Cuppy the Cat wrote Sun 8/24/2014 @14:18 CDT:

I've left my crazy owners in Chula Vista, California, to hang with
the Cat Whisperer in Sunfish, Kentucky.
 

Mailing of Tabloid Headlines failed last week to all AOL subscribers.
What's-a-matter for you guys?   Putting one little word after another,
and why don't you see if you can find an internet service provider?

Steve Yates wrote Sun 8/24/14 @10:11 CDT:

What "Dear Eleanor" should have told the 13-year-old boy in love
with his 21-year-old brother, when he asked "Should I tell him?" is,
"No!  You'll queer the relationship!"

Jeanetta Girard wrote Mon 8/25/14 @09:23 CDT:

If Emil Moffatt reserves the expression "To be honest"  for the mid-
dle of his promo  of NPR's All Things Considered,  that  means  we
can take everything he said before – and after – with a grain of salt,
right?

We have to agree – particularly in light of the fact that this is a guy who does
not even know how to pronounce his own name  ("a-MEAL," he says, as for
the French "Émile").

We get similar conversational alerts here in  the  County.  In the Mohawk com-
munity, the conversation may be peppered with the phrase "I'm honest!",  and
in Sunfish, with the phrase "I'm not lyin'!"   In both instances your intuitive lie
detector is triggered.
                                                                                                                – Editor

Jay Cory wrote Mon 8/25/14 @12:16 EDT:

When did RC planes become "drones"?   I have seen the network cover-
age and controversy on this and can't figure it out.   I  thought  the  term
"drone"  implied a little more autonomy,  or at least sophistication,  than
your basic remote control toy. I never thought my Uncle Dan and I were
building and flying "drones" back in the '70's.

And speaking of changing terms and meanings, when did black powder in
a pressure cooker become a "weapon of mass destruction"?   That  was  a
term reserved for nuclear arms up until the First Gulf War when Papa Bush
called Saddam's nerve gas a WMD  –  probably to justify nuking him if he
used any on our troops.  After that it just went downhill (or uphill).  Pretty
soon  conventional  weapons  were  included,  then  smaller  and  smaller
bombs  and  "incendiary  devices,"  until the Boston Marathon bomb was
dubbed one.  Now it can mean just about anything.

Or maybe it was Baby Bush's Gulf War II. He maybe had a pressure cook-
er stashed over there somewhere. . . .

As we have tried to point out in previous discussions, such as of "industry,"  in a
language in which anything can mean everything, nothing will mean anything.    – Ed.


Keith Durbin wrote Tues 8/26/14 @11:14 CDT:

I would think that iPhone, iPad, iPod etc. are brand names and are correct
however apple, iNc. spells them.

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 8/24/14 @09:58 PDT re "OK" and "e-mail":

Throwing down the gauntlet, eh?  I can't believe I was almost prepared to
waste another 20 minutes of my life on responding to such idiocy.

"Okeh" must have been a very long time ago, as I have never seen it spell-
ed that way. Never, ever in my long life have I seen "okeh" in print;  not in
any of the various places where I have taken up residence across the coun-
try.  But, then, you must be a great deal older than I and thus more familiar
with archaic spellings.

Actually,  Okeh records still exist  (they are now a jazz imprint of Sony);  and it
would not surprise us to find "okeh" still in your dictionary (Vocabulary.com and
the "Free Dictionary" on line are among the hits you will get).    – Editor

surteesdn@aol.com (who said he got his Tabloid Headlines last Sunday in a
plain brown wrapper)  wrote Sun 8/24/14 @13:55 PDT:

Disney's comic books and strips used "okay" rather than "OK."  That set
my stylebook.

Nolan Porterfield wrote Sun 8/17/14 @21:24 CDT re :

You lose on both counts.  For "okay," see Roy Blount Jr.:  "OK don't
stand for nothin', is ugly in print." Jury is still out on "email"/e-mail."
I watch print media closely:  Haven't kept account,  but  I'll  bet  it's
close.  Why not save a stroke???   Any keyboard requires hitting the
shift key,  then finding the n-dash (-) and putting the right hand back
where it should never have left.

Here's some  statistical  grist  for the intellectual mill:  The  One-look
Dictionary Search  on  line  lists  46  dictionaries  with definitions of
"OK," 31 with "okay," only 14 with "O.K." and 13 with "okeh."  Of
the 46 listing "OK,"  three define it only as an abbreviation of Okla-
homa, however (and/or of Okonomisk kart, Norway,  and/or of Ost-
erreichische Karte"); so we'll reduce that first number to 43. There's
some overlap, of course, with some defining both "OK" and "O.K.,"
and some carrying one or both along with "okay" and-/or "okeh."

The site lists 56 dictionaries defining "e-mail"  and  only  36  defining
"email."

None of these statistics is meant to support intellectual argument,  of
course; all are presented merely to show which way the lexicograph-
ical wind may  be  blowing  (and it would be helpful in this regard to
have comparable statistics from 5, 10 and 15 years ago).

Here's  some  detail:  The  Collins  English  Dictionary  (published in
Scotland) defines both "e-mail" and "email" and lists the former first
(but that's probably just because the hyphen renders it first alphabeti-
cally).   Collins seems to prefer "O.K."  to "okay,"  and defines "OK"
only as an abbreviation for "Oklahoma" (Collins' was one of the dic-
tionaries cut from the initial 46 with "OK").

As for "save a stroke"?   Perhaps Mr. P. should throw away his key-
board and hire a secretary.  But at least we  know  now  where "e e
cummings" got his inspiration:   It wasn't poetry;  it was laziness.

P.S.  Funk preferred "O.K." (in 1958).  Strunk & White, Fowler, O'-
Conner and Dickson avoid the subject.

Senator Mitch McConnell, running for re-election, vowed to block a
raise in the minimum wage in a secret (but recorded) meeting of bil-
lionaires arranged by the Koch brothers.
                                                                            [courtesy the Nation]

Alice-in-Wonderland's Groin's Alison Lundergan Gimes' (McConnell's
challenger's)  father's catering company,  which leased a tour bus to her
campaign,  was licensed to transport only equipment,  not passengers.

    [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal; photo by Jonathan Palmer]

Alison's Wonderful Bust (industrial dish washer)

The British liquor conglomerate Diageo broke ground on a new Bul-
leit bourbon distillery in Louisville. . . .

                                                                                                

Lexington's most wanted: Sarah Fine: ApprehendedLexington's most wanted: Sarah Fine: Apprehended

                                                                       [ courtesy Herald-Leader]

"I will fucking kill you."
                                             – an unidentified St. Ann (Mo.) policeman, caught on video
                                                as he pointed a rifle at a protester in Ferguson, Missouri

"I'm into diversity:  I kill everybody."
                                                                   – St. Louis County policeman Dan Page

"I don't think they're acknowledging the fact that he did his job.  He did what he was
 paid to do."
                              – Darla Rieger, mother of a suburban St. Louis, Mo. (St. Francis
                                 County), policeman, at a rally for Darren Wilson, the cop who
                                 shot the unarmed Michael Brown to death in Ferguson, Missouri

"You can only write good music if you're really self-aware about how you feel."

                                                                                                                – Adam Levine
" . . . To censor you or I . . . ."
                                                        – David Greene, National Public Radio

Quotations of the Wheat: "Divorce:  The fucking you get for the fucking you got."   – Leonard Simon

"Knee defenders," $21.95, attach to the food tray arms on the back of the
airliner seat in front of you, keeping the seat in front from reclining.

Shania Twain, 49
Paul Reubens, 62
Van Morrison, 69
Susan ("Tuesday") Weld, 71
David Solberg Jr. ("Soul"), 72 (was that Starsky, or Hutch?)
Frank Robinson, 79

                                             [Lubbock County, Texas, Detention Center photos]


Borf

More money has been raised on line for Darren Wilson, the
cop who killed Michael Brown in Ferguson, Missouri, than
has been raised for Brown's family. . . . Police in St. Louis,
Missouri, killed a 25-year-old black man who brandished a
knife yelling, "Shoot me! Shoot me now, mother fucker!" on
being detained for stealing two cans of soda pop and a hon-
ey bun. . . . A Cops reality TV crew member was killed by a
policeman at a Wendy's holdup in Omaha, Nebraska. . . . The
driver and 18 students were taken to a hospital after a school
bus crashed into a tree in Houston,  Texas. . . . Nine  children
were injured on a school bus rear-ended in a  chain  reaction
crash in Mason County,  West Virginia. . . . A British journal-
ist with a Mideastern Islamic name (Mehdi Hasan) concluded
that Islamic jihadists are not motivated by Islam.  . . . An 88-
year-old woman who opened her sliding door to let in her cat
in Hamden, Connecticut, was severely bitten as the animal she
began to pet turned out to be a raccoon. . . . A pet cat was kill-
ed by yellow jackets nesting in an easy chair  outside  a  home
in Winter Haven, Florida, as it settled in for a cat nap (here are
some cats, Jan). . . . A man with an I-Pod and a hole in his shoe
was arrested for  "upskirting"  a  woman  at a Wal-Mart in San-
ford,  Florida.  .  .  .  A male nurse was arrested by police who
found several jars of  pickled penises  in his apartment in Slav-
onski Brod, Croatia, taken from the bodies of patients who had
died. .  .  . Doctors  found  a  38-year-old  fetal  skeleton  in the
womb of a 62-year-old woman complaining of abdominal pain
in India. . . . A 22-year-old homeless man from Oregon accept-
ed Miley Cyrus'  Emmy award for her  "Wrecking Ball"  music
video of the year, and it turned out he was wanted for probation
violation (police were looking). . . . Two airliners were divert-
ed when passengers defended their knees against reclining seats
in front of them:  A United flight from Newark to Denver landed
in Chicago to deplane the occupants of both seats (both unidenti-
fied and unarrested: United called it a "customer service issue"),
and an American flight from Miami to Paris landed in Boston  to
let off and arrest an unruly hindseat occupant, a man from Paris.
. . . It was said that half the U.S. women under 35 have tattoos.

