Publius Leget wrote Sun 12/20/15 @09:24 CST (roots and grafts):

I found the New Yorker's explanation of its difference in
style for C.I.A. and ISIS a bit lame – especially  in  its  ra-
tionale (if any) for the small caps for acronyms. And, is-
n't the phrase "pronounceable acronym" redundant?

And, how do you suppose the chippie who e-mailed you
says C.I.A.? "C, I, A," as she indicated, or "Cee-yi-yay,"
as  in "Whoopee-ti-yi-yo"  (or as that other chippie says
"Tee-yi-yay-yay Cref" for TIAA-CREF  in the National
Public Radio promo)?

Celebrity lookalikes (or, maybe Christopher Lloyd looks more like both of them . . . ) Christopher Lloyd, John A. Durbin II, Lloyd, J. J. Thomson, Lloyd (suggestion courtesy Dave Surtees)

Indiana and Purdue universities cut off employee benefits to
same-sex "partners" (ya gotta be married now). . . .

The Gary Youth Council, composed of teen-agers, voted to
ask the city to prohibit wearing  "saggy  pants"  by  persons
under 18 years of age. . . .

A 69-year-old woman in Lynn, Randolph County, was char-
ged with throwing buckets of her own urine on a neighbor's
house. . . .

Elkhart closed its public ice skating rink on account of warm
weather.
                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Deanna Tillman, BF, 5'7", 145 lbs, coke; Thomas Pasman, WM, 5'10", 160 lbs, theft; Lisa Miller, WF, 5'6", 170 lbs, meth; Berrien County, Michigan's: Lakwanta Dominique Griffin, BM, criminal enterprise (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Sazerac  Brands  dropped  its lawsuit against  Jack Daniel's,
without explanation, over the use of "Fireball" in cinnamon
whiskey names. . . .

     

The Kentucky Mist Moonshine distillery dropped its lawsuit against the University of Kentucky over the use of the word Kentucky in its logotype on caps and T-shirts, which the university called a trademark violation. Mayebe it was the font the university was complaining about. In the meantime the university introduced a new logo of its own. . . ..

Melissa Warren, 34, of Walker, was charged with murder, DUI, driving without license and leaving the scene of an accident after her pickup left the road in Knox County, hit a tree and flipped, killing a male passenger, 20

Of US Senators running for President,  Kentucky's  Rant Pol
has the best attendance record, but is next to last in speeches
on the floor.  Burny  Sandman  is second in attendance,  first
in floor speeches.  Mario Rubicon is last in both counts. . . .

The state's chief justice declined to remove Olu Stevens, the
black judge in Louisville in a spat with  the  state's  attorney,
from all criminal cases but instead referred the matter of his
Clutterbook Facebook rants to the state's  Judicial  Conduct
Commission.
                                      [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Lexington's most wanted: Stephanie Watts, WF, 33, 5'7", 180 lbs; Savannah Blaclwell, WF, 26, 5'4", 140 lbs (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

It was 73 degrees in southern Kentucky on Christmas Eve,
a  record  high,  and  our roving reporter came to the news
office in shorts and sandals.
                                                              [Tabloid Headlines]

Arrested in Abilene (Texas not Kansas): Steven Leija,WM,, 34, 5'5", 185 lbs, theft; Shaquan Townsend, BM, 18, 6'1", 130 lbs, burglary; Travis Gazaille, WM, 28, 5'11", 110 lbs, tampering with evidence (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

"You can't fool all of the people all of the time; but if you fool enough of them once,
 it can last four years."
                                           – Anonymous

"Now I can stay."
                                – Bashar al-Assad,  upon hearing of the UN Security Council resolution
                                   calling for peace in Syria but not mentioning what's to become of him

"The Turkish government decided to lick the Americans in a certain place."
                                                                                                                            – Vladimir Putin

"What unique perspective does a minority student bring to a physics class?"

                                            – Chief Justice John Roberts, to an attorney for "affirmative action"

"It's important not just to shoot, but to aim."
                                                                             – President Obama

"This was not an act of terrorism.  Initial investigation appears this was intentional."

                          – Deputy Police Chief Brett Zimmerman, referring to the dozens injured, one
                            killed, by a woman who drove her car onto a sidewalk in Las Vegas, Nevada

                    (And,  why did the media not immediately show us her face and tell us her name?   We
                      just wanted to know if she was a Muslim or not. Turns out it was a 24-year-old home-
                     less black woman from Oregon named Lakeisha, with a suspended driver's license.)

