May 29, 2005: Things
you would never know if you did not
browse the
tabloids
while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket –
this week's headlines:
IT'S SAUDI
DOODY TIME!
Arab TV airs sick children's show
[courtesy
Weekly World News]
Charles flees to monastery
as Camilla parties
[courtesy
the Globe]
LIZ
CURED
BY FAITH HEALER
[courtesy
National Examiner]
45-lb.
human toothpick
weds 400-lb. man
[courtesy
Weekly World News]
Fatty
Arbuckle to be exhumed
[courtesy
Strange Times]
Dumb news from Indiana:
Firemen were called to free a 3-year-old Elkhart boy who
had crawled
inside a toy vending machine (he did not get a toy).
[courtesy Louisville
Courier-Journal]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Brownsville (Tabloid Headlines photo)
Borf's Weekly
BONUS:
An Indiana University biologist concluded that
the
female orgasm
is just "for
fun." . . . A city councilman in Vienna proposed
using
DNA to identify
dog droppings. . . . Scientists in Singapore devel-
oped a system that allows people to pet chickens over
the internet.
. . . A bear took a swim in a backyard pool in a Los Angeles suburb.
. . . A camel sat on a woman painting a fence in West Virginia. . . . A
chicken got a ticket for for crossing the road in California. .
. .
Ford
suspended seven workers in Britain for watching woman-on-octopus
pornography on company computers (an employee complained
that
management had no sense of humor). . . . An Arkansas man leapt out
the window of a car going 60 m.p.h. to retrieve his cigarette. . . .
Con-
victed rapists were getting Viagra with Medicaid. . . .
A Dutch man
was on trial for killing his mother, skinning her, and
dressing up in
her
skin to direct traffic while reciting Biblical verses. . . . A Colorado
high
school yearbook was recalled to black out the quip under a
student's
picture "most likely to assassinate President Bush."
. . . Jay Leno testi-
fied at the Michael Jackson trial, "We
have Renée Zellweger on the
show tonight." . . . Big Ben stopped.
[courtesy Harper's
Weekly, Courier-Journal,
New
York Times]
Spammer of the week:
"Reed Herring" sent us an e-mail.
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers
interested
in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Reed Herring and
Jay Leno.
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment"
- Karen
Crockett
May 22, 2005:
Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket –
this week's headlines:
Earth
will split in HALF in 2 months
[courtesy
Weekly World News]
SINATRA
SMUGGLED MILLION$
for the Mob, Jerry Lewis reveals
[courtesy
National Examiner]
CHELSEA
COLLAPSES!
Lover
caught in Iraq bomb blast
[courtesy
the Globe]
Soldier
frozen in 1942
is
ALIVE
[courtesy
Weekly World News]
AMERICAN
IDOL VOTES RIGGED
– Contestant's shocking
charge
[courtesy the
Globe]
Eva
Peron to be exhumed
[courtesy Strange Times]
Letter from the Editor:
We are not going to show you Saddam
Hussein in his underwear.
After all, Tabloid Headlines is a family publication. But you can
see him in his underwear in the UK's
Sun.
Dumb news from Indiana (it just keeps getting
dumber):
Governor Daniels asked the federal
government to hold hearings
on whether time zone boundaries in Indiana should be
changed.
The new daylight savings time law suggests that ten
counties in
the central time zone should remain there.
[courtesy AP, Louisville
Courier-Journal]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Five Hopkins County grade school boys,
aged 6 to 8, were
charged with criminal sodomy after being caught cocksuck-
ing and cornholing in the boys' room.
[courtesy Courier-Journal]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
"Neither one of
them has a working sense of humor," a former
aide to Senator Bill Frist said of Frist and Senator Harry Reid.
. . .
Massachusetts courts dismissed a man's lawsuit
against a woman
who fractured his penis by changing positions while they were
"do-
ing it." . . . Tabloid Headlines recently hired a Mexican
for a lowly
staff job we could not find a black person to do (shhh!
Don't tell
anyone! We'd have to take it back -- and fire the Mexican).
. . .
It was reported that Michael Jackson used chimpanzees to dust his
house, clean his windows, and brush his toilets. . . .Scientists found
that sexually well-endowed fish are slower swimmers. . .
. The two
tiger cubs being breast-fed by a woman in Burma died. . . . A
staf-
fer at Tabloid Headlines was seen flushing the Koran down the toi-
let (shhh! Don't
tell anyone! We'd have to retract it). . . . A man
and his parents were killed in a role-playing murder game in Brazil.
[courtesy
New York Times,
Harper's
Weekly,
Courier-Journal]
Spammer of the week:
"
david200568@yahoo.com.tw"
sent us an e-mail titled "=?big5?Q?=BD=D0=C5T=C0=B3=A4=DF=C6F=A7
=EF=AD=B2=A8=F3=A7U=A5=D5=A4j=BD=C3=C2=E0=B5=AA=A5j=AA=DA=ABH=BCy=C0=EF
=A4h=A5=DC=BDd=C1`=BEQ=AEv=AA=BA=AC=DD=AAk=B5=B9=BBO=C6W=B3=AF=C1`=B2=CE
=C1=C2=AA=F8=A7=CA =B4=E5=BF=FC=B1X
=B0=EA=B7|=C4=B3=AD=FB=B0=A8=AD^=A4E =B3s=BE=D4 =A7=BA=B7=A1=B7=EC
=A4=CE=BCs=A4j=AA=BA=BBO=C6W=A4H=A5=C1=A4
=CE=A4=E9=A5=BB =AC=FC=B0=EA
=BC=DA=B7=F9=A4=CD=A4H To convey the message--- Designer General---
from Master Furu-yoshi for Taiwan President, Prime minister Shie,
Congressmen, Taipei Mayor, Ma, KMT Chief MR.Lien and PFP Chief Mr.
Sung and all trades of Taiwan, and the ally of Japan, the US, and the
Euro Community?=."
GIFT IDEA:
Send a
Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as a gift!
It's free! Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to
the
recipient (don't use "bcc").
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if
you don't want to receive any more of this inane
crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and
punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above -- without quotation marks, and
without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject lines
-- or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work,
either.
We
have a special filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone
else's momentary
entertainment" -
Karen Crockett
May 15, 2005:
Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
ELVIS
IS ALIVE
and
running for President
[courtesy Weekly World News]
IRS
NAILS O.J.
Finally he's going to prison . . .
[courtesy National
Examiner]
Hillary
beats up Bill
after
catching him with blonde
[courtesy
National Examiner]
'MAKEOVER'
SAVES UGLY PUP FROM 'DEATH ROW'
[courtesy the
Sun]
SEEING
EYE SQUIRRELS FOR DOGS
[courtesy
Weekly World News]
Late
entries in Preakness
Stakes:
- Biggerthanabredbox
- Keatettle
- Glowa Mi
Boli
- Badyear
Blimp
- superhorsiobrother
[courtesy
the Racing Form]
James
Dean to be exhumed
[courtesy
Strange Times]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
Henry Velenosi wrote Sun 08 May 2005
@16:55:09 PDT from Southern
California:
I would hate to try
that 15 pound burger. In this area,
ground
beef w/15% fat is running $3.49 a pound. The 15 pound burger is
either a loss leader or made with some very, very suspicioius meat.
Good suspicion, and that's one reason we gave you a
link
on that one --
to give you all the ingredients. Only 10½ pounds ofthe Beer
Barrel
Belly
Buster is ground beef. There are 25 slices of cheese,
a head of
lettuce,
3 tomatoes, 2 onions, a cup-and-a-half each of mayonnaise,
relish,
ket-
chup, mustard and banana peppers, and a bun.
So that's – hmmm – still only $2.85 a pound for the ground beef, at
most.
They have a lot of kangaroos in Pennsylvania, no? Or maybe you
need to
ask your Gubernator where the beef is.
– Ed.
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A drunk who rode a horse into
downtown Somerset was
ar-
rested for driving a non-motor vehicle under the influence.
[courtesy
Louisville Courier-Journal]
Dumb news from Indiana:
A Ball State University student
from Columbus and her mother
were featured on the Today Show's Mother's Day series
titled
"My Mom's Not the Greatest Cook."
[courtesy NBC,
Courier-Journal]
[Editor's
note: My Hoosier mother was such a bad cook that until
I was 22 years old and living alone, I thought eating was a
chore.]
Dumber news from Indiana:
An arsonist destroyed a 137-year-old
covered bridge in Parke County.
[courtesy
Courier-Journal]
Dumb news from Illinois:
A man in Zion said he stabbed his
8-year-old daughter and her 9-year-
old companion to death because the daughter was disobedient. The 30
wounds shared by the girls included stabs in both eyes of the daughter.
[courtesy
AP, Courier-Journal]
Dumb news from Michigan:
Two golf carts crashed while drag
racing on a rural road at night,
killing
a passenger.
[courtesy
AP, Courier-Journal]
Dumb news from Wisconsin:
A boy who went to his senior prom
in a dresss was fined $249 for
disorderly conduct, suspended from school for three days.
and barred
from his last track meet.
[courtesy AP,
Courier-Journal]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
May 9 was
Orgasm Day
in Espertantina, Brazil. . . . Anthony Lane
wrote in his New Yorker review of the film "Hitchhiker's Guide to
the Galaxy" (in so many words), "Read the book." . . . AWashing-
ton woman found a snake with legs. . . . A new Revelation transla-
tion by spectral imaging found the number of the beast to
be only
616, not "six hundred three score and six" (whatever that
is: 666?
12,066? Calling Dr. Math!). . . . A Florida woman survived
a 9-
story fall from a condominum tower (she landed on a canopy). . . .
Brown was found to be babies' least favorite color. . . .An associ-
ate of the ballyhooed Al Qaeda captive Abu Faraj al-Libbi
said,
"He made the coffee and did the photocopying." . . . A gay rights
opponent accused of pedophilia, the Mayor of
Spokane said he
surfed the web only for men of legal age.. . .Paul Bremer said in a
college commencement speech that Muslim
extremists oppose
separation of church and state. . . . Tiger Woods missed the cut.
[courtesy
Harper's
Weekly,
Courier-Journal]
Spammer of the week:
"Fred" sent us an e-mail titled
"Attention."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection
of
important current events are invited to attend the
Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.
Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Rep.John
Conyers,
who wrote in a letter signed by 88 members of Congress to
inves-
tigate a British memo indicating fact-fixing by President Bush, "This
should not be allowed to fall down the memory hole during wall-to-
wall coverage of the Michael Jackson trial and a runaway bride.”
"Your worst humiliation is only
someone else's momentary
entertainment" -
Karen
Crockett
May 8, 2005:
Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
NEW
POPE WRITES
FOR ENQUIRER
[courtesy
National Enquirer. It was not said
whether Benedict XVI
would be joining
Anna Nicole Smith as a columnist
for the Enquirer or
if the writing in the May 9
issue
was just a
one-time article. Neither is
true: What appeared on
page 24 of the tabloid
was an exerpt of a 1985
terview with Ignatius Press, reprinted with
permission. -- Ed.]
CAMILLA
KICKS CHARLES OUT
Marriage EXPLODES after ONE
MONTH
[courtesy the Globe]
Emmett
Till to be exhumed
[courtesy Kansas City Star]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
Keith Durbin wrote Tues 3 May 2005
@17:07:02 CDT:
Last week's edition of Tabloid
Headlines reaffirmed my belief
that there is a relationship between gay marriage and uranium.
Dumb news from Indiana:
Brothers 3 and 5 years old
took the family van for a five-mile
joy ride in
Rochester before crashing into a pile of dirt at a fertilizer
store.
Both sat be-
hind the wheel: Apparently one steered while the other pushed the
pedals.
[courtesy
Louisville
Courier-Journal]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A school bus in Harlan County ran over
a 6-year-old boy who had just
got
off.
[courtesy Courier-Journal]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval rating
in California dropped be-
low 50 per cent. . . . The president of the
Navajo Nation vetoed
the bill, passed unanimously by the tribal council, to ban
gay marri-
age. . . . A Pennsylvania diner introduced a
15-pound
burger, cost-
ing $30. . . . Arab newspapers reported that Donald
Rumsfeld met
with Saddam Hussein and offered to free him for a cease-fire.
. . .
Laura Bush told a horse dong joke at the White House Correspon-
dents' dinner. . . . Texas legislators waving
pompons passed a bill
prohibiting "overtly sexually suggestive" cheerleading. . . . Cairo was
planning to abate noise by banning individual calls to prayer.. . . The
Museum of Foreign Debt opened in Argentina. . .
. The National
Basketball Association fined theHouston Rockets' coach $100,000
for accusing it of a conspiracy against Yao Ming.
[courtesy
Harper's
Weekly,
Courier-Journal]
Spammer of the week:
"Randolph Reyes" sent us an e-mail
titled "cometh If it is
almost time for your next intake."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers
interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include the
President of
the Navajo Nation and
Jennifer
Wilbanks.
GIFT IDEA:
Send a
Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as a gift!
It's free! Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to
the
recipient (don't use "bcc").
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if
you don't want to receive any more of this inane
crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and
punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above -- without quotation marks, and
without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject lines
-- or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work,
either.
We
have a special filter to detect that.)
"You are always one minute from nothing."
– Nick Zito,
trainer, who had five horses in yesterday's Ken-
tucky Derby – including the favorite and three of the
next
five favorites – none of which even showed.
May 1, 2005:
Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
ALIEN
BIBLE FOUND
They worship Oprah
[courtesy Weekly
World News]
'Hitchhiker's
Guide' gets lost
[courtesy
ABC News]
Hard luck
story
MAN HAS
ERECTION FOR A YEAR
[courtesy Weekly
World News]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
Bruce Mitchell
<ibam@charter.net>
wrote Sun 1 May 2005
@00:00:14 PDT (i.e, just after midnight this morning):
Where's my Tabloid Headlines!!??
I'm sick to death
of these delivery delays. . . .
David
Foster<Fosterdme@aol.com>
wrote Sun 24 Apr 2005
@12:18:22 EDT (i.e., last Sunday) -- from Maine:
Wow! Lots of good stuff in
"Headlines" this week. I'll
limit myself to these comments:
1) "Eggs Benedict" was pretty good, but I
also liked
"Papa Ratzi" (NBC, I think).
2) I believe that Kitty Kitty wandered into Wisconsin.
3) I was a little disappointed that the Maine bobcat sto-
ry
didn't make it into the bonus material. It may not
qualify as "Dumb News from Maine" but it was
good
human interest as to what's expected of
90-year-old
women in
rural Maine.
You didn't read the follow-up to the
Maine bobcat story? The
poor woman wants privacy: Grandmother
who stopped bob-
cat shuns
media.
We at Tabloid Headlines don't give a shit
what Karen Crockett says (and we don't know who she is); we
respect privacy. Besides, we already had a coldcockin'
grand-
ma story, from London; and we are trying to expand our foreign
coverage.
P.S. "From Hitler Youth to Papa Ratzi" was a headline
in the
London tabloid the Sun. Sorry we missed it last
week! They
don't carry
that Sun at our local Cee Bee store. –
Ed.
Daniel Waddell, of Louisville, Ky.,
wrote the editor of the
Courier-
Journal:
I would need to have
my own column to respond every
time Cal Thomas writes something stupid. . . .
Dumb news from Indiana:
The General Assembly revived the
daylight savings time bill and
passed it, on the next-to-last day of the session (but they're
sa-
ving daylight savings time for next year).
[courtesy
Courier-Journal]
Dumb news from Kentucky and the rest of the wild West:
What do Churchill
Downs, the Ford Motor Co., the Humane
Society of the United States, the Pony Express
Delivery Ser-
vice, the American Horse Protection Association, Willie Nelson,
Bo Derek, Mary Tyler Moore, Nicollette Sheridan, Tony Curtis,
Richard Gere and Senator Robert Byrd have in common?
They're all up in arms over the Bureau of Land Management sale
of 41 mustangs to be slaughtered for dinners
overseas. Con-
gressman Nick Rahall (D-W.Va.) said, "Those
involved in the
slaughter of wild horses and burros have blood on their hands."
Congressman Ed Whitfield (R-Ky.) said, "No horses should be
slaughtered for food."
[courtesy
Courier-Journal]
[They eat cattle, don't they? – Ed.]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
Four hundred Iranians, including a
mother, signed up to be suicide
bombers. . . . A woman was stoned to death for
adultery in Af-
ghanistan. . . . A woman in Burma was breast-feeding three
tiger
cubs. . . . Israeli zookeepers fed their gorillas kosher
matzos for
Passover. . . . Entertainment Tonight will broadcast the
wedding
of Mary Kay Letourneau and her former
sixth-grade pupil. . . .
The Navajo Nation banned uranium mining and gay marriage. . . .
An American businessman paid $802,600 over the internet for
a
house in India, only to discover it was the
Prime Minister's res-
idence and not for sale. . . . Russia's President Putin called the de-
mise of the Soviet Union "the greatest geopolitical catastrophe
of
the century." . . . Residents protested plans in Salem, Mass., for a
nine-foot public statue of the late Elizabeth Montgomery,
star of
TV's "Bewitched." . . . A cemetery in Australia got
permission to
inter bodies vertically. . . . More than a thousand
toads have ex-
ploded in a pond in Hamburg, Germany.
[courtesy
Harper's
Weekly,
Courier-Journal]
Spammer of the week:
"Christian Debt Removers"
<brilliantmarketinginc@bmtrafficker.com>
sent
reader Gerry Blue an e-mail
titled "Remove you Debt the Christian
Way."
"Your worst humiliation is only
someone else's momentary
entertainment" -
Karen
Crockett