    
                                [courtesy Harper's, Snopes, NBC.com, AP]

A soccer player from Cameroon, playing for a team in Algeria,
was killed by a rock thrown by one of his team's own fans.

My husband, sans wedding band (I am told), enters bars
alone  and buys drinks for female strangers sitting alone.
This invariably leads to conversation. He says he is just
being  friendly.  He does not do this when I am with him.
I say he is a cad.  What do you say?
                                                                    Friendly's Wife

McCoffee

           

Publius Leget wrote Sun 8/17/14 @10:20 CDT:

Bobby Helms was a "rocker," wasn't he?  One of his biggest
hits was "Jingle Bell Rock."

"Jingle Bell Rock" was a country song,  just like all his other hits.  Bobby
Helms wasn't even "rockabilly."  He  tried,  with "Jingle Bell Rock";  but
you'll see an accordion in that YouTube video we linked. If you think Bob-
by Helms was anything but country,  you need to listen again to  "Fraulein"
and "You Are My Special Angel."    – Editor

Len wrote Sun 8/17/14 @16:58 EDT re last week's "dumb news from
Indiana":

There are no AK-47's in that photo. The article makes no men-
tion of AK-47's.   This inclusion is an invention of the TH edi-
tor and an example of shoddy journalism.

Welcome to the world of tabloid headlines.    – Ed.

Nolan Porterfield wrote Sun 8/10/14 @16:01 CDT, under the sub-
ject line "Absolutely stupid trivia":

Is it "email" or "e-mail"?   "O.K." or "okay"?  (Contributions
may be sent to the Flat Earth Society, P.O. Box 298252, Lev-
elland, TX.)

It's "OK" (without periods)  and "e-mail."  Many dictionaries disagree
with us these days;  but you know how we are about dictionaries  – so,
that's our conclusion, and we're st-stickin' to it.

"Okay" was never more than a phonetic spelling of "O.K.", which most
lexicographers finally now agree was an  abbreviation   for  Martin Van
Buren's  Old  Kinderhook  estate  in  New York  (if it was "Old Kinder-
hook," it was OK with the President and his administration). But it's no
longer an abbreviation for "Old  Kinderhook"  (that  phrase  has lost its
significance). The expression has taken on its own meaning. Hence, the
periods are no longer necessary.   "Okay" made sense in this regard and
was OK for a century or more;  but it has fallen out of fashion,  and  the
simpler "OK" seems to be gaining favor.  A nice thing about the spelling
"OK"  is that it retains a trace of the derivation without the unnecessary
suggestion of abbreviation.  We know, we know,  we are supposed to be
the curmudgeons who oppose change in language; but since listening to
WIBC radio from Indianapolis in childhood,  we have regarded  "okay"
as  an  unfortunately  commercial  spelling  (perhaps you remember the
jewelry store jingle:  "It's okay to owe Kay till payday  – your credit is
okay with Kay").  And where does that leave Okeh  the  record  label?
"Okeh" is not even  phonetically  correct.  But for a long while "okeh"
was a spelling that rivaled "okay."

The  alleged  word  "email"  ranks right down there with  the  atrocities
"online,"  "iPhone,"  "iPad,"  "iPod"  and  "iTunes."  Let's  make  them
"e-mail," "I-Phone," "I-Pad," "I-Pod" and "I-Tunes."  All  are  contrac-
tions, not derivatives, and need apostrophes or hyphens to indicate that
the initial stands for a full word.  The precedents for a hyphen – instead
of an apostrophe as in "won't," "don't" and "can't" – are "A-bomb," "B-
girl" and "H-bomb."   They might give us  "E-mail";  but  more  recent
precedents,  "g-force" and "f-bomb,"  are  not  universally  capitalized.
The caps are necessary in an even more recent precedent,  "J-Lo,"  as
it is a contraction of proper nouns.  The I-words  should be capitalized
because  they  are proper nouns  (but you could drop the second caps:
"I-phone," "I-pad," "I-pod," "I-tunes").

The "e" in "e-mail" stands for "electronic," of course; but not even the
wonks have decided whether the "i"  in the others  stands  for  "intelli-
gent"  (which is subject to severe question  in all instances)  or  "inter-
net"  (which I-Phone and I-Tunes largely are not),  or  something  else.
We might compromise on  apostrophes  instead  of  hyphens:  "e'mail,"
"I'Phone," "I'Pad," "I'Pod," "I'Tunes"; but the difference from "won't,"
"don't" and "can't"  is that the offset letter in the "A-" and "B-" words
is pronounced separately.

