, 2012:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines (this issue brought
to you by Kohler, the novotoilet):


                                                                                                                                                                       [adv.]

Stephen Yates wrote Sun 4/22/12 @10:45 CDT:

Did the Michigan Nazis converge in Frankfort yesterday?

See "dumb news from Kentucky," below, and "quotations of the
weak," below. – Ed.


Dusty Hopkins wrote Sun 4/22/12 @1:46 CDT  re  the "Coriolis
effect" (see Jan. 22 issue) and Madry Chlopak's "quotation of the
week" in last week's issue:

Even if it is only "slight," at least when you drain the bath
water you'll know which way the baby went.

Cash blew from a bank robber's car onto I-94 as police chased him
109 miles from LaPorte, Indiana, to Elburn, Illinois (and police warn-
ed motorists that picking it up could land them in jail, ha, ha). . . .

A texting trucker rear-ended a school bus on the west side of India-
napolis, injuring nine children. . . .

A  naked  Hoosier  darting back and forth  across  Interstate 29  in
South Dakota was struck by a drunk driver and killed. . . .

Police made 271 arrests over Indiana University's Little 500 week-
end in Bloomington. . . .

Three 14-year-old girls were expelled from school in Griffith for jo-
king  on  Facebook  about which of their 8th grade classmates they
would like to kill  (and the American Civil Liberties Union has sued
the school system in their behalf). . . .

Bullets from a Russian-made machine gun,  fired at a shooting festival
held by a gun shop in a rural area of Cass County,  entered a home in
the town of Galveston, a mile away, narrowly missing a woman and a
child inside. . . .

A deer entered a couple's home in Auburn and got stuck in the bath-
room (see "quotations of the weak," below).

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

An all-girl Catholic high school in Covington hired a lawyer to col-
lect  a half-million dollar pledge  made  by  a  wealthy  couple  for
whom it named a new arts wing in anticipation of the money.

                                                                              [courtesy AP]



At least 70 policemen joined some 50 Ku Klux Klansmen and A-
merican Nazis marching on the Capitol in Frankfort  to  keep  the
peace among approximately 200 counterdemonstrators. . . .

The state Supreme Court ruled that a University of Kentucky pro-
hibition  of  guns kept in automobile glove compartments  violated
the United States Constitution's 2nd Amendment prohibition of in-
fringement on the "right to bear arms" but that prohibition of carry-
ing guns on the person on campus was OK. . . .

Cyndi  Lauper  earlier this month was named "grand marshal" of the
Kentucky Derby Festival's annual  "Pegasus Parade,"  but now Uni-
versity of Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari has been named
"honorary grand marshal." . . .

For more dumb news from Kentucky, see the sports, below.

                                             [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"The only problem is that we need all of the Fucking residents to agree
 to the name change."
                                      – Franz Meindl,  mayor  of  Fucking,  Austria,  in  a
                                         TV interview regarding changing his town's name

"If you are black, we don’t want you back."
                                                                         – chant at Nazi gathering in Frankfort, Ky.

"We're not a hate group.  We're a white civil rights organization."

                                                – Jeff Schoep, commander of the National Socialist Move-
                                                   ment, in opening remarks at the Nazi rally in Kentucky

"Chris Coleman tells The Star of Auburn she was stunned Friday when the deer jumped
 through a window in the front door of she and her husband's Auburn home."

                                                                                                            – the Associated Press

The President "believes that all of us who travel abroad represent our country and
our people of the United States,  and that we need to behave with the utmost, the
highest levels of integrity and probity."
                                                                – Jay Carney, White House spokesman, on the
                                                                    latest revelation of Secret Service agents'
                                                                    cavorting with prostitutes in Latin America
                                                                    (like, he sorta "doesn't get" the issue, does he? – Ed.)

Two University of Washington juniors invented
a bra designed to carry an i-Phone.

Princess Infanta Sofía, 5
Princess Maud Behn, 9
Kelly Clarkson, 30
God Shammgod, 36
Jim Ryun, 65
Bobby Rydell, 70
Barbra Streisand, 70
Shirley MacLaine, 78
Carol Burnett, 79
Anouk Aimée, 80
Jack Klugman, 90
Conrado Marrero, 101

Norwegian massassin  Anders Behring Breivik  said he lost
contact with friends and family after his attack on a summer
youth camp in Oslo,  and he compared his grief  to  that  of
the families of  his 77 victims. . . .The Secret Service agents'
cover  in  Cartagena,  Colombia,  was  blown  by a woman
known as  Dania,  who said she didn't get all the money she
was promised. .  .  . An Egyptian named Ramadan went on
line at an internet café  to view pornography for his first time
and found a video featuring his wife. . . .The Ontario Human
Rights Tribunal ruled that penis removal  is not a prerequisite
to reclassification as a female. .  .  .  Another Double Bypass
Burger attack was reported at the Heart Attack Grill  in  Las
Vegas, Nevada. . . . A Chinese firm was promoting a line of
"Helen Keller sunglasses." . . . A man in a gun safety class in
Roanoke,Virginia, shot himself in the hand and his wife in the
leg,  with  one  bullet. . . . The Virginia Department of Motor
Vehicle yanked a vanity license plate reading  "F.OSAMA."
.  .  . Taylor Swift was being touted to play Joni Mitchell in a
forthcoming bioepic for the silver screen.

                  [courtesy Harper's Weekly, MSNBC.com, AP]

Mary J. Bilge will sing the National Anthem  at  this year's Kentucky
Derby (plug yo' ears! – there'll be a YouTube link in next week's is-
sue of Tabloid Headlines). Here's her rendition at the 2004 National
Football League kickoff with orchestra led by Keith Lockhart (when
she had an idea how the tune went – but not a very good one). Here
is her rendition at game  6  of  the  2009 World Series  (pretty  bad).
And here  she  is  at the National Basketball Association's 2012 All-
Star Game (worse yet, and she seems to be having a harder time car-
rying the tune as years go by).   Don't take our word for it:   Here's a
critical home boy.

Bob and I are both divorced.   His wife was un-
faithful, and so was my husband.  We fell in love
even though we live miles apart.  I recently visit-
ed him for the second time  to talk about our fu-
ture.   He wanted me to meet his friends,  and  I
happily agreed.

"Tina" is a longtime family friend and claims to be
Bob's wife's best friend.  Bob is godfather to two
of her children.  During  dinner,  Tina made inap-
propriate advances toward Bob.   He finally con-
fessed to me  that they had a one-night stand  af-
ter he discovered his wife had been cheating.   It
happened long before he met me,  and Bob says
he feels terrible about it.   But  Tina  made sure I
knew they had a sexual history. It took every bit
of reserve I had  to  maintain my composure that
evening.

While I have zero respect for a woman who sleeps
with her best friend's man,  I am also unhappy with
Bob.   He  has done everything in his power  since
then  to prove that he loves me  and wants a future
with me,  but I cannot get past the fact that he and
Tina crossed a boundary and still expect to remain
friendly.  What  kind  of man would want to merge
his past with his present?
                                                 Feeling Confused

DISCUSSION GROUP:       Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events  are  invited  to attend the Weekly World News Round Table  at the offices of Borf Books outside Brownsville, Ken- tucky,  just  after  church  every  Sunday. Guest  speakers  lined up for meetings in the near future include Marine Le Pen.

                                                                                                [thanks to TedF for the forward]

Dumb news from Indiana: A female bishop from Minne- sota ordained a Catholic nun a priest – at a United Church of Christ in Indianapolis. . . . A  boy  celebrating  his  10th birthday  with  his parents  at an Olive Garden  in Indianap- olis ordered a "smoothie" but got  a  Mai Tai  (the waitress has been fired). . . . Indianapolis police got a new cruiser.

A 20-year-old Letcher County coal miner was arrested after
posting a photo of himself  on  Facebook  siphoning gasoline
from a police car  (and flipping the bird).

                             [courtesy Huffington Post, Daily Mail]

Now, turn to the sports section. . . .

"Sometimes you just have to throw the baby away with the bath water
 and get pregnant again."
                                                                                – Madry Chlopak

"opening gambit"
                             – Linda Wertheimer and Peter Kenyon, National Public Radio

The EnquirerPlus App will allow you to download the National
Enquirer for only $2.99 a month.

Birthdays: Princess Hayah bint Hamzah, 5 Cat Osterman, 29   ––––––––––> Olivia Hussey, 61 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, 65 Daffy Duck, 75

Probable:

Levon Helm, 71
Charles Colson, 80
Dick Clark, 82

Unconfirmed:

Whitney Houston, 48
Michael Jackson, 50
Elvis, 46
Eleanor Roosevelt, 78
Amelia Earhart, 40 (?)
Jesus, 32 (or 28, or 29, or 30, or 31, or 33, or 34, or 35, or 36,
           or 37, or 38, or 39, or 40, or 41, or 42, or 43, or not)

Herman Cain released a video in which a farmer (represen-
ting the taxpayer)  is pecked to death by his chickens (rep-
resenting the government). . . . Three cannibals were arres-
ted in Guaranhuns,  Brazil.  . . .  An artist in San Francisco,
California,  built a tiny Titanic of shreds from a single tooth-
pick. .  .  .  French police seized 13 tons of miniature Eiffel
Towers that were being sold without permits.  . . . The TV
show  Glee  will pay tribute to Whitney Houston this week.
. . .  A 6-year-old girl throwing a tantrum in kindergarten in
Milledgeville, Georgia,  was  handcuffed,  hands behind the
neck,  by the police. . . . Governor Christie denied falling a-
sleep at a Bruce Springsteen concert. . . . One of Tom Pet-
ty's stolen guitars was pawned in Hollywood for  $250  (an
arrest was made,  and  the rest of the instruments  were  re-
covered). . . .The Michigan woman who continued to draw
food.stamps after winning the lottery and the Washington fu-
gitive who taunted police on Facebook were arrested.  .  .  .
Alabama prohibited the sale of  Dirty Bastard beer  for pro-
fanity on the label  (but  continued  to allow the sale  of  Fat
Bastard wine).  . . . A South Dakota state prisoner sued the
hospital where he was born for $1,000  for his circumcision.
. . . One of the recently fired Secret Service agents had pos-
ted a 2008 photo of himself and Sarah Palin  on  Facebook
with a caption saying he was  "checking  her  out." . . . Nor-
wegian mass assassin Behring Breivik told the court  in Oslo
that he took steroids and trained himself in sharp shooting on
the video game "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare." .  .  . Newt
Gingrich was bitten in the finger by a penguin at the St. Louis
Zoo.  .  .  .  Six cows froze to death in a mountain cabin near
Aspen, Colorado.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

     
      Baby  Kea parrot  Nelson,  rejected by his mother at
      the Bergzoo in Germany, was called a contender for
      the ugliest bird in the world by London's Daily Mail.

The five starters on the University of Kentucky basketball
team that won the NCAA championship – three freshmen
and two sophomores – held  a  joint  press conference  to
announce that they were turning pro (a Louisville Courier-
Journal headline called them the "Farewell Five").

My boxer, Bugsy, freaks out when he sees my
neighbor, Don.   My best friend,  Shara,  says
that's because Don is  a  serial  killer  (he acts
odd, and drives a van).
                                             T.S. in Michigan

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett

                                                       

Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 4/8/2012 @12:40 EDT:

Sociologists diagnosed "nature deficit disorder" in British children?
I dealt with this in my final years  of  teaching  in an alternative high
school,  taking teens on thrice-weekly field trips outdoors  (not  to
the  movies,  as many teachers do  now).   Many, many kids were
not just scared,  squeamish,  or  miserable;  they  were  downright
disoriented,  stripped  of  their  phones,  earbuds,  air conditioning,
and carpeted floors.  Over the 18-week course, though, some few
survivors actually not only calmed down, but even began choosing
outdoor activities in their leisure time – and not just home invasions
and other crimes. One sweet, bright girl was actually offered a paid
internship with the state DEP, but declined because she made more
money on the pole.

Women in LaGrange County protesting the  prosecution  of  two
midwives for practicing without a license wore T-shirts proclaim-
ing "Liberty for midwifes" (sorry, no photos found).

Leonard Fodera, 19, walked the streets of Indianapolis na- ked because,  he said,  it was Opposite Day. –––––––––> Jieming Liu, 79, was accused of murdering his wife and eat- ing her in Shrewsbury,  Mas- sachusetts. ––––––––––––> Richard Leon Finkbiner, 39, of Brazil,  Indiana,  was  ar- rested  for  forcing  boys  to perform in sex videos under threat  of  exposure  on gay pornographic web sites. –>

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

A high school student in Lexington was "disciplined" for using a
school computer,  during school hours,  to view an "inappropri-
ate" web site showing images  of  "school  violence";  and addi-
tional "law enforcement officers" were called to the school,  ac-
cording to a letter sent by the principal  to  parents of all pupils.
The student was not identified,  the name and URL of the web
site were not revealed, and the nature of the discipline was not
disclosed.
                                        [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

The National Socialist Movement (American Nazis), of Michigan,
planned to storm the Kentucky State Capitol in Frankfort this Sat-
urday for its annual meeting,  focusing on "illegal immigration, ram-
pant crime, the recession, and white civil rights."

                                        [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"It's the second anniversary of my father's death at the hands
 of a fucking nigger."
                                    – Jake England, accused in the shooting of
                                       five African-Americans in Tulsa, Oklahoma

"It is way too early to call this a hate crime."
                                                                        – FBI agent James Finch

Nellie McKay, 30
Omar Sharif, 80
Loretta Lynn, 77 (at least; more likely 82)
John Paul Stevens, 92

An 18-year-old girl who quit school in Modesto, California,
two months ago to  move  in  with her 41-year-old business
teacher  dumped  him  when he was arrested for sex he had
14 years ago with a younger student (17). .  .  . Tuaregs de-
clared the nation of Azawad in Gao, in the north of Mali, af-
ter a 10-week Salafi offensive supported by the Ansar Dine.
. . . Macbeth was banned in Thailand. . . .  Oaksterdam U-
niversity in Oakland, California,  scheduled a cannabis culti-
vation seminar. . . . Yang Guang mounted Tian Tian several
times at the Edinburgh Zoo but failed to fuck her. . . . Presi-
dent  Kurbanguly  Berdymukhamedov  won Turkmenistan's
first-ever automobile race.  . . . Catalan  scientists  reported
inventing scales sensitive enough to weigh a  xenon  atom  to
the nearest yoctogram.  . . . A fugitive was taunting police in
Port Angeles, Washington, on his Facebook page.  . . . Five
Copts, including a 13-year-old girl, were crushed to death in
a stampede of mourners of Pope Shenouda III who died last
week in Egypt.  . . . Melissa Gilbert bumped her head on the
floor on Dancing with the Stars and had to go to the hospital.
.  .  .  A 5-year-old boy went to kindergarten  in  Bridgeport,
Connecticut,  with his stepfather's jacket  and  50 packets of
heroin in the pockets (the stepfather's now in jail and the boy
is in Grandma's custody). . . . A 10-year-old girl gave birth in
Colombia. . . .  Miss Universe officials agreed to let a woman
born  a  boy  compete  (but the rule change yet awaits the ap-
proval of Donald Trump). . . . A man was sent to jail for three
days for wearing  saggy  pants  to court in Prattville, Alabama.
. . . A woman impregnated in a one-song stand at a rock con-
cert in Chicago sought the father on Craigslist.  . . . An anima-
ted moovie titled Cow on the Run is in the works. . . . A wo-
man on James Island, South Carolina,  found Jesus on a cow-
nose ray. . . . Crawling  helmets  for  babies  were for sale on
Amazon.com.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

Pro baseball's Miami Marlins suspended new manager Ozzie
Guillen  for five games  for saying he loves and respects Fidel
Castro.  ("You know why?" he added.  "A lot of people have
wanted to kill Fidel Castro for the last 60 years, but that fuck-
er is still there.")

A few years ago I married a wonderful, thoughtful,
caring man.  It was a second marriage for both of
us.  He has two teen-age daughters  still  at  home.
My son was so excited to have sisters.

But his daughters are completely rude.  When my
son comes over,  they refuse to acknowledge  his
existence.   They won't even  talk  to  him.  What
can I do?
                                   Lost and Confused in Texas

• Minutes before her death
  
• Her desperate cry for help
• $1,000 bag of cocaine secretly removed from bathroom AFTER she was found DEAD!

• Found face down in bathtub – facing west
  
• Rigor mortis but no other signs of death reported
• No tattoos found on body
• Small spoon with white crystal substance found in bathroom

• and Nancy Reagan
• and Jane Fonda
• and Princess Di
• and Cher
• and Chaz
• and the Society Editor of Tabloid Headlines
  

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sat 3/31/12 @22:28 PDT:

Early edition! Yay!

Borf Books  wrote Sat 3/31/12, at 23:43 CDT:

April 1, 2012:    Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines: . . .

Hurray for you, and double hurray that you are not on AOL.  We put last
Sunday's edition to bed 17 minutes before midnight a week ago.   But our
AOL subscribers didn't get theirs at all.  All transmissions  to  AOL  users
bounced.  We retransmitted them Sunday at 09:24 a.m. with this addition-
al header:

April Fool?

AOL CENSORSHIP REARS ITS UGLY HEAD AGAIN

All transmissions of today's Tabloid Headlines to AOL subscribers
bounced.  Second try:

– the Editor

I have to clarify something in  your article  which references two men
in Dominica and which appears misleading.   I happened to be work-
ing in Dominica when the cruise came in,  and I must inform you  that
the two men were performing acts of  buggery  on the ship’s balcony,
once  docked,  in clear view of the public on the dock,  leaving  them
dismayed and astounded, surprised that this could happen so publicly.

 

The people of Dominica are a wonderful, caring lot,  and will undoubt-
edly welcome the cruise again. I doubt what happened there would be
publicly accepted anywhere else in the world.

                                                                                     Joaquim Costa

The state revenue commissioner resigned over computer
programming errors that showed the treasury more than
half a billion dollars short of what it was,  including more
than $200 billion owed to cash-strapped schools and lo-
cal governments for a year-and-a-half.

                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

A bookkeeper pleaded guilty to embezzling $300,000 from
the Little Sisters of the Poor in Louisville. . . .

The Louisville Orchestra decided to  hire  scabs  to  replace
its  entire  roster  of union musicians  (get out that old fiddle,
Evy, and apply now). . . .

The volunteer lawyer for Occupy Louisville resigned in frus-
tration  over  the protest group's failure to pay its electricity
bill.
                            [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

A month before the Kentucky Derby,  the  Derby  Festival
Basketball Classic was played in Louisville Friday night be-
tween two made-up teams  of  regional high school recruits
for next year's college teams – a "black" team and a "white"
team.   There were two white boys on the 12-player roster
of each team – named Tyler, Phil, Sam and Nathan.   Black
boys on the two teams included Amile,  MeKale,  Devonta,
D'Vauntes, Semaj, Jakarr, and Danuel.  (The  "white"  team
won,  130-127.   White  boys  scored  42  of  the 257 total
points.)
                            [courtesy Courier-Journal, ESPN, et al]

Baptists in Kentucky and Tennessee united in opposition to
pole dancing at the  Tenn-Tucky  Tavern,  which  straddles
the state line near Adairville. . . .

A 10-foot  python   was found in  the  Land  Between  the
Lakes. . . .

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas drew applause in
a lecture at the University of Kentucky Law School in Lex-
ington  for suggesting that his colleagues  do  more  listening
and less talking.
                                                                     [courtesy AP]

"What happened to the 8th Amendment?  You really expect us
 to go through 2,700 pages?"
                                                                    – Justice Antonin Scalia

                 Google goggles

Jamie Lynn Spears, 21
Julian Lennon, 49
Merle Haggard, 75
Andre Previn, 83
Doris Day, 88
Ravi Shankar, 92

Emperor Go-Saga of Japan (1220-1272, said to be the great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather of Lady Gag-a)

A 13-year-old boy,  first in his 6th-grade class but too poor
to afford a school uniform for graduation, died of self-immo-
lation in Pakistan. . . .Canada abandoned the penny. . . .So-
ciologists  diagnosed  "nature deficit disorder"  in British chil-
dren.  . . . Four teen-agers – three boys and a girl – went on
a naked run in Weber County, Utah, armed with BB guns to
protect themselves from rogue deer. . . . The Florida legisla-
ture repealed a prohibition on dyeing animals (just in time for
Easter). .  .  .  Recordings of couples having sex.were found
on the laptop of a hotel clerk in St. Paul, Minnesota.  .  .  . A
National Weather Service volunteer in Wichita, Kansas, was
struck  by  lightning  after  buying three Mega Millions lottery
tickets. . . . A man in Bismarck, North Dakota, was arrested
for aggravated assault for applying an  electric cattle prod  to
his former girl friend. . . . A woman called 911 in Rockwood,
Tennessee, to complain about a "nasty" hamburger she got at
Hardee's. . . .A smiley face was substituted in a second grade
class photo in Broward County, Florida, for the face of a boy
whose parents did not sign a consent form.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

The sports: It took a group of pasty white guys – "the Fray" – to perform the  absolutely  worst rendition of the U.S. National Anthem  in history,  before the final game of the Na- tional Collegiate Athletic Association bas- ketball tournament for men.  Jordin  [sic] Sparks, Christina Aguilera (the "twilight's last reaming"),  Beyoncé  –  even  Rascal Flatts – have nothing on  these  pukes. ... If you remember women's college basketball from 30  years  ago –  before Brittney Griner could dunk (or passed her first femininity test – "Sissy sang bass"),  before Stefanie Dolson weighed 210 pounds,  before Rebecca Lobo could talk, before Diana Taurasi failed a dope test in Turkey,  before  Skylar  Diggins  could command  a  personal  recruiter,  before  you could pronounce Chiney  and Nnemkadi Og- wumike,  before Cheryl Miller was in the Hall of Fame, before Pat Summit had her first peri- od – you will remember Kim Mulkey, the pug- nacious,  pug-nosed, pug-faced,  pug-shaped, pug-sized feisty little point guard  who  guided Louisiana Technical University to the very first NCAA  basketball championship  for  women (and to the AIAW championship  the year be- fore that, before there was an NCAA for wo- men).  Now she's the coach at Baylor Univer- sity, which just won the women's NCAA title, undefeated at 40-0,  and the first  college bas- ketball team, men or women, to win 40 games in  a  season  (the team is all black,  of course, except  for  a couple of seldom used reserves, including Mulkey's daughter –  the starting five included a Destiny, an Odyssey, and a Kimet- ria; and a Brooklyn scored the most points off the bench).  And now Kim has Bell's palsy.

Kim Mulkey driving for Louisiana Tech                             Kim now

A year ago my daughter met a man over the inter-
net.  That's fine, but I have issues:

1.  She wants to marry him; but she hasn't met him.

2.  He's from a foreign country.

3.  She's 30 years old and has lived in a small town
     all her life.

How do I deal with this?
                                                 Upset but Unsure

• Secret NASA 'Doomsday Plan' will KEEP YOU SAFE
  
• Gov't advises everyone: BUY GUNS AND BE READY
• 'Economic 9/11' heralds NEW GREAT DEPRESSION
  

• Who gave her FATAL cocaine dose
• Who tampered with the evidence
  

Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 3/25/12 11:34 EDT:

So,  George Washington  was richer than Mitt Romney?
He dressed prettier,  too. And there's another difference:
Mitt might enjoy  firing  people,  but George just sold his
off to the highest bidder.

Publius Leget wrote Sun 3/25/12 @ 12:20:42 CDT:

I understand that the report we saw last week concluding
that Whitney Houston drowned under the influence of co-
caine and heart disease is not the final post mortem.  May
we expect, in the final, to learn whether she is, in fact, de-
ceased?

Do they ever die?  The lead story in last week's Globe was about
JonBenet Ramsey.  – Editor

A high school senior in Garrett was expelled for tweeting "fucking"
on his own Twitter account, from his own home, but – on a school
computer. . . .

A Merrillville city councilman proposed an ordinance prohibiting the
wearing of saggy pants. . . .

Senator Richard Lugar, ruled ineligible to vote in Indiana (where he
is running for re-election in May's primary), settled out of court. . . .

An Indiana University student was bitten by a rabid bat as he slept
in his dormitory room.
                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

A speeding pickup truck failed to negotiate a curve on a county road in McCreary County and plowed into a school bus letting off children at  their  home,  injuring the school bus driver and two children on the bus. . . . A suspended 8th-grader was charged with shooting a school bus with a BB gun in Burlington. . . . Sarah Jones, captain of the Cincinnati Ben-Gals (cheerleaders for pro football's Cincinnati Bengals),  was indicted for having sex with a stu- dent while she was a high school English teacher  in  Edgewood,  Ky. (and her mother, principal of a middle school in the same district, was indicted for tampering with evidence).                                                                                    [courtesy AP]

"Don’t let your child go out into the hard cruel world wearing a costume
 that is really a sign that says 'shoot me'."
                                                                – Geraldo Rivera (speaking of hoodies)

"Remember when that black guy killed that white kid and it took forever
 to arrest him?  Me neither."
                                                                – Andy Borowitz, on Twitter

"Rick Santorum is like a football team celebrating a field goal when they are losing by seven
 touchdowns with less than a minute left in the game."
                                                                                    – Ryan Williams, aide to Mitt Romney

"They're going to take us down!"
                                                        – JetBlue pilot Clayton Osbon

Rachel Maddow, 39
Samuel Alito, 62
Ali MacGraw, 73
Milan Kundera, 83
Whittaker Chambers (1901-1961)
Nita Naldi [née Anita Donna (or Mary Nonna) Dooley] (1897 [or 1898, or No-
                                                    vember 13, 1894, or March 1, 1895] -1961)
Otto von Bismarck (1815-1898)

René Descartes (1596-1650: He's dead, too; therefore he isn't)
Lady Gag-a, 26
Sabine Meyer, 53
Leonard Nimoy, 81
William Shatner, 81 (four days older)

A 22-year-old man who choked his roommate's girl friend
when she wouldn't turn down the volume on her i-Pod was
sentenced to 180 days in jail in Lincoln,  Nebraska. . . .  A
thief  butt-dialed  911  while making off with scrap metal in
Southington, Connecticut. . . . A burglar in Surprise, Arizo-
na,  picked up a loaded gun from his host's  bedside  night-
stand and pointed it at him  (but the "butt naked" host took
the burglar down with a martial arts move).  . . .  An advo-
cacy group in the Bronx called Picture the Homeless  gave
a seminar on how to invade a vacant apartment.  . . . Hug-
ging  was  banned  at Matawan-Aberdeen Middle School
in New Jersey.  . . . Two men on a gay cruise in the Carib-
bean were "arrested for buggery"  on  deck  while the ship
was docked on the isle of Dominica.  .  .  .  A "controlled"
forest burn raged out of control in Colorado, causing evac-
uation of 900 homes,  destroying at least 23,  and killing at
least 2 persons. . . .  A 2-year-old basset hound,  home a-
lone  and strangled in a telephone cord  in West Yorkshire,
England, dialed 999 (Britain's equivalent of America's 911)
and was rescued.  . . . The mouth of a decapitated cotton-
mouth snake bit a homeless man in Mobile, Alabama, and
poisoned him.  . . .  A car driven by three dogs crashed in-
to another car parked at a mall in Moscow.  . . . A society
reporter was fired by the Houston Chronicle for moonlight-
ing as a stripper. . . ."Clark Kent" glasses were being worn
by criminal defendants to appear innocent to the jury.

 
                               Pope Benedict in Mexico 

Oakland and Seattle opened the American League base-
ball season  March  28  in  Tokyo  (if you want to know
who won, you can look it up). . . .

The Texas Rangers (same league) will introduce the two-
foot-long hot dog on their opening day.  It will come with
sautéed onions, shredded cheese, jalapeño peppers, chili,
and a side of French fries – all for $26 (they say it's for 3
or more people).     They introduced the 3-pound pretzel
last season. . . .

More basketball hotties:

What's the best way to ask someone to stop talking
loud on their cell phone?
                                                                    Molly

DISCUSSION GROUP:       Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns- ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near future  include  this  66-year-old hottie from Burma. –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––>

Aung San Suu Kyi