Stupidity kills - but not fast enough

Robert Wagner going to jail, secret FBI file reveals motive for murder (Globe); Nixon killed JFK & stole his brain (Globe); Selena Gomez completes transition to sexualized plaything (Onion); Ricky Nelson: It was murder (Examiner); Many Kentuckians on Medicaid work for low pay (Louisville Courier-Journal)

Len wrote Sun 11/22/15 @10:54 EST:

Hank's recipe for "possum piss chili" is  similar to my
wife's with a couple of exceptions:   We can't get pos-
sum piss in Detroit, baby or otherwise, and we substi-
tute bourbon or rum (taken internally during prepara-
tion, repeat as required).

Mr. Hebhoe heartily approves of your substitution, and your
method of injection.

We had a couple of minor mishaps  with  our  chili  this year.
We were at the end of the recipe and found no cider vinegar
in the pantry.  We had already been to town twice and were
not about to go again because we were ingesting the bour-
bon substitute, in your manner.  So we substituted a quarter
of a dollop of malt vinegar and a quarter dollop of distilled
white vinegar.

And the cats brought us a baby possum,  as  they  always do;
but we let it get away.  We were not able to catch it, and nei-
ther were the cats,  as the possum had become already wiser
from the experience. So we substituted a shot of the Editor's
Polish wife's ropa (home-made vodka).

It all worked out.    – Editor

Honkin de Spain wrote Sun 11/1/15 (roots and grafts): What is the relationship,  if any,  of the words  "pratfall"  and "prattle"? And we have a professor here named Thelma Pratt – is she related? The relationship is the ass:  "Prat"  in "pratfall" is the buttocks,  and "prattle" is another form of "prate,"  which means,  in the final anal- ysis, to speak out of your ass.  There seems to be no etymologic re- lationship, though.  So,  anyway,  whether Professor Pratt is related sorta depends on how she talks and acts,  doesn't  it?    – Ed.

"Selfie w/o I-Phone"

"Selfie without I-phone," dhopkins, 11/4/15

A juvenile court judge in Elkhart ordered the  Indiana  Divi-
sion of Mental Health to find a placement for a 12-year-old
girl who stabbed her stepmother  to  death  (more  than  ten
mental health centers refused to accept her). . . .

The Freedom from Religion Foundation will erect  a  Christ-
mas  display  outside  the  Franklin  County  Courthouse  in
Brookville showing the Statue of Liberty,  George Washing-
ton,  Benjamin Franklin  and Thomas Jefferson  huddled  a-
round a manger holding the Bill of Rights to balance a nativ-
ity scene that was upheld in federal court after the county a-
greed to allow secular displays also, which will include cele-
brations of the winter solstice, along with the Jesus scene. . . .

As if a tree  growing out of the Decatur County Courthouse
tower were not enough, Greensburg ("Tree City") was plan-
ning a digital sign on I-74 to promote the town. . . .

A stolen car being chased by police crashed into another car
on a highway entrance ramp in Indianapolis, killing a passen-
ger in the second car. . . .

The mayors of South Bend and Mishawaka discussed ditch-
ing the term Michiana as too confusing to outsiders.

                                                 [courtesy Columbus Republic]

   

South Bend's most wanted: Titus Ellington, BM, 6'1", 180 lbs, obstruction of justice (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

    

The University of Kentucky decided to cover up a mural de-
picting slavery in the Old South.
                                                                     [courtesy Lex18]

A 27-year-old Louisville man spray-painting a mural  in San
Juan, Puerto Rico, ran off when he saw a patrol car and was
struck and killed by  another  car  when he attempted to dart
across a street.
                                      [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

The State Police were investigating  the Powell County High
School boys basketball team,  but the cause for the investiga-
tion was not disclosed.
                                                                      [courtesy WKYT]

Miff Mole (1898-1961), born Irving Milfred Mole, was
a star trombonist and band leader of the Jazz Age.  Miff
was a nickname for  Milfred,   which may not be a "real
name,"  but "Irving" and "Mole" were real enough.  Are
there any famous musicians' names  to  compare?    Vote
early and often  from the following list  (which  contains
six entirely made-up names –€“ you'll spot them;  there are
three in a row).  And, please, write-ins  welcome):

Adam Ant
Bix Beiderbecke
Yusuf Islam
Rahsaan Roland Kirk
Yusef Lateef
Bubber Miley
Charles Mingus
Thelonious Monk
Turk Murphy
Mose Rager
Axl Rose
Biff Rose
Pharoah Sanders
Boz Scaggs
Tupac Shakur
Shorty Shitstain
Cat Stevens
Dweezil Zappa

A free subscription to Tabloid Headlines to everyone who
votes.

"Even Napoleon had his Watergate."
                                                                – Yogi Berra

"I think my snake is gay."
                                                – Alice Cooper

"Of the 30 governors who voiced concerns about letting Syrian refugees into their states,
  all but one was Republican."
                                                    – Scott Detrow, National Public Radio

"No one ever asks me out."
                                                  – Jennifer Lawrence

"That's exactly right, Steve."
                                                    – Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat: "They say older men perform longer sexually.  But who   wants to fuck an old man for a long time?" – Leonard Simon

Quotations of the candidates: "You’re a Christian – I mean, you can prove you’re   a Christian.  You can’t prove it,  then,  you  know,   you err on the side of caution."                                                            – Jub Bosh Stupid business slogans: Charmin toilet paper:  "Enjoy the go."

"Goose IPA."  The brewery is "Goose Island," but the bottle
says merely "Goose IPA."  So, is that Goose Island Pale Ale,
or Goose India Pale Ale?

November 23:  Miley Cyrus, 23
                                             Bruce Vilanch, 67
                                             Lew Hoad, 81
                    November 24:  Charles Starkweather (1938-1959)
                                             Ted Bundy (1946-1989)
                                            

Two 3-year-olds put their 19-month-old sister in  the  oven
in Houston, Texas, and turned it on (the little girl died). . . .
The Isis Books and Gifts shop  in  Denver,  Colorado,  was
vandalized the fourth time this year. . . . Papal  hottie  Fran-
cesca Chaouqui and four other persons were indicted by the
Vatican. . . . The Animal Legal Defense Fund sued an amuse-
ment park in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, to remove a chimpan-
zee named Candy who smokes cigarettes and drinks Coca-
Cola instead of water. . . . Spectators at Zimbabwe’s annual
Mr. Ugly contest booed when the reigning champion was un-
seated by a man with several teeth missing ("He is ugly," said
a rival, "only when he opens his mouth"). . . .  A dog shot his
hunter/master near Mesplède, France (it doesn't happen only
in Kosciusko County, Indiana). . . . Twenty thousand Israelis
sued Clutterbook Facebook in a New York state court to re-
move pages encouraging and demonstrating terrorist attacks
and linking like-minded terrorists.

                             [courtesy Harper's, Huffington Post, AP]

            

Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas), Cheri Beeson, WF, 45, 165 lbs, forgery (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

Ronda  Rousey  got  a 6-month medical suspension  for  being
knocked out by Holly Holm (she can be reinstated with a neg-
ative CT scan of her brain – and, that should be easy). . . .

The universities of Houston and Memphis will be paying their
football coaches $3 million a year and more. . . .

Half-marathoners in Bangkok,  Thailand,  all received free T-
shirts because a route error made them run an extra four miles.

                (You don't have to be blonde to be a dumb cunt.)

I am tired of being told to "try harder." Women past the age
of 50,  like me,  are tired of the sexual demands of our part-
ners.

I like sex, provided it is satisfying to both partners. "Wham,
bam, thank you, ma'am" doesn't count.   I would like a little
foreplay.  I would like to be touched at other times. I would
like to be respected and appreciated.  I would like to be giv-
en some attention during the hour it takes for the Viagra  to
take effect and not jumped on when he's ready.

Oh, sorry, I didn't intend to make this about me.  Because it's
all about him.   It was all about him when he was 20 and had
the sex drive of a rabbit.   It was all about him when  he  was
30  and trying to prove he was still adequate.   And  it is still
all about him.   There are things I refuse to do because I find
them distasteful. There are things he cannot do,  and then he
blames me for his inadequacies.  And  he  looks  at  porn  on
line,  saying I "don't give him what he needs."

I refuse to be treated like an object any more.  We've already
been to counseling.  It doesn't work because he "doesn't need
it."  He just wants more sex.
                                                           Tired of Sex, So Sue Me

Charlie Sheen AIDS cover-up, pursued women, men & transsexuals (Enquirer): Explosive new book reveals Andy Grffith show's twisted secrets: Andy: serial cheater and violent drunk, Opie: his shocking odd life, Barney: how he betrayed his wife; Goober: secret wedding to Rock Hudson; Aunt Bee hated them all (Globe); Gov. Pence to posthumouosly give top award to Amos Brown (Columbus Indiana Republic - oops! Governor Mikey is not waiting to die to present the award, it's that Mr. Brown, a famous broadcaster, is already dead - not to mention the split infinitive)

Honkin de Spain wrote Sun 11/1/15:

Correction:  You attributed the remark on the ISIS plot to kill
Prince William to me in your September 27 letters column. It
was by my recent bunk mate "Chipmunk."

A Syrian refugee family, waiting for resettlement since 20-
12 and due to arrive in Indianapolis  last  week,  was  shut
out by Governor Mikey and other officials.

                                                [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

A 200-pound cedar pencil statue,  12 feet tall,  was stolen
from the Purdue University campus in West Lafayette.

                                [courtesy Lafayette Journal & Courier]

A man furloughed from jail in Madison to attend a funeral
failed to return and was rearrested at a relative's home.

                                                    [courtesy Madison Courier]

Wildlife in Need,  an animal sanctuary in Charlestown with a
"Tiger Baby Playtime" fund-raising event,  was  cited  by the
U.S. Department of Agriculture  and PETA  for abuse of tiger
cubs and conditions unsafe for visitors.

                                        [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

The Goshen School Board approved Redhawks  as the new
name for athletic teams (formerly the Redskins) – it's a bird,
it's a plane, it's an Indian, it's a gun, it's a drink! . . . .

The Goshen City Council decided to let people raise chick-
ens in their back yards.
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Most wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Melissa Irene Shaffer, WF, larceny in a building; Jason Lee Jones, BM, failure to register as a sex offender, 3rd offense, failure to pay registry fee (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

A state trooper was injured when his car hit a horse on U.S.
Highway 150 in Rockcastle County.
                                                            [courtesy officer.com]

Parents, teachers and school administrators agreed on a new
student dress code in Woodford County (what? The students
were not included?).   Provisions  include,  "Necklines  shall
not droop any lower than the shortest dimension of  a  credit
card (2.125 inches) positioned at the base of the collarbone."

                                                       [Lexington Herald-Leader]

A black judge in Louisville was  kicked  off  two criminal cases
by the state's Supreme Court for posting on his personal Clutter-
book Facebook page remarks that the prosecutor had called him
a racist and "set the media on me to deceive the people while he
does his deeds,"  "Going to the Kentucky Supreme Court to pro-
tect the right to impanel all-white juries is not where we need to
be in 2015"  and "Do not sit silently.  Stand up.  Speak up."  The
judge, at a black defendant's request, had dismissed a jury panel
consisting of 40 white persons and one black person.

                                                            [courtesy Courier-Journal]

   
    Governor-elect Matt Bevin complained  that  an  editorial car-
    toon in the Lexington Herald-Leader depicting his adopted E-
    thiopian children  in  light of his opposition to resettlement of
    Syrian refugees in Kentucky was racist.

Sir, they're not terrorists; they're your own adopted kids

A 19-year-old man from Fort Wayne arrived in Berea on a Grey-
hound bus and went straight  to  the  middle  school  to see a 13-
year-old girl he had met on line.
                                                                           [courtesy WKYT]

Arrested in Abilene (Texas not Kansas): Lindsey Ragin, WF, 34, 5'5", 125 lbs, family violence; Teralyn Terry, 24, 4' 10", 100 lbs, forgery (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

Read more here: http://www.kentucky.com/news/local/counties/woodford-county/article45223410.html#storylink=cpy

"You can't bribe crocodiles."
                                                 – Indonesian anti-drug chief Budi Waseso, setting up an island prison


"How's that for being 'proactive'?"
                                                            – a Texas state trooper who gunned down a man fleeing an ar-
                                                               rest warrant in his car on a highway and later was exonera-
                                                               ted by the Supreme Court (Justice Sotomayor dissenting)


"Thanksgiving is a holiday where we stuff food into other food."
                                                                                                             – Bill Maher

"Ever notice how you never get laid on Thanksgiving?  It's because of all the coats on
  the bed."
                         – George Carlin

"We stand in solidarity with them in hunting down the perpetraries of this crime and
  bringing them to justice."
                                                           – President Obama, in Turkey, offering aid to the French –
                                                              redacted texts have him saying  "perpetrators,"  and  the
                                                              sound clips have been largely suppressed – but here's one

"This is not my time."
                                        – Booby Jungle

Quotations of the Wheat: "Who has the time to wait for that last turd to fall?" – Leonard Simon

"Polygamy Porter" (thanks, Jay Cory).  If you're not disgusted yet, try this link, or this one.