"It's probably the baddest decision he's made all year long."
                                                                                                     – Phil Simms, CBS Sports

"The media is pursuing ratings. . . .  It's up to the media to make a determination about how they
 want to cover things."
                                          – President Obama (emphasis added)

" . . . had went . . . ."
                                    – Blake Farmer, WPLN-FM, Nashville, Tennessee, on National Public Radio

"People are not watching their dogs."
                                                                – Kellie McClellan, urban forester, Muncie, Indiana

"That's right. . . .  That's right. . . ."
                                                              –   Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat: "I still have four years of eligibility to play basketball for the  University of Kentucky." – Leonard Simon

"My own personal theory is that Joseph built the pyramids in order to store grain."

                                    – Dr. Casey, in a commencement address at Andrews University, 1998

December 21:  Chris Evert, 61
                                             Ray Hildebrand ("Hey, Paula" Paul), 75
                                             Jane Fonda, 78
                                             Frank Zappa (1940-1993)
                                            
                    December 22:  Alina Lohan, 22
                                             Diane Sawyer, 70
                                            
                    December 23:  Jorma Kaukonen, 75
                                             Paul Hornung, 80
                    December 24:  Mary Barra, 54
                                             Mary Higgins Clark, 88
                    December 25:  Justin Trudeau, 44
                                             Rickey Henderson, 57
                                             Cissy Spacek, 66
                                             Merry Clayton, 68
                                            

The Islamic State declared war on Saudi Arabia;  Saudi
Arabia included Pakistan and Lebanon  in its antiterror-
ism coalition without consulting either country,  and ne-
gotiations  in  Switzerland  failed to end the civil war in
Yemen. .  .  . In a poll of Republican primary voters, 30
per cent supported bombing Agrabah, a fictional coun-
try in Disney’s Aladdin. . . . Driving instructors were al-
lowed to be paid with sex in Holland, where prostitution
is legal. .  .  . A German historian reported evidence that
Hitler had  only  one  testicle  and that his condition was
congenital,  not the result of a war injury  (or  [roots and
grafts] should that be unigenital?). . . . A Thai factory la-
borer was charged criminally with  posting  sarcastic  re-
marks on the internet about the king's dog. . . . Benjamin
Netanyahu's dog bit two guests at a Hanukkah party. . . .
Four thousand Romanian shepherds wearing sheepskins
protested  in  Bucharest  against new regulations limiting
the number of sheep dogs they can use. . . . A North Ca-
rolina judge denied PETA's motion for an  injunction  a-
gainst a New Year's Eve possum drop in Brasstown. . . .
The town council of Woodland, North Carolina, rejected
a proposal for a solar farm after residents expressed fears
it would "suck up all the energy from the sun." . . . An 82-
year-old woman trapped in a public lavatory for four days
in Felixstowe, England,  kept warm with a hand dryer and
knitted a scarf while she was there. . . .  Bristol Palin gave
birth to another bastard.
                                           [courtesy Harper's, Raw Story]

Why does it feel awkward for me to call my husband by his
first  name?  When I say his name from another room to get
his attention,  it only feels natural for me to call him "Babe."
When I'm talking about him to someone else, I use his name,
but it still makes me cringe. It's a perfectly normal, common
name; so I don't know why it makes me so uncomfortable.

And this doesn’t just apply to my husband.  Before him I was
in a six-year relationship with my high school sweetheart and
had the same problem. Why can I only call my significant oth-
ers “Babe” when talking to them?
                                                         Husband's Name Is _____

Bob, right?  Makes you think of bobbing for apples.  But the
trouble started with your high school boy friend, Oglethorpe.

Here's  a  solution:   Women in rural Kentucky call their hus-
bands by their last names.   Try  that.

                         

Anthony Dean wrote Sun 12/13/15 @10:33 CST re Negra Modelo:

"Negra" modifies "cerveza,"  the Spanish for beer,  which has
 been omitted from the brand name.   Since adjectives usually
 follow nouns in Spanish, it's easy to conclude that it does not
 modify "Modelo," which is part of the brand name.

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sat 12/12/15 @23:43 PST to relieve Jay Cory's amazement that "terrorism" was never mentioned in reports of the shooting at Planned Parenthood in Colorado Springs: "It was a white guy"; newspaper cartoon of Obama and terrorist: "I don't know if this latest incident was terrorism, but I'm looking into it . . . ."

Honkin de Spain wrote Tues 12/1/15 to answer our question  why Na-
tional Public Radio's Dina Temple-Raston is called a "counterterrorism
correspondent" and not a "terrorism correspondent":

Um,  maybe they think their listeners might be confused, and
think she is a terrorist who corresponds with them?    I  mean,
people are so dumb, aren't we? We wouldn't want Dina What-
zername to be ostracized or interrorgated!

