The Columnist Formerly Known as Bob Hill
wrote Sun 4/20/14 @08:31 EDT:

I have known several politicians, too many TV basketball anal-
ysts, and the occasional preacher who were unmanned drones.
Does that count?

Jeanie Ruckle wrote Sun 4/20/14 @10:28 CDT:

Wasn't Robin Albino one of the gangsters on the Sopranos?

                                                            [courtesy Channel 13 WTHR]

Two blades broke off towering electricity turbines at a "wind farm" in
Tipton  County,  where the County Commissioners' president told at-
tendants at a forum that there was no  imminent  danger  to the public
(the birds and the groundhogs were not reassured). . . .

Kenny Loggins will sing at the Republican State Convention in Fort
Wayne.
                                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]

We reported in earlier issues (two links there) that there
are three towns named Needmore in Indiana  (and  four
in Texas), along with two named Springhill; and now we
have discovered  that there are two Brownstowns in In-
diana  –  the smallish seat  of  Jackson  County  (where
John "Cougar" Mellencamps's home town, Seymour, is
the largest city) and an even smallerish hamlet in Craw-
ford  County,  less than 35 miles southwest of the Jack-
son County seat.

But perhaps dumber than two or three towns with the
same  name  are two or three towns with two or three
names (or more). We'll start with Waterman, in north-
western Parke County on the  Fountain  County  line,
less than a mile east of Vermillion [sic] County.  Orig-
inally called Gilderoy.  Platted as Fullerton,  in  1836.
Renamed Lodi,  in 1837. Labeled "Waterman (Lodi)"
on the highway department road map but indexed on
the same map as "Lodi (Waterman)."  No post office,
no city council,  no official name.  Most  of  the  resi-
dents call it Lodi.  Reminds us of Vigo, the next coun-
ty south, which two-thirds of the residents pronounce
"VEE-go" and one-third pronounce "VYE-go" (Terre
Haute is the seat of Vigo County).

Thanks to Ronald L. Baker and Marvin Carmony, Indi-
ana Place Names (Indiana University Press, 1975), for
most of this wonderful information.  To be continued. . . .

Matt Bevin, challenger of Mitch McConnell in the Republi-
can primary for U.S. Senator, put his young daughter Oliv-
ia in a campaign commercial calling McConnell a liar. . . .

McConnell's Democrat challenger, Secretary of State Alice-
in-Wonderland's Groin Alison Lundergran Grimes, called on
President Obama to approve the  Keystone Pipeline  through
the Great Plains (but has not yet taken a position on the Blue-
grass Pipeline, which is not very popular in Kentucky). . . .

A "special needs" child picked up by a school bus in Oldham
County never made it  to  "preschool"  and was found on the
bus in the depot three hours later. . . .

A prisoner on a hunger strike starved to death  at  the  state
penitentiary in Eddyville. . . .

Perhaps emulating Seinfeld's Newman,  William  ("Brent")
Morse,  a  postman  in Dawson Springs,  was charged with
dumping more than 44,900 pieces of  mail  in his late moth-
er's house ("I think he was lazy," Police Capt. Craig Patter-
son commented).
                                    [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Lexington's most wanted: Martha Fuston, WF, 30, 5'5", 180 lbs; Shi Sibley, WF, 31, 5'8", 160 lbs

                                                                                    [courtesy Herald-Leader]

"Ouch!"
                    – British Prime Minister David Cameron, stung by a jellyfish near a Spanish island

"I was like, Dudes, I have to piss so bad."
                                                                             – Dallas Swonger,  accused of
                                                                                urinating in a city reservoir

"A woman is like a handy gun:  Eventually you will want to shoot it."
                                                                                                                – Leonard Simon

Gedhun Choekyi Nyima, 25 (11th Panchen Lama, still missing)
Kelly Clarkson, 32
Queen Elizabeth, 88
St. Vincent de Paul (1581-1660)

Duane Eddy, 76

Two men suspected of disinterring a baby's body  and  eat-
ing it were arrested after the infant's head was found in the
home of one of them in Pakistan (where cannibalism is not
a crime). . . .China's Great Men Wax Museum granted a re-
quest from North Korea to heighten late great leader Kim
Il-Sung by six inches. . . .Silvio Berlusconi was sentenced
to a year of community service at a nursing home  (watch
out, ladies). . . . U.S. Airways "tweeted" a photograph of
a Boeing 777 crashing into a vagina. . . . A west Pennsyl-
vania  policeman  spent the winter disguised as an Amish
woman in an attempt to catch a flasher. . . . A missing 3-
year-old boy was found inside a "grab a toy with a claw"
machine with stuffed animals in Lincoln, Nebraska. . . .
Cumberland County, New Jersey, summoned a German
Shepherd to jury duty. . . . Portland, Oregon, flushed out
38  million  gallons of drinking water  after  surveillance
cameras  showed  an 18-year-old man peeing in a reser-
voir. . . . A Brit doing 6½ years for burglary broke out of
the Leyhill prison in Gloucestershire to avoid the day and
night din of rap and hip-hop, he said.

                            [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Snopes, AP]

                    

Seven years ago, my husband walked out on our 9-month-old
son and me.  He's been out of the picture since.   The last four
years there has been no contact from him whatsoever.

The whole time his brother has kept in touch with texts and oc-
casional visits.  Lately there seems to be a spark when we are
together.  I know his family would approve.  When my ex and
I separated his mom told me she thought I was a better match
for her other son.  Would it be wrong  to  have  a  relationship
with my ex's brother?
                                                                                Confused

This week's movie:  "Leisure Suit."

           

Len wrote Sun 4/13/14 @17:09 EDT:

Isn't "unmanned drone" a redundancy?  OED on line, drone, n.:

1.  A low continuous humming sound.
2.  A male bee in a colony of social bees that does no work
     but can fertilize a queen.

2.1  A person who does no useful work and lives off others.

3.  A remote-controlled pilotless aircraft or missile.

Good point.  But the judge had a point on the 4th Amendment,
which prohibits unreasonable search and seizure:  Suits against
the government for wrongful death are customarily brought un-
der the 5th Amendment,  which prohibits, inter al, deprivation
of "life, liberty or property without due process of law."    Her
Honor wrote also  that the families had presented a "plausible"
due process claim but, "Nonetheless the court finds no availa-
ble remedy under U.S. law . . . ."  – Editor

                                         [courtesy Michigan City News-Dispatch]

A 20-year-old woman convicted of manslaughter was ordered by a
judge  to  address  two Clay County high schools on the dangers of
speeding, but the schools superintendent declined her invitation.

                                                                    [courtesy Brazil Times]

An Indiana University freshman solved all the letters on the Wheel
of Fortune TV quiz show but couldn't pronounce the third word –
MYTHOLOGICAL HERO ACHILLES – and thus was elimina-
ted.  He pronounced it "AY-chil-us."  (The clue was "character.")

                                                                         [courtesy USA Today]

South Bend's most wanted: Terry Lynn Wiltfong, WF, domestic violence 3rd offense (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

A 16-year-old female student at Male High School (that's right) in Louis-
ville posted a "3-minute video suicide note" on YouTube  and then  killed
herself as the video went "viral."  The video was taken down a day later;
and the Courier-Journal reporter did not mention,  in a 904-word article,
the girl's name, how she killed herself, or what a "video suicide note" is –
e.g., a writing on a piece of paper?  a talking "selfie"?  a movie of the off-
ing?  something else?   But American LiveWire, BuzzFeed and some oth-
er web sites at least gave us the girl's name (Maddie Yates)  and pictures
(she was pretty,  of course).  BuzzFeed explained not only what a "video
suicide note" was, in this case  (a talking "selfie"), but even gave us a tran-
script (and Britain's Daily Mail posted numerous photos and a partial tran-
script).  One site reported also that several of the girl's friends saw the vi-
deo shortly after it was posted and called her parents to stop her, but too
late.
                                                                   [discourtesy Courier-Journal]

Robin Albino: stills made from movie shot by Tabloid Headlines staff photographer Harry Girard

A coal mining company owned by a state representative spilled a chemical
into a stream in Pike County, polluting his constituents' drinking water. . . .


  

No Longer Lexington's most wanted: Tammy Garrett (apprehended); Anthany (sic) Beatty is running for mayor of Lexington

                   [courtesy Herald-Leader]

Nine of the 15 defendants appearing in Edmonson County District Court
on criminal charges last week were women.

                           [courtesy Edmonson News ("The Gimlet – It Bores In")]

"You cannot interfere with children."
                                                                – Pope Jorge, asking forgiveness for abusive priests

"We've had a few members who have become bad apples, and the whole organization is
 overall cast in the same light."
                                                        – Frank Ancona, Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan

"I missed validating a variable containing a length."
                                                                                           – Robin Seggelmann, the computer pro-
                                                                                              grammer who inadvertently created
                                                                                              the "Heartbleed" internet bug

"You never really know a woman until you meet her in court."
                                                                                                          – Leonard Simon

Posh Spice, 40
Valerie Plame, 51
Hayley Mills, 68
Bob Montgomery, 69, backup catcher for the Boston Red Sox and
            the last major league baseball player to bat without a helmet
Bobby Vinton, 79
Loretta Lynn, over 79

Brooklyn businessman God Gazarov sued the credit re-
porter Equifax for not recognizing his name as legitimate
(and  where  does this leave the former  basketball  star
God Shammgod?). . . . A series of math textbooks was
under attack in Russia for  depicting  Snow  White  and
Little Red Riding Hood in 119 illustrations and only nine
Russians. .  .  . An astronaut from Colorado posted the
first selfie from space on Instagram. . . .A 9-month-old
boy was charged with attempted murder in Pakistan. ...
A vibrating orange  dildo,  perhaps mistaken for a tasty
cephalopod,  was found in the stomach of a codfish ta-
ken in the Barents Sea off Norway. . . . Hand scanning
was replacing credit cards in Sweden. . . . A marijuana
vending machine  was introduced at a barbecue café in
Avon,  Colorado.  . . .  Miley Cyrus canceled concerts
after  OD'ing  on  antibiotics  (it was not reported what
illness she was trying to twerk). . . . A high school seni-
or was sentenced to three days of  "in school"  suspen-
sion in York, Pennsylvania, for asking Miss America to
the  prom  in  her question-and-answer presentation  at
the school.

      [courtesy Harper's Weekly, USA Today, NBC, CNN]

Perp of the decade: Megan Huntsman, 39, is a person of extreme interest in the deaths of seven babies whose bodies were found in cardboard boxes in her garage in Pleasant Grove, Utah, by her estranged husband as he was cleaning out the garage after being released from prison; Dates of death were estimated to run from 1996 to 2006 (USA Today)

Fireworks set the American flag on fire at the New York
Mets - Atlanta Braves opening day baseball game in At-
lanta, Georgia.

I have followed the many outraged responses regarding adult
children who have cut elderly parents out of their lives;  so let
me give another view.  My mother is 86 and possessed of her
faculties.  She can live alone  and  unassisted.  Both my sisters
cut her out of their lives years ago.  Why?   Because Mom has
a cruel mouth  and is bigoted, gratuitously insulting, highly opin-
ionated and very vocal about what she thinks of you and every-
one else.

Mom complains that she has been shunned because of her age,
and I told her it is because  she  is  unpleasant  and  impossible.
She responded with a well known two-word obscenity.  So,  I
am done.

I have tried with great patience to keep Mom in my life; but she
is so difficult that I, too, have finally thrown in the towel.  I don't
need the stress she creates.  Let your readers know that the be-
havior of some adult children may be abundantly justified.

                                                                        Finished in Chicago

This week's movie:  "Feed Your Lawn!"

           

 LUAUNUS = UNUSUAL
CATEROOD = DOCTORATE
CRESTLEY = SECRETLY
MINNIFEE = FEMININE

He couldn't run for office again because of his

       ELECTORAL  DYSFUNCTION.

People who invited us to be their "friends" on Clutterbook Face-
book in the last week included 

Nancy Pugh wrote Sun 4/6/14 @10:26 CDT re last week's quotation
of the weak "A tree trimmer was rushed to a Pittsburgh hospital with
a chain saw blade embedded in his neck":

Forthman Murff did that in the '70's, says Dan Pugh.  Apparent-
ly that's Murff's real name.

Indeed, Mr. Murff, a Mississippi lumberjack, did nearly decapitate him-
self with a chain saw,  in 1984;  and, indeed, Mr. Murff survived, as did
the Pennsylvania tree trimmer;  but,  indeed,  Mr. Murff's neck, like the
tree trimmer's,  was cut by a chain,  not by a blade.    – Editor


Septimus P. Runkle, attorney at law, wrote Sun 4/6/14 @14:14 EDT:

A judge in New Albany ordered a murder defendant to let his hair
grow out to cover the  "Death Row X3"  tattoo on the back of his
head. . . .

Three Amish teachers who lived in their school at Topeka,  in La-
Grange County, escaped carbon monoxide fumes there, traced to
an exhaust lead from a well water pump. . . .

Developers in Kokomo have been unable for three years to grow
enough grass for a planned soccer field. . . .

Two southeastern Indiana highways were succumbing to sinkholes.

                                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Angela Fry, WF, 5'7", 150 lbs, theft; Deandrea Daze Bailey, BF welfare fraud; Tiffani Lynn Maser, WF, larceny in a building (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

                                                                                                                   [courtesy Herald-Leader]

Lexington's most wanted: Ryan Bryant, WM, 21, 5'8", 150 lbs; Tammy Garrett, WF, 49, 5'4", 160 lbs, Tammy, only a cover girl last week, is this week's "featured fugitive": She's wanted for second degree burglary

A burglar called 911 after falling from a ladder and breaking his
leg in a house he was breaking into in Louisville. . . .

University of Kentucky basketball fans set fire to 19 couches in
the streets of Lexington in a a demonstration of frustration over
losing the NCAA tournament.
                                                            [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"They're very dumb."
                                        – Matthew E. Taylor, Washington State University pro-
                                            fessor of artificial intelligence, speaking of robots


"An Irish ewe tupped by a goat was raising her geep like a lamb."
                                                                                                        – Anthony Lydgate, in Harper's

"Unmanned drones are functionally incapable of seizing a person.  They are designed
 to kill, not capture."
                                     – U.S. District Court Judge Rosemary Collyer,  denying a
                                        4th Amendment "unreasonable search and seizure" claim
                                        filed by the families of three Americans killed in Yemen

"Greed never sleeps."
                                        – Leonard Simon

Amy Goodman, 57
Kate Heyhoe, 59
Janis Ian, "lesbian/folk rocker," 63
Jack Casady, 70
Mousketeer Darlene, 73
Ellen ("I don't really have anything to say") Goodman, 73
Paul Krassner, 82
Hugh Hefner, 88
Wojciech Bogus³awski (1757-1829)

Junior Samples (1926-1983)

Princess Anne  recommended  gassing  the  badgers  of
Gloucestershire. . . . Bags of mountain air were shipped
to pollution-ridden Zhengzhou, China.  . . .  A bill in the
South Carolina legislature to designate the wooly mam-
moth the state fossil was hung up with an amendment to
add  that it was  "created on the sixth day along with the
beasts of the field.". . . A burial ground for lesbians only
was designated in Berlin. .  .  . George W. Bush was ac-
cused of plagiarizing Google images in his portrait pain-
tings of world leaders. .  .  . Vandals were turning Smart
Cars upside down in San Francisco. . . . Rolling Stone's
April 24 cover shows the bare back of Julia Louis-Drey-
fus with the Constitution printed on it, over the signature
of John Hancock (who, children, you will recall, did not
sign the U.S. Constitution). . . . A write-in candidate for
Congress in Iowa posted a YouTube ad flashing a hand
gun and threatening to "blow your balls off."

I am a 13-year-old girl whose best friend (I'll call her "Blue")
has become very rude and even annoying.  I  can  no  longer
make a comment about something without her answering nas-
tily or adding logic to imaginary scenarios that aren't intended
to be logical.  It's irritating.

We have another friend, "Violet," who is creative and loves to
draw.  So do I.  But when I showed Blue a picture I had done,
she said, "Violet is way better than you are."  This hurt my feel-
ings and made me angry.  I told Violet, she said Blue had been
rude and annoying to her, too.

We don't want to offend Blue or lose her as a friend, but frank-
ly, we can't handle her anymore. What should we do?

                                                                            Red in Nevada

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from galey @ verizon.net
        titled "My panties were quqyc."


Scrumble (the first reader to report all correct answers will get a free subscrip-
                tion to Tabloid Headlines – transferable to a friend or relative!):

DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Greenlee Goins.


This week's movie:  "Fell from Heaven."

           

Jeanie Ruckle wrote Sun 3/30/14 @10:24 CDT:

"Fairy" housing?

Sorry.  Intentional typo.  We just couldn't resist.  – Ed.


Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 3/30/14 @07:08 PDT:

May God bless Edwin Kagin.

Indiana led the nation in meth lab seizures last year, according to FBI
and state statistics, with 1,800 busts, followed by Tennessee with 1,-
500 and Missouri with 1,400 (Kentucky, where meth is a way of life
– and death – did not make the list). . . .

A school bus got stuck in the mud on a flooded city street in Muncie
(firemen rescued 16 students).
                                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Two Valparaiso men started a campaign  on  Clutterbook  Facebook
to change the Indiana state bird from the cardinal  (which is the state
bird also of Kentucky, Illinois, Ohio,Virginia,West Virginia and North
Carolina)  to the white-breasted nuthatch.

                                                [courtesy Fort Wayne News-Sentinel]

Kaneisha Shaniqua Wofford, BF, unauthorized use of motor vehicle

                                            [courtesy Michiana Crime Stoppers]

A Pineville man being chased by state police for speeding parked his car,
jumped into the Cumberland River  in Bell County,  and refused to come
out. When he was extracted an hour later by two troopers wearing flota-
tion vests, he was arrested for wanton endangerment, DUI,  reckless dri-
ving, speeding, menacing,  fleeing on foot (they couldn't find illegal tread-
ing of water in the book), resisting arrest, disorderly conduct, driving with
an expired license plate, driving with expired registration, driving with no
insurance, criminal mischief and driving with an open container of alcohol-
ic beverage.
                                                                [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Read more here: http://www.kentucky.com/2014/04/02/3174575/pineville-man-jumps-in-river-refuses.html?sp=/99/164/#storylink=cpy

"KFC"  (formerly "Kentucky Fried Chicken")  for the second year in a
row trailed Chick-fil-A in U.S. sales,  although KFC continued to lead
globally.  Chick-fil-A, based in Atlanta, Georgia, maintained its primary
presence in the South.
                                                        [courtesy Christian Science Monitor]

Lexington's most wanted: Marianne Young, WF, 36, 5'4", 134 lbs; Holly Newsome, WF, 28, 5'3", 185 lbs; Tammy Garrett, WF, 49, 5'4", 160 lbs

                         [courtesy Herald-Leader]

"My gast was flabbered."
                                               – A. C. Grayling, describing his experience at a "creation" museum

"A tree trimmer was rushed to a Pittsburgh hospital with a chain saw blade embedded
  in his neck."
                              – The Associated Press  (chain saws don't have  blades,
                                 folks; they have bars wrapped with sawtoothed chains)

"My pleasure."
                            – John Burnett, of National Public Radio, after delivering a report on the mass
                               shooting at Fort Hood (give a numbnock a microphone and he'll speak into it)

"Where there's a will, there's an inheritance."
                                                                                      – Leonard Simon

Rachel Maddow, 41
Samuel Alito, 64
Ali MacGraw, 75
Debbie Reynolds, 82

Jamie Spears, 23
Jane Goodall, 80
Wally Moon, 84
Doris Day, 90

  

Michelle Obama in the South Lawn garden at the White House (Jack Gruber, USA Today)