Oh, dear!  Mr. P. got us started again!  As you can see, we regard much
of this as stupid, as he does, but not as trivia. We will now turn the dis-
cussion over to Len Zanger and Bruce Mitchell.

"Look at how US govt treats black community!  Still ppl are unsecure
 for having dark skins."
                                                                         – Ayatollah Ali Khamenei of Iran, on "Twitter"

"The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is now weighing in
 on the ongoing Ebola outbreak in Africa."
                                                                        – NBC News (not to mention NPR and the rest)

" . . . where the outbreak initially started."
                                                                            – Jason Beaubien, National Public Radio

"To be honest, All Things Considered is my favorite show."

                                – Emil Moffatt, local host of the NPR show at WKYU-FM, Bowl-
                                   ing Green, Ky., in the middle of a promotional announcement

Quotations of the Wheat: "The leading cause of divorce is creditscore.com."   – Leonard Simon

Marlee Matlin, 45
Carl Yastrzemski, 75
Molly Bee (1939-2009)
Ron Paul, 79
Roman Polanski, 81
Madame Pandit (1900-1990)

A 24-year-old woman, asked why she climbed into the gi-
raffe pen at the zoo in Madison, Wisconsin, explained that
she loves giraffes  (a 12-foot giraffe licked her, then kick-
ed her in the face). . . . A family in Alabama bagged a 15-
foot, 1,011-pound alligator. . . . Irani newspapers obscur-
ed the facial features of the Irani-born Stanford Universi-
ty mathematics professor  Maryam  Mirzakhani  in  news
photos regarding her winning the Fields Medal. . . .  Life
News suggested Robin Williams' depression was caused
by a girl friend's abortion in the 1970's. . . . Catholic offi-
cials inspected the home of a woman being taxed  in Liv-
erpool, England, for underoccupancy but claiming that a
demon had taken up residence in her spare bedroom. . . .
All India Radio fired all broadcasters over the age of 35
but said it would consider letting some older announcers
keep their jobs if they passed a test to prove  they  didn't
sound "too mature and boring." . . .  A man called police
in Portland, Oregon, to report that a chicken crossing the
road was blocking traffic. . . . A  woman  called  911  in
Chula Vista, California, to report that her pet cat, Cuppy,
was holding her and her adult daughter  hostage  in  their
home. . . . A woman was arrested in Seattle,Washington,
after  repeatedly  calling  911  to report harassment by a
man from whom she had stolen the  cell  phone  she was
calling on. .  .  . You remember "skeet" shooting at "clay
pigeons"?   Now it's at "drones." . . .  Miley  Cyrus  was
banned in the Dominican Republic.

I am a 13-year-old boy and can't talk about this with
anyone I know.   My father isn't in my life.   It never
mattered  because  I have the best older brother any-
one could ask for.  "Tommy" is 21,  and he is my he-
ro.   He helps me with my homework,  teaches me a-
bout life, takes me places, protects me and loves me
unconditionally.

But here's the problem.  I  think  I'm in love with him.
Is  that  possible?  He's all I can think about.   I'm not
gay.  I like girls.  I have never felt this way about any
other guy.  Tommy has a girl friend,  and they plan to
get married.  He's  never  done  anything  to make me
think he has other feelings for me, although he's very
affectionate. He gives me hugs, and kisses the top of
my head.

Is there something seriously wrong with me? Should I
tell Tommy how  I  feel?  I really love him with all my
heart.
                                                                    Little Brother

The Louisville (Ky.) Manual High School cheerleaders take a flying leap at the 2014 football season (that's Kailey Campbell, 14, in the foreground) (Courier-Journal photo by Sam Upshaw Jr.)

Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you (cartoon by D. Hopkins)

A 63-year-old monitor fell out of a moving school bus in Knox County
when she stepped into the stairwell to retrieve a fallen clipboard.

                                                                            [courtesy Herald-Leader]

"When we are promised heaven, do you think death will stop us?"

                                           – an unidentified fighter for the Islamic State ("IS," "ISIS," "ISIL")

"Such things don’t happen in civilized zoos."
                                                                            – Anna Kachurovskaya,  of the Moscow Zoo,
                                                                               commenting on the birth of a foal to a zebra
                                                                               and a donkey at a zoo in the Crimea

"Do whatever the fuck you want.  Nobody gives a fuck."

                                                        – Miley Cyrus, giving 13- and 14-year-old teeny-strip-
                                                           pers life advice at a recent recital in Louisville, Ky.

