August
26, 2018: Things you would never know
if you did not browse the tab-
loids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket – the week's
headlines:
Angelina
loses, the kids choose Brad (Enquirer); Husband No. 4, Angie marrying
again, he's an English billionaire (In Touch); L.A. Chinese nightclub
hostess Marianna Liu, Nixon's secret mistress tells all after 44 years
(Globe); Frank Sinatra murdered Marilyn Monroe (Examiner); Bruce Lee
body stolen by Chinese gangsters (Globe); Harry 'over the moon', Two
girls for Meghan, 'We're naming them Diana and Elizabeth' (Life &
Style)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Connie Harbeson wrote
Sun 8/19/18 @09:13 EDT:
I heard there was a young
lawyer named Don Mc-
Ghan who just passed the bar in Illinois and chan-
ged his name to Chingachgook.
Unisex
name of the week: Dale.
Dumb news from Indiana:
Two Amish women in
their 70's pleaded guilty to practicing
midwifery
without a license in Adams County;
allegations
included use of veterinary medicine in childbirth. .
. .
Star Wars actor Adam Driver,
featured in the new film BlacK-
KKlansman, made waves telling about Ku Klux Klan
activity
in his childhood home town Mishawaka, in northern
Indiana.
Meanwhile, the Klan scheduled a "kookout"
next month in
Madison, in Southern Indiana. . . .
Some Purdue University students walked out of an
orientation
performance by comedian Andy
Gross, which they found
gross.
[courtesy Columbus
Republic]
matthash.jpg
South Bend's most wanted: Matthew Coop, WM, 5' 10", 155 lbs, probation
viol. (fraud); Ashley Lema, WF, 5'5", 120 lbs, marijuana, meth, legend
drug injection device; Nathan Smith, WM, 5'9", 145 lbs, habitual
traffic offender, failure to appear; Jaymi Oler, WF, 5'3", 145 lbs,
theft x2; Berrien County, Michigan's: April Sharee Leatherwood, BF,
assault with dangerous weapon (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Regulators abandoned a
rule requiring schoolteachers to ac-
quire master's
degrees within 10 years of their first employ-
ment. . . .
A bill was
filed in the legislature to require the posting of
"In
God We Trust" in "prominent locations" in all publichttps://members.tripod.com/%7EBorf_Books/TabHeads/TH1808.html/nicoljen.jpg
schools. . . .
New statutes already on the books
include one requiring
public middle and high schools to provide instruction on
the Holocaust
and other genocides and one specifically
criminalizing shitting, pissing or spitting on a cop.
. . .
A Lexington priest launched his own spaghetti sauce, "Miss
Marie's," named after his mother (and made from her
reci-
pe). . . .
The state fair's "ham
what am" was auctioned off for $2,-
800,000. . . .
The Heaven
Hill distillery, of Bardstown, sued Bob Dylan's
Heaven's Door
whiskeys, in Chicago, Illinois, for trademark
infringement.
[courtesy LEX18]
kellyvic.jpg
Lexington's most wanted: Kelly Rady, WF, 42,, 5'9", 180 lbs,
upsmithery; Victoria Turner, WF, 36, 5'3", 102 lbs, smobery; Rachel
Pelfrey, 33, robbery (pulled kicking & screaming from the
Herald-Leader)
padperp6.jpg
Perps in Paducah: James L. Burkeen, 58; Taryn D. Ridgeway, 32; Arnita
Martin, 49; Audrionna Wiggins, 25 (McCracken County Sheriff)
Quotations
of the week:
"To lift ideas from one person is
called
plagiarism; to
lift from many
is called
research."
–
Boswell
Rabbitsmith
"Truth isn't truth."
–
Rudolph
Giulani
Quotations
of the weak:
"ubiquous"
–
Claudia Rankine,
poet and
author, on NPR
(@2:12)
"That
is where my career really took a drastic 160-degree turnaround."
– Aretha Franklin (in a 1999
interview repeated on Nation-
al
Public Radio's
Fresh
Air last Sunday (about 15:04)
"America . . . was never that
great. . . .
Of course,
America is
great."
– Andrew
Cuomo
Classic
Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said April 19,
2015):
"Married men don't
live longer; it just seems that way to them."
–
Leonard Simon
|
|
Funny beer brands: Trolly Stop.
Dept. of correct speech:
In a five-minute interview
on National Public Radio,
Hawaii
Governor David Ige made four mentions of
"Hawaii island" and none of the "big island" or "Big
island," or "main island" or "Main island."
Birthdays:
August 20: Robert Plant, 70
Ron Paul, 83
Don King, 87
August 21: Usain Bolt, 32
Amy Fisher, 44
Kenny Rogers, 80
August 22: Carl Yastrzemski, 79
Honor Blackman, 93
Holly Dunn
(1959-2016)
August 23: Mark Russell, 86
Barbara Eden,
87
Vera Miles, 89
August 24: Mason Williams, 80
Mike
Huckabee, 63
August 25: Regis Philbin, 87
Sean Connery, 88
Leonard Bernstein (1918-1990)
Ivan the
Terrible (1530-1584)
August
26: Macaulay Culkin, 38
Deaths:
John McCain, 81
Robin Leach, 76
Mary M. Woods Goffner Brown, 92
Maudine Womack, 91
[Louisville
Courier-Journal]
jenbryun.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Jennifer Karen
Jesse, WF, 39, 5'0", 140 lbs, probation violation (burglary); Bryanua
Chapel Carr, BF, a/k/a Bre, 34, 5'8", 145 lbs, tattooed shoulder,
domestic violence; Cassandra Ann Mitchell-Hamilton, BF, a/k/a Precious
A. Belmont, 28, 5'7", 247 lbs, Yorkshire hog, tattoos right leg, neck,
chest, right thigh ("Tyrea" w/wheat & rose), back ("Frank"), left
ankle ("Danalie"), probation vol. (marijuana dist.); Laurette Joanna
Sophia Patterson, WF, 30, 5'3", 145 lbs, prob. viol. (theft) (Sedgwick
County Sheriff)
Borf 's
weekly BONUS:
"Gender neutral" bathrooms
were installed at North
Kansas City High
School (where a "trans" student was crowned homecoming "queen"
in
2015) in Missouri, in two sixth grade centers and in two new
elemen-
tary schools. . . . Actress Asia
Argento, 42, one of Harvey Weinstein's
accusers, paid a settlement to a young male actor who accused
her of
sexually assaulting him when he was 17. . . . The Miami Herald
endor-
sed a candidate for Congress who said she boarded an alien
space ship
when she was 7 and has been communicating with extraterrestrials
ev-
er since. . . . Ordained Baptist minister Omarosa Manigault
Newman's
Unhinged,
a memoir about her time as a reality-TV star and Trump ad-
ministration employee, wrote that President Trump is "just on
this side
of functionally literate," liked appointing generals to White
House po-
sitions because it made him look "bad-ass," nicknamed
Education Sec-
retary Betsy DeVos "Ditzy DeVos," called Attorney General Jeff
Ses-
sions "truly great" and "world class legal mind" but referred to
him as
"Benjamin Button" behind his back, alluded to "wonderful
person"
press secretary Sean Spicer as "Men's Wearhouse" and son-in-law
and
senior adviser Jared Kushner as "a little sweet," called
Kellyanne Con-
way’s husband George "FLIP" and "Goo-Goo," deemed his son Don-
ald Trump Jr. "a fuck=up" and labeled the prime minister of
Monteneg-
ro a "whiny punk bitch" after shoving him out of the way at a
NATO
summit group photo. . . . PETA persuaded Nabisco to release the
Anim-
al
Crackers from their cages. . . . DNA research revealed
that penguins
do not mate
for life. . . .Two federal air marshals were removed from
a
United Air Lines flight in Minneapolis, Minnesota, for toting guns. . .
.
A lawyer for Aerosmith's
Steven Tyler sent a "cease and desist" letter
to the White House with a demand to stop using his songs at
Trump ral-
lies. . . . A woman was killed by her
own dog in Cincinnati, Ohio; po-
lice found the woman in her home with the dog standing over
her and
shot the dog to death when it lunged at them, and one of
their bullets
struck the dead woman.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18,
AP]
![camachzo.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Adan Cavazos, WM, 68, fake auto lic.; [escaped before we could write her ID]; Crhistina Camacho, WF, 39, mobery; Rhonda Wyatt, WF, 31, inj. child, eld.; Marimar Aviles, WF, 23, mobery; Samantha Skains, WF, 27, burglary; Desirée Timms, WF, 27, possession, NOL; Holly Coats, WF, 19, mobery](camachzo.jpg)
camachzo.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Adan
Cavazos, WM, 68, fake auto lic.; [escaped before we could write her
ID]; Crhistina Camacho, WF, 39, mobery; Rhonda Wyatt, WF, 31, inj.
child, eld.; Marimar Aviles, WF, 23, mobery; Samantha Skains, WF, 27,
burglary; Desirée Timms, WF, 27, possession, NOL; Holly Coats, WF, 19,
mobery
[Note: Those listed as charged with
"mobery" actually had charges listed "misc. comm.," but we
don't know what
that means. Can anyone help us?]
The sports:
Pro golfer Kevin
Stadler slammed his club into the turf
and his foot in a tournament in Portland, Oregon; the
club shattered, and a piece of it his a spectator in the
head, requiring six stitches.
Dear Eleanor:
It
is important to have etiquette on the phone,
no matter with whom you are speaking. When
you take the time to
call someone but the per-
son is preoccupied, talks
over you, or doesn't
say "Excuse me"
when someone in the room
is speaking to them while
you're on the phone,
it's only normal to want to end
the call.
This has been
happening to me with family my
whole life. I have
finally started speaking up
about how much it bothers me,
only to be told,
"Well, if someone is talking to
me what do you
want me to do?" or "If I'm needed
what do you
want me to do?" I tell
these people to say "ex-
cuse me" or
that we should talk another time.
This happened to me today;
and I said, "I can't
do this any more." Then I hung up.
Another pet
peeve of mine is talking to someone
who parrots back the
information. I have asked
family members so many
times not to
do a play-
by-play on the phone, but it hasn't
helped. It is
a huge
hardship and can be completely depres-
sing
and stressful to call. Because it's
family,
you
just know that it will never end if it hasn't
by now. So to the
families and friends guilty of
this: You know who
you are. Please be consid-
erate when you are on the phone
with someone.
No
More Calls for Me
Dear NoMo:
You got it backward,
Honey Bee. It is the caller
who is rude, not the person
called. When you call
someone on the
telephone, unless it is a regular call
or prearranged, you are interrupting
them. You do
not know
whether you will catch them on the stool,
or sleeping, or taking a shower,
or in a card game
or conversation with guests, or fucking a
neighbor.
If you hear the slightest
hesitation or discomfort,
you apologize and hang up.
By all accounts Alexander Graham
Bell was a polite
man; and he probably didn't suspect that
his inven-
tion would become the rudest medium known to hu-
mankind (which it still is).
It demands immediate
attention. Not even the "fax" or
"IM" or e-mail with
a "You got
mail" beep holds a candle.
Now let's put the shoes on the
other foots. Did you
ever get a phone call from
a "telemarketer"? (Tom
Papa would say, "I have"). Be
polite, remember. Ad-
here to your
code. Ask them "please" to hold if you
are distracted, by breast-feeding your
baby, or pick-
ing your nose, or waiting for the coffee to
boil. Do
not, by any means, ever hang
up on a telemarketer.
They're only
doing their jobs. That goes for record-
ed robocalls as well.
Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "yulida@rs-jih.co.id"
titled "Brand new way of stopping erectile disfunction!
Magic product???"
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't
forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection
of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include J. Ewing, Honk-
in de Spain and Connie Harbeson.
lifeevol.jpg "Don't walk away when I'm talking to you" Life Saver Dude: Uh, er, perhaps this was the beginning of evolution
"Your worst humiliation is only
someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen
Crockett
August
19, 2018: Things you would never know
if you did not browse the tab-
loids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket – the week's
headlines:
Courtroom
showdown, Tom gets Suri, How he blindsided Katie after years apart,
will child be forced back into Scientology? (Enquirer); As cops close
in, Wagner loots Natalie's grave (Enquirer); Meghan & Harry adopt
American baby (Globe); World religious leaders admit they like silly
hats and frilly little gowns (Onion); Vatican on sex abuse report:
'Listen no normal person would be a priest!' (Onion); TV's PAW Patrol
writers defend episode in which German Shepherd shoots unarmed Black
Lab in back (Onion)
Unisex
name of
the week: Frankie.
Dumb news from Indiana:
A worker at an
animal shelter in Rockport said she was instruc-
ted to put kittens in plastic bags and then into a
freezer to euth-
anize them (here's your dead cat photo, Jan). . . .
One hundred nine Indiana University students were
living in
residence
hall lounges as a record freshman class overwhelm-
ed the dormitories. . . .
Teen-agers were suspected in the spray-painting
of swastikas,
upside
down roses and genitalia at a retirement community
in
Floyds Knobs and on Floyd County school buses. . . .
Twenty-two headstones
were toppled in a cemetery in Morris-
town that holds remains as old as Revolutionary War
veterans,
in the second such incident in a year. . . .
A guidance counselor at a Catholic high school in
Indianapolis
found her job in jeopardy after she admitted
that she got mar-
ried
to a woman.
[courtesy Columbus
Republic]
shaunjon.jpg
South Bend's most wanted: Shaun Custard, WM, 6'0", 190 lbs, theft,
invasion; Gregory Masteller, WM, 5'10", 170 lbs, child molesting;
Jonathan Aantwon Robinson, BM, armed robbery; Rachelle Moore, BF,
larceny in a building (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A snake-handler preacher
in Middlesboro was bitten
in the ear
by a rattlesnake he held aloft four years after his father,
also a
preacher, died from a snake bite ("I'm not worried," he told
the
congregation, bleeding profusely; "God's a healer"; but he
had
to be carried out of the church to a hospital.
[courtesy Daily Mail]
A Louisville man sentenced to 35 years for robbery
won a re-
versal in the state Supreme Court after one of the jurors
remem-
bered that the man had once robbed him when he was a bank
teller. . . .
A 2-year-old
Louisville boy shot himself in the head and died. . . .
A mule
had a foal in Boyle County. . . .
A 22-year-old man arrested for public intoxication
walking the
streets of Pikeville told police he was
looking for his light
saber
he had dropped the night before. . . .
The Estill County High School girls soccer
coach was suspended
on accusation of sending pornographic photos of himself to
one
of his players, via Snatchcrap Snapchat.
And then he was arrest-
ed, for rape.
[courtesy LEX18]
jeremyun.jpg
Jeremy Masters, WM, 29, 5'10", 180 lbs, hell in a handbasket;
unidentified, unsaid, unsaid, unsaid, apprehended? Good thing - she
looks dangerous; Robert (sic) Martin, BM (sic), 36, 6'1", 185 lbs,
arrested on mere suspicion (and curiosity); Dajour Bond, BM, 27, 5'9",
165 lbs, suspicious name (dragged kicking and acreaming from the
Herald-Leader)
padperp.5.jpg Barbara Wilson, 47; Lori J. Hall, 55; Richard K. Turner, 46; Latisha M. Flemons, 36 (McCracken County Sheriff)
Quotation
of the week:
" 'Yes, dear,' is an acknowledgment without an
admission."
– Hank T. Hebhoe
Quotation
of the weak:
"infraired radiation"
– Karen Piper, professor of literature and
author of A
Girl's Guide to Missiles, on National
Public Radio's
Fresh
Air (about 3:55 – she was trying to say "infrared")
"Pizza is my life."
– Steve Ritchie, new CEO of Papa John's
Quotations of
the Wheat (Simon says):
"Nothing's too difficult for the poor."
– Leonard Simon
|
|
Funny beer brands: DankeChain
Oktoberfest.
Stupid business slogans: "Now, that's
Progressive!"
New buzz word that needs circulation:
"femail": E-mail from a woman.
Birthdays:
August
13: Dave "Baby" Cortez, 80
Jim "Mudcat" Grant,
83
Fidel Castro (1926-2016)
August 14: Tim Tebow, 31
Gary Larson, 68
Maddy
Prior, 71
Steve Martin,
73
Connie Smith,
77
David Crosby, 77
Darrell "Dash" Crofts, 78
August
15: Jennifer Lawrence, 28
Princess Anne, 68
Jimmy Webb, 72
August 16: Rumer Willis, 30
Madonna, 60
Julie Newmar, 85
Ann Blyth, 90
August 17: Robert De Niro,
75
John
"Boog" Powell, 77
Mir Mahboob Ali Khan, 6th Nizam
of Hyderabad (1866-1911)
August 18: Robert Redford, 82
Roman
Polanski, 85
Rosalynn
Carter, 91
August
19: Bill Clinton, 72
Debra Paget, 85
Deaths:
V. S. Naipaul, 85
Kofi Annan, 80
Aretha Franklin, 76
Geroge Brown, 36
Stamper James C., 64
Lucille Gibson Bryant Yates Crawford, 93
Charlotte Y.
Hendrix Lesshafft James, 89
[Louisville
Courier-Journal]
erndeleo.jpg
Arrested in Abilene: Ernest Edwin Foster, WM, 58, 5'10", 130 lbs,
injury to a child; Mary Elizabeth Deleon, HF, 4o0, 5'6", 140 lbs,
burglary
Borf 's
weekly BONUS:
Some
Parisians were
peeved at the outdoor
"urinoirs"
placed on
some city streets. . . .
Hours after being ar-
rested for domestic
violence in American
Fork Canyon, Utah, a
man crashed a small
|
|
plane into
his house (he died, but his wife and son escaped unharm-
ed). . . . A 14-year-old
boy was among the losers in Vermont's Dem-
ocratic primary election for governor. . . . Three king cobras,
six ven-
omous Gila monsters, seven species of turtles and more than 300
oth-
er reptiles
were seized from a home in Allegany, New York. . . . Brit-
ney Spears was ordered to pay Kevin Federline $110,000 in
child
support. . . . One patron shot another in a barber shop in
Suffolk, Vir-
ginia, in an argument over whether Halle Berry would play Aretha
Franklin
in the movies (Jennifer Hudson got the role). . . .Police used
a Taser on an 87-year-old woman who does not speak English for
not
following their orders to desist as she cut
dandelions with a knife out-
side a boys and girls club in Chatsworth, Georgia.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18,
AP]
Dear Eleanor:
My cousin, who is two years younger than I, is
pregnant. Last week I found
out she's been tell-
ing people I am the
father. The two of us went
on an overnight road trip to
visit our grandmoth-
er about the time her baby was
conceived. This
trip was well
documented on her social media.
How do I get her to stop telling
people I am the
father? And how do I
address people thinking I
slept with her?
Baby
Trip
Dear Daddy-O:
You didn't sleep with her? I
heard you did.
tommylau.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Tommy Jay
McCorkle36, 62, 160 lbs, 5'7", failure to compley with registration
requirements; Laura Lopez Martinez, 34, 140 lbs, 5'0", surety off bond,
assault on public servant; Ashley L. Donathan, 29, 130 lbs, 5'5", bond
revocation, manufacture/delivery controlled substance; Zachary Scott
Hill, 24, 160 lbs, 5'7", sex offenders duty to register 10 years with
previous conviction, Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't
forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection
of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Omarosa Mani-
gault-Newman.
ramiroro.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo:: Douglas Rogers, 38, crim. trespass; Jeanne
Froseth, 38, crim. trres.; Britni Dozier, 29, marijua; Ramiro
Maldonado-Trevino, 35, Upside down ears (fed. viol.); Heather Spataro,
36, pos.; Heather Saunders, 32, poss.; Isabel Estrada, 42, no license,
no ins.; Daniel Delacerda, 38, susp. thug (Tom Green County Texas
Sheriff)
Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Kate
Staples"
titled "To check with you."
lifejanu.jpg Life Saver Dude: He's not dead - he just likes to take naps on his back
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of
this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and
punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject
lines or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work,
either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only
someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen
Crockett
August
12, 2018: Things you would never know
if you did not browse the tab-
loids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket – the week's
headlines:
Trump
not blaming Hillary for fires puzzles Californians (Borrowitz Report);
Inmate tells all, 'I'm Scott Peterson's death row gay lover'
(Enquirer); Prince Philip: THE END! Docs give him 90 days to live
(Globe); Meghan's drug secret exposed (Enquirer); Angie losing her mind
- and losing the kids! (Iin Touch); How real love saved Britney (Us
Weekly); New miracle drug cures Alzheimer's (Examiner)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Honkin de Spain, our
regular correspondent among in-
mates at a certain women's prison, wrote Sun 7/29/18
re this Quotation
of the Wheat:
July 2 I dropped a
letter and a Tabloid Headlines
page, with my satirical comment, into the outgo-
ing mail box. . . . I was responding to a Quote
from the Wheat that was funny as hell to me. At
10 a.m. I was called out of commissary line and
ushered to cell block. . . . [For the rest of the let-
ter, go here.]
Lamanna Osgood wrote Weds 8/8/18 CDT:
They said on CNN that the
Department of Justice
was running out of time for Robert Mueller to in-
terview Donald Trump because of its rule to a-
void doing anything within a certain time before
an election that might influence the election. So,
where does that leave what the FBI did to Hillary
Clinton?
Unisex
name of the week: Sheryl.
Dumb news from Indiana:
A
federal judge ordered a high school in Evansville to let a
17-lifeball.jpg Any persons (except players) caught collecting golf
balls on this course will be prosecuted and have their balls removed"
Life Saver Dude: That's severe
year-old "transgender" pupil to use the boys'
room. . . .
An
18-year-old was arrested wandering the
halls of Muncie
Central High School after hours with 10
knives strapped to
his body (he was not a pupil at
the school). . . .
A 60-year-old man was beaten to death in
a road
rage inci-
dent in Fort Wayne. . . .
A pickup truck rear-ended
a school bus in Indianapolis, injur-
ing one
pupil and the drivers of both vehicles.
. . .
A freight
train struck a 3-year-old boy and his
2-year-old sis-
ter walking down the tracks in Porter
County, killing the boy
and critically injuring the girl (he loved
trains, and she loved
him). . . .
An Ohio woman driving
the wrong
way on I-70 near New
Castle ran her car into one driven by a
19-year-old man, kil-
ling him.
[courtesy
Columbus Republic]
nicoljen.jpg
South Bend's most wanted: Nicolas Manriquez, WM, 5'8", 165 lbs,
resisting police; Jennifer Caldwell, WF, 5'2", 120 lbs, meth; Clarice
Britt, BF, 5'8", 165 lbs, narc & paraph; Lanty Jones, WM, 6'0", 210
lbs, nonsupport; Joshua Cabanaw, WM, 5'11", 190 lbs, parole viol.;
Latrice Martin, BF, 5'8", 180 lbs, violation of court order (Michiana
Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
U.S. marshals were
searching Adair
County for a Pennsyl-
vania man who threatened President Trump and broke in-to
Medal of Honor winner Dakota Meyer's home. . . .
An Über
driver was beaten to death by a passenger outside
a hotel in Louisville. . . .
A Mount Vernon
woman got tired of waiting for relatives
to take her home from a hospital and drove off by
herself
in an ambulance.
. . .
Jason
Alexander, who played George Costanza on
Seinfeld,
will be the new Colonel
Sanders for KFC (formerly Ken-
tucky Fried Chicken).
[courtesy LEX18] 
josangel.jpg
Lexington's most wanted: Joseph Wilkerson, WM, 36, 5'10", 190 lbs,
"featured fugitive of the week," failure to register; Angela Rowe, WF,
52, 5'1", 130 lbs, arguing with bus driver; Joseph Williams, WM, 58,
6'3", 170 lbs, political harassment; Travan Lewis BM, 19, 5'8":, 130
lbs, mobery; Brenda Wyatt, WF, 4i0, 5'6", 140 lbs, noncompliance;
Tanisha Anderson, BF, 40, 5'0", 118 lbs, unameridan (pulled kicking and
screaming from the Heraldo-Leader)
padperp4.jpg
Perps of Paducah: Crystal J. Ross. 37; Audrey Kay Dunn, 29; Delandra J.
Stubblefield, 21; Felicia Sockriter, 23 (McCracken County Sheriff)
Quotation of the
week:
"The
U.S. government, which has induced
regime change in Guatemala, Brazil,
Uruguay, Bolivia,
Chile, Argentina, El
Salvador, and Panama and has sought to
assassinate leaders in four of those
countries and repeatedly
attempted to assassinate Fidel Castro
in Cuba by hiding poison pills in
his lover’s cold cream and
infecting his SCUBA suit with fungus
denied that it had anything to
do with a drone attack on
Nicolás Maduro, the president of
Venezuela."
– Harper's
magazine
Quotations of the weak:
"You should not arrest me because I am a very
clean, thoroughbred white
girl."
– Lauren
Elizabeth Cutsha, 32, cheerleader,
dancer and
sorority girl arrested for DUI in Bluffton, South
Carolina
"California's water is being foolishly diverted
into the Pacific Ocean."
– President
Strump, ex-
plaining the wildfires
Classic
Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said February
8, 2015):
"When you have to shit,
nothing else matters."
–
Leonard Simon
|
|
Funny beer brands: Melvin IPA.
Birthdays:
August 6: Soleil Moon Frye, 42
JonBenét Ramsey
(1990-1996)
August 7: Garrison Keillor, 76
Don Larsen, 89
August
8: Connie Stevens, 80
Dustin
Hoffman, 81
August 9: Bob Cousy,
90
Dollie
Krahenbuhl, 109
August 10: Kylie Jenner, 21
Ronnie Spector, 75
Rocky
Colavito, 85
Rhonda Fleming, 95
John the Blind (1296-1346)
August 11: Terry Bollea ("Hulk Hogan"), 65
Arlene Dahl, 93
Abigail Folger (1943-1969)
August 12: Mark Knopfler, 69
George Soros, 88
Deaths:
Charlotte Rae, 92
Stan Mikita, 78
Tammy Renée Utz, 59
[Louisville Courier-Journal]
Marc James
Reardon III appeared in the Courier's alphabetical obituary list
between Jean Frances Holman and Shawnee G.
Jenkins. It was the "III"
(spelled, as always by the Courier, "Iii").
kandjess
Locked up in San Angelo: Kandice Roys, 27, poss. c.s.; Jessica
Villarreal, 36, driving w/o lic.; Angelica Nuñez, 33, possession;
Stephanie Chapoy, 26, Yorksire puerco; Latisha Huffman, 29, c.s.;
Jessica Manley, 29, possession; Patricia Morgan, 19, poss.; Jamie
Hocker, 30, poss.; Tesa Keith, 37, inj. to child, eld.; Rose Martinez,
45, possession; Kris Perez, 26, puerco candidate; Yolanda Valencia, 29,
no driver lic.; Brittany Vaugn, 28, cand.; Sarah Garcia, 37,
possession; April Garcia 30, family assault (but she didn't hit Sarah);
Sherry Carr, 48, escape (Tom Green County Texas Sheriff)
Borf 's
weekly BONUS:
The city council of West
Hollywood, California, requested that Donald
Trump's star be removed from the Walk
of Fame – the same day its la-
test vandal was charged. . . .The Duchess of Sussex (you may
know her
as Meghan Markle) exposed her brassiere at the wedding of a
friend of
Prince Harry. . . . Saudi
Arabia gave Canada's ambassador 24 hours to
leave the country. . . . A former coal company executive,
who served
time after 29 miners were killed in an accident in West Virginia
and fin-
ished third in the Republican primary election for U.S. senator,
was pro-
hibited from running in the general election as a third-party
candidate
under the state's "sore
loser"
law.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18,
AP]
juanrach.jpg
Wanted in Waco: Juan Carlos Fabela, a/k/a Carlos Fabela,, HM, 18, 5'7",
160 lbs, attempted murder; Rachele Denise Marriott, WF, 32, 5'2", 170
lbs, probation violation (dangerous drugs); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas,
not Wichita Falls, Texas): Tanya Delia Rojas, 20, 5'1", 115 lbs, tattoo
on left wrist, probation violation (intimidation of witness) (City of
Waco, Sedgwick County (Kansas) Sheriff)
Dear Eleanor:
Recently our beautiful, intelligent, kind, responsi-
ble
20-year-old daughter told us she is a lesbian.
"Sharon" has
been sorting this out alone two years.
It breaks my heart. She
told us that she has prayed
not to be this
way, tried dating men and even came
up with a plan to move out of the
country. Her fath-
er, siblings and I were
surprised but have assured
her we
are thankful she told us so she can truly be
herself and
happy. We love her just the same.
But Sharon has
not told the rest of the family. Oth-
er relatives
have made it clear they think gays and
lesbians are
disturbed and disgusting individuals
who are going
to Hell. They have even said this to
Sharon when she last visited. She
told me it felt as
if she had been punched in the
stomach. Ironically,
Sharon's
grandparents think the sun rises and sets
on her. They have no idea
their divisive, hateful,
dehumanizing comments apply to someone they
cherish.
Sharon loves
her grandparents, aunts and uncles
and
is terrified of how they will respond when
they find out.
We worry that their rejection will
push her into
depression. We'll stand with Sha-
ron and pray
for the judgmental, ignorant, bigot-
ed souls to
find enlightenment. Any suggestions?
Worried
in Wyoming
Dear Why-O:
Tell 'em she's
"trans."
Unopened e-mail last week
included a message from "roberto"
titled "ATTENTION REQUIRED: revolutionary anti-ED
capsules for a special price!" and four
more messages from
"Clutterbook"
"Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's mes-
sage and
other notifications you've
missed."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't
forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection
of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Austin
Austin.
lifeball.jpg
Any persons (except players) caught collecting golf balls on this
course will be prosecuted and have their balls removed" Life Saver
Dude: That's severe
"Your worst humiliation is only
someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen
Crockett
August
5, 2018: Things you would never know if
you did not browse the tabloids
while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket
– the week's head-
lines:
Inside
the canine mind, how dogs think (Time magazine); Homicide detectives
reveal chilling new evidence, Natalie Wood beaten to a pulp before she
died (Enquirer); Meghan's private hell, under attack by the royals,
plus: her first fight with Harry (Life & Style): Charles confesses,
Camilla made me kill Diana, hated living in the shadow of the People's
Princess (Enquirer); Cop who shot unarmed black man let off with
promotion (Onion)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Angel
Cauffman wrote Thurs 7/25/18 @19:20 EDT:
You
have a picture of me that says I am on crime-
stoppers. I ran my name on
there and I
am not.
Please take this down. It is not accurate. It is out
of
date. And it is
ruining my life.
You are not now, perhaps; but
you were – twice.
And
you are still on TV.
Maybe the reason you are no long-
er on Michiana Crime Stoppers'
wanted list is because
they caught you. –
Editor
Unisex
name of the week: Sidney.
Dumb news
from Indiana:
This billboard,
photo-
graphed in Colorado,
was seen also on I-65
in Indiana.
[courtesy USA Today]
|
|
A 67-year-old
Michigan City man was arrested on 35 counts
of animal neglect when 34 live dogs and one dead one
were
taken from his home, after his wife was taken
to a hospital
when she was found covered in feces, urine, lice and
mag-
gots on the porch. Police got a search warrant based on
com-
plaints of a stench
in the neighborhood coming from the
home.
[courtesy
Columbus Republic]
kaleytif.jpg
South Bend's most wanted: Kaley Carter, WF, 5'6", 160 lbs, fraudulent
prescription; Tiffany Stahl, BF, 5'4", 150 lbs, violation of court
order; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Erica Kay Hebshbritsy (?),
BF, child abuse; Anthony Keith Downey, WM, sex ofender failure to
register (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky: 
jessjess.jpg
Lexington's most wanted: Jesse Angel, 25, 6'3", 160 lbs, burglary,
theft, prob. violation; Jessica English, 30, robbing family dollar
store, biting leg of man holding her to prevent her fleeing; Montash
Loray Jackson, 20, murder (LEX18, Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
padperp3
Perps of Paducah: Jodi L. Gaine, 34; Shanice N. Snipes, 25; Dawn
E. Paulsell, 37; Brittany R. Baker, 37; Autumn R. Hill, 21 (McCracken
County Sheriff)
A Hopkinsville
couple were arrested for pissing in
their hotel room bed, dumping shit in the air
condi-
tioner and leaving the water running (they
were
complaining about bedbugs
– which police said
were not found – and the hotel's refusal to
refund
their money. . . .
A motorist hit nine
other cars trying to force his
way into an exit lane on a freeway in Lexington. . .
.
A fireman was arrested for exposing his
genitals to
a 10-year-old boy in the men's room at a
Wal-Mart
in Middlesboro. . . .
A fake ad on Craigslist
advertised a hillside cabin
in Fayette County for rent. . . .
A car going 60 miles an hour crashed
into the Silas
Baptist
Church in Paris, injuring five worshipers in-
side (the church, not the car).
[courtesy LEX18]
Quotation
of the week:
"Do not allow your children to
mix drinks. They use too much
vermouth."
–
Fran Lebowitz
Quotation
of the weak:
"A video showing a man trying to feed a
black bear has resulted in the
bear being euthanized."
– LEX18
(funny way to spell "executed")
Classic
Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said April 2,
2017):
"Two things I hate to hear are
a grown man whine and
a fat woman fart."
–
Leonard Simon
|
|
Funny
beer brands: Door Kriek.
Birthdays:
July 30: Paul Anka, 77
Buddy Guy, 82
July 31:
Evonne Goolagong, 67
Kent LaVoie
("Lobo"), 75
Philip the Good
(1396-1467)
August 1: Ramblin' Jack
Elliott, 87
Jerry Garcia (1942-1995)
August 2: Kathy Lennon, 75
Isabel Allende, 76
Garth Hudson, 81
James Baldwin (1924-1987)
August 3: Tom Brady, 41
Martha Stewart,, 77
Tony Bennett, 92
August 4: The once American
Duchess of Sussex, 37
Mary Decker Slaney, 60
August 5: Marine Le Pen, 50
Wendell Berry, 84
Deaths:
Bruce Lietzke, 67
Dr. Bertee "Bert T." Adkins, 87
Dora Lea Dinklocker, 93
Herbert "Herb" Ellenbrand, 86
Pejo Peeff, 94
Thomas Edgar Swicegood, 65
Jerome G.
"Romie" "Jerry" "Duke" Wahl, 95
[Louisville Courier-Journal]
Borf 's
weekly BONUS:
A policewoman's e-mail
suggests that Stormy
Daniels' arrest at a strip club
in Columbus, Ohio, was planned (the charge of allowing a patron
to touch
her was dropped
12 hours after her arrest because the law applies only to
regular performers at a club). . . . A 69-year-old woman shot
her 65-year-
old husband dead in Jefferson County, Arkansas, in an argument
over TV
pornography
he purchased. . . . A Democratic candidate for Virginia's leg-
islature accused her Republican opponent of Bigfoot
pornography (have
you seen the movie SexSquatch?).
. . . A 6-year-old immigrant girl at a de-
tention center in Arizona was sexually
abused by an immigrant boy there.
. . . Police investigating a burglary in Aurora, Colorado,
killed the home
owner, who had already killed the intruder.
[courtesy
Harper's, LEX18,
AP]
storlazz.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo: Victoria Storlazzi, 29, failure to ID a
fugitive; Tasha Rose, 31, marijuana, drug paraphernalia; Raquel Rojas,
miscel; Kimberly Campos, 34, viol. protective ord.; Jessica Arredondo,
30, possession; Kirby Mills, 32, crim. trespass; Kimberly Sanchez, 28,
assault w/deadly w; Sally Stewart, 53, assault w/injury; Alissa
Anderson, 29, dwi; Michael Pynes, 35, crim. tresp.; Allysia Ramirez,
24, dope; Victoria Garcia, 33, drug para.; Britney Chandler, 35, hinder
; Amber Matthews, 40, theft (Tom Green County Sheriff)
The sports:
Serena
Williams was defeated 6-1, 6-0 by Johanna
Konta in the first round of the Silicon Valley Classic
tennis tournament in San Jose, California.
Dear
Eleanor:
When I was dating my husband, I gave him a lot
of leeway. When he told me he listened to a radio
show known for unscientific
views, I ignored it
because I
found him so charming and kind. Hon-
estly, he treats me better
than anyone I've ever
known,
and I had been in the dating scene for 27
years. During our
three-year courtship I always
avoided the topics
of science and politics.
We've been
married two years now, and I'm trying
hard to reconcile the fact that
I'm married to a con-
spiracy theorist who believes the
world is flat. He
is convinced
that fluoride is brainwashing and that
the Holocaust
was faked. It makes me sad. I knew
on some level he believed these
things, but I chose
to overlook it.
Aside from his
irrational beliefs, we are compatible
and
happy. My question is, can a relationship sur-
vive in the midst of fundamental
differences?
Knows
Better in Kansas
Dear Kansas:
I'd like to
help you, but I'm stuck in a relationship
with a man who
thinks Donald Trump is a great
President.
Let's get together again when Don Imus
regains his previous popularity.
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't
forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the
Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books
outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.
Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Maria
Butina.
|
|
austashl.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Stacey R.
McGuire, WF, a/k/a Stacey R. Sedgwick, 33, 5'6", 170 lbs, tattoos both
hands, left wrist, chest, probation violation (aggravated weapons);
Austin J. Austin, WM, a/k/a Keith E. Sellers, 42, 6'4", 240 lbs,
probation violation (burglary & theft); Ashley N. Mills, WF, a/k/a
Ashley N. Kuns, Ashley N. Koons, Jennifer N. Willi, 34, 5'3", 160 lbs,
tattoos both arms, left shoulder, burglary and theft (Sedgwick County
Sheriff)
estebanj.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Javier Esteban
Castro, 19, 128 lbs, 5'8", surety off bond, aggravated assault; Juanita
Taylor, 42, 235 lbs, 5'8", violation of probation, possession of
controlled substance, PLG1 U/1g; Heather Keith Hays, 49, 200 lbs, 5'7",
violation of probation, possession of controlled substance with intent
to deliver (and breaking the scales); Texoma's most wanted fugitives of
the week, wanted as of July 27, 2018, 940-322-9888
Unopened
e-mail last week included a message from "roberto" titled
"ATTENTION REQUIRED: revolutionary
anti-ED capsules for
a special price!" and another message from "Clutterbook"
"Face-
book" titled "See Stephen Yates's message and other
notifications
you've missed."
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of
this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and
punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject
lines or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work,
either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)
lifeexam.jpg
Life Saver Dude: Hey, Teach, these kids get A's all day!; write these
wordsin alphabetical order: take aekt, value aeluv, use esu,
royal alory
"Your worst humiliation is only
someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen
Crockett