The Belgian newspaper De Morgen ran photos of Michelle
and Barack Obama  photoslopped  as  apes  (Michelle did
not do herself much good on this score by crawling through
her garden for a USA Today photographer). .  .  .  Donald
Rumsfeld said an ape could do better  than Obama dealing
with Hamed Karazai. . . . Students and professors at Mon-
tana Tech of the University of Montana (that's the name of
the school, folks, not "Montana Institute of Technology" or
anything fancy like that;  it  used  to be the "Montana State
School of Mines")  planned to boycott commencement  as
two creationists were scheduled to deliver the address. . . .
A 14-year-old Pennsylvania boy published a study suggest-
ing that the government could save millions of dollars a year
in printing costs by switching to a thinner type face that uses
less ink. . . .Turkey, having failed to suppress Twitter, block-
ed YouTube. . . . Guinea banned bat soup. . . . Darth Vader
announced his candidacy for president of the Ukraine.  .  . .
The U.S. was reported to be  supplying  Yemen  with  crop
dusters for targeted killings. . . .  Cameo Crispi, 31, was ar-
rested in Utah for burning  bacon  in an attempt to set fire to
her boy friend's home. . . .  A dozen sheep herded by a dog
visited the Louvre in a French farm protest. . . . A 40-centi-
meter-long  rat  chased a Swedish family's cat out of the kit-
chen. . . ."WikiLeaks" joined "Stompie," "McDonald," "Pep-
permint,"  "Woodstock" and "Grammophon"  among  names
for babies prohibited by German courts. .  .  . Lorraine Mae
Rafferty, a candidate for the Republican nomination for gov-
ernor of Oregon, said she views same-sex marriage as a sin
on par with murder; and Phil Berger Jr., a candidate for Re-
publican nomination for Congress in North Carolina, told a
sixth grader that same-sex marriage is "like a man marrying
a dog." .  .  . The Australian High Court recognized a "third
gender." . . .  National Public Radio admitted that its report
on hoodies for cats was an April Fool's joke.

New entrant in Penis with Ears Lookalike Contest, Phillip Carter, senior fellow, Center for a New American Security

New York Yankees second baseman  Daniel Murphy
was lambasted by sportscasters for taking three days'
paternity leave at the beginning of the baseball season
(former National Football League quarterback "Boom-
er" Esiason said Murphy should have forced his wife
to have a C-section before the season started). . . .

The rights to freedom of speech and religion,  to equal
protection of the laws,  not to be subjected to discrimi-
nation on the basis of race, color or national origin, not
to be deprived of liberty or property without due proc-
ess of law – and,  snowboarding.  Snowboarders  have
brought a 14th Amendment  suit  against a ski resort in
Utah alleging discrimination in the prohibition of snow-
boards in the name of skier safety. . . .

The NCAA basketball "Final Four" were not on televi-
sion.  Is this why they call it "March madness"?  The fi-
nal two will be on TV tomorrow night (CBS). You could
have seen the final  four  in  person  in Arlington, Texas
(for upward of $300 a seat), or on cable or satellite (TBS),
or "on line" – but not on television.

Sure things.

           

My parents are both in their 80's and don't get around well any
more.  Dad has a history of verbal (sometimes physical) abuse,
and Mom has always put up with it.   Recently  Mom has been
cornering family members and telling them  how  crazy  Dad is,
that  he screams at her all the time,   hits her with his cane,  and
pinches her.  We had a domestic relations  case  worker  come
to the house when Dad wasn't home,  and  Mom  told the case
worker that everything was fine,  and  not  to come back.  She
told me Dad would be upset if he found out.

My mother is in better physical shape  than Dad,  and I'm quite
sure she could hurt him  if  she  chose  to.  But she is becoming
forgetful and making mental errors.  She blames it on living with
Dad.  My father cannot deal with her mind going;  so he yells at
her even more.  Despite that,  she continues to make him dinner,
put on his shoes, and help him get around.   My wife and I have
begged her to come live with us,  but she refuses.

She wants us to tell Dad's doctor that he is crazy.  I  don't think
he's  crazy.  He's a depressed man whose  body  is  failing.  He
was prescribed antidepressants,  but he won't take them. Mom
tells Dad that she's sick of him, and he says he can't stand look-
ing at her.  But  apparently they can't live  without  each  other.
Any advice?
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