:

An Anderson man who complained of  abuse  by  police
got a $2,000 settlement a week later. . . .

Columbus, Ohio, with a population of 860,090, overtook
Indianapolis as the nation's 14th largest city. . . .

Dozens of graduates and their families walked out as Vice
President Mikey began his commencement address  at the
University of Notre Dame. . . .

Rocky, a tiny Mi-Ki dog, was attacked by a goose in South
Bend and lost an eye.
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

lucktuch.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Dylan Griffin, WM, 5'9", 165 lbs, resisting (Michiana Crime Stoppers); Berrien County, Michigan's: Robert Lee Corzine, a/k/a Stan Seaton, WM, failure to register; Lexington, Kentucky's: Luck Tuach, BM, 32, 5'10", 180 lbs, assault (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)

Five teen-agers were arrested for breaking into Dunbar High
School in Lexington,  closed  for  the  summer,  to loiter and
chew tobacco in the wee hours  (another group was cited for
for drinking at the baseball field). . . .

A Louisville  man urinated while confessing to murder. . . .

A troop leader in Floyd County  was  arrested  for  stealing
thousands of boxes of Girl Scout cookies. . . .

A Boy Scout troop leader in Boyd County was charged with
soliciting a minor by internet and possession of child pornog-
raphy.
                                                                    [courtesy LEX18]

Signs posted at the Bank of Edmonson County,  in  Browns-
ville,  said it would be closed Monday "in honor of Memor-
ial Day"  (not  "in memory" of American soldiers who died
in Civil and foreign wars).
                                            [a Tabloid Headlines exclusive]


Courthouse Square,  Brownsville  [Tabloid Headlines photo]

dumpster.jpg No dumping: Dumpster not for public use

Trixie, a 13-year-old Maltese dog missing from her Bowling
Green home for 2½ years,  turned up in a Wal-Mart parking
lot in Turlock, California, was identified at an animal shelter
by telephone numbers in her microchip and was flown home
to her family.
                                              [courtesy Park City Daily News]

hervilla.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Samuel Herschell Clauder, 65, blonde hair, blue eyes, 300 lbs, 6'1", violation of probation, possession of marijuana o/50 lbs u/200 lbs; Carol Lynn Villa, 43, brown hair, brown eyes, 170 lbs, 6'3", violation of probation, fraudulent use/poss of identifying information; Laura Lee Ramos, 36, black hair, brown eyes, 155 lbs, 5'0", bond revocation, possession of controled substance

It was a tragedy in Manchester, but who – what? – is Ariana Grande?

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "Excuse me, miss, but I'm a professional – I've been looking at women   my entire life – and you're one good-looking woman!" – Leonard Simon

isralexs.jpg Wanted in Waco: Israel A. Salazar-Tovar, WM, 21, 5'10", assault, marijuana; Alexis Johnson, BF, 20, 5'7", 150 lbs, theft; Lauren LaMadrid, WF, a/k/a Lily of the West, 26, 4'11", 100 lbs, organized crime; Roshun Crane, BM, 32, 5'9", 170 lbs, aggravated assault (Waco Crime Stoppers)

A creepy clown was arrested for scaring motorists in Witcher Creek,
West Virginia. . . . A  sea  lion  dragged a 9-year-old girl off a pier in
British  Columbia  (there's  video). . . . A woman arrested for DUI in
Taunton, Massachusetts,  had a lizard in her bra. . . . A wounded ele-
phant fell on the hunter that shot it, and both died. . . .An 89-year-old
man crashed into a fire hydrant and drowned in Viera, Florida. . . .U-
nited Parcel Service was fined $247 million for shipping untaxed cig-
arrettes in New York.
                                                          [courtesy LEX18, NBC.com, AP]

briansav.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Brian Payne, WM, 33, 5'10", 215 lbs, injury to a child with DUI with open container; Savannah Cox, WF, 32, 5'4", 150 lbs, possession of constrolled subst.; Jerry Reeves, WM, 50, 6'0", 260 lbs, meth (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

Vice President Mikey is back home again in Indiana
for the 500 Mile Race in Indianapolis – which is no
longer run on either Memorial Day  – the real Mem-
orial Day,  which this year is Tuesday (May 30),  or
the Manic Mandated Always on Monday Memorial
Day (tomorrow, May 29) – but today, the Sunday be-
fore Memorial Day, whenever Memorial Day is. . . .


    And, uh, er, why does the roster list the heights and not the weights?  –  Editor . . .

lifegray.jpg Life Saver Dude: Got beef? Try wearing those protective goggles over the mouth . . . Brittany Gray, Jr., R/R, 5'11", Greenwood, Ind., relief pitcher, University of Georgia softball team, correct spelling!

The Pittsburgh Penguins will fac3 the  Nashville  Preda-
tors in the (inter)National Hockey League's Stanley Cup
championship series, beginning tomorrow. . . .

The Preakness was Always Dreaming's nightmare.

After more than 40 years of devotion to my husband,
I have finally realized what a stonehearted jerk he is.
I have done everything in my power to love, respect
and  encourage  him.  But I've fallen into a pattern of
picking  up  the  pieces  of my heart and overlooking
my own hurt in order to give him another chance and
keep peace in our home.

All of this is "not important" to him,  he  has  told  me
numerous times.  My marriage is terribly lonely. Year
after year his disinterest and disregard for my feelings
have chipped away at the love I once had.  I've fought
hard to stay in his life, and he tells me, "So what?" and
"Leave if you want to." My pleadings fall on deaf ears,
and he refuses to discuss it.

I have raised our children and worked beside him and
outside the home also.  This is obviously not how I en-
visioned our retirement, but I have had enough and am
finally ready to begin a new life without him.    Where
do I start?
                                                                     Beyond Sad

joyhelen.jpg Wanted in Wchita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Joy Delaine Sanderson, WF, 48, 5'6", 140 lbs, red hair, green eyes, a/k/a Helen Christine Williams, burglary, probation violation; Jennifer Anne Orti, WHF, 40, 5'3", 230 lbs, brown hair, blue eyes, possession of controlled substance; Mandi Kay Roush, WF, 37, 5'7", 150 lbs, brown hair, blue eyes, tattoo on neck, possession of controlled substance; Helen Christine Williams, BF, 37, 5'9", 160 lbs, black hair, brown eyes, a/k/a Joy Delaine Sanderson, theft, probation violation (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

:

Putting one little word after another, and,
is there anything whorisher  than a wom-
an in a Viagra commercial  (or Cialis, or
Levitra)?

 The old Days Inn Holiday Inn at Battleground, closed since 2003 and
 regarded as Greater Lafayette's worst eyesore,  has been sold and will
 become a hotel again . . .

A  semitrailer  nearly  destroyed  a 156-year-old  covered
bridge near Bloomingdale by trying to cross it. . . .

Dick Van Dyke will receive the America's Clown award at
the Red Skelton Festival in Vincennes this summer. . . .

A man escaped injury when he crashed a snowmobile into
a fence in Huntington (no, there was no snow). . . .

A 4-year-old Amish boy fell from a buggy and died in La-
Grange County.
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]



Ball State University's "Gum Tree" (on which students pasted
their used chewing gum) was cut down in Muncie.

                                                      [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
                                                   
                                                        [courtesy Edmonson News]

iszic'17.jpg Congratulations Iszic! Class of 2017 - from Dad E

"Neither  snow  nor rain  nor heat  nor gloom of night  stays
 these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed
 rounds"  –  but snakes stopped mail delivery on Broadview
 Avenue in Lexington. . . .

The Estill County Animal Shelter planned to begin "euthani-
zing" animals, mostly abandoned dogs, this week because of
overcrowding  (funny way to spell "killing" – funny  way  to
spell "shelter"). . . .

Therapy horses have been introduced to the Greater Cincinna-
ti Airport in Boone County, Kentucky.
                                                                      [courtesy LEX18]

karenabd.jpg Lexington's most wanted (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader) Karen Carrizales, Native American F, 50, 5'5", 220 lbs, "featured fugitive of the week," forgery; Amanda Mitchell, WF, 33, 5'4", 135 lbs, firewater in prohibited container; Abdel Hejazi, M, 28, refusal to disclose race or nationality, refusal to be weighed or measured; Kiana Bonner, BF, 39, 5'5", 180 lbs, overstay at China Buffet; Tobeshia Denton, BF, 37, 5'0", 185 lbs, same buffet, different day

Emma was the most popular name for baby girls in Ohio, Indi-
ana and Kentucky,  and  the  nation,  in 2016,  according to the
Social Security Administration.  Ranked  2 through 5  in  Ken-
tucky  were  Ava, Olivia, Harper, and Isabella.   Liam  was the
most popular name for boys in Ohio;  Oliver,  in  Indiana,  and
William,  in Kentucky.   Ranked 2 through 5 in Kentucky were
Elijah, James, Noah and Liam.  (And where, you ask, did John
and Mary go?)
                                                                        [courtesy LEX18]

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "In a relationship, nobody wins with a head butt." – Leonard Simon

sophbrit.jpg Wanted in Waco, Sophie Monroe, BF, 62, coke (and firewater); Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansaas, Brittany Grothe, WF, 31, 5'5", 110 lbs, forgery (and another of the 142 different ways to spell Brittany) (Waco, Abilene Crime Stoppers); New perp name of the week: Mantraze Landrum, BM, 26, 5'8", 150 lbs, wanted in Waco for assault; perp name runner-up Cornelius Davion Wigfall, Wichita Falls, Texas, below*

Beyondsay Beyoncé led all with seven nominations for Black Entertain-
ment Television awards. . . . A rapper was arrested after a performance
in Rogers, Arkansas, for inciting a riot. . . . A pastor crossing a river in
Zimbabwe to demonstrate how Jesus walked on the water was eaten by
three crocodiles. . . . The book 13 Reasons Why was pulled from Mesa
County,  Colorado's,  school library bookshelves after a seventh recent
suicide. . . . Passengers had to be walked down from a roller coaster at
Kings Island amusement park in Ohio when the power failed. . . . A po-
liceman overdosed on powder he wiped off his shirt after a drug arrest
in East Liverpool, Ohio. . . . NATO was limiting speeches at the upcom-
ing summit to 4 minutes each to accommodate Donald Trump's attention
span. . . . Public Policy Polling found that more Americans now support
than oppose impeaching President Trump. . . . For the second week in a
row, Harper's devoted its entire Weekly Review to the Donald. . . . Jen-
nifer Lawrence was unapologetic for a drunken  pole  dance  in Vienna,
Austria  (there's video,  but it's of low quality). . . . Melania Trump went
scarfless in Saudi Arabia.
                                                                [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

cornedom.jpg Texomas' most wanted fugitives of the week: Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Cornelius Davion Wigfall, 26, black h, brown e, 155 lbs, 5'5", failure to comply with registration and blue gown requirements; Dominique A. Sanders, 32, black h, brown e, 183 lbs, 5'9", violation of probation, secure/execute document deception o/$1,500 - u/$10,000 (Wichita Falls Crime Stoppeers)

A fan fell over a railing in right field to his death in
Wrigley  Field  leaving a baseball game in Chicago
(the Cubs beat the Reds 9-5).

I recently discovered that my wife,  mother of our
three children,  is my half-sister.  We are both the
children of  lesbians – my mother was a single pa-
rent,  hers,  part of a couple.  They went to differ-
ent sperm banks;  but so, apparently, did our fath-
er.  She met our father when she was 18, but I on-
ly  now  found out,  through sperm bank research;
and she doesn't know  that her father is my father
also.  Should I tell her?
                                       Incestuous in Indianapolis

But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject lines or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)


           

:

More than 100 cell phones were found in the car of a prison guard
in  Pendleton  (he was arrested for trafficking with an inmate  and
bribery). . . .

A congressman's wife was getting $20,000 a month in lawyer fees
from Fishers, an Indianapolis suburb. . . .

An Indianapolis man got  a  ticket  for  animal  cruelty  for using a
plastic bat to hit a goose that was attacking his 4-year-old son. . . .

A deer licked the barrel of a turkey hunter's shotgun in Hendricks
County (there's video).
                                                      [courtesy Columbus Republic]

A $200,000 sculpture in downtown Lafayette titled "What lines?"
became a hazard to pedestrians 6 feet tall and taller.

                                                          [courtesy Journal & Courier]

           

tyreshia.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Tyreshia Gibbs, BF, 5'1", 130 lbs, motor vehicle theft; Michael Jackson, BM, 5'6", 170 lbs, criminal confinement; Alicia Jones, WF, 5'7", 165 lbs, DUI (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

ducanvas.jpg Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Duprice Lemont Rice, BM, obstructing a police officer; William Eugene Booker, BM, domestic violence; Canvas Novell Smith, BF, assault by strangulation; Jaton Altavese Gunn, BM, obstructing a police officer (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

A 19-year-old man was arrested for driving with a passenger
on the roof of his car in downtown Wingo (four other passen-
gers were released to the custody of their parents). . . .

The mayor of Taylorsville  was cited for harboring a vicious
animal after his Australian shepherd dog bit a second woman
in his neighborhood (it was not reported whether he was rela-
ted to or in league with the mayor of Danville). . . .

The state Court of Appeals upheld a Lexington company's re-
fusal to print Gay Pride festival shirts.
                                                                    [courtesy LEX18]

moontat1.jpg The "Moonshyne" Tattoo Parlor muscled out the "Shear Bliss" beauty salon at 411 S. Main St. in Brownsville. Open at noon six days a week, never closed (except on Sundays). Don't take yer love to town. "This is where I poo!"

    

 moontat2.jpg No one under 16 allowed inside; Moonshyne's Tattoo Parlor, (270) 597-8034, Open Mon-Sat open Noon Sunday closed (Tabloid Headlines photos)

     

A motorist who drove around a crossing gate and got
hit by a train was arrested for DUI in Lexington. . . .

A retired Social Security judge pleaded guilty in Lex-
ington to taking $609,000 in bribes.
                                                                       [LEX18]

gertjohn.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Gertrude Winkler, WF, 33, 5'3", 126 lbs, "Glad to be here!"; Kimberly Blackford, BF, 30, 5'3", 180 lbs, "Not me" ; Nicole Taylor, WF, 33, 5'3", 180 lbs, "I went to the China Buffet with Kimberly Blackford" (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader); Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Johnny Baker, WM, 27, 5'6", 130 lbs, injury to a child (or, is he the child?) (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

"We have folks who try to get pregnant in this state so that they can get a  free  trip  to the city, and
  we have folks who want to carry their baby past the point of being able to have an abortion in this
  state so that they can have a free trip to Seattle."
                                                                                    – Alaska State Rep. David Eastman (R-Wasilla)

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "Alcohol and drugs are like fucking a gorilla:  It's all good until you are ready   to quit but they're not." – Leonard Simon

Juan Pedro Franco, 33, of Mexico, 1,311 pounds, lost 385 of those
pounds to be able to  undergo  gastric  bypass  surgery. . . . Ronnie
Brower lost 458 pounds  from  675  (that leaves him at 217, folks)
and got married to Andrea Masella, who lost 120 of her own from
250 (now at 130),  in Syracuse,  New York. . . . Bristol  Palin  had
her third baby  (second by Dakota Meyer). . . . The Guinness Book
of World Records abandoned its recognition of  longest  note  held
on a wind instrument set by saxophonist Kenneth Bruce "Kenny G"
Gorelick 20 years ago but broken twice – the first time 17 years ago
but not recognized, and the second, two weeks ago (and now we're
getting to Guinness' frustration).
                                                                       [courtesy LEX18, AP]

      More than a week after the running of the Kentucky Derby, judges have
      not yet chosen the winning hat. . . .

State police were reported to have whisked Kentucky Secretary of State Alice in
Wonderland's Groin Alison Lundergan Grimes to the Derby at 100 miles per hour. . . .

An unentered kangaroo hopped into a horse race in Australia (there's video). . . .

C. M. Newton Field, name of the playing grounds at Kroger Field, the  new name
of the University of Kentucky football stadium (formerly Commonwealth Stadium),
was being renamed "C. M. Newton Grounds at Kroger Field."  Newton was a bas-
ketball and baseball player for the University and once its athletic director, but got
his fame as basketball coach at Alabama and Vanderbilt. . . .

A New York City man has flushed the ashes of a late friend, a plumber, down toilets
in 16 major league baseball stadiums and is intent on completing the task in all stadia.

I'm a columnist who writes various news, feature and
column stories.  The other day a reader chewed me out
for challenging their program.

It's hard being a young writer.  Facing criticism for do-
ing my job makes it even harder.  I  work  long  hours
and I pour my life into my work.  After being chewed
out, I couldn't get past it.  I suffer from severe anxiety;
so everything gets to me.  I sit here every day thinking
about how I'm not going to let this irritate me anymore,
but it still does.  How can I let this go?
                                                                Stressed Reporter

lifefoun.jpg Life Saver Dude: Please do not spit tobacco products in water fountain. Tobacco? What about snot, Dude? Vomit? Spittle?

:

Stephen Yates wrote Sun 4/23/17 @16:35 CDT:

Dang Dong?  Isn't that an expression of erectile dysfunction?

   * Pujo  (nickname  –  his real name is Reese,
      after  Pee Wee)  is Borf Books'  office  dog.
      He was dropped here,  as  a  stray,  about 8
      months  ago.   Our  roving  reporter,   Steve
      Yates,  figured he had been  Granny' s  dog,
      Granny died,  and the boys wanted  nothing
      to do with him.

cjuopujo.jpg Canine unalikes, Cujo, Pujo

It turns out that the "Heil Trump," "fag church" and swastika
on the Episcopal Church in Bean Blossom, which allows gay
weddings,  were painted by  the  church  organist,  a gay man
from Bloomington who feared for the nation's future after the
election.
                                                 [courtesy Columbus Republic]

tabijess.jpg Waned in South Bend, Indiana: Tabias Davis, tabijess.jpg Waned in South Bend, Indiana: Tabias Davis, BM, operator never licensed; Berrien County, Michigan: Nyokee Latreece McIntosh, BF, assault with a dangerous weapon (Michiana Crime stoppers; Lexington, Kentucky: Zachariah Burchfield, WM, 21, 5'9", 130 lbs, white lust; Jessica Whalen, WF, 19, 5'3", 115 lbs, not quite what Zach was looking for (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

A drunk driving suspect chased from Maryland into Penn-
sylvania identified herself as Hillary Clinton when she was
stopped (actually it was Holly Lynn Donahoo, 36, of Louis-
ville, Kentucky). . . .

The University of Kentucky football arena, Commonwealth
Stadium, was renamed Kroger Field.
                                                                  [courtesy LEX18]

Despite  cancellation of their organized counterdemonstra-
tion, counterprotesters outnumbered white supremacists a-
bout 200 to 125 on the streets of Pikeville last weekend.

                                          [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

"People don’t ask that question, but why was there a Civil War?  Why could that one not have been
  worked out?"
                             – The Donald

"They haven't worked it out yet."
                                                        – Jane Etta Darrig
"That was some weird shit."
                                                  – George W. Bush, as he left President Trump's inauguration

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says): "They found the Mormons.  Why can't they find Bigfoot?" – Leonard Simon

crossing.jpg Trump crossing the Delaware (with Frederick Douglass)

"Extremely rare photo found of George Washington crossing the Savannah Riv-
  er headed to Fort Sumter in South Carolina  after burning Atlanta  to  meet  up
  with General Patton to free the slaves  prior  to  attending the Spoleto Festival
  in Charleston."

"But everyone knows it was the Rubicon that Washington crossed."

"Wow!  What a find!  And I thought they only had B&W photos back in Wash-
  ington's time."

"I'm waiting for the video."

"Washington's Crossing, Pennsylvania, is only half a mile north of where I-95
  crosses the Delaware River. Why didn't Washington just take the interstate?"

"That's because the Christie administration had the lanes blocked."

"The pole bearer and the center flag commemorate the Bowling Green Massacre."

"Had Andrew Jackson been a little later, you wouldn’t have had the Civil War. He
  was a very tough person, but he had a big heart.  He was really angry that he saw
  what was happening with regard to the Civil War."

                                                                                            – compiled by J. Ewing

tinanino.jpg Wanted in Waco: Christina Nicole Hunsucker, WF, 27, 5'4", 160 lbs, probation violation, fraud, homewrecking; Antwion Haynes, BM, 27, 5'10", 165 lbs, assault on a public servant; Amanda C. Nino, HF, 23, 5'4", 140 lbs, burglary of a habitation, hunsucking (City of Waco)

A crematorium in Cincinnati, Ohio, caught fire while burning the remains of
an "overly obese" body,  according to the mortician. . . . A  North  Dakotan
was stopped for going 168 kilometers an hour in Manitoba  (he'd have been
nearly 5 m.p.h. over the limit even if the posted 100 speed limit had been in
miles per hour, not kilometers). . . . Prince Philip announced his retirement.

                                                                                    [courtesy LEX18, AP]

lorezleo.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Damn Lorezo Ferguson, 25, black hair, brown eyes, 145 lbs, 5'7", bond revocation, possession of controlled substance o/4g - u/400g; Leopoldo Medina Flores, 53, black hair, brown eyes, 150 lbs, 5'6", violation of probation, possession of controlled substance (Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week, Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers)

arroleak.jpg

   Cincinnati Reds pitcher Bronson Arroyo (left) and Cardinals pitcher Mike
   Leake (right),  former  teammates,  faced off in a National League baseball
   game in St. Louis a week ago in which the loser was to get a Mohawk hair-
   cut.  The Reds won, 5-4,  but neither Arroyo nor Leake got credit or blame
   for the win or the loss. . . .

The National Football League's late  Aaron  Hernandez,
who died in jail  of  suicide,  was reported  to  have  left
one of three suicide notes for his prison boy friend and
to have murdered one man in 2013  to  keep  him  from
revealing Hernandez' sexuality.

A couple of months ago my husband and I received a
nice "save the date" announcement for a  wedding  in
a town nearby.  There were nice photos of the couple
on the card.  But – we have no idea who they are. We
called family to ask if they had received this too, like,
maybe it was a long lost relative. I checked social me-
dia on line, thinking we might have friends in common,
but we don't.

I'm hoping the actual invitation will offer more clues,
but maybe it was intended for someone else who may
not be  "saving the date";  and it may cause tension in
the couple's family.  What would be proper when the
invitation arrives?
                                                Wondering in Wisconsin

lifetowt.jpg Life Saver Dude: Dudes! Take a burro next time you go through the mountains (Kara Saffrin and Amanda Charlo wait for tow truck in Colorado)