So, where does this leave "crime reporters"?    – Editor

We wrote the Editor of the New Yorker Mon 12/14/15 @09:32 CST:

So,  why is it C.I.A.,  regular caps with periods,  and ISIS,  small
caps and no periods?  Do you have any standards?

And the New Yorker wrote back Mon 12/14/15 @11:06 EST:

We use small caps and no periods when it's a pronounceable acronym,
like  ISIS  or  NASA.  With things like C.I.A., we use full caps and peri-
ods because we're just saying the letters involved:  C, then I, then A.

Unisex name of the week:  Laverne (LaVer n).

        

Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Latoya Starks, BF, 31, 5'7", 100 lbs, wanted for probation violation, cocaine (& firewater) (Abilene Crime Stoppers); Berrien County, Michigan, is not 'wanting' for hotties! We have them! (courtesy Michiana Crime Stoppers) Solona Denise Bell a/k/a Solona King, BF, wanted for identity theft; Jambrish Jonae Bickham, BF, wanted for home invasion wrecking

The mayor of Goshen issued an executive order adding pro-
tection of "transgender people"  to the city's antidiscrimina-
tion hiring ordinance  after city council members refused to
vote on it in the wake of opposition. . . .

The state police were offering an "Unarmed Response to Ac-
tive Shooter Events" program to schools and businesses. . . .

Dogs were vandalizing Muncie's new dog park. . . .

The police chief of Sullivan crashed into another car on the
courthouse square.
                                               [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Michael Reeder, WM, 5'4", 165 lbs, coke (Michiana Crime Stoppers); Lookalike; John A. Durbin II, WM, Sunfish, Ky., denies illegal use of drugs (he has always supported his children, too); Larry Edward Norman Jr., WM, failure to pay child support

The Sazerac Co., of Frankfort, marketer of Fireball Cinna-
mon Whisky, a "product of Canada," since 1988, sued Jack
Daniel's in federal court in Louisville  for  using  "Fireball"
as a "Google AdWord" to promote its Tennessee Fire whis-
key.  And remember, Tennessee whiskeys are not bourbons
(and apparently neither is Sazerac's Fireball). Jack Daniel's
whiskey itself is not "bourbon"  but "Tennessee sour mash."
And also,  although Jack Daniel's whiskeys are produced in
Tennessee, the Jack Daniel brand now is owned by Brown-
Forman Corporation, of Louisville, Kentucky;  so, how did
they get to a federal court? Guess it's the federal trademark
statute (and remember also, it's "whiskey" in Ireland and A-
merica, bourbon or not,  and "whisky" in England, Scotland
and Canada).
                                                 [courtesy WDRB and others]

Lexington police were looking for a missing 14-year-old moth-
er and her 1-week-old son from Louisville. . . .

The United States Supreme Court reversed a US Court of Ap-
peals reversal of a murder conviction in Kentucky in which a
person who expressed reservations  about  the  death  penalty
was excluded from the jury.
                                                         [courtesy Herald-Leader]

The black Louisville judge whose disqualification was sought
by the white state’s attorney over a racist jury selection issue
reached a settlement with his foe in mediation, but the judge's
wife upset the apple cart: The judge learned, in mediation, the
name of an attorney who had alerted the state's attorney to the
judge’s Clutterbook Facebook rants,  the husband of a Clutter-
book Facebook 'friend' of the judge's wife;  the  judge "texted"
that information to his wife  –  during the mediation,  already
violating a condition of confidence – and his wife then "text-
ed" the attorney, "You dirty, rotten mother-fucker."  And  the
state's  attorney  has  renewed  his  motion  to  disqualify  the
judge from all criminal cases,  for  that  and  for  new Clutter-
book Facebook posts by the judge. . . .

Nearly 150  Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America
marching in Louisville last Sunday were trailed by armed gun
rights activists.
                                                   [courtesy the Courier-Journal]

A homeless center in Williamsburg quit  accepting  women  in
order to prevent illicit sexual relations.
                                                                        [courtesy WYMT]

"Again we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his
  own way, by going to the mall of his choice."
                                                                                – Dave Barry

"When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass in it."
                                                                                                                                        – Lewis Black

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into a black
  neighborhood after dark."
                                                     – Dick Gregory

"Christmas: It's the only religious holiday that's also a federal holiday."
                                                                                                                    – Samantha Bee
      [Oh, yeah?  What about Easter?  Or any Sunday?    – Editor]

"And how does the media cover ISIS shootings or threats differently than if it were another kind
  of shooting or threat?"
                                            – Jeremy Hobson, Here & Now, National Public Radio
 
"I think there's a lot of levels of concern about the way in which media handles things . . . ."

                       – David Folkenflik (emphasis added), NPR "media" correspondent (same interview)

"That's exactly right."
                                        –   Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat: "Only five shoplifting days left till Christmas?" – Leonard Simon

Nick Buoniconti, 75
                    December 16:   Melvin "Turk" Murphy (1911-1987)
                    December 17:   Pope Jorge, 79
                    December 18:   Christina Aguilera, 35
                                              Barkha Dutt, 44
                                              Bradd Pitt, 52
                                            
                    December 19:   Dr. William DeVries, 72

                                             

A Norwegian study found that men have a better sense
of direction than women. . . .  An elementary school in
Pueblo, Colorado,  was closed after a third-grader sent
an e-mail to other students full of emojis including guns,
knives, bombs, smiley faces, cows and sheep  (the  boy
said he did not realize he had sent it to  the  entire  stu-
dent body). . . . J-Law dissed Li-lo on T-V.

                                                [courtesy Harper's, ABC]

Pete Rose remained "banned from baseball" – as if

• he didn't get more hits than any other player in the history of the game,
• he bet on his opponents, not his own teams,
• he took steroids, and
  
• he were not a paid commentator for Fox TV on this year's World Series broadcasts
  (what greater "reinstatement" does he need?).
                                                         
  

I am a 51-year-old attractive professional,  divorced two
times,  and engaged to a 58-year-old man  who also is di-
vorced twce.   We met on line,  and hit it off pretty quick.
He is magnetic, and sex is  great.  He moved in, and I am
supporting him until he gets his businesses in order.  He's
had four DUI's and recently spent some time in jail.

He has always been  up  front  that he likes to view porn a
lot  and wants to experiment sexually.  This doesn't bother
me.  But he posted an ad on line asking another woman to
join  us  for sex.  While we may fantasize about this in the
bedroom, he wants to make it real; and this makes me un-
comfortable. But he gets angry if I say so. He also doesn't
like when I mention the money issues between us.

I have been through a lot over the past few years, including
getting out of an abusive marriage.   And  I  have  a  young
daughter.   Am I being unreasonable about threesomes,  or
should I rethink?
                                                                              Confused

Jay Cory wrote Sun 12/6015 @07:55 EST:

I too was amazed at how long it took to actually use the word
"terrorism" in reports of the San Bernardino attack, and I was
even more amazed  that that term never got used in reports on
the Planned Parenthood shooting in Colorado Springs.     That
one meets the old definitions  as well as the new,  "use of vio-
lence and intimidation in the pursuit of political aims."

On another matter, Olivia Culpo, the woman turned down by
Tim Tebow, was not just Miss USA;  she was Miss Universe.
You turn her down,  you deserve to lose her.   I' m sure she'd
have been quite the religious experience for me.

Keith Durbin wrote Sun 12/6/15 @08:14 CST:

I believe that these days the difference between murderer and
terrorist is that a murderer is afforded due process of law  and
a terrorist can be thrown in jail for as long as they  wish  with-
out a trial.

The columnist formerly known as Bob Hill wrote Sun 12/6/15 @11:54 EST:

While the politically and literally correct English majors at Fort Wayne
(Indiana) North High School struggle to replace "Redskins" as a school
mascot I defy any high school anywhere to come up with a better nick-
name than the Calhoun Sandcrabs of Port Lavaca, Texas – unless may-
be the Frankfort (Indiana) Hot Dogs.

Honkin de Spain wrote Sun 11/8/15:

When did you stop putting periods after initials, like U[.]K[.]?

The incidence referred to  – the article about the University of Ken-
tucky's challenging Kentucky Mist's use of the word "Kentucky" in
its product – contained a link to an image  of  the  "UK"  university
logotype.

But that aside,  whether to include periods in initials  of universities
seems to be more a matter of style than of proper grammar or punc-
tuation,  and is somewhat dependent on  "logos."  The  only  school
we can think of off the top of our (collective) head  that  usually  is
referred  to  with periods in its abbreviation is Indiana University –
"I.U." (the Editor's alma mater). Even Northwestern University (the
Editor's  law  school  alma  mater),  in the same athletic conference,
goes by NU (no periods).  And,  OK,  I.U. no longer.   The   original
sheet music to the alma mater hymn said "Hail to Old I.U.," but that
seems archaic now.

And some typically use  "of"  in  their initialized nicknames;  some
don't.  Even in the same state you have UK for Kentucky,  U  of  L
(sometimes U. of L.) for the University of Louisville.

Then you got VCU  for  Virginia Commonwealth,  TCU  for  Texas
Christian,  SMU  for Southern Methodist,  USC  for Southern Cali-
fornia (a/k/a "Southern Cal") and UCLA for the University of Cal-
ifornia at Los Angeles  (but it's  "Caltech"  for the California Insti-
tute of Technology,  not "CIT,"  not "C.I.T." – not even "Cal Tech"
or "Cal. Tech.").

News services and broadcast networks follow the  same  pattern:
AP, UPI, NPR, CNN, CBS, NBC, NYT, etc. And, then, is it "UN"
or "U.N."?  As with I.U./IU,  take your pick  (or,  should  that  be
"pick your take"?).  But most Americans would be offended,  we
think, by "US" and "USA" instead of U.S. and U.S.A. (it's too late
for Russians to get offended by "USSR" ("CCCP"). Let's think a-
gain of UK, while we're at it:  It's a European nation as well as an
American university.

No one except the people of I.U. says either P.U. or PU for Purdue,
which is in the Big Ten with I.U. IU and NU.   One idle thought,  in
passing: If I.U. had a branch at Dyer (the largest city in Indiana be-
ginning with a "D"),  should that be "I.U.D.,"  or "IUD"?

We're not going to get excited about periods / no periods in initials
of schools, countries, TV networks, news services and other organ-
izations.  After all,  there are no standards in the 21st century.  But
here's a couplet for strict guidance:
                                                               When in doubt,
                                                                spell it out.

OK (look, Ma! No periods!), there is a standard, even if we have to
be the first to enunciate it:  When the abbreviation consists entirely
of initials,  periods  are  not  needed.  Think FDR, JFK, LBJ (TR, if
you must have a Republican). When the abbreviation  is  contained
within a phrase otherwise spelled out, however, a period is required:
Franklin D. Roosevelt, etc.

The  Random House College Dictionary's  "Basic  Manual  of  Style"
instructs,  "Do not use a period after . . .   initials of military services
and specific military terms:  USA (United States Army),  USAF,  US-
MC . . . PX . . . GI . . . APO. . . ." or "after the initials of certain gov-
ernment agencies . . . NATO, UNICEF, CIA . . . " but to use them for
names of countries: "U.S.S.R. . . . U.S. . . ."  This  is  inconsistent,  at
best; and no explanation or rationale is offered for the distinction be-
tween countries and groups of countries.  Fowler has nothing at all to
say  on the issue.   Even  Patricia  O'Conner,  in  Woe Is I,  says  only,
"More and more abbreviations,  like  MD,  are losing their dots these
days;  so check your dictionary for updates."  And here's an interest-
ing phrase from the November 30 New Yorker, which we are presen-
ting  graphically  so  that  your many e-mail readers out there  do  not
have "their way" with it,  and you will see it as it was printed:   

According to the C.I.A., ISIS has at least twenty thousanand armed fighters

Note that "C.I.A." has dots,  that "ISIS" does not,  and that "ISIS" is
printed in small caps.  What sense does all that make?

Do  the  US Postal Service' two-letter abbreviations for all states  re-
lieve this dichotomy, or further confound it? NY (formerly N.Y.), IA,
ID, IL, IN  (see? There are four eyes, not just three, as baseball fans
would have you believe),  NC, ND, SC, SD (formerly . . . you know);
and what about P.R./PR, which is not quite a state?

Getting back to I.U. IU, the name of a long-time, beloved mid-century
president (and later chancellor) of the university  is  instructive:  Her-
man B Wells.  He had no middle name,  only a middle initial.   The  B
stood for nothing else.  In backroom talk, journalists jokingly referred
to him as "Herman B No Period Wells."

"OK" itself is instructive.  It began as an abbreviation for "Old Kinder-
hook," President Martin Van Buren's New York estate. But as it evolv-
ed,  it became a word unto itself, variantly spelled "okay" and "okeh."
"Okeh"  is obsolete;  "okay" is becoming so,  and  most  grammarians,
writers and journalists seem to prefer "OK" these days.

A social studies teacher at a high school in Elkhart  was suspen-
ded for instructing students to place  "whites only"  and "blacks
only" signs in hallways near drinking fountains and restrooms in
an effort to teach them the feeling of governmental segregation.

                                                                         [courtesy ABC57]

A bobcat kitten (bobkitten?)  hit by a car as she crossed a road
near Bloomington last month is on the mend after pelvis recon-
struction surgery  at the University of Illinois,  and wildcare of-
ficials  hope  she can be reunited  with  her  mother  and  sister,
who were crossing the road with her. . . .

