January 26, 2014:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket  –  this week's headlines:

A 12.3-foot semitrailer got stuck in a 12.2-foot underpass in Fort
Wayne.
                                                        [courtesy WANE Channel 15]

Eighteen semitrailers and two trucks sandwiched more than two doz-
en passenger cars in a chain reaction crash on snowy  I-94  near Mi-
chigan City  (3 persons and a dog were killed,  and at least 20 more
persons were injured).  In the meantime three semitrailers jackknifed
on I-65, closing that interstate highway near Lebanon.

                                [courtesy Los Angeles Times and other sources]

Police reported another road rage shooting on I-80 in Gary.

                                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Destiny Hoffman, 34, of Jeffersonsville, served 154 days on a 48-hour sentence as her case fell through the cracks of the courthouse floor (is she pissed?) (Clark County News & Tribune)

The owner of the private Louisville company school bus that blew a
tire and crashed last June injuring 23,  mostly students,  testified in a
deposition that he did not know the bus was riding  on  11-year-old
tires that came from a scrap bin ("Oh, yeah?" asked Jeanetta: "Who
bought the tires,  and put them on the bus?").  The deposition gave
little  comfort,  said one of the plaintiffs in the lawsuit in which the
deposition was taken, the mother of a 16-year-old girl whose back,
elbow, sternum and ankle were broken, and who suffered a concus-
sion and other head wounds that required staples. . . .

State  Senator  John  Schickel,  a Boone County Republican,  drew
howls with a bill to allow the use of  service   monkeys  for the dis-
abled.
                                                   [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Lexington's most wanted: Lernana Mullins, BF, 38, 5'4", 170 lbs

                                [courtesy Herald-Leader]

"The key to overcoming resentment is being able to forget."
                                                                                                   – Evan Selinger,  Professor of
                                                                                                      the Philosophy of Technology

"If somebody is trying to get your goat, you should hide your goat."
                                                                                                                  – Leonard Simon,
                                                                                                                     Son of Sunfish

"I did not know I was pregnant; I only felt a stomach pain."

     – an unnamed 31-year-old Salvadorean nun at the Little Disciples of Jesus convent in Cam-
        porno, Italy, who had a baby boy (she named the baby Francis and said she would keep him)

"Me and history put them in those worlds."
                                                                           – Jay Cantor , author of Forgiving the
                                                                              Angel: Four Stories for Franz Kafka

"This bill is an idea that's time has come."
                                                                          – Kentucky State Auditor Adam Edelen

Jeremiah Suleman, 5
Josiah Suleman, 5
Makai Suleman, 5
Jonah Suleman, 5
Nariyah Suleman, 5
Isaiah Suleman, 5
Maliyah Suleman, 5
Noah Suleman, 5
Emma Bunton ("Baby Spice"), 38
Elvis Presley Jr., 41
Mary Lou Retton, 46
Linda Blair, 55
Ellen, 56
Lucinda Williams, 61
Neil Diamond, 73
Ray Stevens, 75
Ray Anthony, 92

"Sleepy John" Estes (1899-1977)

A 54-year-old woman né man offered a Bible-thumping
city councilman in Shreveport,  Louisiana,  the first stone
with which to put her to death. . . . A man shot himself in
the leg in a road rage incident on I-4 near Orlando, Flor-
ida. . . . Farrah Abraham, MTV "Teen Mom" of Council
Bluffs, Iowa, turned porn star turned author (autobiogra-
phy),  announced plans for two more books  – an erotic
novel  and a Christian parenting guide. . . . Rhode Island
parents were warned their children could get  nose mag-
gots  from snorting Smarties candies. . . . A German far-
mer caught a runaway bull by spiking a bucket  of  grain
with two bottles of vodka (after one proved not enough).
. . . Courtney Love was sued by her lawyer for  "Twibel"
(libel on Twitter).  . . . Justin Bieber was arrested in Mia-
mi, Florida, for drag racing under the influence.

   [courtesy Harper's Weekly, HuffPost, Raw Story, AP]

Leah Shafer set a new low for a "recording artist's"  rendition  of
the Star Spangled Banner,  at the American Football Conference
championship game in Denver.  Here's a a YouTube link  (posted
37 minutes after the travesty),  and  here  is our attempt at a pho-
netic spelling of her delivery:

José kin you zee, baa though dawn's eerilyly lat,
Wutso prow-odely we helled hat thuh twalat's lest glee-me-ing,

Whose brad straps and bry-height stars through-who thuh peril-less fat,
Or thuh rampa-hearts we wah-hah-ahtched, were so gallant-lee streaming?

Hand the rockits' hred gla-hair, thuh bah-hombs bursting hinayer,
Gay-ave proo-uff through the nigh-i-ight n'that our flagg wuz still theyer;

José does thayat star-spengled banner yet way-ave,
Or thuh nuh-la-hand huv thuh freeeeeeeeeeeeeee hand thuh-uh home huv thuh brev?

