April 26, 2015:  Things you would never know if you did
not browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the
counter in the supermarket –“ this week's headlines (this is-
sue brought to you by he Nat. Cen. Cheese Assn.):

FGDean@aol.com wrote Tues 4/21/15 @08:19 PDT:

The  "all  gender" restroom in the White House may
sound more progressive than it is. I've visited sever-
al restaurants in the Los Angeles area  that have so-
called  "unisex"  restrooms  that accommodate only
one person at a time.  They're  not  making  a  state-
ment;  they're just saving space – and money.

Stephen Yates wrote Sun 4/19/15 @11:18 CDT:

Your coverage of the Shayna Hubers case has been
excellent.  It's just another reason I get all my news
from Tabloid Headlines.

Cathy Canty, associate editor of the Edmonson News (a/k/a
the "Gimlet") wrote Weds 4/22/15 @15:38 CDT:

You've got too much time on your hands.

Excuse me, Miss, but – is watching Dancing With the Stars ta-
king up all of your creative time?   – Editor, Tabloid Headlines


    

Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Jason Paul Vickery, WM, assault on police officer; Chloe Megan Rose, WF, tampering with electronic monitoring device (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Cell phone thieves in East Chicago were arrested after their "self-
ies" popped up on the victim's mother's "I-cloud." . . .

A state senator was renewing her efforts to require cursive instruc-
tion in the state's schools after failing the last three years. . . .

Valparaiso University was shut down after a student called police
to say he was armed and had taken hostages at a school library (it
was a joke, and he was arrested).
                                                          [courtesy Columbus Republic]

A girls golf coach who "tweeted" for help to burn down the Walk-
erton pizzeria that refused to cater to gays was fired.

                                                                    [courtesy Goshen News]

"I'm in the office six days a week, €“not because I care so much about my clients, but because
  I'm too slow to get it done any faster."
                                                                               €“– David Niehaus, Asst. Public Defender, Louisville, Ky.

"For him to make the judgment call that he did shows great restraint and
  maturity."
                       – New Richmond, Ohio, police chief Randy Harvey, praising a rookie patrolman
                          who declined to shoot a white man charging him and yelling "Shoot me!"

"On the bright side, Kentucky has seen a decrease in the number of child deaths due to
  child abuse."
                                – The Edmonson (County, Kentucky) News, in an article
                                   reporting the state to be in the top ten for child abuse

"United Airlines:  Seize the journey."

Quotations of the Wheat: "Don't should on me." €“ Leonard Simon

"Most people past college age these days are not atheists because  atheists  don't
  get any days off.  And if you're agnostic, you don't know whether you'll get days
  off or not."
                                     –€“ Mort Sahl

Birthdays:
                     
                      Michael Moore, 61
                      Al Pacino, 75
                      Sue Grafton, 75
                      Jack Nicholson, 78
                      Glen Campbell, 79
                      Queen Elizabeth II, 89
                      John Paul Stevens, 95

"Country singers":
                                      Duane Eddy, 77

Deaths:
                      Stan Freburg, 88
                      Arthur "Art" Vogedes, 85
                     

Celebrity lookalikes: Kathy Harris, Shayna Hubers

Denver police issued five dozen tickets for smoking in
public as Coloradans celebrated the legalization of ma-
rijana on the weekend of Stoner Day, 4/20. . . .IVETTE
was substituted for ISIS  on the list of names for hurri-
canes. . . . Hillary Clinton left nothing in the tip jar at a
Chipotle restaurant in Maumee, Ohio. . . .Prostitutes in
Carson City, Nevada, organized Hookers for Hillary. . . .
A Mennonite motorist  transporting  four  puppies  in  a
tarp-covered cage atop a minivan was stopped by police
near Akron, Ohio. . . .The Brooklyn Folk Festival's ann-
ual Gowanus Canal Banjo Toss drew competitors from
around the world (here's another banjo competition). . . .
Five students died in a 10-vehicle pileup on I-16  in Ge-
orgia.
                                        [courtesy Harper's, Snopes, AP]


Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Xavier Crump,BM, 26, 6'2", 300+ lbs, possession of cocaine, indecency with a child (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

The manager of baseball's Cincinnati Reds blamed the
media for a losing streak. . . .

The Phoenix Mercury's Brittney Griner and her fiancée,
the Tulsa Shock's Glory Johnson,  were  arrested  after a
fight in their suburban Phoenix home.

At least once a week I get an unsolicited phone call from
"Rachel from Cardholder Services."  This seems to be an
obvious scam to get me to switch to another credit card,
or maybe just to get personal information.  I've received
these calls both in Connecticut and Florida.   When I ask,
"Who do you represent?" they hang up.

Now I'm getting calls from some individual telling me his
organization detected a problem  with  my  computer  the
last time I was  on  the  internet.   This one is more worri-
some because they are searching for access to my compu-
ter.  Again, I assume it's an illegal call.

What agency do I contact to get help shutting down these
scam artists?

                                                                        Buffaloed in Biscayne

The state hired a public relations firm to rebuild its image from
the Religious Freedom Restoration Act fiasco.

                                                            [courtesy Huffington Post]

A "wedding expo" will be held today at Indiana Grand Racing
& Casino in Shelbyville  where 30 businesses willing to cater
to homosexuals will show off their wares  (another is schedul-
ed a month later in downtown Indianapolis). . . .

A woman left her 3-year-old daughter at a Wal-Mart  in  Muncie
and didn't notice until she had driven the 22 miles home to Hart-
ford City. . . .

The town council of Fort Branch approved an ordinance to fine
parents $50 for the first offense and $100 for the second offense
of their children's leaving toys in the streets. . . .

The town marshal of Hope (pop. 2,102, in Bartholomew Coun-
ty) was sentenced to 1½ years in prison for wrongful arrest (but
he'll only have to serve 2 weeks of the sentence – news  reports
did not say whether he'd lose his job,  which he has held for 24
years). . . .

A "Megabus" struck a semitrailer in the rear on I-65 near Edin-
burg(h),  pushing it into two cars ahead of it;  17  persons were
injured  (it was the fourth Megabus crash in Indiana in the last
six months).
                                                     [courtesy Columbus Republic]

     

South Bend's most wanted: Zachary Gadacz, WM, 5'9", 225 lbs, theft; Alyssa Kirkendolph, HF, 5'6", 155 lbs, battery, FTA. . . and in Berrien County, Michigan: Angela Michelle Kelly, BF, larceny from a building; Lisa Renell Smith, BF, assault with a dangerous weapon; Dorcilia Inez Patton, BF, embezzlement (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

A federal judge denied a 58-year-old death row prisoner's request for a state-
funded hip replacement. . . .

A Warsaw man stabbed his wife to death and then died of a heart attack. . . .

Lexington's most wanted: Donte Mundy, BM, 30, 5'8", 240 lbs

                                                                                                [Herald-Leader]

Rand Paul joined Hillary Clinton, Chris Christie and Joe Biden as a comic
book hero.
                                    [courtesy Park City Daily News, Bowling Green, Ky.]

Two candidates for governor took pies in the face for the sake of charity.

                                                                  [courtesy Tampa (Fla.) Sun Times]


  

Shayna Hubers (right), now 24,  a former "honor student" who
shot her boy friend, a 29-year-old Cincinnati lawyer,  six times
in 2012, twice in the face,  and told police "I gave him his nose
job he wanted!"  was on trial for murder  in  Newport.  That's a
member of her legal team on the left  (she  has  pleaded  "self-
defense"!).  You read about her first in Tabloid Headlines.

                                                    [courtesy Cincinnati Enquirer]

A black judge in Louisville  (known as "Judge Selfie"  to col-
leagues) blasted white parents for saying,  in a "victim impact
statement," that their 3-year-old daughter was in constant fear
of  black  men  since two of them burst into the family's home
and robbed the family at gunpoint. . . .



                                                                       [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"I am not a genius, as pretty much anybody can tell you; but I learned to read."

        – David Niehaus, Assistant Public Defender, Louisville (the lawyer who won Batson v. Ken-
           tucky, the Supreme Court case that prohibited discharging jurors solely because of race)

"Mercedes-Benz:  The best, or nothing" (tell Walter Scott).

Quotations of the Wheat: "Married men don't live longer; they just think they do." €“ Leonard Simon

"I wouldn't want to be an atheist; they have no holidays."
                                                                                                               – Henny Youngman

                  

Arrested in Abilene: Cynthia Cortez, HF, 27, 5'3", 140 lbs, meth (and firewater) (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

The White House opened an "all gender" restroom. .  .  .
Women on 20's  nominated the late Cherokee chief Wil-
ma Mankiller and three other women to replace Andrew
Jackson on the $20 bill. . . . A 13-year-old boy in Medi-
na, Ohio,  got $25,000 from his grandfather and handed
out  $100 bills  to classmates. . . . A man carrying a can-
vas bag with a dollar sign printed on it was  arrested  for
robbing a Subway restaurant  in  Olympia,  Washington.
.  .  .  A television adman in Utah was convicted of using
an aircraft to harass wildlife for kicking a barn owl while
riding a motorized paraglider. . . .  A New York City wo-
man was accused of being married to eight men simulta-
neously in an immigration scheme. . . .  Same-sex marri-
age was declared legal in Guam.

                        [courtesy Harper's, Snopes, HuffPost, AP]

 

Rachel Lynn Lehnardt, 35, of Evans, Georgia, was arrested for throwing a "naked twister" party for her 16-year-old daughter, at which she (Mom) had sex with the girl's 16-year-old boy friend and another boy, 18, and everyone had marijuana and some kind of sex with someone

Ocho Ocho Ocho will run in this year's Kentucky Derby. . . .

  

The golf: Tied for ugly at the Masters: Ian Poulter, Ernie Els, Justin Rose

My husband and I have been married for three years  and

lived together for 15 years  before  that.  Sex  has  always
been difficult. Last week I found him masturbating in the
back yard.  What should I do? Should I consult a doctor?
My husband refuses to talk about it at all.
                                                                         I Need Help

            

Cussy Sexsooy Bohaay     Add friend

Publius Leget wrote Sun 4/5/15 @19:38 CDT:

What has become of "Lexington's Most Wanted"?

For the third week in a row there are no hotties you have not
seen before.    – Editor

A pizzeria in Walkerton that announced it would not cater a
gay  wedding  (and closed in response to protests)  received
$840,000 from supporters.
                                                                 [courtesy MSNBC]

Marion County agreed to pay a total of $1½ million to firms
whose bids were not accepted for a new justice center. . . .

Bedbugs closed a movie theater in Indianapolis. . . .

Governor  Mikey,  still suffering foot-in-mouth disease  from
trying to pronounce RFRA, canceled a trip to Nashville, Ten-
nessee, to address the National Rifle Association convention.

                                                  [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Kinte Johnson, BM, 6'1", 300+ lbs, possession of marijuana and cocaine, probation violation; Aaron Bickel, WM, 5'7", 160 lbs, residential entry (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

A Boyle County woman reported to social services 19 times for a-
buse and neglect of her 3-year-old step-granddaughter  finally mur-
dered the child.
                                            [courtesy Danville Advocate-Messenger]

The University of Kentucky hired a lobbying firm in Washington, D.C.,
for half a million dollars to seek federal grants. . . .

In  1941,  William "Wild Bill" Johnson, 20, and Lillian Karr, 16,  of Cor-
bin, ran off and got married.  Some 73 years later Mr. Johnson, 93,  died
last Tuesday at a nursing home in Lexington;  and  Lillian,  89,  who had
said,  "I'm not going until Bill goes,"  died  five minutes later,  a resident
of the same nursing home.
                                                            [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Senator Rand Paul mistook the origin of New Hampshire's state motto
"Live free or die."
                                                       [courtesy Minneapolis Star-Tribune]

Senator Paul lectured another TV anchor on her journalism.

                                                                            [courtesy Raw Story]
 

Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Kristi Ann Parks, welfare fraud; also wanted, Tazman Montel Jefferson, Raymundo Monroy (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

"The sun does shine."
                                           –€“ Anthony Ray Hinton,  58,  freed after serving 30 years in a 5-by-
                                              8-foot cell in an Alabama prison for murders he did not commit

"If Alex Poythress doesn't get hurt, it would've been
  eight."
                    – University of Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari, commenting on the seven
                       of his players – a junior, three sophomores and three freshmen – who turned pro

"Oh, my God, I want to fuck the President!"
                                                                            – rapper (rappette? rappenne?) Azealia Banks

"Fuck that nigger."
                                       €“ – Andrew Harrison,  who is black,  of the University of Kentucky basket-
                                          ball team,  about  Frank  Kaminsky,  who is white,  of Wisconsin,  at  a
                                          press conference after Kentucky's NCAA tournament loss to Wisconsin

"U.S. Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky has made it official . . . the second Republican to for-
 mally announce a 2016 bid for the White House."
                                                                                                – Lisa Autry, WKYU-FM radio, Bowling
                                                                                                   Green, Ky., and numerous other broad-
                                                                                                   casters, newspapers and news services

Quotations of the Wheat: " 'Tis spring, and the Wheat's mind turns to hot jumanji." €“ Leonard Simon

"This cheese is so good, I would like to Edam.  But this cheese is even Gouda."
                                                                                                                                                     –€“ John M. Greer

                                        "There is no expertise without collaboration."
                                                                                                                     “ – MFS Investment Management

"You cannot prove the nonexistence of God; you have to take it on faith."
                                                                                                                        – Woody Allen

* def.:  atheist aphorism, . . . or

Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Stormy Brrewer, WF, 23, 5'6", 145 lbs, house breaking, child neglect; William Ward, WM, 34, 5'10", 185 lbs, deadly conduct, probation violation; Crystal Casarez, HF, 27, 4'7", 125 lbs, possession of meth & firewater (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

A naked woman attempted to rob a convenience store
in Charleston, West Virginia. . . . A survey was report-
ed  finding that  73  per  cent  of Americans  who  like
grilled cheese sandwiches have sex monthly compared
to 68 percent who don't like grilled cheese. . . . Bakers
in Longwood, Florida,  received threats for refusing
to write "I hate gays" on a cake. . . . Goldfish, believed
to have started with the dump of a bowl, have taken o-
ver Teller Lake in Colorado. . . .  A quotation on a new
U.S. stamp commemorating Maya Angelou is not hers.
. . .  A New York court allowed a woman to serve div-
orce papers on her husband by Clutterbook Facebook.
. . .A sea lion leapt for a fish being photographed with
its captor at a marina  in  San  Diego,  California,  and
pulled both fish and fisherman into the water.  .  .  .  A
74-year-old man's mother-in-law's tombstone  toppled
on  him  as he decorated it  in  Throop,  Pennsylvania,
killing  him.  .  .  .  The only white city councilman of
Pine Bluff,  Arkansas,  was  censured  by  the council
for repeatedly calling J. C. Cunningham,  a black citi-
zen,  Mr.  "Cooningham"  on a Clutterbook Facebook
forum. . . . A committee of the Tennessee Senate pas-
sed a bill to make the Bible the  state  book  despite a
recommendation against it by  a  Methodist  preacher
from Nashville.

[courtesy Harper's, Snopes, HuffPost, Raw Story, AP]

    . . .

Erin Vergara, 34, of Indianapolis, women's winner of Papa John's 10-mile run in Louisville, Ky.

Josh Groban will sing the National Anthem at this year's Kentucky Derby. . . .

Churchill Downs, home of the Kentucky Derby, banned "selfie sticks." . . .

  

Ugly black boys' mothers: Dorothy Jeter (née Connors), Derek Jeter's mother (with Derek's father, Sanderson Charles Jeter)

My husband has the emotional IQ of a 10-year-old.    I
recently  spent  six  hours  in the emergency room  for
tests to rule out a potentially life-threatening problem.
I asked "Mack" to drive me to the ER  because  doctors
advised me not to drive myself home afterward.  Mack
said he had to stay home and take care of the dog.

It's not the first time.  Some years ago I had outpatient
surgery. When the nurse went to look for Mack he was
nowhere   to  be  found – he had driven the 45 minutes
back home to take care of the dog and hadn't returned.

I had to take a taxi home.   In the recent episode,   I drove
myself home, first walking several blocks in the cold past
a construction site to get to the car.  When I got home, my
husband didn't even bother to ask how I was.   Talking  to
a counselor is out of the question.   I'm a very private per-
son and would not  be  comfortable  talking to someone a-
bout this.  I only needed a little TLC.  How do I make Mack
understand?
                                                           Devastated in Dixie

Stephen Yates wrote Sun 3/29/15 @11:18 CDT:

OK, Deana Taylor, "FTA":  Fine, tight ass?

Indianapolis brewers formed the organization Girls Pint Out to
introduce "craft beers" to women. . . .

An HIV epidemic in rural Scott County,  in  Southern  Indiana,
was attributed to the closing the the Planned Parenthood outlet
there;  and  a  needle  exchange  program  was  making its way
through the state legislature. . . .

The legislature attempted to tone down its "Religious Freedom
Restoration Act" in a storm of protest and criticism (broadcast-
ers like to call it RFRA, pronounced "rifrah"). The mayor of Se-
attle, Washington, had issued an executive order prohibiting trav-
el to Indiana on taxpayer-funded expense accounts, and other re-
percussions had ensued.
                                                        [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Editor's note:  In case you're wondering why Tabloid Headlines
made no mention last week RFRA,  which had ABC News and
George Snuffleupagus so excited  and  Governor Mikey so dis-
combobulated  (that's Mike Pence,  whom Renée Montagne re-
ferred to as Mike "Spence" on National Public Radio),   we  re-
ported it in our January 11 issue.

Terrill Newman, of Pulaski County, changed his name on Tuesday
to "Gatewood Galbraith (Newman)," adopting the name of the late
Lexington marijuana advocate who ran for Governor five times as
an independent,  and filed for Governor as an independent the next
day – i.e., Mr. "Galbraith (Newman)" did. He said he would change
back to his birth name after the election next November. . . .

The state Supreme Court struck down a ruling by a local court  in-
terrupting the questioning of a murder suspect until a public defen-
der could be appointed.
                                                   [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Indiana's "religious freedom" law dwarfs Kentucky's, according
to the Louisville Courier-Journal.

Lewerren Dondrell Washington; Willie Eugene Dirck Shango Hull;
Keane Garrett Engelberg; Michael Jerome Exom III.

"He wasn't interested in what was on the menu; he had to have it his way."

      – Dusseldorf pizzeria operator Habib Hassani, of the late Germanwings pilot Andreas Lubitz

"Hopefully they will strangle each other."

                            – Peter Benfold, brother of homophobic murder victim whose killer was to be
                               married to another homo killer in a same-sex wedding at a prison in England

"This is not about discrimination."
                                                                     – Governor Mikey of Indiana

"Cake is speech."
                                        – the Rev. Tim Overton, Baptist pastor in Muncie, Indiana

"There's a fash flood watch for our area."
                                                                                    – Joe Corcoran, WKYU-FM, Bowling Green, Ky.

Quotations of the Wheat: "It's even more fun to say it the way the Polish do:  "Nikt nigdy nic nie wie,  o niczym" – Nobody never knows nothing, about nothing.  Double negatives  are not merely allowed in Polish, I am told; they are required." – Leonard Simon

"If pigs had guns, we wouldn't have bacon."
                                                                                        – John M. Greer

                   

Lindsey Ann Radomski, 32, a yoga teacher, was arrested for giving a 15-year-old boy a blow job at a bar mitzvah in Scottsdale, Arizona, and letting six other boys fondle her augmented breasts (Arizona Republic)

A Chinese Uighur Muslim was sentenced to six years
in prison for growing a beard. . . . A U.S. Marine was
on trial in the Philippines for  drowning  a  "trans-
gender" woman (man?) in a hotel room toilet. . . .
A woman died of repeated butt injections  in Dallas,
Texas  (a  salon  worker  was arrested for  practicing
medicine  without a license).  .  .  .  Twelve hundred
homes were evacuated in London  while experts de-
fused a 1,000-lb. World War II bomb.  .  .  .  Former
Cardinals outfielder  Curt Ford,  who is black,  was
punched by a white man  at a gasoline station in St.
Louis, Missouri, and told to "go back to Ferguson."
. . . One of three robbers of a business in North Man-
kato, Minnesota, butt-dialed 911 (they were arrested).
. . . Police in West Jakarta, Indonesia, torched 3 tons
of marijuana, getting witnesses and residents high. . . .
Siobhan O'Dell, 17, whose application for admission
to Duke University was rejected, sent a letter of rejec-
tion of the rejection to Duke,  via Tumblr  ("See you
in the fall," she said).
                                    [courtesy Harper's, Snopes, AP]

Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Earlene Henry, BF, 50, 5'2", 150 lbs, burglary, parole violation, $500 reward for information leading to rearrest (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

After 20 years overseas with the military,  my husband

and I are being sent home. This means his family mem-
bers will be close by.

I can't stand his family. They are rude, arrogant know-
it-alls.  My husband assures me it will be fine,  and  he
is excited to see these people.  I  say  a  leopard  never
changes  its  spots.  These people barely tolerated me
when I first met them. Please advise me what to do.

                                                   Not a Spotted Leopard

The National Hockey League's Ottawa Senators asked
their fans to quit throwing hamburgers  onto  the  ice
(it's a tribute to their star Andrew "The Hamburglar"
Hammond). . . .

IS (ISIS, ISIL) decreed 80 lashes for anyone watching
the Real Madrid - Barcelona soccer match. . . .

The NCAA Final Four basketball tournament was not
on TV. . . .

Ugly white boys' mothers: Mrs. Frank Kaminksy II, mother of Frank III, University of Wisconsin basketball star (the former Mary Stack, who played volleyball for Northwestern)