"Submit your community offense." – Candy Boling, weather girl at WNKY-TV Channel 40, Bowling Green, Ky. (the trailer caption indicated that what she might have been trying to say was "community events")

Quotations of the Wheat: "Did Father Stan say, 'Till debt do us part'?"                                                                           – Leonard Simon

Jennifer Lawrence ("J-Law"), 24
Sayyed Muqtada al-Sadr, 41
Richard Reid, 41
Mark Knopfler, 65
Maddy Prior, 67
Marilyn Mach ("vos Savant"), 68
John ("Boog") Powell, 73
James ("Mudcat") Grant, 79
Ann Blyth, 86
Arlene Dahl, 89

Bobby Helms (1933-1997)

Change.org was circulating a petition  asking the Aspen
(Colorado) Art Museum to take I-Pads off turtles' backs.
. . .  In Warsaw,  Ohio,  on a Sunday morning,  six bare-
breasted dancers from a night club in nearby New Cas-
tle, Ohio, marched in the parking lot of a fundamentalist
church that had picketed the club. . . .  A screaming man
was rescued after three hours in a clothing donation box
from which he emerged  wearing only a shirt  and boxer
shorts in Vancouver,  British Columbia. . . . The "no fly"
list grew to 47,000 names  and  the  Terrorist Screening
Data Base, to 680,000. . . . A cell phone ring tone play-
ing Justin Bieber's "Baby"  scared off a bear attacking a
fisherman in Siberia. .  .  .  A woman hiking in Colorado
fended off a mountain lion by singing opera to it.  . . .  A
15-year-old boy in Racine,Wisconsin, boasted of shoot-
ing a man in a rap posted on SoundCloud on line  – and
was arrested in the man's murder. . . . A petition protest-
ing a high school freshman sex education textbook inclu-
ding information on bondage and vibrators  gained more
than 2,265 signatures  in  Fremont,  California. .  .  . Six
Swiss tourists having sex in the back of a van  on  Ibiza,
Spain, got fined for not wearing seat belts. . . .Wikipedi-
a refused to honor a copyright claimed by a British pho-
tographer who gave his camera to monkeys to take "sel-
fies." . . . A woman who posted a photo on Clutterbook
Facebook of her baby granddaughter in a  roasting  pan
surrounded by potatoes, and another of her with her pac-
ifier taped into her mouth,  got a visit from child services
in Columbus,Ohio. . . .ABC News caught hell for stream-
ing aerial footage of Robin Williams'  home  after a family
spokesman asked for privacy (CNN and Rush Limbaugh
also were called down for their coverage). . . . A hospital
in Melbourne, Australia, faxed death notices to the family
doctors of 200 living patients. . . . Governor  Rick  Perry
of Texas was indicted for politics. . . . A  4-foot  alligator
showed up at the back door of a junior high school in Ka-
ty, Texas.  .  .  .  A car was swallowed by a sinkhole in a
parking  lot  in  suburban  Pittsburgh,  Pennsylvania.  . . .
White boys,  too,  get gunned down by cops. . . .  Celine
Dion canceled all her shows.

Arrested in Lubbock: Jennifer Roxanne Licon, 28, no insurance; Khadijhah Royale Perkins, 20, speeding, speeding, hairfro [Tabloid Headlines POLL: GUY or GAL?]; Zyndia Horton, 28, no driver's license [LOTSA gal] (Lubbock County Texas Detention Center Photos)

Athletes from the  Ebola  belt  were barred from combat and
swimming pool sports at the Junior Olympics in China. . . .

NASCAR'S Tony Stewart ran over and killed another driver
in a dirt track race at Watkins Glen,  New York,  as the other
driver,  whose car  was  clipped  by  Stewart's  a lap earlier,
walked into the middle of the track to confront Stewart. . . .

Hands up! Don't shoot! Oops! He already did. . . . Shaquille O'Neal

Doctors in Sierra Leone were being forced to choose between
Januvia and Gevalia for treatment of Ebola.

I am 13 and an avid reader of your column. I've been working
at a summer program,  and I ride a school bus there and back.
Two young men ride the same bus.   I have a crush on one of
them (I'll call him "Liam"),  but I happen to know he likes an-
other girl.  The other guy  (I'll call him "Noah")  seems to like
me.   I had a crush on Noah  last  year,  but I'm not sure I still
have those same feelings.  Noah sometimes sits next to me on
the bus and talks to me.

Here's  the  problem:  One day it seems they both like me, and
then another day Liam seems interested in that other girl and I
am laughing and giggling with Noah. I am hopelessly confused
about these mixed signals.    I told two of my girl friends about
this and they concluded that both these boys like me but Liam
likes the other girl better.  Is it wrong for me to like both these
boys?  If Noah says he likes me, what do I do?  Please help.

                                                                                        Omaha

Len wrote Sun 8/3/14 @12:36 EDT:

To Mr. Yates' comment  "Nothing is 'on line' any more;  it's al-
most all wireless," that is an extraordinary exaggeration. In his
home, perhaps, but not in the big wide world.  Only my phone
is  wireless.  Our  computers  at  home  and  at work,  and  our
phones at work, are all wired.

