January 25, 2015:  Things you would never know if you
did not browse the  tabloids  while waiting for your wife
at the counter in the supermarket – this week's headlines
:


Bill caught in teen sex ring, 17-year-old tells all "He's a sleaze bag!', Hillary's presidential bid in ruins (Enquirer); Miley pregnant and DUMPED (Life & Style); Bruce's story: My life as a woman (In Touch); Kirstie Alley drops 50 lbs., and finds new love, new man revealed (Enquirer)
Bill caught in teen sex ring, 17-year-old tells all "He's a sleaze bag!', Hillary's presidential bid in ruins (Enquirer); Miley pregnant and DUMPED (Life & Style); Bruce's story: My life as a woman (In Touch); Kirstie Alley drops 50 lbs., and finds new love, new man revealed (Enquirer)


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 1/18/15 @21:27 PST:
One wonders what "obvious signs" of distress they expect to
see in a man being executed in Oklahoma.  But death itself is
not  a sign of distress;  it's  a  release  from suffering,  as  one
seeking assisted suicide because of an excruciating terminal
condition might testify.

Publius Leget wrote Sun 1/18/15 @09:30 CST:
Sir:  Why are headlines "courtesy" some paper or other but
the wanted hotties in Lexington are always "pulled kicking
and screaming from the Herald-Leader"?
The Lexington Herald-Leader thinks it's the New York Times.  You'll
get  maybe  five  "free"  articles  a month from them,  and  then  they
want you to pay for further views.   It's really a pain some weeks to
get  "Lexington's most wanted,"  which,  although  provided  by  the
Fayette County Sheriff, appear in no other publication.  We have va-
rious  ways  to  get  them – for example, once our roving reporter e-
mailed mug shots to us that he had downloaded for free on his own
computer – but it's a hassle.    – Editor

Roots and grafts:
Why do we say "antebellum" but "pre-war"?  Both prefixes are Latin
(as is "bellum").

Dumb news from Indiana
:
A proposal in the South Bend city council  would  replace
Columbus Day with "Indigenous Peoples Day" the second
Monday of October (following the example set in Berkeley,
California, in 1992, and followed last year in Seattle, Wash-
ington, and Minneapolis, Minnesota). . . .

A former teacher of German  at Northridge High School in
Elkhart County sued the school district  saying he was fired
for refusing to pray with the faculty. . . .

A bill was filed in the state Senate to allow the teaching of
"creationism" (the legislature is in session). . . .

Indianapolis firemen rescued three dogs from frozen ponds.

                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]
Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Stephen James Mims, WM, breaking and entering a motor vehicle to steal property (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Stephen James Mims, WM, breaking and entering a motor vehicle to steal property (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky
:

Grayson County's "Bonnie and Clyde" (Cheyenne Phillips and
Dalton Hayes) were found sleeping in a stolen truck in Panama
City Beach, Florida.
                                                                           
[courtesy ABC]

And, Li'l Cheyenne said she was pregnant.
                                                                            [courtesy CBS]
And had a miscarriage.
                                                                          [courtesy WJHG]

Senator Mitch McConnell's wife,  Elaine Chao,  resigned from
the board of Bloomberg Philanthropies upon  learning that it
planned to increase investment in its "Beyond Coal" initiative.

Lexington's most wanted: Felisha Vanderpool, WF, 38,
Lexington's most wanted: Felisha Vanderpool, WF, 38, 5'6", 175 lbs; Deanna Brown, WF, 39, 5'4", 160 lbs (Herald Leader)

Quotations of the week
:
"Incest has been around as long as humans have.  Everybody just needs to
 deal with it."
                            – an 18-year-old woman engaged to her father

"This is our answer to Hitler."
                                                            – Holocaust survivor Michael Mittwoch, celebra-
                                                               ting the birth of his 100th great-grandchild

"Apparently the Curse of the Pharaohs is real:  Anyone who visits
 will be bored to death."
                                                    – Kris Kendall, 15, of San Diego, California, knocking the King Tut
                                                       presentation at the local Natural History Museum (#TUTSUX)


Quotation of the weak (give a numbnock a microphone, and he'll speak into it . . . ):
"In Britain it’s not just no-go zones, there are actual cities like Birmingham that are
 totally Muslim where non-Muslims just simply don’t go in."

                                                                    – terrorism "expert" Steven Emerson on Fox News

Quotations of the Wheat:
"That's worse than communist – it's capitalist."
– Leonard Simon


Quotations of our other acquaintances:
"I know in reason."
                                    – John A. Durbin


Birthdays:

                    John Bouvier Kennedy Schlossberg, 22
                    Emma Lee "Baby Spice" Bunton, 49
                    Hakeem Olajuwon, 52
                    Sharon Tate (1943-1969)
                    Jack Nicklaus, 75
                    Ray Stevens, 76
                    Gen. Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson (1824-1863)

Deaths:
                    King Abdullah, 90
                    Ernie Banks, 83
                    Gregory "Greg" Balmer, 59
                    Andrew "Drew" Blackwell, 81
                    Beatrice "Bea" Bradshaw, 80
                    Elbert L. "Brownie" Brown, 88
                    Kurt "Kurkie" Byrd, 59
                    Kenneth "Kenny" Cox, 68
                    Joan "Joanie" Dockter, 79
                    Norman "Norm" Elliott, 82
                    Richard "Ricky" Ferree Jr., 40
                    Geraldine "Gerry" Perkins, 72
                    Douglas "Doug" Wadlington, 70
                    Jason "Jay" Young, 89
                    Reable Lee Branham Smallwood, 86
                                                                                                [Louisville Courier-Journal]
 
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Statisticians determined that the five most common first
names  of  cab  drivers  in New York City are,  in  order,
MD,  Mohammad,  Mohammed,  Muhammad  and Mo-
hamed. . . .Taylor Swift sent a check for $1,989 to a girl
who had complained about the high cost of eduction. . . .
A homeless man charging his cell phone in a public pic-
nic shelter was arrested for theft of utilities  in  Sarasota,
Florida. . . . A  woman  handcuffed  for  shoplifting  and
left in the back seat of a police car  in  Alquippa,  Penn-
sylvania,  climbed into the front seat and took off. . . . A
man looking for his wallet in a trash bin was scooped up
by a garbage truck and taken to the city dump in Wood-
land, California (he managed to avoid being compacted).
. . . A Pinellas County Sheriff's office rug in Largo, Flor-
ida,  inscribed "IN DOG WE TRUST" will be auctioned
for the benefit of an animal shelter. . . . A flower girl and
ring bearer 20 years ago walked the aisle again  in  Man-
kato, Minnesota, this time as bride and groom. . . . A po-
liceman videoed napping in his patrol car by  a  Southern
Illinois University student  in Carbondale,  Illinois,  told
the  student  it  was  illegal  "to record a police officer in
public." . . . A fat cop in Dover, Delaware, was recorded
by his own dashcam lip-synching Taylor Swift's "Shake
It Off"  and bopping along to the music. . . . 
An English
teacher
at a middle school in Montgomery County, Ma-
ryland, assigned students
a story to write in which they
had to describe how they would kill her – and the essay
had to include at least three  gerunds,  three  infinitives,
and three participles.

[courtesy Harper's, Snopes,
HuffPost, Raw Story,  AP]
   Wanted in Wichita: Sonja M. May, WF, 32, 5'9", 210 lbs, a/k/a Wendy Cantrell, tattoos both arms, both hands, neck, left wrist, burglary, theft; Darrell Lee Guy, WM, 51, 5'6", 145 lbs, tattoos on left arm, knee, calf, shoulder, chest, abdomen, burglary, theft; Renée Lynne Clarke, WF, 27, 5'6", 180 lbs, tattoos on abdomen, right hip, forgery and unlawful use of firewater (Wichita Eagle)
Wanted in Wichita: Sonja M. May, WF, 32, 5'9", 210 lbs, a/k/a Wendy Cantrell, tattoos both arms, both hands, neck, left wrist, burglary, theft; Darrell Lee Guy, WM, 51, 5'6", 145 lbs, tattoos on left arm, knee, calf, shoulder, chest, abdomen, burglary, theft; Renée Lynne Clarke, WF, 27, 5'6", 180 lbs, tattoos on abdomen, right hip, forgery and unlawful use of firewater (Wichita Eagle)

The sports:
The New England Patriots were found to have used under-
inflated balls
in their 41-8  American  Football  Conference
championship victory over the Indianapolis Colts. "What's
the  big  deal?"  our  little  chippie  asked.  "Both teams use
the same ball,  don't they?"

"Well,  no,"  said  our  sports  editor,  Barry  Wood.   "Each
team uses its own footballs on offense. And not only that,
but they use one type of ball for scrimmage,  another  for
place-kicking,  and  another  for punting."  Gee, we didn't
know that!  That's not football;  it's footballs.  Profession-
al football is rotten to the core. And the National Football
League has the nerve to discipline players  like  Ray  Rice
and Adrian Peterson for domestic infractions off the field
having nothing to do with footballs. . . .

Pro golfer Brooke Pancake signed an endorsement deal
with Waffle House.
Roots and grafts:
And,  as it could not seem to get yet any worse,  the  Asso-
ciated Press, without explanation, has begun spelling Fox-
boro, Massachusetts, home of the Patriots,  "Foxborough."
The town of 16,865, with a stadium seating 68,756, is Fox-
borough in the town hall  and  Wikipedia  but  Foxboro  in
the  United States  Post  Office,  on  the  Weather  Channel,
ESPN and Fox News and in most atlases.  The footballs fa-
cility, known as Gillette Stadium,  replaced  "Foxboro" Sta-
dium in 2002. There are Foxboros in Wisconsin and Onta-
rio, but no other Foxboroughs of note. "Foxborough" gets
a squiggly red underline in Microsoft Word but "Foxboro"
does not.  Both get squiggly red lines in WordPerfect and
Thunderbird e-mail.

The movies:  Tomato

           


Dear Eleanor:                  
I have tenants who are behind in their rent.   I've  let
them slide because I've been preoccupied with some
personal problems;  but my problems have  been  re-
solved,  and now I'd like the back rental.   Under  the
terms of the lease I could evict them right away,  and
I am tempted; but I worry that that might leave them
out in the cold. . . .
                                                                                    Landlady
Dear Lady:
                          Honey, you're in the wrong biz.


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "anonymous @d147lserver4u.cz"
        titled "Betty Borock Suck it and see."


People who invited us to be their "friends" on Clutterbook Facebook in the last week included

Truletta Phillips

Add Friend

DISCUSSION GROUP:


      Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Joko Widodo.



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"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" –
Karen Crockett


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Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 18, 2015:  Things you would never know if you
did not browse the tabloids  while  waiting for your wife
at the counter in the supermarket – this week's headlines
:

60 Minutes host Steve Kroft caught cheating on his wife (Enquirer); George H. W. Bush deathbed confessions: Spied on Ronald Reagan, the son who broke his heart (Globe)
60 Minutes host Steve Kroft caught cheating on his wife (Enquirer); George H. W. Bush deathbed confessions: Spied on Ronald Reagan, the son who broke his heart (Globe)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Keith Durbin wrote Mon 1/12/15 @12:14 CST:
Two editorial employees of Hardin County's News-Enterprise
told the local sheriff,  "
Sir,  we  know  you;  we know you good.
What we quoted you as saying is exactly what you would have
said if you had said it. 
It  wasn't  as  if  we  put  words  in your
mouth;  it was more like taking words out 
of your mouth."

           Wanted in Wichita . . . (catching up .      . . ) Kimberly Renee Simmons, WF, 22, 5'6", 135 lbs, tat on neck, aggravated battery; Shon Jesus Padilla, WM, 39, 5'4", 160 lbs, tattoos on both hands, left shoulder, scar left hand, possession of firewater; Polly S. Carr, WF, 41, 5'4", 180 lbs, a/k/a Polly Suzette Carr, Polly Grossnickle, Polly Smith, Polly Rooke, tattoo on right thigh, scars left leg, abdomen, one tough cookie
Wanted in Wichita . . . (catching up .      . . ) Kimberly Renee Simmons, WF, 22, 5'6", 135 lbs, tat on neck, aggravated battery; Shon Jesus Padilla, WM, 39, 5'4", 160 lbs, tattoos on both hands, left shoulder, scar left hand, possession of firewater; Polly S. Carr, WF, 41, 5'4", 180 lbs, a/k/a Polly Suzette Carr, Polly Grossnickle, Polly Smith, Polly Rooke, tattoo on right thigh, scars left leg, abdomen, one tough cookie

Ladonna A. Barfell, BF, 23, 5'3", 124 lbs, theft; Ronald R. Dial, WM, 57, 5'10", 196 lbs, a/k/a Ronnie R. Oles, Brian L. Maskind, tattoos both arms, right shoulder, theft; Tara C. Kisarika, WF, 32, 5'8", 190 lbs, a/k/a Tara Nole, theft; Terry L. Smith, BM, 48, 5'9", 245 lbs, a/k/a Curtis Smith, tattoos on left arm and hand, chest, missing left finger, sexual battery; Michelle R. Chebultz, WF, 21, 5'1", 165 lbs, a/k/a Michelle Collins, tattoos both forearms, robbery, probation violation
Ladonna A. Barfell, BF, 23, 5'3", 124 lbs, theft; Ronald R. Dial, WM, 57, 5'10", 196 lbs, a/k/a Ronnie R. Oles, Brian L. Maskind, tattoos both arms, right shoulder, theft; Tara C. Kisarika, WF, 32, 5'8", 190 lbs, a/k/a Tara Nole, theft; Terry L. Smith, BM, 48, 5'9", 245 lbs, a/k/a Curtis Smith, tattoos on left arm and hand, chest, missing left finger, sexual battery; Michelle R. Chebultz, WF, 21, 5'1", 165 lbs, a/k/a Michelle Collins, tattoos both forearms, robbery, probation violation
        Kyle A. Cash, WM, 19, 5'6", 130 lbs, receiving stolen property; Christina M. Schulte, WF, 28, 5'2", 148 lbs, child abuse (but look, she is a child, so, shouldn't that be called bullying?); Thomas A. McClellan, WM, 27, 5'9", 180 lbs, tattoos on right leg, left hand, chest, dealing dope; Shelly Joleen Olney-Adams, WF, 43, 5'6", 210 lbs, a/k/a Sheli Adams, Sheli Coons, theft; William N. Thornburgh, WM, 55, 5'11", 150 lbs, criminal restraint, aggravated battery
Kyle A. Cash, WM, 19, 5'6", 130 lbs, receiving stolen property; Christina M. Schulte, WF, 28, 5'2", 148 lbs, child abuse (but look, she is a child, so, shouldn't that be called bullying?); Thomas A. McClellan, WM, 27, 5'9", 180 lbs, tattoos on right leg, left hand, chest, dealing dope; Shelly Joleen Olney-Adams, WF, 43, 5'6", 210 lbs, a/k/a Sheli Adams, Sheli Coons, theft; William N. Thornburgh, WM, 55, 5'11", 150 lbs, criminal restraint, aggravated battery
             Cressie R. Thome, WF, 27, 5'8", 140 lbs, eyes hazel, theft; Sherry L. Taylor, WF, 57, 5'2", 108 lbs, a/k/a Nicki Cornell, Sherry Davis, tattoos lower lip, left foot, burglary; Karen S. Owens, BF, 50, 4'11:, 140 lbs, a/k/a Karen Porter, Karen Roundtree, scars on neck and chest, theft, possession of drug paraphernalia; Jesscka [sic] L. Duff, WF, 32, 5'9", 200 lbs, a/k/a Jesscka Speer, Jesscka Miller, tattoos on right arm, lower back, neck, possession of firewater (Wichita Eagle)
Cressie R. Thome, WF, 27, 5'8", 140 lbs, eyes hazel, theft; Sherry L. Taylor, WF, 57, 5'2", 108 lbs, a/k/a Nicki Cornell, Sherry Davis, tattoos lower lip, left foot, burglary; Karen S. Owens, BF, 50, 4'11:, 140 lbs, a/k/a Karen Porter, Karen Roundtree, scars on neck and chest, theft, possession of drug paraphernalia; Jesscka [sic] L. Duff, WF, 32, 5'9", 200 lbs, a/k/a Jesscka Speer, Jesscka Miller, tattoos on right arm, lower back, neck, possession of firewater (Wichita Eagle)



Yellow journalism query:
In all the television, newspaper and magazine coverage of the two
climbers' conquest of the 3,000-foot vertical Dawn Wall 
of the El
Capitan rock
in Yosemite National Park, where is it told how they
ate, drank, pissed and shit during their
19-day ascent, with family,
friends and the rest of the world watching?  (Here's a hint  –  a re-
port mentioning that they slept in tents "tacked" to the wall.)

"There's an app for that!"
The "neard app," provided by the Indianapolis Star, allows you to
nerd-selfie  with one of  those  weird  ear-to-ear  beards  beneath
the chin, popular among white National Football League quarter-
backs including the Indianapolis Colts' Andrew Luck  and the De-
troit Lions' Matthew Stafford  (the Green Bay Packers'  "discount
double-check" Aaron Rodgers  has  one,  too,  but he's a little less
ugly than the others,  with more mustache and "soul patch" to go
with it).  Here – take a look at these neardos:
   Luck, Stafford, Rodgers, our roving reporter using the "app"
Luck, Stafford, Rodgers, our roving reporter using the "app"

More dumb news from Indiana
:
             Nikki Colleen Murphy-Johnson, 34, 5'1", 110 lbs, and her boy friend, Jason Johnson, 37, were arrested on three counts of bestiality in Anderson after posting videos on line of Nikki getting it on with their pet pit pull, "Lucky" (Jay Cory, Huffington Post)
Nikki Colleen Murphy-Johnson, 34, 5'1", 110 lbs, and her boy friend, Jason Johnson, 37, were arrested on three counts of bestiality in Anderson after posting videos on line of Nikki getting it on with their pet pit pull, "Lucky" (Jay Cory, Huffington Post)
            (Here's a link to the police report.  And here's a link to Beast-
             forum.com, where the video was posted.)
The  Lake  County  Sheriff  withheld a book about the Chicago
White Sox
  from  an  inmate  accused  of killing seven women.
"Does he think I run a newsstand?" the Sheriff asked. . . .

A bill was introduced in the state Senate to make decapitation a

capital offense.  Another bill  would prohibit abortion if the pur-
pose is to prevent the birth of a child of a certain sex or with ge-
netic disability.  (The legislature is in session  –  maybe you no-
ticed).
                                                      [courtesy Columbus Republic]
 South Bend's most wanted: Gwendolyn Dotson, BF, 5'3", 180 lbs, counterfeiting, forgery; Kenny "Chips" Sanders, WM, felony firearms; Debbie Allen, BF, false felony report (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
South Bend's most wanted: Gwendolyn Dotson, BF, 5'3", 180 lbs, counterfeiting, forgery; Kenny "Chips" Sanders, WM, felony firearms; Debbie Allen, BF, false felony report (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky
:

                     A "dangerous" 13-year-old Grayson County girl - Cheyenne Phillips, blonde, 5'1", 100 lbs. - and her 18-year-old boy friend, armed and wanted in auto thefts and other felonies, were spotted in South Carolina (Lexington Herald-Leader)
A "dangerous" 13-year-old Grayson County girl - Cheyenne Phillips, blonde, 5'1", 100 lbs. - and her 18-year-old boy friend, armed and wanted in auto thefts and other felonies, were spotted in South Carolina (Lexington Herald-Leader)
Lexington's most wanted: Kayla Foster, WF, 27, 5'8" 135 lbs; Robert McMurray II, WM, 35, 6'0", 150 lbs; Calina Wagie, WF, 28, 5'4", 200 lbs (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Lexington's most wanted: Kayla Foster, WF, 27, 5'8" 135 lbs; Robert McMurray II, WM, 35, 6'0", 150 lbs; Calina Wagie, WF, 28, 5'4", 200 lbs (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
A 69-year-old man walking along a highway  in  Lincoln  County
was struck and killed by a policeman driving his cruiser to work.

                                                                                                [Herald-Leader]

A 29-year-old woman in Winchester was charged with attempted
murder and tampering with evidence after she gave birth and put
her baby in a plastic bag.
                                                                                                [courtesy WKYT]

A drunk off-duty detective who pulled over another motorist and
shot him in the leg was  on   trial  in  Louisville  (but was acquitted
of the most serious charge).
                                                                              [courtesy Courier-Journal]

Quotation of the week:
"I'm playing the rice card."
                                                          – Margaret Cho, defending her portrayal of "Gen.
                                                             Cho Yung-ja" at the Golden Globe awards

Quotation of the weak (give a redneck a billboard, and . . . ):

" 'Diversity' means chasing down the last white person
  #white genocide."
                                              – billboard in Springville, Alabama

Quotations of the Wheat:
"For God's sake, the love of Pete and all things holy . . . ."
– Leonard Simon


Quotations of our other acquaintances:
"Every day is a gift – that's why it's called the present."
                                                                                                Ann Martha Duvall


Birthdays:

                    Michelle Obama, 51
                    Iris DeMent, 54
                    María del Rosario Mercedes Pilar Martínez Molina Baeza ("Charo"), 64
                    Nina Totenberg, 71
                    Muhammad Ali, 73
                    Bernardine Dohrn, 73
                    Bobby Goldsboro, 74
                    Julian Bond, 75

"Rockers":
                        Liz Anderson (1927-2011)

Deaths:
                    Anita Ekberg, 83
                    Leslie "Les" Bierman, 84
                    John A. "Johnny" Bradshaw III, 73
                    Patricia "Pat" Brockman, 70
                    Woodrow "Woodie" Campbell, 69
                    Gerald "Jerry" Cooper, 73
                    Henry "Hank" Cozee, 79
                    Benjamin "Ben" Horvay, 95
                    Elizabeth "Liz" Phelps, 87
                    Edwin "Ed" Schultz, 83
                    David "Dave" Van Dyke, 85
                    Charles "Chuck" Williams, 74
                    Ronald "Ronnie" Young, 76
                    Chassity Chyaenne Quiney, 22
                                                                                    [Louisville Courier-Journal]
 
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A 5½-foot boa constrictor popped out of a toilet  in  an
office building restroom in San Diego,  California. . . .
An Englishman was arrested for bottling  his  piss  and
selling it for whisky. . . . Twenty-three persons died of
bad liquor in India. . . . Sixty-nine died in Mozambique
from drinking homemade beer made of  crocodile  bile.
.  .  . Vladimir Putin said he was not invited to Poland's
Auschwitz liberation anniversary ceremony. .  .  .  Eric
Holder was in Paris  but  didn't  march. . . .
A Swedish
TV station persuaded YouTube to drop  an  "adult"  re-
striction on a video featuring
  cartoon penises and va-
ginas
bopping along to a song,  "Snoppen  och  snip-
pan." . . .  A Saudi cleric issued a fatwa against snow-
men. .  .  . Strap-hangers  in  53  cities  observed  the
14th annual No Pants Subway Ride. . . .  A bicycle ri-
der dropped trou, danced, and waggled his wong in
a crosswalk in Fort Myers, Florida. . . . Transgenders
will not be eligible for drivers' licenses in Russia.  . . .
Eight inmates and two guards were killed when a Tex-
as prison bus
skidded off an icy overpass,  slid down
a bank and landed on a  moving  train  near Odessa.
. . . In Oklahoma's latest execution the inmate show-
ed no obvious signs of distress besides death.
[courtesy Harper's, Snopes, HuffPost, Raw Story, NBC.com, AP]


The sports:
The Ohio State University Buckeyes were determined to
be the 33rd best football team in the United States in the
first college bowl tournament.

Dear Eleanor:                  
My mother is 95 years old and in OK shape.  She has
been  diagnosed  with  dementia,  and her physician
recommends a full-time care giver because  Mom  is
confused most of the time.  She still lives in her own
home,  and  my  brother and sister and I take care of
her.

Mom refuses to go to a nursing home, and we cannot
force her.  Our lives are in turmoil.

Mom's pacemaker is due for replacement. . . . .
                                                                                               Sis
Dear Sis:
                        You can stop there; I get the drift.  Just put it to
                        a family vote  (but don't give Mom a ballot; she
                        is incompetent, after all).

                        Funny way to spell OK, by the way.


The movies:  At War with Technology

           


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Nollie Adderly"
        titled "Boreas hey baby! builder."


People who invited us to be their "friends" on Clutterbook Facebook in the last week included

Cicip Sephia

Add Friend

DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Alix Spiegel.



HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above – without quotation marks, and without
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"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" –
Karen Crockett


Previous issue

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Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 11, 2015:  Things you would never know if you
did not browse the tabloids  while waiting for your wife
at  the counter in the supermarket – this week's headlines
:


Toe licker, Prince Andrew's teen sex slave tells all (Enquirer); Day-old Congress most hated ever (Borowitz Report)
Toe licker, Prince Andrew's teen sex slave tells all (Enquirer); Day-old Congress most hated ever (Borowitz Report)

The business section, Funky Winkerbean, Price check at register 2, it's a dollar store
The business section, Funky Winkerbean, Price check at register 2, it's a dollar store

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Henry Velenosi wrote Sun 1/4/15 @07:50 PST:
Last  week's  "Roots and grafts"  entry on the difference be-
tween "hanged" and "hung" reminded me of the plastic sur-
geon who hung himself.
Bruce Mitchell wrote Tues 1/7/15 @13:04 PST:
Wallace Warfield Simpson was not only the last Duchess of
Windsor
;  she was  the  first  and  only  Duchess of Windsor.
Hers and her royal husband's were  specially  created  titles,
without heredity or estates.

She was known also as the Queen of Fellatio.

Tony Dean wrote Sun 1/4/15 @10:23 a.m. (or didn't):
For two weeks in a row you have quoted me from letters I
did not write. What gives you what you think is your right
to do this?
Sir, we know you;  we know you good.*  What we quoted you as say-
ing is exactly what you would have said if you had said it.   It  wasn't
as if we put words in your mouth; it was more like taking words out
of your mouth.
                                   – your brother the Editor

* "I Know You Good" is the title of a short story by William Saroyan.

Roots and grafts:
Nolan Porterfield wrote Sun 1/4/15 @17:01 CST:
The New Yorker insists on  "e-mail."   The  Associated  Press  uses
"email," and hence it appears that way in AP newspapers.    Mixed
results in other publications, private letters, business signs, graffi-
ti.   Apparently even people who use it alternate between "e-mail"
and "email,"  sometimes in the same message,  sometimes even in
the same sentence. What's an orphan child to do?  Piss on it.  And
save a keystroke with "email."  Time is money.

Jury is out on "O.K." / "OK" / "okay."   One authority:
o·kay  (-k) n., adj., adv. & v.  Variant of OK
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language,
4th edition, ©2000 Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated 2009.
Next up:  Is it "grey," or "gray"?

Dumb news from Indiana:
A bill was filed in the state Senate  to  allow  small  businesses
including bakeries, caterers, florists and wedding chapels  to
refuse service to gay couples. . . .

Gays were coming from Ohio to Indiana to get married. . . .

small businesses, including bakeries, caterers, florists, and wedding chapels, to refuse services to gay couples

From: http://www.therepublic.com/view/story/979f334edae94151982f8bee19f2b332/IN--Religious-Beliefs-Discrimination
Paramedics in four northeastern counties have taken to making
phone calls and house calls to relieve  repeated 911 calls  from
the same locations.
                                                    [courtesy Columbus Republic]


Dumb news from Kentucky
:
Two editorial employees of Hardin County's News-Enterprise
were fired for manipulating a quotation of the local sheriff in-
to saying that most people going into law enforcement  do  so
out of a "desire to shoot minorities." . . .

An Anderson County woman was sentenced to five years in pris-
on for tying her 3-year-old daughter to her bed at night (the same
thing happened to a 6-year-old girl in Bangor, Maine – and a man
tossed his 5-year-old daughter off a bridge, to her death, in St. Pe-
tersburg, Florida).
                                                     [courtesy Lex18, WOOD8, CNN]

A bill to allow telephone companies to abandon land lines in rur-
al areas was given a good chance of passage in this year's Gener-
al Assembly. . . .

State  Senator  Whitley Westerfield of Hopkinsville,  a candidate
for state attorney general,  introduced a bill to allow state legisla-
tors,  like police and judges,  to carry concealed guns  in  schools,
courthouses and other government buildings.   This might appro-
priately be called  the  "Steve  Nunn  bill,"  after the state senator
who got a bill passed imposing the death penalty for murder of a
domestic violence victim, then copped a plea for life after he shot
dead his ex-fiancée,  who had obtained a domestic violence order
against him.  Or it might be called  the  Leslie  Combs  bill,  after
the state representative who accidentally fired her handgun in the
State  Capitol  Annex  a year to the day before  Westerfield's  bill
was introduced. . . .

Forty-one of Kentucky's 120 counties – more than one-third – do
not have jails; yet all have jailers.  Jails have been closed, admin-
istratively and judicially, for not having sill-to-lintel bars, saunas
and other amenities. "Jailer,"  however,  is a constitutional office
and cannot be so  easily  eliminated.  That would take a constitu-
tional amendment passed by two-thirds of each house of the leg-
islature and ratification by the people in a referendum.  The con-
stitution does provide that the offices of jailer and sheriff can be
consolidated, by statute,  in any county;  but that is unlikely in a
legislature that
must kowtow to local politics  and cannot even a-
gree on a budget. 
Most jailless jailers serve,  on  minimum  sala-
ries, as "transportation officers," shuttling prisoners between their
courts and other counties' jails, doing what can be done as well by
sheriffs' deputies and other police.  Many of these jailers have oth-
er full-time jobs, and some of them simply do nothing.
  Once there
was  a  statute  that  made jailers in counties of fewer than 75,000
people  (that's all but a handful)  custodians ("superintendent") of
the county courthouses,  but that was amended  37  years  ago  (a-
bout the time the  jail  closings  began)  to  provide  that  a county
"may" employ the jailer as such – at additional salary.


                                           
[courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]


Quotation of the week
:
"People who think they know it all really annoy those of us who do." 
                                                                                                                                         – B Woods

Quotations of the weak (give a newscasters and politicians microphones, and they'll speak into them . . . ):
"It's January 8th:  This would've been the birthday of Elvis Presley."

                                 – Renée Montagne, Morning Edition, National Public Radio; ditto, the
                                   
Lexington Herald-Leader  (Oh?  He wasn't born?  It would've been
                                    the birthday of Jesse Garon Presley,  Elvis' stillborn twin brother)
                                           
"Put simply, what I'd like to do is to see the first two years of community college free
  for everybody who's willing to work for it."
                                                                                            – President Obama

"We recognize the enormity of the task before us."
                                                                                                     – Senator Mitch McConnell
    Roots and grafts:
                                        "Enormity" does not mean "enormousness" or "something enormous";
                                          it  means  "something   outrageous,"  like last week's assassinations at
                                          the French newspaper Charlie Hebdo.   Or maybe  –  just maybe  –  the
                                          new Senate majority leader knew what he was saying.

Quotations of the Wheat:
"He who stirs the shit will lick the spoon."
– Leonard Simon

Quotations of our other acquaintances:
"Too much is more than enough."
                                                            – John M. Greer

January 8 birthdays:
Kim Jong-un, 32 (or 31, or 33)
Calvin Smith, 54
Bruce Sutter, 62
David Bowie, 68
Robby Krieger, 69
Yvette Mimieux, 73
Stephen Hawking, 73
Jerome "Little Anthony" Gourdine, 74
Freb Cood, 76
Shirley Bassey, 78
Elvis, 80
Soupy Sales (1926-2009)
Evelyn Wood (1909-1995)
Georgy Malenkov (1902-1988)
Prince Albert (1864-1892)
Other birthdays in the last week:
Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, 32
Brent Smith, 36
Chris H. E. Smith, 36
Steve Smith, 44
Mary J. Bilge, 44
Lew Holtz, 78
Wilbur Smith, 82
Walter Mondale, 87
John Maynard Smith (1920-2004)
Simon Harcourt Nowell-Smith (1909-1996)
Geronimo Baqueiro Foster (1898-1967)
Gen. Alfred Eugene "Mudwall" Jackson (1807-1889)
Jedediah Smith (1799-1831)
John Smith (1580-1631)
"Rockers":
                    Domenico Modugno (1928-1994)

Deaths:
                Edward Brooke, 95
                Bess Myerson, 90
                Donita "Doni" Case, 83
                Bernard "Bernie" Kleinhenz, 79
                Beverly "Bev" Moody, 82
                Lawrence "Larry" Remmetter, 65
                Dora Ellen "Do Do" Scroggins, 63
                                                                                [the Courier-Journal]

Wanted in Wichita: Ryan J. Mclain, WM, 20, 6'0", 145 lbs, possession; Corey L. Jackson, BM, 39, 5'2", 150 lbs, taking indecent liberties with child; Charles D. Mosher Jr., WM, 41, 6'0", 421 lbs, scars on abdomen, left arm, left wrist, left ankle, left hand, credit card theft (Wichita Eagle)
Wanted in Wichita: Ryan J. Mclain, WM, 20, 6'0", 145 lbs, possession; Corey L. Jackson, BM, 39, 5'2", 150 lbs, taking indecent liberties with child; Charles D. Mosher Jr., WM, 41, 6'0", 421 lbs, scars on abdomen, left arm, left wrist, left ankle, left hand, credit card theft (Wichita Eagle)


      Gina M. Sprayberry, WF, 34, 5'9", 120 lbs, tattoos on right foot, left ankle, left wrist, neck, identity theft; Decemantrea N. Richardson, BF, 23, 5'3", 125 lbs, tattoos on back, right shoulder, scar on face, possession, firewater; Lauren R. Shonkwiler, WF, 28, 5'4", 140 lbs, a/k/a Lauren Rogers, Lauren Minor, Paula Bailey, tattoos on hip, both calves, right leg, possession, firewater
Gina M. Sprayberry, WF, 34, 5'9", 120 lbs, tattoos on right foot, left ankle, left wrist, neck, identity theft; Decemantrea N. Richardson, BF, 23, 5'3", 125 lbs, tattoos on back, right shoulder, scar on face, possession, firewater; Lauren R. Shonkwiler, WF, 28, 5'4", 140 lbs, a/k/a Lauren Rogers, Lauren Minor, Paula Bailey, tattoos on hip, both calves, right leg, possession, firewater
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Miami dropped a 35-foot orange, Atlanta dropped an
800-pound peach, and Flagstaff dropped a 6-foot pine
cone to welcome in the New Year. .  .  . Possum  stew
was dropped  in  Brasstown,  North  Carolina,  where
PETA got an injunction  against the tradition of lower-
ing a  live  possum  in a tinseled plastic box. . . . Nine
Japanese  choked  to  death  on 
New Year’s rice-cake
mochi. . . . Thirty-six  people  were  killed  in  a  New
Year's  Eve  stampede  in  Shanghai  triggered by play
money thrown out a window. . . . A Chinaman went to
prison for eating tigers. . . .An Iowa woman was char-
ged with harassment for mailing  manure  to neighbors
by  poopsenders.com.  . . . 
Molly  B,  the cow who es-
caped a slaughterhouse in Great Falls, Montana, nine
years ago, found a new home in Helena Valley. . . . An
English farmer offed half his herd of cattle  descend-
ed from a special Nazi breed for being too aggressive.
. . . Eighteen vehicles piled up on I-80 in Pennsylvani-
a, killing three persons. . . . Only one person died in a
193-vehicle pileup, including 75 semitrailers, on I-94
in Michigan. . . . Procul Harum Boko Haram took over
another town in Nigeria leaving 2,000 corpses among
its 10,000 people. . . . Minnesota threatened to secede
from the Midwest.
                                    [courtesy Harper's,
HuffPost, AP]

The sports:
The Atlantic Coast Conference fired college basketball referee Karl
Hess for telling a former Wake Forest trustee,  Mit  Shah,  during  a
game against the University of Louisville,  "When I'm older  I want
to sit in your seat and watch your  Egyptian  ass  ref a game."  Shah
actually is a New Jersey native of Indian descent, but there was an
Egyptian player on the Louisville team, Anas Mahmoud. . . .

National Football League rivals: Just as Cam Newton (right), quarterback of the Carolina Panthers, is no threat to Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning in the annual "Penis with Ears" lookalike contest, Manning (left) is no threat to Newton in professional sports' yearly "upside down ears" competition
National Football League rivals: Just as Cam Newton (right), quarterback of the Carolina Panthers, is no threat to Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning in the annual "Penis with Ears" lookalike contest, Manning (left) is no threat to Newton in professional sports' yearly "upside down ears" competition
Dear Eleanor:
My sweetheart and I just rekindled a long-ago attract-
ion.    "Bob" and I both have been single and celibate
for more than 12 years.    It's a long distance relation-
ship; so our visits are fun, but they're increasingly in-
tense.  I'm 63;  he's 68,  and we are both youthful de-
spite the years.

But  Bob  has  erectile  dysfunction  issues.  I try not to
pressure him, but our makeout sessions arouse me –and
then they don't go any further.   Bob feels we should let
nature take its course, meaning sex will happen when it
happens; but at our age I know things can be more com-
plicated.  I love him, and I know he loves me;  but I am
sad envisioning a sexless future.  Advice?

                                            Postmenopausal and Still Frisky
Dear Frieda:
                                ED "issues"?  There are pills for these "issues,"
                                you know.  If  Bozob  won't pop for them  and
                                pop  'em,  dump  'im  and  get you a Cherokee
                                chief.


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Tammie U. Gimson"
        titled "Hello there hateful entity."


People who invited us to be their "friends" on Clutterbook Facebook in the last week included

Chintya Claloe Luph Kmu II

Add Friend

Dimas Bagus Susandra

Add Friend

DISCUSSION GROUP:


      Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include  Kristin Espeland
Gourlay.



"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next  issue


Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 4, 2015:  Things you would never know if you did
not browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife  at  the
counter in the supermarket – this week's headlines
:


World exclusive, inside Miley Cyrus' drug den, she's one fix from an overdose, friends fear (Enquirer); Rubio vows to block 21st century, 'Not on my watch' says senator from Florida (Borowitz Report)
World exclusive, inside Miley Cyrus' drug den, she's one fix from an overdose, friends fear (Enquirer); Rubio vows to block 21st century, 'Not on my watch' says senator from Florida (Borowitz Report)


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Steve Yates wrote Sun 1/4/15 @ 10:39 CST:
Does the second line on last week's pictured SnorgTees shirt
read, "Chow line begins below?"
Leonard Simon wrote Sun 1/4/15 @ 10:45 CST:
I think it's "Munch for lunch, if you dare."
Tony Dean wrote Sun 1/4/15 @10:55 CST:
"I'm not goin' there."

Actually it says,  "You little rebel,  I like you."

All three of you get free subscriptions.
                                                                   – Editor

Dumb news from Indiana:
A car was stolen from a Citgo station in Indianapolis with
a baby inside when the driver went in to pay for her gaso-
line (the baby was found on the station lot, but police still
were looking for the car).
                                                                [courtesy Fox 59]

A drug dealer in Madison was arrested after he accidentally
texted a policeman to set up a sale. . . .

A man returning a handgun to a store in Clarksville acciden-
tally shot himself  as he was retrieving it from a container in
his car in the parking lot. . . .

A man was killed by one of two pit bulls he kept in his home
in Portage.
                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]


Pulled over near  Whiteland,  a woman told a cop she did not
have her license with her and gave him her birth date and her
twin  sister's  name.  Both  were found to have arrest records,
though;  but only Andrea, the woman stopped,  had  a  tattoo
on her right ankle. . . .

The Queen of the State Fair,  which begins August 7,  will be
crowned today.
                                                    [courtesy Indianapolis Star]
Arrested in Berrien County, Michigan, Darla Renée Cobb, WF, receiving stolen property (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Arrested in Berrien County, Michigan, Darla Renée Cobb, WF, receiving stolen property (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A 7-year-old girl survived a plane crash that killed her parents,  her  sister,
9, and her cousin, 14, in western Kentucky and walked barefoot a quarter-
mile to the nearest home to report the accident.
                                                                                              [courtesy ABC]

Half a dozen convenience stores, all operated by people from India, were
shut down in Somerset for selling goods shoplifted from Kroger and Wal-
Mart (and fenced to the convenience stores by the shoplifters).

                                                                                    [courtesy WKYT-TV]

Lexington's most wanted: Lisa Short, WF, 48, 5'1", 170 lbs, Setting example of why women are called "broads" (Herald-Leader)
Lexington's most wanted: Lisa Short, WF, 48, 5'1", 170 lbs, Setting example of why women are called "broads" (Herald-Leader)

Quotation of the week
:

"You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates
  all the same people you do."
                                                    – Ms. An Thrope

Quotations of the weak
(give a numbnock a microphone, and he'll speak into it . . . ):

"The flight lost contact with Djakarta air traffic controllers an hour before arriving in Singapore."

                                            – Anthony Kuhn, National Public Radio news (uh, er – Air Asia
                                               flight QZ8501 never arrived in Singapore – that's the problem)

    (or give DJ's microphones, and they'll . . . ):
"Keep in mind that since December 22 we've been gaining about an hour of sunlight every day."

             Scott BlankenshipMusic Through the Night,  Minnesota Public Radio  (at that rate
                the entire Northern Hemisphere will be the "Land of the Midnight Sun" by tomorrow)

"Tom-ber" [for "timbre"].  "Iddle" [for "idyl"].
                                                                                 – Andrea Blain, same show (different night)
"Manyum" [for "magnum"].
                                                – Scott Blankenship (different night)

    (or give internet game players a chat line, and  . . . ):
"All niggers should be burnt or hung."
                                                                      – pantsupdontloot (screen name
                                                                         of card player on Pogo.com)

"All niggers are hung, in my experience."
                                                                        – flooziemcdoozie (another screen name, in reply)
    Roots and grafts:
Remember, dear readers, that both the past tense and past participle of "hang," mean-
ing to "execute" or "lynch," is "hanged," not "hung."  "Hung" has another meaning.

Quotations of the Wheat:
"I've done well from my investments in houses and lots –
  whorehouses, and lots of whiskey."
– Leonard Simon


Quotations of our other acquaintances:
"You would lie if the truth sounded better."
                                                                         – John A. Durbin
(spoken to the Wheat, in fact)

New Year's Day birthdays:
                                                J. D. Salinger (1919-2010)
                                                Thomas Rocco Barbella ("Rocky Graziano," 1919-1990)
                                                Hank Greenberg (1911-1986)
                                                Barry Goldwater (1909-1998)
                                                J. Edgar Hoover (1895-1972)
                                                Betsy Ross (1752-1836) *
                                                Anthony Wayne (1745-1796) *
                                                Paul Revere (1735-1818) *

        *  Just as George Washington actually was born February 11  (not February 22),  1732,
            Paul Revere actually was born December 21, 1734,
under the Julian calendar.  Their
            traditional birthdays were adjusted to conform with the  Gregorian  calendar  after it
            was adopted by the English-speaking world in 1752. At that time the Julian calendar
            was 11 days behind,  according to the Gregorians  (and astronomers).  We  have  not
            found sufficient evidence of the "real" birthdays of Anthony Wayne and Betsy Ross
            – whether Mad Anthony actually was born  December 21, 1744,  or  Elizabeth Gris-
            com (Betsy Ross, at birth) actually was born December 21, 1751.  Biographers, his-
            torians and genealogists out there,  please weigh in.

Other birthdays in the last week:
                                                       
LeBron James, 30
                                                        A. J. Pierzynski, 38
                                                        Eldrick Tont ("Tiger") Woods, 39

Deaths:
                Little Jimmy Dickens, 94
                Mario Cuomo, 82
                Elly May Clampett, 82
               
Daniel "Dan" Broessel, 59
                Geraldine "Geri" Coffman, 89
                Kimberly "Kim" Glass, 46
                Margaret "Peggy" Hill, 82
                Teresa "Terry" Jett, 55
                Nicole "Nikki" Mullins, 35
                Thomasine "Tommie" O'Callaghan, 83
                Pamela "Pam" Palazzo, 61
                Marquita "Keta" Sodrel, 65
                Richard "Dick" Stein, 89
                Roger Dean "Deno" Todd, 50
                Junior "Jim" Johnson, 90
                
                                           [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Police in Brescia, Italy,  seized two chow-chow dogs
from a circus that had dyed their fur  and passed them
off as pandas. .  .  . Baby
Jesus was kidnapped from a
Nativity  scene  in Haverhill,  Massachusetts,  and re-
placed with a pig's head.  . . .  A woman was arrested
in the "free speech zone" of the  Florida  state  capitol
lawn  in  Tallahassee  for ripping up a Satanic Temple
display including an angel falling into a pit of fire. . . .
Michael Jackson was reported alive and posing as his
facial burn victim friend Dave Dave. . . . Mr. and Mrs.
Jack Daniels Leathers of Gray, Louisiana, named their
baby boy Jim Beam Leathers. . . .Jimmy Fallon topped
the Junior League's list of the 25 best-mannered celeb-
rities of the last 25 years  (Carrie Underwood was No.
13,  and Taylor Swift was 25th –Bob Hope and Barba-
ra Bush also made the list).  . . .  A 2-year-old boy in a
shopping cart at a Wal-Mart in Hayden, Idaho,  pulled
his mother's gun from her purse and shot her dead.  . . .
Lindsay Lohan caught the incurable Chikungunya virus
from mosquitoes in French Polynesia. . . . Police shot
a (white) man to death  after he showed no official ID
when turning in a stray animal at a shelter  in  Dothan,
Alabama. . . . . The manufacturer of Play-Doh went in-
to damage control mode over an accessory resembling
a penis.
                      

[courtesy Harper's, Snopes, HuffPost, Raw Story, AP]

The sports:

The Rose Bowl  (college football's "Bowl Championship
Series" game 1) and the Sugar Bowl (BCS game 2) were
not on TV on New Year's Day, and neither will be the fi-
nal ("championship") game a week from tomorrow  (the
"No  Bowl"  –  it will be played at the  Dallas  Cowboys'
Texas AT&T Stadium in Arlington,  but  it  has  no bowl
name). . . .

The University of Georgia "Bulldogs" beat the Universi-
ty of Louisville "Cardinals" 37-14 in  the  "Belk  Bowl"
(wherever, whatever that is; it wasn't on television eith-
er).  The headline on page 1 of the Courier-Journal was
"DOGS POUND," but the headline in the sports section
was "BULL-DOZED" (as the New Yorker says, "Block
that metaphor!").

Ziggy weighs in on the Washington Redskins controversy:

        I can't decide if they're an insult or a tribute

Wanted in Wichita: Christina S. Blair, WF, 37, 5'5", 120 lbs, scar on right leg, forgery, probation violation; Dominic Lawson, BM, 36, 5'10", 165 lbs, tattoos right arm, left shoulder and back, assault on a law enforcement officer; Lindsey Nicole Nightengale, WF, 25, 5'7", 200 lbs, a/k/a Trisha Johnson a/k/a Trisha Ivers, tattoos on both arms, both wrists, neck and right ankle, burglary, theft, eluding or fleeing law enforcement officer (Wichita Eagle)
Wanted in Wichita: Christina S. Blair, WF, 37, 5'5", 120 lbs, scar on right leg, forgery, probation violation; Dominic Lawson, BM, 36, 5'10", 165 lbs, tattoos right arm, left shoulder and back, assault on a law enforcement officer; Lindsey Nicole Nightengale, WF, 25, 5'7", 200 lbs, a/k/a Trisha Johnson a/k/a Trisha Ivers, tattoos on both arms, both wrists, neck and right ankle, burglary, theft, eluding or fleeing law enforcement officer (Wichita Eagle)

Dear Eleanor:
My brother-in-law married "Rose,"  a  divorcee,  a
year ago,  although they'd been living together sev-
eral years.  It was a second marriage for both,  and
each had adult children.  Rose died recently at age
67, and her three sons insisted that her surname on
the death notice,  death certificate and grave mark-
er be their father's, with no acknowledgment of my
brother-in-law  or  his  name.   My  brother-in-law
protested but was bullied and caved in.

The sons then had their father's ashes placed in Ro-
se's coffin  and buried them  together  in a Catholic
grave yard – and their father was Jewish.

Our family is distraught over these unethical,  hor-
rific, selfish events. Can you imagine being buried
with your divorced husband's ashes?  These  were
not her wishes.  Is there any recourse?

                             Hurting for My Brother-in-Law
Dear Hertha:
                           OK, sis, one thing at a time:

                           1.  Rose was your brother-in-law's wife,
                                right?  And  not  your  sister.  So, ap-
                                parently, Rose's widower is your hus-
                                band's brother.  Let's  see:  By stretch
                                of etiquette that makes Rose your sis-
                                ter-in-law,  but,  more precisely,  your
                                sister-in-law-in-law.    Brother-in-law
                                is  remote  enough.  Not  your  family.
                                None of your business.

                           2.  Can I imagine being buried with my
                                ex-husband' s  ashes?    No.   In  the
                                first  place,  I do not have a  former
                                husband.  In the second place I can-
                                not imagine  being  buried;  I'm  not
                                dead.  And in  the  third  place,  my
                                yet- living- non- ex- husband  is not
                                Jewish.

                           3.  Yes, there is recourse.  A death cer-
                                tificate must bear the decedent's le-
                                gal  name.  This is a matter that can
                                be taken up with the state office  of
                                vital  statistics. The obituary can be
                                corrected with a letter to the editor.
                                And the matter of  Jewish  ashes  in
                                a Catholic grave yard might best be
                                reported to the  Pope,  B'nai  B'rith,
                                the  Anti-Defamation  League,  and
                                the  Ku  Klux  Klan.     But  if  your
                                "brother-in-law"  does not have  the
                                backbone to take these steps it's not
                                for you to do. It's none of your busi-
                                ness.


Unopened e-mail last week included a
message from "Test"
        titled "highly cocoon."



People who invited us to be their "friends" on C
lutterbook Facebook in the last week included:
Cassie Monster Ramsey

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Sitia Ryon

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DISCUSSION GROUP:


      Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Emanuele Berry.




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"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett



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