                                                                                    Paderewski (1860-1941)
                    November 19:  

Tuscaloosa police tasered and clubbed a University of
Alabama student who had been playing loud music (vi-
deo). . . . An 8-year-old boy in Birmingham,  Alabama,
was charged with the brutal murder of a 1-year-old girl
who would not stop crying. . . . A 9-year-old boy riding
in a car with his mother in Ontario,  Canada,  called po-
lice on a cell phone to report her for DUI. .  .  .  A drunk
in Tiffin, Ohio, was arrested for making a 9-year-old boy
drive him to a convenience store to  get  barbecue  sauce
for their dinner. . . . A woman in Clermont, Florida, was
arrested for  calling  911  for wings and cigarettes. . . . A
popular sea lion was found beaten to death in her cage at
the zoo in Dortmund, Germany. . . . A mall in New Jersey
was charging up to $75 to see Santa Claus  until  internet
outrage turned it around. . . . Carly  Simon  said  "You're
So Vain"  was about Warren Beatty  (as if anyone gave a
fuck after all these years). . . . Charlie Sheen said he has
HIV.
                                                    [courtesy Harper's, AP]

The University of Missouri  won the football game it nearly boycotted,
beating Brigham Young 20-16 for its first victory in five games. . . .

Ronda Rousey was KO'd by Holly Holm

Last week,  I lost my dear brother of 59 years to a heart attack.
He had underlying medical conditions, but the sudden passing
hit hard.

My fiancé and I have lived together the last four years.     We've
not yet married for financial reasons, but his family and friends
all know that we consider ourselves  life  partners.  I  thought  I
had a good relationship with  these  people,  including his adult
daughters.  I have them over for  dinner  several  times  a  week
and help pay for their college tuition and cars;   and I took time
off work and paid to travel out of state to attend and  take  part
in  wedding  showers  for their children.   All  these  people  are
friends with me on Facebook  and see everything that is posted
about our lives.  When my brother died,  I  posted  his obituary
along with funeral and visitation details.   My partner also told
these people what happened.

But not a single one of them called, texted, sent a card or came
to the visitation.  They didn't even post "sorry for your loss" on
my Facebook page. These are professional, well-educated peo-
ple who know how to behave in social situations.  When my fi-
ancé lost his parents,  within a short time of  each  other,  these
people were right there for him and his sisters.  If  any  of them
had lost a sibling,  I would have brought food,  sent flowers and
called to see how I could help.

I  am  crushed.   I'm not even worth a text message to them?   I
told my partner  that I want nothing more to do with these pho-
nies now that I know how they really feel about me.   How do I
deal with my anger and resentment?
                                                                          At a Loss in Ohio

OMG!  No txt?  Nothing on Clutterbook Facebook?

By the way, was any of these persons acquainted with your
brother?   And who is this guy you are unmarried to?   Your
"partner,"  or your "fiancé"?

Oh,  well – you can always "unfriend" them on Clutterbook
Facebook.

                         

Khloe & Kourtney: We quit! The show ruined our lives (In Touch); Paul McCartney bedded Yoko Ono, the real reason John hated him (Examiner); Coroner's office often sees death (Columbus Ind. Republic); Pussy Galore is a tragic hunchback! (Globe)

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 11/8/15 @07:07 PST re the Georgia
judges tossing out breathalyzer tests for lack of consent:

In most states "implied" consent is a requirement for get-
ting a driver's license.

And in Georgia as well:  Georgia Code, Title 40, Chapter 5, Article
3, section 67.1(b).    – Editor


Honkin de Spain wrote Sun 11/1/15:

That Libertarian candidate for Senator from Florida, Augustus
Sol Invictus – that can't be his real name!  What is the transla-
tion from the Latin?

Augustus = holy;  sol = sun;  invictus = unsubdued, or invincible.    – Ed.

Did anyone else notice  how reluctant the media were to use the word
"Muslim" in their reports on Friday's terror in Paris?  Not AP, not UPI,
not ABC, CBS, CNN, NBC or NPR, not the New York Times, not the
Huffington Post,  not the Washington Post,  not even Fox  uttered  the
word.  Time did.  USA Today and Euronews did, but only after the Is-
lamic State (ISIL, ISIS) claimed responsibility (and Euronews only to
quote a cleric calling for no backlash).

Fourteen  state   parks  will be closed four days to the general
public for deer hunting. . . .

Three students at Indiana State University, in Terre Haute, end-
ed a University of Missouri type hunger strike  after the school
promised  "mandatory  diversity  training"  to  begin  next  fall
as hundreds of students gathered for a "Mizzou Solidarity Ral-
ly"  at Purdue, in West Lafayette,  despite the assurance of the
school's president,  former Governor Mitch Daniels,  two days
earlier,  that Purdue stood in "proud contrast" to Missouri.

                                                   [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Colonel Sanders,  a native of Henryville,  in Clark County, In-
diana, trailed Trappist monk Thomas Merton, Muhammad Ali
and Ronald Reagan in a poll to name a new Ohio River bridge
from Jeffersonville,  in Clark County,  to Louisville, Kentucky
(but led Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis and civil rights
leader Whitney Young).
                                                       [courtesy Courier-Journal]

    

South Bend's most wanted: Shayla Ann Swank, WF, 5'5", 140 lbs: Theft (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Three pickup trucks crashed on the Hal Boone Parkway in
Somerset; one person died.
                                                                  [courtesy Lex18]

An "urban county arts review board"  recommended removing
the equestrian statues of Confederate generals John Hunt Mor-
gan and John C. Breckinridge  from the grounds of the Fayette
County Courthouse in Lexington (both were Kentuckians,  but
Kentucky was not a Confederate state – and Breckinridge, the
last  United  States  vice  president  before  the inauguration of
President Abraham Lincoln, wound up as the Secretary of War
for the Confederate States of America,  and the only vice pres-
ident or United States senator ever convicted of treason).

                                                                        [courtesy WUKY]

Jennifer  Lawrence  said  Kim  Davis  makes her "embarrassed
to be from Kentucky."
                                        [courtesy Vogue, Hollywood Reporter]

  

Amanda Skinner, 28, of Lexington, was arrested hiding in a dog house on a golf course in Frankfort after leading police on a chase in a stolen car, in which she tried to run over one officer when her car was briefly stuck at the end of a dead end road (CBS)

Lexington's most wanted: Larry Carter, WM, 38; Peter Kiger, WM; Eddie Blankenship, BM, 39; Peter Hafer, WM, 38; Joel Lawson, WM, 28 (pulled kicking and screaming from the Heerald-Leader)

"Politicians and diapers must be changed often.  And for the same reason."
                                                                                                                            – Mark Twain

"Does social media and whatnot affect your credit score?"
                                                                                                        – Linda Wertheimer, NPR

"How stupid are the people of this country to believe
 this crap?"
                        – Donald Strump (the reference was to certain utterances of Dr. Casey)

"I believe that God is the fairest individual there is."^*
                                                                                           – Dr. Casey

Quotations of the Wheat: "You can have my gun, but let me give you the bullets first." – Leonard Simon

Wheatley suggested in a recent column, "There should be an app:
3-D printer software to print a fuckable robot that looks like Cin-
dy Crawford."  And there is an "app" for that, reports our regular
contributor Honkin de Spain  (and,  she says,  it's  free)!   It's  the
"Crayola App for Kids":  Draw your own character;  the app will
convert it to 3-D,  even animated.  Then  load  her  into your 3-D
printer. . . .

Yik Yak is an app students at the University of Missouri and other
schools have been using to post anonymous threats.

Anni-Frid Lyngsdtad, 70
                                             Sam Waterson, 75
                                             Petula Clark, 83
                   
                                 

Dr. Casey said that the media's questions about his biog-
raphy were intended to distract the public. .  .  . Twelve
cars were swallowed in a parking lot in Meridian,  Mis-
sissippi,  and the city's public safety director refused to
call it a sinkhole. . . .A study of 1,200 children in the U-
nited States, Canada, China, Jordan, Turkey  and South
Africa, mostly Christian, Muslim and nonreligious, con-
cluded that those raised in religious homes were less al-
truistic, more punitive and more judgmental.  . . .  An I-
talian runner missing for two days  after the New York
Marathon  was  found,  still in his running gear,  on the
subway. ... Two Marksville town marshals in Louisiana
were arrested after they shot into a car they  were  cha-
sing, killing a 6-year-old autistic boy inside. . . . A Da-
nish man was arrested in South Africa  for amputating
the clitorises of his wife and six other women and kee-
ping them dried on a hook  in  his  freezer. . . . An 8th-
grader got detention in Oviedo, Florida,  for "inappro-
priate touching" for giving her boy friend a hug. . . . A
17-month-old boy bit  a  viper   to death in a garden in
Brazil.
                                                [courtesy Harper's, AP]

Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Wanda Sparks, WF, 33, 5'2", 110 lbs, probation violation (meth and credit card abuse); Jazzmyne Jones, BF, 24, 5'4", 125 lbs, probation violation (theft); Trystyn Spencer, WF, 22, 5'4", probation violation (meth and firewater) (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

The mayor of Brownsville, Kentucky, broke a 3-3 tie in
the City Council to enact an ordinance  prohibiting  5K
runs  (as if you could run five kilometers  and still be in
town in the first place).

                      [courtesy Edmonson News ("the Gimlet")]

I am a 12-year-old who just got my cellphone.  My  parents
are   extremely  controlling  about  the  limits of my using it.
For instance, once I go to bed I'm not allowed to charge my
phone in my room. They said it would run down the battery
and  I  should charge it for short periods of time throughout
the day.   I tried a compromise and said I'd charge it when I
woke up in the morning and after school,  but they assumed
that meant I'd use the phone in the morning. But I wouldn't;
and when I said so, they didn't answer.

They also have a limit on how much time I can use my phone
– two hours a day.  They think that whenever I'm in my room,
I'm using the phone, which I don't always do.

My parents never listen to me when I try to suggest a com-
promise.  What should I do?
                                                    Want My Phone

Doctors' analysis: Obama is insane; bizarre behavior, psycopathic rages, egomania (Globe); Joe Biden a serial groper (Globe); Boy George: I slept with the artist formerly and once again known as Prince (Enquirer)

Fred Dean wrote Sun 11/1/15 @10:20 PST:

No, dear Eleanor, da woman's daughter still
be  da  bitch;  it's just dat now she da dude's
bitch, not da dyke's bitch.

Publius Leget wrote Sun 11/1/15 @10:51 CST:

Eleanor Roosevelt died last week at 131?
Come on, man!  She died in 1962, age 78.

We know.  She's a place holder in our template;
and,  since no one of great fame died last week,
we just left her in.  She woulda been 131 now.

Eleanor was a running joke when we  worked  at
the Indiana Daily Student, the Indiana University
student newspaper:  "Is  Eleanor Roosevelt  still
alive?"  And,  she  was!  So, imagine our dismay
when she died  just five months after we gradua-
ted.    – Editor

A 16-year-old boy watching TV in Pennville was killed by a
car that crashed into his house. . . .

A  12-foot  tower  was  erected  in Bloomington for chimney
swifts.
                                                  [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Matt Bevin, a bankrupt tax dodger from New Hampshire,  was e-
lected governor,  and his running mate, Jenean Hampton,  a black
woman  from Detroit,  Michigan  (whose  mother,  or natal nurse,
did not know how to spell  Jeanine),  was elected lieutenant gov-
ernor – both Republicans and neither of whom has ever held any
political office – in a race that had little to do with issues in Ken-
tucky, but a lot to do with someone named Barack Obama.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Mayor Jim Gray of Lexington, Democrat and openly gay, denied
that he is a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

                                                               [courtesy LGBTQ Nation]

Kim Davis appealed (and again was rejected).

                                               [courtesy Minneapolis Star Tribune]

Arrested in Abilene: Frank Beckendorf, WM, 18, 5'6", 150 lbs, robbery; Lisa Pricer, WF, 48, 5'2", 150 lbs, tampering with evidence; Xavier Crump, BM, 27, 6'2", 300+ lbs, coke, indecency with child (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

"You can observe a lot by just watching."
                                                                        – Yogi Berra

"County Clerk Lynette Yates expected voter turnout to exceed
 expectations."
                                  – Rhonda Miller, WKYU-FM, Bowling Green, Ky.

Quotations of the Wheat: "If you want a guarantee in life, buy a toaster." – Leonard Simon

Tonicha Jeronimo, 38
                                            Delbert McClinton, 75
                    November 5:   Tatum O'Neal, 52
                                            Kris Jenner, 60
                                            Elke Sommer, 75
                    November 6:   Sally Field, 69
                                            Stonewall Jackson, 83, " rocker"
                                           
                    November 7:   Billy Graham, 97
                    November 8:   Lynndie England, 33
                                            Morley Safer, 84
                                            Bram Stoker (1847-1912)
                                           

Celebrity lookalikes: Roseanne Barr, Cindy Rich

A 33-year-old woman under the influence of alcohol
sneaked into the zoo in Omaha, Nebraska, to pet a ti-
ger Hallowe'en night  and was bitten on the left hand
when she reached into the cage. . . .A runaway blimp
from an Army base in Maryland was  shot  down  by
police in Pennsylvania. . . . A Washington, D.C., po-
licewoman  danced  the  "Nae  Nae"  with  a female
student to quash a rumble. .  .  . Police unions called
for a boycott of Quentin Tarantino films. . . . Judges
were tossing breathalyzer tests in Georgia  on  find-
ings that the subjects were  too  drunk  to consent to
them. . . . A man was arrested in Dunbar, West Vir-
ginia,  for sneaking into a school and singing Justin
Bieber songs on the intercom,  and  again  the same
day for doing it at a day care center. . . . North Car-
olina launched a web site to help  students  determ-
ine which Hallowe'en costumes might be offensive
(cautioning  against  "Tighty  Whitey  Rapper"  and
"Hey Amigo Mexican")  as  Wal-Mart pulled an Is-
raeli military costume for children and "Sheik Fag-
in  Nose"  from  its  shelves,  and a white teacher in
Decatur, Alabama, escaped punishment for donning
black face and going as Kanye West  (his wife went
as Kim Kardashian,  all in the classroom).  .  .  .  A
California  legislator  proposed  legalizing  "ballot
selfies." . . . Benjamin  Wittes, senior fellow in Gov-
ernance Studies at the Brookings Institution, challen-
ged Vladimir Putin to a martial arts bout.  .  .  .  Jub
Bosh spilled his guts  about  his  daughter  Noelle's
junk habit. . . . Dr. Casey was exposed as a liar (and
a fool).
                                              [courtesy Harper's, AP]

Vatican hottie Francesca Chaouqui, "the Pope's lobbyist," one of two staffers arrested for leaking documents from the Holy See, already was under criticism for posting racy photos of herself on Clutterbook Facebook (Washington Post)

The funnies:   

Mike Malarkey Mularkey was hired to coach the Tennessee
Titans of the National Football League.

Can you handle another pet peeve?  Mine is people who blow
their noses into napkins at restaurants.  Don't they realize that
a server must then pick up that used napkin  with bare hands?
They then serve my plate after having touched your used nap-
kin.  It is extremely unsanitary and unappealing.

I recently saw a friend do this with a cloth napkin  in a more
upscale restaurant.  I don't even want to go  out  to  eat  with
these people any more.
                                                                            Kay from Pennsylvania

Lamar destroyed by the Kardashians, how they humiliated him for TV ratings and drove him to overdose (in Touch); John Goodman deadly 103 lb weight loss (Globe)

STEPHEN YATES wrote Sun 10/25/15 @15:30 CDT
re last week's birthdays column:

Carrie Fisher’s Star Wars character was named
"Princess Leia," not Lelia.

Yes,   we  are  (and were) aware of that.  Princess Leia is a-
mong our ten favorite movie hotties.   That's why we linked
the reference, to the ignorant web site that listed her role as
Princess "Lelia."    – Editor

A Labrador retriever named Trigger shot his 25-year-old
mistress in the foot in Kosciusko County.

                            [courtesy Fort Wayne Journal-Gazette]

Clutterbook Facebook messages obtained by a "fishing ex-
pedition" search warrant were ruled fair evidence in an ar-
son trial in Evansville. . . .

A worker who fell 40 feet inside a water tower  in  Zions-
ville had to be rescued by the fire department because he
injured his leg and could not climb the  ladder  inside  the
tank. . . .

An elderly couple missing for 12 hours from their home in
Tipton were found 40 miles away on the other side of Indi-
anapolis speeding north in the rain  in the south lanes  of I-
465.
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's (Berrien County, Michigan's) most wanted: Jassundra Horton, BF, 5'4", 150 lbs, escape; Sheryl Raelene Reeves, WF, embezzlement; Starr Moore, BF, 5'4", 130 lbs, escape (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Four Pike County Jail inmates beat up another inmate
thinking he was a child molester (but he wasn't).
                                                                              [WKYT]

Whooping cough was diagnosed in three unvaccinated
infants in Louisville aged 6 months and younger.

                                            [courtesy Courier-Journal]

Justice Anthony Kennedy, who wrote the Supreme Court
opinion upholding same sex marriage, told Harvard Law
students that public officials  whose consciences impede
their performance of official duties should resign (he did
not mention Rowan County, Kentucky, Clerk Kim Davis
by name).
                           [courtesy International Business Times]

A Brownsville woman pleaded guilty to lacing a man's
soup with Lorcet and Xanax in an attempt to  kill  him
(it didn't).
                     [Park City Daily News of Bowling Green]

The latest issue of the Edmonson News  (a/k/a the "Gim-
let"), of Brownsville, carried a 227-line, 1,100-word arti-
cle without a paragraph break  by a former reporter turn-
ed college writing teacher. . . .

We sent our roving reporter, Stephen Yates,  on assign-
ment to eastern Kentucky to find the town where Tom
T. Hall spent  "A Week in a Country Jail."  He  started
in  Grayson  (the county seat of Carter County,  not to
be confused with  Grayson  County,  in  south central
Kentucky), then went on to Olive Hill (Tom T.'s home
town),  then further west to Head of Grassy,  in Lewis
County,  then south to Ordinary, in Elliott County, and
then east to Index, Dingus, Moon, and Relief, in Mor-
gan County,  and further east to Redbush  and  Flatgap,
in  Johnson  County  (all these towns are within a 15-
mile radius from Gimlet, in Elliott County). But when
Steve told the mayors, sheriffs, jailers and judges  he
was a reporter for  Tabloid  Headlines,  none of them
would give him the time of day.   Oh,  well  –  maybe
we'll get a chance to ask the Storyteller himself some
day.

"I only go to Los Angeles when I am paid for it."
                                                                                     – Robert De Niro

"The data shows . . . ."
                                            – President Obama

"Do you want me to answer, or do you want to answer?  Even in New Jersey what you
 are doing is called rude."
                                                     – Christy Christie

Quotations of the Wheat: "But, what if my twatbot ran off with some whatbot?" – Leonard Simon

October 28:   "Caitlyn" (Brucie) Jenner, 66
                    October 29:        October 30:  

Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Rashell Preslar, WF, 31, 5'8", 240 lbs, bond forfeiture (meth); Laticia Williams, BF, 37, 5'5", 225 lbs, bond forf. (theft) (courtesy Abilene Crime Stoppers)

Tennessee Attorney General Herbert Slatery concluded that records
of an investigation need not be released to the Memphis City Coun-
cil because there was no comma.  The law requires the records' re-
lease  "only in compliance with a subpoena or an order of a court."
Slatery said if there had been a  comma  after  "subpoena,"  a  City
Council subpoena would get the records;  but  without  the  comma
only court subpoenas would suffice. . . . Andrea  Cammelleri  won
a parking ticket challenge in West Jefferson,  Ohio,  because  there
was no comma after "vehicle"  in an ordinance banning parking of
any "motor vehicle camper, trailer."  The  Court of Appeals  ruled
that with a comma after "vehicle,"  Cammelleri's truck would have
been banned, but that without it, only campers and trailers were....
Sixteen-year-old  twins  in  Georgia  could not get learners' driver
permits because the computer that took their pictures could not tell
them apart. . . . A drunk woman fell out of the pickup truck she was
driving near Ada in Oklahoma, and one of her 3-year-old twin sons
drove the vehicle into an embankment across a four-lane highway....
A Frenchman pimped his wife out for 2,742 tricks in four years. . . .
The Inspector General declared the upcoming  "Love  and  Sex with
Robots"  conference in Malaysia  illegal  (are you listening,  Wheat-
ley?). . . . Film footage of  parachuted  beavers  being dropped from
airplanes  into the River of No Return wilderness 65 years ago  was
rediscovered by Idaho Fish & Game officials.  . . . Australian scien-
tists reported that crocodiles sleep with one eye open. . . . Fireworks
at a  rock  show  started a fire in a nightclub in Bucharest,  Romania,
and the fire started a stampede; 27 people died. . . .

                                                                       [courtesy Harper's, AP]

The World Series was on TV! (but the games, all at night,
lasted too long for schoolchildren to  stay  up  and  watch
them). . . .

The Irrational Anthem before Game 2 was rendered by some-
one called  Sara Evans  (if you can tell us who the fuck she is,
you will get a free 5-year subscription to  Tabloid  Headlines).
It keeps getting worse,  She makes the usual  "perilless / peril-
ous" mistake,  and  invents  many notes that were never there
before.  Do not miss the enunciation  "star-span-geld").  And
if  you watch the video clip all the way through  or  just  near
the end, you'll see George Brett groan (about 1:50)  when she
hits "wa-a-a-a-a-ave." . . . It was bad enough the night before
by Andy Grammer  – no kin, we hope, to the Grand Ole Opry
Star Billy Grammer (1925-2011, "Gotta Travel On").  But Bil-
ly Joel,  who did the honors for  Game  3,  did not screw it up
except for starting a little off key  (not as far off as  in  2000).
Before  Game 4,  "Demi"  Lovato  (whoever she is)  was  not
much  worse  ("perilous" this time,  not  "perilless"  as in her
awful Thanksgiving  performance in 2008).

My daughter has been in a lesbian relationship  for  14  years.
They recently took me to lunch and informed me that her part-
ner, "Nicole," is in the process of transitioning to a male. Ni-
cole has legally changed her name to "Nick"  and  begun hor-
mone treatments.  They have been going to counseling the last
six months.  I have seen Nick three times since  he  began  the
transition, and when I was visiting last week I mistakenly call-
ed him "she" instead of "he" a couple of times.  I was immedi-
ately corrected the first time and then ignored the second time
until I realized I had used the wrong word.  It hurt my feelings.
After I got home I sent Nick a text to apologize and explain that
it would take me some time to adjust.  I told them their correc-
ting me bothered me.   All weekend I could tell they were irri-
tated with me, and I felt it was uncalled for. What do you say?

                                                            Margaret in Mississippi