The use of "online" as a single word is  widely  accepted,  espe-
cially in the wireless community Mr. Yates seems to regard  so
highly. We do not need to give equal regard to the fallacious sil-
liness of his "onweb" nuttery.

As  Mr. Yates  so  graphically  pointed  out in his letter last  week,  "widely  accepted"  is  not  the  equivalent of  acceptable.    And the editors of Tabloid Headlines (and of reputable dictionaries)  do not find the suggest- ed use of the nonwords "onweb"  and "oninternet"  one bit more atrocious or nutty than the alleged "online." – Editor           Pedro Strop, right-handed pitcher now with the Chi-    cago Cubs, whose cap he wears just as sidewise

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 8/3/14 @17:14 PDT:

What dumb things to get worked up about.

Keith Durbin wrote Mon 8/4/14 @16:22 CDT:

There is a treatment for Ebola:  A root beer fload.

I didn't say it was effective.

Publius Leget wrote Sun 8/3/14 @10:45 CDT:

Putting one little word after another and,  uh, er,  how is the In-
diana State Fair going to enforce its "three beers per customer"
rule?

A 12-year-old boy stole a school bus and led police on a low-speed
chase through Tippecanoe, Carroll and White counties before crash-
ing into a home in Brookston, where the joy ride began.
                                                                                          [WLFI-TV]

One school bus rear-eneded another in Jeffersonville,  propelling  the
bus in front into the path of an automobile that then struck it (22 stu-
dents went to the hospital). . . .

An alligator, a hedgehog, a parrot, four turtles, an untold number of
hermit crabs,  snakes  and hamsters  and more than 500 mice were
being removed from a  storefront  where a man lives  at a strip mall
in Muncie. . . .

The athletic director of Bluffton High School  was  critically  injured
when struck by a car driven by the principalas the AD tossed an ath-
letic bag onto the hool of the principal's car and the principal swerv-
ed into the AD. . . .

An Evansville city councilwoman was called down for  cussing  out
other council members and her campaign chairman on the telephone
and  Clutterbook  Facebook,  where she told the  campaign  man  he
"needs a bullet – and that would be humane." . . .

A  Brownsburg  woman  mounted a "social media" campaign to help
her autistic 10-year-old son keep his five "therapy chickens," in vio-
lation of the town poultry ordinance. . . .

A semitrailer rolled over spilling a load of Miller's Lite on  I-65  near
Lowell.
                                                               [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Denise Garcia, HF, 5'5", 180 lbs, battery by bodily waste; Jennifer Shea, 5'4", 150 lbs, identity deception (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

While Senator Mitch McConnell is seeking re-election on a pro-coal,
pro-tobacco platform,  his wife, former Labor Secretary Elaine Chao,
sits on the board of Bloomberg Philanthropies, backing anti-coal  and
anti-tobacco campaigns. . . .

Senator Rant Rand Paul was dubbed Kentucky's "poet lariat" for a po-
em he delivered about Democratic Senate candidate Alice-in-Wonder-
land's Groin Alison Lundergan Grimes at the annual Fancy Farm polit-
ical picnic.
                                                    [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Strange new sign in Brownsville

No loitering? The Minit Mart is the social center of Brownsville. Loitering is its business model. But apparently there has been a security concern about 3 a.m. (Tabloid Headlines photos)

Catholic Archbishop Dennis Schnurr  of  Cincinnati  called on his flock
of half a million  to pray that the 6th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals,  sit-
ting in Cincinnati, reverse rulings in Kentucky, Tennessee, Ohio and Mi-
chigan granting homosexual marriage rights. . . .

A Tea Party candidate who lost to Senator Mitch McConnell in the Re-
publican primary election blamed the voters. . . .

The Mount Eden Volunteer Fire Department was destroyed by fire. . . .


    [courtesy Herald-Leader]

At a linguistics conference in London,  Samsundar Bal-
gobin, of Guyana, was asked to distinguish the past par-
ticiple "finished" from the adjective "complete."

"When you marry the right woman," he explained,  "you
are  complete.  If you marry the wrong woman,  you  are
finished. And if the right one catches you with the wrong
one, you are completely finished."

"We tortured some folks."
                                                – President Obama

"With all this great barbecue, trust me, there's no way I'm gonna leave here today an empty dress."

           – Alice-in-Wonderland's Groin Alison Lundergan Grimes, at the annual Fancy Farm Ken-
              tucky political picnic (click the FF link, then forward once for the empty dress's speech)

"When you finally see Senator McConnell and I on this same stage . . . this race
  is between me and you . . . ."
                                                        – Alice-in-Wonderland's Groin Alison Lundergan Grimes

"The supply of these are dwindling."
                                                                    – Devin Banerjee, Bloomberg News

Quotations of the Wheat (pickup lines): "Excuse me, miss – are those 'yoga pants' you have on?   I  pray to Shiva, Buddha, and Jesus H. Christ those flowery  panties I see inside mean the roses are red." – Leonard Simon

Soleil Moon Frye, 38
Smokey the Bear, 70
Mel Tillis, 82
Don Larsen, 85
Marilyn Louis ("Rhonda Fleming"), 91

Rahsaan Roland Kirk (1935-1977)
Matilda Genevieve Scaduto ("Felice Bryant," 1925-2003)

Approximately 300 pet rats were removed from an apart-
ment in Kettering,  Ohio. . . .  A 6-year-old boy drove his
battery-powered 3-wheel ATV onto the Bronx River Park-
way  in New York  (where three other motorists formed a
slow-moving shield around him). . . .  Kicki  Karlén  dis-
covered the remains of 80 persons  stored in large blue I-
kea bags at the Kläckeberga church near Kalmar, Sweden
(OK?). . . . A blogger for a school in Utah  was  fired  for
discussing homophones.  . . .  A 48-year-old Scotswoman
threw  her  prosthetic  leg  at the cabin crew of an airliner
en route from Tunisia to Edinburgh.  .  .  .  An Englishman
pushed a Brussels sprout up a mountain with his nose. . . .
British police raided a country pub seeking a wooden bowl
thought by some to be the Holy Grail. . . . A  giraffe  being
carried in an open trailer banged its head  against  an  over-
pass on a South African highway and died. 

Arrested in Lubbock: Angela Melody Millier (sic), WF, 20: Possession of marijuana (Lubbock County, Texas, Detention Center photos)

                    [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

Summer Cheyenne Durham, 17 (no charge said - guess they just wanted her); Kathryn Elizabeth Kilgore, 22, DWI, open container, drug paraphernalia; Melanie Denise Scott, 30, Running a red light, DWOL, no insurance; Tressie Jolynn Pair, 26, theft between $20,000 and $100,000; Lena Robyn Monreal, 31, domestic assault; Kathy Ybarra Reyna, 41, DWOL, assault; Sara Anna Alvarado, 35, public intoxication, open container, DWOL, no ins; Alexis Guajardo, 23, burglary of a habitation, injury to child, criminal negligence, DWOL

Texas Governor Rick Perry orders Dallas Cowboys to Mexican Border (Borowitz Report)

Pro basketballer Ron Artest, who changed his name to Metta
World Peace while playing for the Los Angeles Lakers, now
plays for the Sichuan Blue Whales of the Chinese Basketball
Association and is changing his name to Panda Friend.

When it comes to relationships,  whether family  or  friends,
I've always had to be the one to pursue communication with
them. They rarely call to say hello or ask how things are go-
ing.  I recently moved from Tennessee to Indiana, and I feel
like I'm by myself. I have few friends here. What would you
suggest I do?
                                                                    Lonesome Hoosier

Publius Leget wrote Sun 7/27/14 @11:16 CDT:

So, what's the big "Roosters and grunts" deal with the "unmanned
railway crossing" in India where the train hit the school bus?

If the train had an engineer  or the bus had a driver,  the crossing was not
unmanned.   Maybe the custom in India is to post human guards at cross-
ings for safety,  unlike most of Europe and the Americas,  where we mark
railroad crossings with X signs and/or signal approaching trains with flash-
ing lights and/or bells and/or whistles and/or obstruct access with electron-
ic gates. An "unmanned" crossing means nothing to us, but an "unmarked"
crossing might produce a scandal.        – Editor


Jeanetta Girard wrote Mon 7/28/14 @10:07 CDT:

Was Senator Paul including himself among "the idiots and trolls in
Washington"?

Stephen Yates wrote Mon 7/28/14 @13:54 CDT re the Editor's criticism of Len Zanger's use of "on line" as a one-word adverb ("online"): You're both wrong!  Nothing is "on line" any more; it's almost all wireless.  How about "on web" or "on inter- net" ("onweb" or "oninternet" for you, Mr. Zanger). And,  extending the discussion from proper speech to simply proper, just because it has become socially ac- ceptable  to wear your cap sidewise  and  your  pants halfway down your ass does not make it right!

#asscrack

By exporting coal, the U.S. is sending pollution overseas and making it-
self look cleaner. . . .

Alice-in-Wonderland's Groin Alison Lundergan Grimes announced that
Bill Clinton would appear at U.S. Senate campaign rallies for her in Lex-
ington and Hazard this week.
                                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

                                                                                                  
                             [courtesy Herald-Leader]

Lexington's most wanted: Peyton Pertgande, WF, 24, 5'9", 170 lbs

Two women survived being run over by a train as they lay flat on
the ties of an 80-foot-high trestle over Shuffle Creek northeast of
Bloomington (there's video) – and the women have been charged
with criminal trespass.

                               [courtesy WTHR-TV, Louisville Courier-Journal]

Beer and wine are being sold at the State Fair for the first time
since 1946, with a limit of three drinks per person. . . .

A sinkhole closed a block of South 7th Street in Terre Haute.

                                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Diana Bartley, BF, 5'0", 135 lbs, theft, FTA; Most wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Ashley Marie Swan, WF, poss. of marijuana (2nd); Rebecca Ann Percy, WF, larceny in a building; (Arrested) Lawrence William Elliott, WM, Home invasion; Delores Jean Thomas, BF, larceny in a building; (Arrested) Sandra Elaine Isom, BF, malicious destruction of personal property (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

[For more dumb news from Indiana, see the the sports section, below.]

"If we as a society cannot stomach the splatter from an execution carried out by firing
 squad, then we shouldn't be carrying out executions at all."

                                                        – Alex Kozinski, chief judge of the 9th U.S. Circuit
                                                           Court of Appeals, in San Francisco, California

"Why didn't we give him Drano?"

                                         – Richard Brown, brother-in-law of the victim of the Arizona
                                            convict who took two hours to die from a lethal injection

"With Hamas there is no option but 'mowing the grass'."

                                                        – Efraim Inbar, director of the Begin-Sadat Center
                                                           for Strategic Studies, Bar-Ilan University, Israel

"An American doctor working with Ebola patients is now being treated for the virus in Liberia."

                                                      – Barbara Klein, National Public Radio, Sunday, July 27, after
                                                         weeks of telling us, "There is no treatment for the disease"
                                                         (likewise Associated Press, UPI, BBC, AFP, etc., etc.)

Quotations of the Wheat: "I have been cheated on more times than a blind man playing  scrabble with Gypsies."                                                                    – Leonard Simon

Hilary Swank, 40
Simon Baker, 45
Vida Blue, 65
Sally Struthers, 67
Arnold Schwarzenegger, 67
"Professor" Irwin Corey, 100

Kate Bush, 58

Bonnie Brown, 77
Buddy Guy, 78
Ramblin' Jack Elliott, 83

Welsh scientists concluded that fist bumps transmit only 10
per cent as many germs as hand shakes. . . . Twins  born  in
Buffalo, New York, not only are not identical  but are not
even of the same sex and have not even the same  birthday
(Kellan Michael Muldowney was born 12 hours after Ken-
nedy Clare Muldowney). . . . Two  police  cars  collided in
Syracuse, New York, when one of them ran a red light. . . .
A woman who got out of a drunk's car  to  walk  home  was
struck and killed when he pulled over to the roadside to talk
to her,  on Long Island, New York. . . . A drunk who got out
of his pickup truck to bang on the window of the motorist in
front of him was run over by his own truck  in  Gainesville,
Florida, when the other motorist drove away. . . . A 12-year-
old boy  learning to drive  crashed into a neighbor's house in
Norwalk, Connecticut. . . . A couple in Ligonier, Pennsylva-
nia, got probation for locking their 5-year-old son in the trunk
of their car (with a  flashlight and candy) to deal with his fear
of the dark. . . . Kid Rock was subpoenaed to produce a glass
dildo. .  .  . Two New York infants got herpes in "oral suction"
circumcisions. . . . Russia sent five geckos into space to copu-
late in zero gravity. . . . Five inmates escaped a prison in Dar-
win, Australia,  got  drunk  with cohorts waiting for them out-
side, and then came back. . . . An Albanian couple whose Ca-
ne Corso dogs  killed  a  jogger  in Lapeer County, Michigan,
were charged with second degree murder.

Arrested in Lubbock: Ernestina Angelita Garcia, 19, Summer Jackson, 35 (left to right), DWI (both) (Lubbock County, Texas, Detention Center photos)

I keep seeing women who are wearing  see-through black
athletic leggings.  Maybe they just don’t know that I, and
everyone around me on the bus  or at the gym or the gro-
cery store, can see their flowery granny panties.  Is it bet-
ter for me to clam up and not say anything? Or quietly ap-
proach them and mention that their pants offer less cover-
age than they think?
                                                            I Can See Everything

This photo appeared in the "Retro Indy" gallery of the Indianapolis Star, over the
caption "Indianapolis Colts cheerleader Michelle Bush, 19,  of Shelbyville, Indi-
ana,  leads the cheerleaders on the field during a Colts football game at the Hoo-
sier Dome, date unknown."  How "retro" can it be?  The Colts have been in Indi-
anapolis only since 1984,  and played in the RCA or "Hoosier" Dome as recently
as 2007.  And color photography was common in newspapers as early as 1984.

As DUMB as cable and satellite TV are, at least we can give
them a little credit for helping us "surf" with their program ti-
tles – we  mean,  how long do you have to linger  on such as
"Talk to Al Jazeera" and "Brazilian butt lift"?

The movies:  Don't Stall