Two legally married lesbian couples sued the state health com-
missioner to have both parties' names listed as parents on their
children's birth certificates. . . .

Governor Mikey "graciously declined" to meet with Syrian ref-
ugees because of a prior engagement. . . .

In what appears to the editors of Tabloid Headlines to  be  an
attempt to avoid being a terrorist target,  Terre Haute is drop-
ping "International" from the name of its airport. New names
under consideration include Indy West Regional Airport  and
Wabash Valley Aeroplex.
                                                  [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Michelle Veness, WF, 5'2", 140 lbs, possession of meth (and firewater); Berrien County Michigan's: Necol Winson, BF, assault with a dangerous weapon (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Off-duty police were denied entry to the "Acoustic Jam" concert
at the Palace Theater in Louisville because they carried guns. . . . .

A Louisville high school science teacher known as  "Mr. Hippo"
was suspended for making  "sexually  inappropriate  comments"
to students.
                                                                          [courtesy WDRB]

Kim Davis attended Governor Matt's inauguration. . . . Kim Da-
vis was nominated for Time magazine's person of the year (and
came in 55th). . . . Kim Davis and Donald Trump  were  named
among Mad magazine's 20 dumbest persons of the year.

                                                  [courtesy AP and other media]

Lexington's most wanted: Sonnie Gilbert, WF, 33, 5'6", 155 lbs; Tara Gray, BF, 32, 5'4", 135 lbs; Sashauna Mullins, WF, 27, 5'3", 145 lbs (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

"I am a Muslim, and there is nothing Islamic about killing innocent people in Paris, San
 Bernardino, or anywhere else in the world."
                                                                            – Muhammad Ali

"Only jerks, or the non-digitally adept, end their text messages with periods. The exclamation point,
  a simple key change, makes a huge difference in determining whether your friend is a dick. To
  avoid confusion, just stick to communicating in emoji."
                                                                                                         – Jessica Roy, New York magazine

"What are the range of reactions?"
                                                            – Audie Cornish, National Public Radio

"I think that's exactly right."
                                                    –   Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat: "It's closer than a hair on a biscuit." – Leonard Simon

December 7:    Noam Chomsky, 87
                                            

                    December 8:    Ann Coulter, 54
                                             Jean Sibelius (1865-1957)
                                            

China ordered owners of cars with even and odd-numbered
license plates to drive  only  on  alternate  days,  to  combat
smog. . . . Porn  star  Stoya  accused porn actor James Deen
of rape. . . .  Bud  Weisser,  19,  was arrested for trespassing
at a Budweiser brewery in St. Louis, Missouri. . . . Britain's
"loneliest  schoolboy,"  a 10-year-old  who is the only child
living on the Scottish island Out Skerries, may get hundreds
of Christmas cards,  thanks to Reddit. . . . A Turkish doctor
was arrested for posting celebrity lookalike images of  Gol-
lum, a character in Lord of the Rings, and President Recep
Tayyip Erdogan. . . .  A burglary suspect hiding in a pond
in Brevard County, Florida, was eaten by an alligator. . . .
A severed pig's head was thrown to the steps of a mosque
in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

                                        [courtesy Harper's, HuffPost, AP]

The president of Mauritania ordered early penalty kicks to
end a national championship soccer match he found boring.

We were visiting our son and daughter-in-law  last weekend.
After using the facilities downstairs, I told her the hand tow-
el was missing.   Guess  what  she  said:   "Well,  that's  what
pants are for!"  She  wasn't  kidding!  Could they be short of
money? Should I send her some towels?
                                                                 Wet Hands in Wisconsin

not browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines (this issue brought
to you by Health Watchers of America):

Wonder Sauna short Hot Pants, Weight-Watchers of America, look better,feel better, wake up your body, for men and women, slenderize exactly where you want, one size fits all - easy to inflate, quickly reduces inches from your hips and thighs, approved AAU USA

Cigarettes kill, and so do we: Islamic State launches anti-smoking campaign (Sun, UK); Anna Nicole's body missing( (Enquirer); Found: Judy Garland's tragic diaries, the night I tried to kill myself, how Marilyn Monroe seduced me, my forbidden love for Frank Sinatra (Examiner)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:

Len wrote Sun 11/29/15 @09:00 EST:

". . . the Statue of Liberty,  George Washington,  Benjamin Franklin
 and Thomas Jefferson huddled around a manger holding the Bill of
 Rights . . . ."?

How appropriately nonsensical and nonhistorical – just like the baby
Jesus thing.

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sat 11/28/15 @23:14 PST:

"You don't have to be blonde to be a dumb cunt"?   In  Britain  and
Los Angeles,  you don't even have to be female.

 
Mildred Jaggers wrote Mon 11/30/2015 from Stanton, Ky.:

My daughter knows why the Powell County boys basketball team
was being investigated by the state police,  and  I'm  not  going  to
tell  you.

Roots and grafts (a Tabloid Headlines editorial):

"Newscasters" were falling all over themselves last Thursday  trying
to determine whether the shooting of 35 persons  in San Bernardino,
California,  on Wednesday – 14  of  them  fatally – was  "terrorism."
What  does  it  take?  Fifteen deaths?  The  assassins  were  Muslim
(with recent travel to the Middle East). What does it take? They had
brought with them four assault rifles, 1,600   rounds  of  ammunition
(and had thousands more at home),  and three pipe bombs (with doz-
ens more at home).  What does it take?

Maybe it takes a lexicographer.  The  definition  of "terrorism" seems
to have changed a little in the last few decades:

  It  used  to  be  simply  "the use of terrorizing methods."  American
    College Dictionary, Random House, 1957, 1984.

  It  used  to  be  "threatening to commit a crime  likely  to  result  in
    death  or  serious physical injury,"  or  "intentionally  making  false
    statements for the  purpose  of  causing  evacuation  of  a  building.
    Kentucky Penal Code,  1974  to  date   (cf.  Justice Oliver Wendell
    Holmes Jr.'s pronouncement about "falsely shouting 'Fire!' in a the-
    ater and causing a panic" in Schenk v. United States, 1919).

  It used to be "the use of force or threats to intimidate."   Webster's
    New World Dictionary, 1983.

But  now,  it  seems,  it's  "the use of violence and intimidation in the
pursuit of political aims" (emphasis added).  Oxford American Dic-
tionary, 2001, MacMillan, 2015 (sim., American Heritage, Merriam-
Webster). But see also old fogies like the Collins English Dictionary:
"Systematic use of violence and intimidation to achieve  some  goal"
(emphasis added).  What does it take?

The newscasters kept searching for a motive,  also.  Here's what we
think:   The rotten Muslim assassins  meant  to  terrorize  the  news-
casters and the lexicographers.  And they succeeded.

And they have brought us to this conclusion:  We do need gun con-
rol.  Limited  gun  control.  The right to bear arms should not be ex-
tended to:
                    Muslims,
                    white men,
                     or police.

Dumb news from Indiana:

South Bend's most wanted: Shanay Henderson, BF, 5'4", 120 lbs, theft; James Vaughn Allen, BM, 5'5", 140 lbs, robbery; Stephanie Williams, WF, 5'5", 130 lbs, robbery (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Fort Wayne North Side High School students were  voting  on
line for a new athletic teams nickname and mascot  to replace
"Redskins."   School officials said there were eight candidates,
but  they were not disclosed, not even in the Fort Wayne Jour-
al Gazette (you reckon they'll follow Goshen's Redhawks?). . . .

A  majority  of   families who  applied for a  pre-school  pilot
program for disadvantaged children in five of the state's larg-
est counties were turned down because funds ran out. . . .

A woman called paramedics to attend a  "Homeless Jesus"  she
thought was real, huddled on a bench at an intersection in Indi-
apolis' downtown. . . .

State police raided cockfight breeders in Elkhart and Marshall
counties, in northern Indiana.
                                                  [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Dumb news from Kentucky:

Chasity [sic] Lewis, 29, of Mount Sterling, was arrested for rolling her 5-day-old baby's pacifier in a crushed suboxone pill, a drug used for treating opiate addiction in expectant mothers (Herald-Leader)

Bethany "Nikki" Thomas, 30, of Campbellsburg, and Megan Elston, 34, of Smithfield, were arrested for the murder of Angela Hall, 34, of LaGrange, with a baseball bat. Three men were arrested with them. (Herald-Leader)

Lexington's most wanted: John Pursifull, WM, 32, 6'0", 150 lbs; Jacqueline Warner, WF, 22, 5'4", 150 lbs; Likuan Clark, BM, 25, 6'1", 173 lbs (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

A  teacher  who had not been able to get a job because,  she  said,
she does "no sex" asked the Lexington City Council to extend the
same protections to celibates that are extended to gays  (she  said
also that she is  "not  gay" – but if she does "no sex,"  how would
she know?  (If you click the video,  take  note  of the  color of her
hair; and watch the guy in the red shirt in the audience.)

                                                                          [courtesy YouTube]

Aptly named crematorium:  Burnham & Son, Bowling Green, Ky.

Dumb news from Indiana, Kentucky and Illinois:

Kentucky's Governor Stevie settled on Abraham Lincoln  for  the name
of the new bridge connecting Louisville with  Jeffersonville,  Indiana –
Col. Chickenites, eat your hearts out (it won't be the first bridge named
for the Kentucky-born President, who grew up in Indiana and settled in
Illinois, nor the second).
                                                                                      [courtesy WDRB]

Unisex name of the week:  Winfred / Winifred.


There was a three-way tie in the favorite musician names poll:   Yusuf Islam
                                                                                                       Yusef Lateef
                                                                                                       Mose Rager

The entirely assumed names,  by the way,  were Adam Ant,  Yusuf Islam,
Yusef Lateef, Tupak Shakur, Shorty Shitstain and Cat Stevens (same per-
son as Yusuf Islam; he changed his phony name).

Quotation of the week:

"The towels were so thick in that hotel I could hardly close my suitcase."
                                                                                                                        – Yogi Berra

Quotations of the weak (give radio announcers microphones, and they'll mangle the language):

"Just what is the criteria that you use?"
                                                                 – Indira Lakshmanan, National Public Radio's Here & Now
" . . . Sad Berdadido . . . ."
                                                        – Joe Corcoran, WKYU-FM, Bowling Green, Ky.

Quotations repeated every week:

"That's exactly right."
                                         –   Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat: "I went to the dentist because my teeth were getting yellow.   He said  to wear a brown tie." – Leonard Simon

Quotations of our other acquaintances:

"Too much is more than enough."
                                                              – John M. Greer

Funny beer brands:  Hoegarden (a Belgian wheat beer).


Birthdays:
                   November 30:  Desirée Annette Weeks ("Des'ree"), 47
                                            Bo Jackson, 53
                                           

Jonathan Swift (1667-1745), "Mark Twain" (1835-1910)

                                            Johann Dilliger (1593-1647)
                    December 1:    Raymond Edward "Gilbert" O'Sullivan, 69
                                            "Woody" Allen Konigsberg, 80
                    December 2:    Britney Spears, 34
                                             Monica Seles, 42
                                             Lucy Liu, 47
                    December 3:    Jaye P. Morgan, 84
                                             Jean-Luc Godard, 85            December 4:
                                            

Joseph Conrad (1857-1924), Thomas Carlyle (1797-1881)

                    December 5:     José Carreras, 69
                                             "Little" Richard Penniman, 83
                                             Martin Van Buren (1782-1862)
                    December 6:    Joyce Kilmer (1886-1918)

Deaths:
                Lynda Leayn Bazaar, 65
                Biff D. Guenthenspberger, 58
                                                                        [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:

A former Islamic extremist said it's OK to call out Mus-
lims for espousing a theocracy. . . . Police in Paris fired
tear gas at demonstrators protesting greenhouse gas. . . .
.  .  . Saudi Arabia's Justice Ministry said it would sue a
"Tweeter" who denounced the death penalty given to a
poet for apostasy. . . . The Islamic State (ISIS, ISIL) be-
gan an antismoking campaign.
                                                 [courtesy Harper's, NPR]

       

Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Reagan Gemberling, WF, 27, 5'1", 120 lbs, possession of dangerous drugs (and firewater) (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

The sports:

Former National Football League quarterback Tim Tebow
was  dumped  by former Miss USA Olivia Culpo  because
he wouldn't sleep with her.

Dear Eleanor:

When my brother comes home from college,  he stays up until
3 in the morning, sleeps until 2 in the afternoon, and leaves his
chores and homework until the very last minute. I don't under-
stand  why he doesn't keep  a  regular  sleep  schedule  or  take
care of his homework and chores early in the week. He dumps
his laundry on the floor and "forgets" about it until  he  has  no
clothing left,  something that stresses him out  and  makes  him
lash out at me. And he complains to me about incidents that oc-
curred years ago and still make him angry.

I've tried to talk to my mother about it,  but  I  end  up  sounding
like a broken record. "Steve" manages to be responsible for him-
self  at school,  so  why  doesn't  that  responsibility  follow  him
home?
                                                                    Pulling My Hair Out

Dear Sister:
                          Or are you his mother?


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "WWW daemon apache"
        titled "Fw: new message."


People Dogs who invited us to be their "friends" on Clutterbook Facebook in the last week included

Gus Canine Obediance school

DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Michelle "MeMe"
Mikesell, of the Los Angeles, California, recycling program,  and
Re Re, cashier at Kroger in Bowling Green, Kentucky.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett

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Borf Books borf@borfents.com        Ideas for a Better America Box 413                                                 The Columbus Book of Euchre Brownsville KY 42210            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer    270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor