• Secret SECOND marriage
• Steamy week together before her death

Toni wrote Sun 3/18/12 @14:24 EDT:

            Tabloid Headlines!!!

Tony wrote Weds 3/21/12 @11:30 CDT: 

Congratulations on Tabloid's 10th anniversary of truly bizarre and sarcastic humor!

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 3/18/12 @09:51 PDT:

Whew! Lucky the woman who fell down the garbage chute
didn't get compacted along with the trash.

"Along with"?  How do we know she wasn't trash?  – Editor

Senator Richard Lugar, who has had no home in the state since he
sold his Indianapolis residence  in 1977,  agreed to repay the U.S.
Treasury $4,500 for hotel stays in Indiana. . . .

The Bureau of Motor Vehicles granted a specialty license plate to a
gay rights organization, the Indiana Youth Group,  and  then,  under
pressure from the state senate, rescinded it, and rescinded specialty
plates for the 4-H and Greentree foundations as well. . . .

A deputy sheriff speeding to the scene of a motor vehicle crash near
Fort Wayne struck a van in the side, killing the driver of the van and
injuring two passengers in the van.
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

As many as 40 per of women reported exercise-induced orgasm in a
study reported by the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana
University, an affiliate of the Kinsey Institute.
                                                                                    [ABC News]

The General Assembly passed a bill to require seat belts  in  vans
carrying 15 passengers or fewer (buses can wait). . . .

And (speaking of buses) the state senate passed a bill to allow par-
ents to send their children to schools nearest their homes (in an at-
tempt to undo half a century of desegregation).
                                                                                 [courtesy AP]

     
    Jefferson County constable David Whitlock, who shot a shop-
    lifting suspect in a Wal-Mart parking lot in suburban Louisville,
    awaits court hearing on charges of assault and wanton endan-
    germent (he claims it was an accident). [Courier-Journal photo]

"Our political system is so methodically and deliberately stupid."
                                                                                                        – Newt Gingrich

"The dangers of carbon dioxide?  Tell that to a plant, how
 dangerous carbon dioxide is."
                                                                – Rick Santorum

"The earthquake was felt as far south as Gualemala."
                                                                                        – Shay Stevens, National Public Radio News

"eleanorbeardsleynprnews"
                                                – Eleanor Beardsley, NPR News, Paris

Paul Michael Glaser (Starsky, or Hutch?), 69
Roger Bannister, 83

According to the think tank 24/7 Wall Street and Harper's magazine, George Washington was more than 2½ times as wealthy as Mitt Romney in inflation-adjusted dollars.  .  .  . The legal team defending accused Afghan massacrist Rob- ert Bales will be led by the lawyer who defended Ted Bun- dy. . . . Syrian President Bashar al-Assad e-mailed his wife lyrics to Blake Shelton's "God Gave Me You," which goes, " . . . I've made a mess of me  –  The person that I've been lately – Ain't who I wanna be . . . "  . . . A post mortem re- port concluded that Whitney Houston drowned  (in a bath- tub) under the influence of heart disease and cocaine. . . .A Nigerian woman was arrested at Dulles Airport with nearly five pounds of heroin in her stomach  (in  180  thumb-sized pellets, some of which she passed while being charged). . . . Dick Cheney canceled a trip to Toronto, considering Cana- da too dangerous – and then took heart. . . . A bill to make the Cairn terrier (Toto's breed) Kansas' state dog  died in a legislative committee  (PETA was opposed). . . .  A cat fell from the 19th floor of a high-rise in Boston, Massachusetts, landed in a tiny patch of mulch, and scampered back to the building. . . . Passing motorists picked up nearly all the $5,- 700  in bills and coins  that fell from an armored truck on I- 270  in  Maryland  (none of it was reported returned). .  .  . Schoolchildren in Union County, North Carolina, were ask- ed to dress in "African American attire" (or animal prints) on Black History Day. . . . Four employees were fired by a law firm in Deerfield Beach, Florida, for wearing orange shirts on Fridays.                   Examples of "African American attire" ––––––––>

Jay-Z     Al Sharpton     Donna Britt Trayvon Martin        Whitney

 Katy Perry warned a London bride-to-be, "Don't get married!"

                     [courtesy Harper's Weekly, MSNBC.com, AP]

I made a terrible mistake.   I had an affair and got
pregnant.  I didn't tell my husband; but he's acting
strange, and I think he suspects. Will he find out I
cheated?  Should I confess?
                                               Worried in Winnetka

A school bus ran into the supporting wall of an underpass in Indianap-
olis, killing the driver and a child.

Perp of the week: David Earl Ison,  of Glenwood, pleaded guilty  to  last year's Oxycodone  killings of  five  persons  in and  around  Laurel for a life sentence.

  [courtesy Associated Press]

A school bus driver was arrested for DUI (of a loaded school bus)
in Butler County. . . .

Another bridge over Kentucky Lake was struck by a barge.

                                                                                 [courtesy AP]

"Better to be a dictator than gay."
                                                          – Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus

" . . . the momentum of his speed . . . ."
                                                                  – Clark Kellogg, broadcasting the first game
                                                                     of the NCAA basketball tournament

"Son of a bitch!  Why is this happening?"
                                                                      – Rachael Plath, weather girl, KRDO-TV,
                                                                         Colorado Springs  (here's the video)

Facebook and Twitter were among 20  "app"  providers
named defendants in  a  class  action  suit  filed in Austin,
Texas, for misusing personal information including names,
telephone numbers, email addresses, job titles, and birth-
days.

Mia Hamm, 40
Liza Minnelli, 66
Tabloid Headlines, 10

A tour bus collided with a tunnel wall in the Swiss Alps, kill-
ing  the  driver  and 27 of the Dutch and Belgian passengers,
including 22 children.  . . .  A  school  bus  collided head-on
with a Pepsi truck near Somerset,  Pennsylvania,  killing  the
truck driver and injuring 23 students. . . . Four young Amish
whose buggy collided with a police car in Chautauqua Coun-
ty, New York,  were charged with illegal possession of alco-
hol.  .  .  . A woman fell down her apartment's garbage chute
trying to retrieve a cell phone in Dunwoody, Georgia (her fall
was stopped by a trash compactor). . . . NATO military offi-
cers were friended on Facebook by Chinese spies.  .  .  . "E-
mo" hit lists circulated in Iraq. . . . A move to raise the age of
criminal responsibility from 7 to 12 in Pakistan was opposed
by authorities arguing that spicy food made their children ma-
ture earlier.  .  .  . Austrian  restaurateurs  proposed renaming
"gypsy schnitzel"  and  "Moor’s  shirt"  as  "cutlet with pepper
sauce"  and "chocolate dessert with cream,"  respectively. . . .
The $8,100 winning e-bidder on a Chicken McNugget adver-
tised to be shaped like GeorgeWashington's head  backed out
on the deal. . . . Pat Robertson suggested that Jesus would not
have been opposed to the use of marijuana. . . . A 9-year-old,
250-pound boy was tasered for playing hooky in Mount Sterl-
ing, Ohio. . . .  President Obama and Prime Minister Cameron
dined on bison Wellington in theWhite House. . . . The world's
tallest man,  Turkey's 8-foot, 3-inch Sulfan Kosen, 29,  under-
went pituitary gland surgery at the University of Virginia to stop
growing. . . .Lindsay Lohan denied scraping a man's knee with
her black Porsche as she left a Hollywood night club surround-
ed by paparazzi at 12:30 in the morning.  .  .  .  Marie Osmond
peed her pants on a cruise ship stage. .  .  . Two  different  girls
born in Alberta, Canada, last year were named Unique.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

        University of Kentucky's Terence Jones                          University of Louisville's Shoni Schimmel

                [photo by Michael Clevenger                  courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal                  photo by David Lee Hartlage]

My dad has a bumper sticker on his car  that  says
"LUPIESZ  NA  BUTACH."   My Uncle Bogdan
says it's a Polish joke, but I don't understand. Can
you explain it?
                                                                Janina

It's feminine hygiene. Use an anti-dandruff shampoo.

• Whitney tried to take her own life 48 hours before she died
• Cops now investigate: Did she deliberately overdose on pills?

• Who[m] she FIRST did drugs with (it wasn't Bobby)
• She HATED her mom and Kevin Costner
• She had THREE lesbian lovers
  
• The VIOLENCE – who slashed her face

J. Ewing wrote Sun 3/4/12 @10:47:56 EST re recent legis-
lative proposals to confer "personhood" upon sperm:

Someone commented in the Democratic Underground
that if the resolution adopted by the Wilmington, Dela-
ware, City Council caught fire, every teen-age boy with
surging hormones and a Playboy  would be a mass mur-
derer, and spring break in Key West would exceed the
Holocaust.

Councilwoman Loretta Walsh of Wilmington and State Senator
Constance Johnson of Oklahoma have become "heroines of hy-
perbole," taking huge risks of being taken seriously.   –  Editor

The LaPorte County Jail released a third inmate by mistake in
five weeks. . . .

Ninety-eight cats – 14 of them dead – were removed from a
condemned house in Fort Wayne. . . .

A Jewish professor of political science at the Calumet campus
of Purdue University in Hammond was the subject of an anti-
Semitic cartoon in the student newspaper. . . .

Peyton Manning choked up as he broke up with the Indianap-
olis Colts.
                                                     [courtesy Associated Press]

A Somerset woman seeking shelter during a tornado
warning died in her closet  after the doorknob broke
and she couldn't get out – of starvation? thirst? heart
attack?  (she had a heart problem,  and did not have
her medicine with her)  smothered by blankets? – no
one could say, or how long she had been there – and
it "will not be recorded as a storm-related death"  by
the National Weather Service,  as her house was not
damaged. . . .

A 31-year-old Lawrence County woman lied about be-
ing a tornado victim to get a free cabin in a park, where
she held a wild party. . . .

Four men allowed into a  storm  damage  area  of Laurel
County to help clean up  were arrested for stealing metal
from leveled homes. . . .

Having finally given in on orange safety triangles on horse-
drawn buggies, state legislators seemed less than eager to
take on Amish tractors with unrubbered metal wheels dig-
ging ruts in blacktop roads  (perhaps Sandra Fluke should
be invited to address the General Assembly on the issue).

                                                                   [courtesy AP]

Secretary of State Alison Lundergan Grimes revealed that she had selected 1,127 persons to be "Kentucky Colonels" (the commissioning of which is a  preroga- tive of the Governor's) in her first two months in off- ice, of whom 675 were donors to her 2011 election campaign. "Given  that  her father was a past head of the state  Democratic party, she is well versed in politics. Of  course he was also convicted of  bilking   the  state  with his catering company  and  of  jury tampering.  So I guess she learned how to play loose . . . ."   – reader comment to Louisville Courier-Journal.

Grimes               [courtesy    Courier-Journal]

[In fuller disclosure, we must admit that being a Kentucky Colonel is no big
 deal:  The editor of Tabloid Headlines is a Kentucky Colonel.  – Ed.]

"You have to play cards on Yahoo! to realize how stupid
 people are.  Or watch the election returns."
                                                                         – Snotta Gupta

"It's a landfill election."
                                      – Leonard Pitts, Miami Herald columnist

"I feel that it's OK because I have no income, and I have bills to pay.
 I have two houses."
                                    – Amanda Clayton,  of suburban Detroit,  who won $1 million
                                       in the Michigan lottery and continued to collect food stamps

Bow Wow, 25
Shaquille O'Neal, 40
Kiki Dee, 65
Micky Dolenz, 67
Chuck Norris, 72
Lloyd Price, 79
Keely Smith, 80
Ornette Coleman, 82
Ara Parseghian, 89

Borf's weekly BONUS: Passenger trains collided head-on in southern Poland (16 persons died). . . . The top U.S. District Judge of Montana acknowledged forwarding e-mail suggesting that President Obama's father could have been a dog. . . . Obama's transgender former nanny was hounded by the press in Jakarta, Indonesia. . . .Maryland Con- gressman Roscoe Bartlett denied supporting a tax de- duction for mustaches. . . . A cannibal and a  vampire doing life in  Swedish  prisons  fell in love on an inter- net chat line and planned to marry. . . . A sixth-grade girl who told a teacher,  "I don't have time for this," was handcuffed and taken to "Juvenile" in suburban Denver,  Colorado.  . . . A nurse's aide in Portland, Oregon,  was jailed for posting photographs on her Facebook page of elderly patients  using  bed  pans. . . . A Seattle, Washington, man with one too many friends on Facebook was charged with bigamy. . . . Osama  bin  Laden's  three  widows  were charged with illegal immigration in Pakistan. . . . An Oxnard, California, junior high school science teacher, identi- fied by the Smoking Gun as Stacie Halas,  was sus- pended on  suspicion of moonlighting as hard-core internet porn actress Tiffany Six.

Amanda Clayton                  Bartlett     Tiffany Six (Stacie?)

I recently turned 50, and I hate it.  I've had to quit
playing sports.    I was well on my way to depres-
sion when a woman half my age came into my life.

I love my wife.  We have been together more than
25 years.  I would never cheat on her.   But I can't
seem to get "Wanda" out of my head.   We  e-mail
each other and have gone out for lunch a couple of
times, and I find myself growing quite fond of her.

Is this what they call  midlife  crisis?   I  don't  know
what to do. Well, I do know what to do. I just need
to hear it from someone else.
                                                  Desperate for Help

• Drug party with Bing Crosby
• Sex in Jackie's bedroom

Tornadoes leveled the Clark County towns of Marysville and Hen-
ryville and killed more than two dozen persons in Southern Indiana
and Kentucky.
                                             [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

The Anderson "racino" Hoosier Park was fixing to bid on Indiana
Downs, the bankrupt "racino" at Shelbyville. . . .

A 24-year-old male Spanish teacher, a 24-year-old male band di-
rector, and a 20-year-old male aide were charged with having sex
with a 16-year-old boy at North Putnam High School in Greencas-
tle. . . .

Brown and Owen were among rural counties  returning to gravel
roads because they can no longer afford asphalt (although maybe
that's  smart  news:  "Dirt roads are self-policing,"  Tim  Brookes
wrote in The Driveway Diaries: A Dirt Road Almanac). . . .

A dead 4½-foot alligator with its chops taped shut was found in a
log jam by fishermen on the Kankakee River in Starke County.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

ESPN hottie Erin Andrews will deliver the keynote address at the
Kentucky Derby Festival's "They’re Off!" luncheon April 20. . . .

New Kentucky Secretary of State Alison Lundergan Grimes thank-
ed her campaign contributors by making them "Kentucky colonels"
– even though such commissions, supposed to be nonpolitical, must
be issued by the Governor (the Secretary of State's role is to regis-
ter the commissions).
                                                             [courtesy Courier-Journal]

The state tourism commissioner resigned in a flap over over a contract
with a PR firm that marketed Kentucky to British tourists  with  a  web
site describing "road kill bingo."
                                                 [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

"When there are too many midwives, the baby comes out backward."
                                                                                                                – Afghan proverb

"There are too many fucking Tories in here."
                                                                        – Labour M.P. Eric Joyce, shortly before he head-
                                                                           butted Tory M.P. Stuart Andrew and slugged
                                                                           three others at a House of Commons bar

"I challenge you to distinguish a naked prostitute
 from any other naked woman."
                                                           – Henri Leclerc, attorney for Dominique Strauss-Kahn

"I have some great friends who are NASCAR team owners."
                                                                                                    – Mitt Romney

Bart Stupak, 15
Tempest Storm, 21
Rossini (1792-1868) would have been 53. (The linked Guardian blog err-
    ed initially  in calculating some leap birthday anniversaries,  pointing out
    that years ending in 00 – centenary years – normally are not leap years,
    but overlooking that centenary years divisible by 400, including the year
    2000,  are  leap  years.  The blog was corrected.  For further reference,
    renew your subscription to Scientific American – or,  see  any  reputable
    dictionary.  – Ed.)

Justin Bieber, 18
Josh Groban, 31
Lou Reed, 70
Vivaldi (1678-1741)
Karen Carpenter (1950-1983)

Louise Estes, of Provo,Utah,  gave birth to a third straight Leap
Day baby.  .  .  . Armed  guards  were stationed at the grave of
Whitney Houston,  who was buried in $300,000 worth of bling.
. . . A Michigan man whose son died in Iraq burned a New Jer-
sey flag on his outdoor grill when he learned that American flags
were ordered flown at half-staff for Houston's funeral. . . .Hous-
ton was found to have been the subject of  10  per cent  of U.S.
media coverage in the week after her death.  .  .  . Target stores
discontinued a Whitney Houston greeting card (which had been

   

available long before her death). .  .  . Martina Navratilova was
headed  for Dancing with the Stars  (along  with,  we  presume,
Whitney Houston). . . .An Egyptian poker dealer in Las Vegas,
ready to change careers, hired another man to design a hitman-
forhire.net web site for him  and  then  turned to Google to find
ways to kill people. . . . Padge Victoria Windslowe was arrest-
ed  in  Philadelphia,  Pennsylvania,  as  she was about to hold a
butt enhancement injection "pumping party." . . . The same Can-
adian dentist who paid $31,000 for John Lennon's pulled molar
four months ago got a gold crown  from  Elvis  Presley's  mouth
for only $10,000 at auction. . . .  Sperm and ova were declared
persons in a resolution passed by the city council of Wilmington,
Delaware. . . . A Frenchman sued Google over a "Street View"
photo of him pissing in his front yard.  . . . The "auto-correction"
of a student's intercepted text message resulted in the lockdown
of two schools in Gainesville,  Georgia  –  "gunna be at west hall
today" was "corrected" to "gunman . . . "  (our "spell check" sug-
gests "gonna" – Ed.).

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

    

My husband, "Harry," and I have been married for
32 years.  Recently Harry lost his job to disability.

Six months ago Harry suggested we sell the house
and move to his home town two hours away. I re-
fused  because of my two jobs  and  our  children,
who live near us.  Harry says he spends too much
time alone while I work.   I have tried to find hob-
bies for him,  but now he says he is going  "home"
without me.  He said he still wants to "date" me.

Does Harry still love me? Will I have to find a third
job to make the house payments?
                                                            Nervous Nell

DISCUSSION GROUP:       Don't   forget!   Readers  interested  in  intellectual dissection  of  important  current  events  are invited to attend  the  Weekly World News Round Table  at  the offices of Borf Books outside Brownsville,  Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.    Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near future include Sandra Fluke. >

'Slut'