Ann Wilson did a slightly more credible job at the NFC champion-
ship game, until she got to "free," on which she missed the pitch by
about five intervals.  And she,  too,  mispronounced  "perilous"  as
"peril-less," which has the exact opposite meaning. Fortunately she
could barely be heard above the crowd noise at the stadium in Se-
attle.   Here's the YouTube (it took only 7 minutes to get up).

POP QUIZ:  What pre-rock'n'roll crooner and country & western
star both scored hits in 1969 with the Hugo Montenegro song "Se-
attle"?  NO GOOGLING or YOUTUBING.

Canadian tennis player  Frank  Dancevic  had a  hallucination  of
Snoopy before passing out in 108° heat in a match at the Austra-
lian Open in Melbourne  (he came to and finished his match,  los-
ing in straight sets).

Peyton Manning was considering entering the 2014 Penis With Ears Lookalike Contest

I'm getting married to a wonderful man.  At a recent dinner
with his parents,  his mother asked if I would wear a neck-
lace that has been passed down to the women in her family
on their wedding days. It does not suit my dress, and I had
not planned to wear a necklace at all.  This is not  a  simple
chain with pendant or a strand of pearls; it is a large "state-
ment" piece.  It's got  huge  knobs  on it that look a bit like
the maces medieval knights used to break through armor. I
really don't want to wear it, but I'm wondering if this is one
of those things I just need to suck up and do?

                                                                Hate the Heirloom

'Horses are so dumb!' (photo courtesy Bruce Mitchell)

Steve Yates wrote Sun 1/12/14 @10:26 CST:

Here's  one  for  Len and Bruce:  The epitome of confusion is
Father's Day in Detroit.

William Skaggs wrote Sun 1/12/14 @12:37 CST:

The most frequently heard phrase after a Kentucky girl loses her
virginity is, "Get off me now, Daddy, you'll crush my cigarettes."

J. Ewing wrote Mon 1/13/14 @19:31 EST re last week's listing of Jan-

uary 8 birthdays:

Soupy Sales (1926-2009).

Né Milton Supman.  A good old Huntington, W.Va., boy.  Grad-
uated from the same high school as my mom and dad  –  et  moi.
His photo is in my mom's yearbook.  And he worked at a jewel-
ry store with my mom's childhood friend Thelma (my godmother).
Graduated from Marshall University.

Fred Dean wrote Mon 1/13/14 @11:38 PST re the listing of January 8
birthdays, which included Elvis' (and Mr. Dean's hisself):

And "Ish Kabibble" I read somewhere, but I know not his given
name.

Ish  Kabibble's  birthday  was January 19 (today),  not January 8.  His
maiden name was Merwyn Bogue.  As Andrei Codrescu said,  "Don't
ask me anything you can Google!"

We do not know whether Ish Kabibble was any kin to Ibby Caputo, who
was listed in last week's issue of Tabloid Headlines  (along with the Janu-
ary 8 birthdays) as an upcoming guest speaker at the Weekly World News
Round Table.  We kinda doubt it.  She is a staffer at National Public Radi-
o's WGBH affiliate in Boston  and reports occasionally for NPR news.

                                                                                                            – Editor

Beam Inc., whose bourbon brands include Jim Beam and Maker's
Mark, was being acquired by a Japanese corporation (never mind –
Beam's headquarters already is in Deerfield, Illinois). . . .

Lexington's most wanted:  Angela Adams, WF, 35, 5'4", 130 lbs

                                                      [courtesy Herald-Leader]

The driver of a silver Dodge Ram pickup truck shot the driver of a red
Dodge Ram in a road rage incident on I-80 in Gary.

                                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

"It would be like inviting Hitler to lunch."
                                                                    – Congressman Eliot Engel (D-N.Y.) on Dennis
                                                                       Rodman's playing basketball for Kim Jong-un

"I am very good at working with Jews."
                                                                   – Chen Guangbiao, a Chinese tycoon
                                                                      hoping to buy the Wall Street Journal

Michelle Obama, 50
Nina Totenberg, 70
Betty White, 92
Merwyn Bogue ("Ish Kabibble," 1908-1993)

Liz Anderson (1930-2011)

Colorado changed the 420 mile marker on I-70  to  419.99
in an effort to avert theft,  and changed the 69 mile marker
on another highway to 68.5. . . . A British biologist conclu-
ded that cats think their owners are large cats. .  .  .  Good
news  for central West Virginia:   Bad  news  downstream?
(let's see: There' s Huntington,  Cincinnati,  Louisville,  Pa-
ducah, Memphis, Baton Rouge, New Orleans,  and  places
in between and beyond – like Ghana, and France). . . . A
a pimp serving a prison sentence in Oregon  for stomping a
john with his Jordans sued Nike for failing to label the snea-
kers dangerous.  .  .  .  Zambian opposition politician Frank
Bwalya  was  arrested  for calling President Michael Sata a
sweet potato. . . .  A doctor drowned a cockroach stuck in
a man’s ear in Darwin, Australia, in olive oil,  and  rescuers
used olive oil  to free a nude man stuck in a washing mach-
ine in Mooroopna,  Australia. . . . A woman was found not
guilty  of  DUGG  (driving  under  the  influence  of  Google
Glass) in San Diego, California.

Putting one little word after another,  and would someone
please explain why a Democratic mayor was expected to
endorse a Republican governor for re-election  in the first
place?

Do you think people should go to their high school reunions?
I skipped my 10th,  and there were people who couldn't un-
derstand it.

I just don't see any reason to go.  I'm  not  curious  about any-
one.  I was bullied.  And I would go only to be a braggy brag-
gerson (I live in New York City now, and celebrities and mus-
icians know my name and say hi to me),  and  my  classmates'
responses  all would be,  "How many kids do you have,  and
how big is your house?"
                                                Big Enough for Three of You

Canadian gets hang of hoops, Morehead center Chad Posthumus glares at Xavier's Isiah Philmore as he takes control of a rebound during their November game in Cincinnati, Morehead is a state university in Kentucky, but Chad's from Winnipeg, Manitoba – and, "He's just a beast," says teammate Drew Kelly (AP)

Basketball hotties: Miranda Maples, Eastern Kentucky University; Jennifer O'Neill, University of Kentucky

Dennis Rodman checked into rehab.

Len wrote Sun 1/5/14 @12:18 EST:

Bruce Mitchell asked and answered last week:

"Q:  What's the definition of a virgin, in the South?
"A:  A girl who can run faster than her brother."

And her father and uncles, he might add. . . .

And where do these guys get their expertise on Southern culture,
you ask?   Well,  both are from Detroit and,  therefore,  grew  up
with Southerners.  – Editor

I-94 and I-65 were closed under nearly a foot of snow.

                                                     [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

An inmate with only two months to go for parole  escaped
from the Blackburn prison near Lexington but turned him-
self back in after a night and less than  a  day  in  tempera-
tures down to 4 below zero. . . .

State  Representative  Leslie  Combs,  a  blonde Democrat
from Pikeville, discharged a pistol in her office in the Cap-
itol Annex in Frankfort (she said it was an accident). . . .

Guy Padraic Hamilton-Smith graduated in the top third of
his class at the University of Kentucky School of Law but
was denied admission to the bar because he is  a  register-
ed sex offender. . . .

                                                                               

Lexington's most wanted: Tabitha Ann Lea, WF, 34, 5'4", 120 lbs

                             [courtesy Herald-Leader]

Jessica Boyers, 25, former Highland Middle School teacher in Louisville, admitted she kissed and straddled a 13-year-old male student in her car, in a park and in her house but denied having sex with him

                                           [courtesy Courier-Journal
                    –  Jessica's  arrest was reported in the A-
                    pril 14, 2013, issue of Tabloid Headlines]

"We got a bunch of leaders who don’t stand up and piss against
 the wall like a man."
                                                    – The Rev. Steven L. Anderson 

Bruce Sutter, 61
David Robert Jones ("Bowie"), 67
Robby Krieger, 68
Stephen Hawking, 72
Yvette Mimieux, 72
Little Anthony Gourdine (of the Imperials), 73
Elvis Aron Presley (1935-1977)
Jesse Garon Presley (1935-1935)
Soupy Sales (1926-2009)
Gret Palucca (1902-1993)

Mary J. Bilge, 43
Howard Stern, 60
Scott McKenzie (1939-2012)
Bernardine Dohrn, 72
Paul Revere Dick (of the Raiders), 76
Glenn Yarbrough, 84

Sandy Denny (1947-1978)

Domenico Modugno (1928-1994)

Janice Keihanaikukauakahihulihe'ekahaunaele got a dri-
ver's license in Hawaii. . . . Hery Martial Rakotoariman-
ana Rajaonarimampianina was elected president of Ma-
dagascar. .  .  .  Wal-Mart recalled "Five Spice" donkey
meat that had been contaminated with fox meat in Chi-
na. . . .  Mary Kay LeTourneau was jailed in Seattle for
missing a suspended driver's license hearing. . . . Janua-
ry 10 was declared  Houseplant  Appreciation  Day  by
the Gardener's Network. . . . New mayor Bill de Blasio
caught hell from fellow New Yorkers for digging  into  a
Staten Island pizza with knife and fork.

The Indiana Supreme Court took up a lawsuit against the
Gary SouthShore RailCats minor league baseball team by
a fan whose face was fractured by a foul ball. . . .

The college football championship game ("BCS") was not
on TV,  but only on cable and satellite ("ESPN").  In  case
you are curious, Florida State won. . . .

Dennis Rodman apologized. . . .

       

Basketball hotshot: Morehead State University senior forward Chad Posthumus is second in the nation in rebounds (12.4 per game) (Associated Press photo)

You've printed a few letters about  married  couples  who
are not enjoying a good sex life.  I think there is more ad-
vice you should give on this subject.  First of all,  married
couples should not sleep in the same bed.  Sleeping toge-
ther causes people to become  overly  familiar  with each
other,  leading to boredom.  It  should  be  special.  Each
spouse  should  sleep  in a separate room  and use a sepa-
rate bathroom.

There are many reasons for low libido; but for men it's food
preservatives, which often contain saltpeter. Men who want
to stay virile must avoid packaged foods.

Besides overfamiliarity and physical problems, there is the
issue  of what to do in bed.   Couples who explore the per-
secutor-victim-rescuer  story   are  usually able to develop
some very exciting scripts.   This  makes  the bedroom ex-
perience much more intellectually stimulating and fun.  It's
not just a random experience but, rather,  a planned game
that both people can look forward to.
                                                                                Randi

Bruce Mitchell did not have an answer for last week's legal conun-

drum about the couple that got married in Kentucky and divorced
in West Virginia,  but he did present a conundrum of his own.  He
wrote Sun 12/29/13 @13:33 PST:

Q:  What's the definition of a virgin, in the South?

A:  A girl who can run faster than her brother.

A 21-year-old Indianapolis man  was  arrested  for stealing jars of
dead mental patients' brain tissue from the Indiana Medical History
Museum and selling them on e-Bay. . . .

A woman in Valparaiso called police to report her children, 5 and 3,
missing after she entered a neighbor's house thinking it was hers. . . .

A Gary woman admitted accepting money to let a man take porn-
ographic photos of her daughters, aged 1 and 4, to post on line. . . .

A woman in Muncie was charged with three counts of neglect of a
vertebrate animal for locking her cats in a garage and  letting  them
starve to death (and here's your photographic link, Jan). . . .

The comedian Gallagher officiated at a New Year's Eve 14-water-
melon drop in Vincennes.
                                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]

A 1-year-old Amish girl was fatally injured in a  buggy  rollover
near Fountain City when the horse got spooked while being un-
hooked (no motor vehicle involved).
                                                                [courtesy Associated Press]

Bonita Lynn Vela, 35, of Franklin, sliced her daughter's boy friend's penis with a box cutter, believing, high on marijuana, that he had molested her 2-year-old son (Indianapolis Star)

Mitch McConnell . . .

Rand Paul . . .

Mitch McConnell . . .

Rand Paul . . .

Mitch McConnell . . .

Alice-in-Wonderland's Groin.

                                                  [courtesy the political parties, and the voters]

"I invite even nonbelievers to desire peace."
                                                                          – Pope Jorge, in his first Urbi et Orbi address

"I've read a lot of butlers' memoirs, and what I've found particularly fascinating was
 how it revealed how butlers were so butlery."
                                                                               – Lucy Lethbridge, author of  Servants:
                                                                                  A Downstairs History of Britain from
                                                                                  the 19th Century to Modern Times 

Laila Ali, 36
A. J. Pierzynski, 37
Eldrick Tont ("Tiger") Woods, 38
Patty Loveless, 57
Mel Gibson, 58
Diane Keaton, 68
Joseph Allen ("Country Joe") McDonald, 71

A shoe containing a human foot was found on  Jupiter  Is-
land in South Florida. . . .  A statue of a nude man with an
erection being eaten by a bear was shrouded by  a  wood
fence at a sculpture park in the Queens, New York. . . . A
Catholic church in Manhattan  answered complaints about
ringing Christmas bells all day by ringing them all night too.
. . . Vandals burned down the 43-foot-tall, 3.6-ton Christ-
mas straw goat in Gavle, Sweden,  for the 27th time since
1966. . . . A judge denied PETA's petition to stop a New
Year's Eve possum drop in Brasstown, North Carolina....
A giant rubber duck, one of several distributed by a Dutch
artist,  exploded  in a Taiwan harbor on  New  Year's  Eve
(investigators sought an eagle of interest reported  to  have
pecked the big little bird).

I have a problem,  and I'm not sure how my family will react.
I'm attracted to transsexuals – well, to one in particular – but
I'm not gay.

Some of the transsexuals I've spoken to don't look as if they
are male at all. They easily could pass for female since birth.
I don't want my family to think  I'm  gay,  because  I'm  not.
How do I tell them?
                                                                Pennsylvania Pete

Bowling Green High School's Nacarius Fant was named
Mr. Football in Kentucky.

                                [courtesy Columbus (Ind.) Republic]

Poster seen on local Post Office wall: