=A4=CD=A4H To convey the message--- Designer General--- from Master Furu-yoshi for Taiwan President, Prime minister Shie, Congressmen, Taipei Mayor, Ma, KMT Chief MR.Lien and PFP Chief Mr. Sung and all trades of Taiwan, and the ally of Japan, the US, and the Euro Community?=."


GIFT IDEA:

      Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as a gift!
It's free!  Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to the
recipient (don't use "bcc").  


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above -- without quotation marks,  and without
that redundant  "Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines -- or you
will keep getting this shit!   ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.   We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" - Karen Crockett





Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor





May 15, 2005
:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in  the  supermarket – this week's headlines:


ELVIS  IS  ALIVE
              and running for President

          [courtesy Weekly World News]


IRS  NAILS  O.J.
          Finally he's going to prison . . .

                 [courtesy National Examiner]


Hillary beats up Bill

                  after catching him with blonde

                                      [courtesy National Examiner]


'MAKEOVER' SAVES UGLY PUP FROM 'DEATH ROW'

                                                                                                                           [courtesy the Sun]


SEEING EYE SQUIRRELS FOR DOGS

                                                 [courtesy Weekly World News]


Late entries in Preakness Stakes:
                                         [courtesy the Racing Form]


James Dean to be exhumed

                     [courtesy Strange Times]


LETTERS to the EDITOR!

Henry Velenosi wrote Sun 08 May 2005 @16:55:09 PDT from Southern
California:

I  would  hate  to try that 15 pound burger.   In  this  area,  ground
beef w/15% fat is running $3.49 a pound.  The 15 pound burger is
either a loss leader or made with some very, very suspicioius meat.


Good suspicion,  and that's one reason we gave you a link on that one --
to give you all the ingredients. Only 10½ pounds ofthe Beer Barrel Belly
Buster is ground beef.   There are 25 slices of cheese,  a head of lettuce,
3 tomatoes,  2 onions,  a cup-and-a-half each of mayonnaise, relish, ket-
chup, mustard and banana peppers,  and a bun.

So that's – hmmm – still only $2.85 a pound for the ground beef, at most.
They have a lot of kangaroos in Pennsylvania, no? Or maybe you need to
ask your Gubernator where the beef is.  – Ed.


Dumb news from Kentucky:

A drunk who rode a horse into downtown  Somerset  was ar-
rested for driving a non-motor vehicle under the influence.

                                           [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Dumb news from Indiana:

A Ball State University student  from Columbus and her mother
were featured on the Today Show's  Mother's Day series  titled
"My Mom's Not the Greatest Cook."

                                                     [courtesy NBC, Courier-Journal]

[Editor's note:  My Hoosier mother was such a bad cook that until
 I was 22 years old and living alone, I thought eating was a chore.]


Dumber news from Indiana:

An arsonist destroyed a 137-year-old covered bridge in Parke County.

                                                                          [courtesy Courier-Journal]


Dumb news from Illinois:

A man in Zion said he stabbed his 8-year-old daughter and her 9-year-
old companion to death because the daughter was disobedient. The 30
wounds shared by the girls included stabs in both eyes of the daughter.

                                                                   [courtesy AP, Courier-Journal]


Dumb news from Michigan:

Two golf carts crashed while drag racing on a rural road at night, killing
a passenger.
                                                                   [courtesy AP, Courier-Journal]

Dumb news from Wisconsin:

A boy who went to his senior prom  in  a  dresss  was  fined  $249  for
disorderly conduct,  suspended from school for three days.  and barred
from his last track meet.
                                                                    [courtesy AP, Courier-Journal]


Borf's Weekly  BONUS:

May 9 was Orgasm Day in Espertantina, Brazil. . . . Anthony Lane
wrote in his New Yorker review of the film  "Hitchhiker's Guide to
the Galaxy" (in so many words), "Read the book." . . . AWashing-
ton woman found a snake with legs. . . . A new Revelation transla-
tion by spectral imaging found the number of the beast to  be  only
616, not "six hundred three score and six"  (whatever that is: 666?
12,066?  Calling Dr. Math!). . . .  A Florida woman survived a 9-
story fall from a condominum tower (she landed on a canopy). . . .
Brown was found to be babies' least favorite color. . . .An associ-
ate of the ballyhooed Al Qaeda captive  Abu Faraj al-Libbi  said,
"He made the coffee and did the photocopying."  . . . A gay rights
opponent accused of pedophilia, the Mayor of  Spokane said  he
surfed the web only for men of legal age.. . .Paul Bremer said in a
college  commencement  speech  that  Muslim extremists  oppose
separation of church and state. . . . Tiger Woods missed the cut.

                                      [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]


Spammer of the week:

"Fred" sent us an e-mail titled "Attention."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

       Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection  of
important current events  are invited to attend  the  Weekly World
News Round Table  at the offices of Borf Books  outside Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include  Rep.John Conyers,
who wrote in a letter signed by 88 members of Congress  to  inves-
tigate a British memo indicating fact-fixing by President Bush, "This
should not be allowed to fall down the memory hole during wall-to-
wall coverage of the Michael Jackson trial and a runaway bride.”


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" - Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




May 8, 2005
:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in  the  supermarket  – this week's headlines:


NEW POPE WRITES FOR ENQUIRER

[courtesy National Enquirer.   It was not said whether Benedict XVI  would be joining
 Anna Nicole Smith as a columnist for the Enquirer or
if the writing in the May 9 issue
 was just a one-time article.  Neither is
true:  What appeared on page 24 of the tabloid
 was an exerpt of a 19
85 terview with Ignatius Press, reprinted with permission. -- Ed.]


CAMILLA KICKS CHARLES OUT
             Marriage EXPLODES after ONE MONTH

                                                                [courtesy the Globe]


Emmett Till to be exhumed

                                                                        [courtesy Kansas City Star]


LETTERS to the EDITOR!

Keith Durbin wrote Tues 3 May 2005 @17:07:02 CDT:

Last week's edition of Tabloid Headlines reaffirmed my belief
that there is a relationship between gay marriage and uranium.


Dumb news from Indiana:

Brothers 3 and 5 years old  took  the  family  van  for  a five-mile joy ride in
Rochester before crashing into a pile of dirt at a fertilizer store.  Both sat be-
hind the wheel:  Apparently one steered while the other pushed the pedals.

                                                      [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]


Dumb news from Kentucky:

A school bus in Harlan County ran over a 6-year-old boy who had just got
off.
                                                                       [courtesy Courier-Journal]


Borf's Weekly  BONUS:

Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval rating in California  dropped be-
low 50 per cent.  .  .  .  The president of the Navajo Nation  vetoed
the bill,  passed unanimously by the tribal council,  to ban gay marri-
age. . . . A Pennsylvania diner introduced a 15-pound burger,  cost-
ing $30. . . . Arab  newspapers  reported that Donald Rumsfeld met
with Saddam Hussein and offered to free him for a cease-fire.  .  .  .
Laura Bush told a horse dong joke  at the White House Correspon-
dents' dinner.  .  .  .  Texas legislators waving pompons passed a bill
prohibiting "overtly sexually suggestive" cheerleading. . . . Cairo was
planning to abate noise by banning individual calls to prayer.. . . The
Museum of Foreign Debt  opened  in  Argentina.  . . .  The National
Basketball Association fined theHouston Rockets' coach  $100,000
for accusing it of a conspiracy against Yao Ming.

                                [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]


Spammer of the week:

"Randolph Reyes" sent us an e-mail titled "cometh If it is
almost time for your next intake."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

       Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the  Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future  include  the  President  of
the Navajo Nation and Jennifer Wilbanks.
 

GIFT IDEA:

      Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as a  gift!
It's free!  Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to the
recipient (don't use "bcc").  


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above -- without quotation marks,  and without
that redundant  "Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines -- or you
will keep getting this shit!   ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.   We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"You are always one minute from nothing."

                                            – Nick Zito, trainer, who had five horses in yesterday's Ken-
                                               tucky Derby including the favorite and three of the next
                                               five favorites none of which even showed.


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




May 1, 2005
:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


ALIEN BIBLE FOUND
                They worship Oprah
     
                             [courtesy Weekly World News]


'Hitchhiker's Guide' gets lost
    
                                                                          [courtesy ABC News]


Hard luck story
    MAN HAS ERECTION FOR A YEAR
     
                                                                                 [courtesy Weekly World News]


LETTERS to the EDITOR!

Bruce Mitchell <ibam@charter.net> wrote Sun 1 May 2005
@00:00:14 PDT (i.e, just after midnight this morning):

Where's my Tabloid Headlines!!??  I'm sick to death
of these delivery delays. . . .


David Foster<Fosterdme@aol.com> wrote Sun 24 Apr 2005
@12:18:22 EDT (i.e., last Sunday) -- from Maine:

Wow!  Lots of good stuff in "Headlines" this week.  I'll
limit myself to these comments:

1)  "Eggs Benedict" was pretty good,  but  I  also  liked
      "Papa  Ratzi"  (NBC, I think).

2)  I believe that Kitty Kitty wandered into Wisconsin.

3)  I was a little disappointed that the Maine bobcat sto-
     ry didn't make it into the bonus material.    It may not
     qualify as "Dumb News from Maine" but it was good
     human interest  as to what's expected of 90-year-old
     women in rural Maine.

You didn't read the follow-up to the Maine bobcat story?   The
poor woman wants privacy:  Grandmother who stopped bob-
cat
shuns media.  We at Tabloid Headlines  don't  give  a  shit
what Karen Crockett says (and we don't know who she is); we
respect privacy.  Besides,  we already had a coldcockin' grand-
ma story, from London; and we are trying to expand our foreign
coverage.

P.S.  "From Hitler Youth to Papa Ratzi"  was a headline  in the
London tabloid the Sun.   Sorry we missed it last week!   They
don't carry that Sun at our local Cee Bee store. – Ed.


Daniel Waddell, of Louisville, Ky., wrote the editor of the Courier-
Journal:

I would need to  have  my  own  column  to respond every
time Cal Thomas writes something stupid. . . .


Dumb news from Indiana:

The General Assembly revived the daylight savings time bill and
passed it, on the next-to-last day of the session  (but they're sa-
ving daylight savings time for next year).

                                                               [courtesy Courier-Journal]


Dumb news from Kentucky and the rest of the wild West:

What  do  Churchill Downs,  the Ford Motor Co.,  the Humane
Society of the United States,  the  Pony  Express  Delivery  Ser-
vice, the American Horse Protection Association, Willie Nelson,
Bo Derek, Mary Tyler Moore, Nicollette Sheridan, Tony Curtis,
Richard Gere and Senator Robert Byrd have in common?

They're all up in arms over the Bureau of Land Management sale
of 41 mustangs to be  slaughtered  for  dinners  overseas.   Con-
gressman  Nick Rahall  (D-W.Va.)  said,  "Those involved in the
slaughter of wild horses and burros have blood on their hands."

Congressman Ed Whitfield (R-Ky.)  said,  "No horses should be
slaughtered for food."
                                                                [courtesy Courier-Journal]

[They eat cattle, don't they? – Ed.]


Borf's Weekly  BONUS:

Four hundred Iranians, including a mother, signed up to be suicide
bombers.  .  .  . A woman was stoned to death for adultery in Af-
ghanistan.  . . .  A woman in Burma was breast-feeding three tiger
cubs. . . . Israeli zookeepers fed their gorillas  kosher  matzos  for
Passover.  . . .  Entertainment Tonight will broadcast the wedding
of  Mary  Kay  Letourneau  and her former sixth-grade pupil. . . .
The Navajo Nation banned uranium mining and gay marriage. . . .
An American businessman paid $802,600 over the internet  for  a
house  in India,  only to discover it was the  Prime  Minister's  res-
idence and not for sale. . . . Russia's President Putin called the de-
mise of the Soviet Union  "the greatest geopolitical catastrophe of
the century." . . . Residents protested plans in Salem, Mass., for a
nine-foot public statue of the late  Elizabeth Montgomery,  star  of
TV's  "Bewitched." . . .  A cemetery in Australia got permission to
inter bodies vertically.  .  .  . More than a thousand toads have ex-
ploded in a pond in Hamburg, Germany.

                                      [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]


Spammer of the week:

"Christian Debt Removers" <brilliantmarketinginc@bmtrafficker.com> sent
reader Gerry Blue an e-mail  titled  "Remove you Debt the Christian Way."


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" - Karen Crockett






Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor