March
31, 2019:
Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:
Bin
Laden's son targets America (Enquirer); Bitter Angie goes berserk, Jan
& Brad elope (Globe); Meghan's showdown with Harr's former American
lover (Star); Princess Kate baby No. 4, 3 months pregnant, it's a girl
(In Touch); Queen Elizabeth, 92,dying, docs' frantic rush to Palace,
Prince Charles prepares to take throne (Enquirer)
Trump
pardons Robert Mueller
[courtesy the Onion]
LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Bruce
Mitchell wrote Sun 3/24/19 @23:46 PDT:
I refuse to read a
paper that arrives in a brown paper bag
as though it’s some sort of tabloid trash. What would
the
neighbors think?!
Fred Dean wrote Sun 3/24/19
@15:33 PST:
Last week's edition
is so full of nut cases it tests one's faith
in the future of the human race.
Honkin de Spain wrote
3/18/2019:
May I submit a couple of
late entries in your February 10
perp
the perps contest?
I'm on the snail mail list, and I did
not get that issue until February 19, two days past
deadline.
Yes, please, and thank
you! – Editor
latentry.jpg
Christie Truman, WF, 33, 5'10", 145 lbs, disgusted with law enforcement
and the justice system (aren't we all?); Gene Richmond, WM, 5'11", 160
lbs, theft, trying to steal a nap
U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Sonny
Perdue was scheduled to
visit Purdue University (it was reported that one item
on the a-
genda would be a suggestion to change the school's
name to
Pardue, to avoid association with Purdue
Pharma). . . .
Monroe County commissioner Amanda Barge suspended her
campaign for mayor of Bloomington
after contractor Brandon
Drake accused her of sexual harassment (#HimToo). . . .
The state's House of Representatives passed a
"hate crimes"
bill lacking "gender"
protections. . . .
Another elephant died at the Indianapolis Zoo, Kalina,
8. . . .
A dead
man was convicted of murder in South Bend. . . .
A 91-year-old woman driver rolled her car in
Pendleton trying to
answer her cell
phone.
[courtesy
Columbus Republic]
hartsell.jpg
South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crimes Stoppers): charles Hartsell,
WM, 5'10", 150 lbs, federal warrant; Jason Clevenger, WM, 5'11", 170
lbs, meth; Tracy Scott, BF, 5'2", 170 lbs, counterfeiting; Steven
Parker, WM, 5'8", 145 lbs, robbery; Francesco Catanzarite, WM, 5'8",
150 lbs, beating a cop
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A motorist who stopped to
hand food out to a homeless man got
a ticket for stopping on a limited access highway in
Florence. . . .
Kentucky came in first in a "drunk
on-line shopping" survey. . . .
A 6-year-old Lexington boy walked
out of school for the second
time (he first did it in kindergarten, a year-and-a-half ago).
. . .
joshluna.jpg
Perps in Paducah (McCracken County Sheriff): Joshua R. Luna, 27,
legenddrug; Ashley Floyd, 29, failure to appear; Anthony T. Walker, 19,
controlled substances
A Louisville man was arrested (by the grammar
police?) for
post-
ing on Clutterbook Facebook that he was going to murder "9000
kiddies."
[courtesy
LEX18]
Quotation of the week:
"If, fucking, only."
– Monica
Lewinsky, tweeting a comment on:
"Imagine if the Starr Report had been provided
only to President Clinton's Attorney General, Janet
Reno, who then read it privately and
published a 4-page letter based on her private reading
sta-
ting her conclusion that President Clinton
committed no crimes."
– law professor Orin Kerr
|
Quotations
of the Wheat:
"Men,
too, have a G
spot. It's at the back of a woman's throat."
– Leonard Simon
|
|
padilled.jpg
Locked up in San Angeloe (by the Tom Green County (Texas) Sheriff):
Edwin Padilla, 56, pub. drunk; Mandy Renfro, 31, marijuana; Alicia
Ybarra, 21, marijuana; Adrianna Rangel, 24, cont. substs.; Jessica
Carillo 28, family violence; Lydia Polk, 24, marijuana; Jennifer Word,
27, fail. to ID; Geezis French, 39, parole viol.
Birthdays:
March 25: Danica Patrick, 37
Reginald Kenneth Dwight ("Elton
John"), 72
Gloria Steinem, 85
Bonnie "Guitar" Buckingham
(1923-1919)
March 26: Diana Ross, 75
Bob Woodward, 76
Erica Jong, 77
Richard Dawkins, 78
Manuel Jeronimo Romero de Avila
(1717-1779)
March 27: Quentin
Tarantino, 56
March 28: Stefani Joanne
Angelina Germanotta ("Lady
Gag-a"), 33
Rick Barry, 75
Albert the Warlike (1522-1557)
March 29: Lucy Lawless, 51
Denny McLain, 75
Eric Idle, 76
March 30: Norah Jones, 40
Celine Dion, 51
Sabine Meyer, 60
March 31: Kirsten Kilpatrick, 30
Al Gore, 71
Christopher Walken, 76
Barney Frank, 79
Shirley Jones, 85
Deaths:
Calvin
Desir, 16
William Francis "Bill" Lippy, 93
William Lippy, 63
[Louisville Courier-Journal]
severojr.jpg
Arrrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Eric Felix Martinez, HM, 18,
5'10". 145 lbs,deadly conduct;; Severo Valadez Jr., HM, 31, 5'7", 150
lbs, indecency; Fabian Rene Rodriguez, HM, 17, 5'3", 120 lbs, d.c.;
Wanted in Waco: Deandre Jashad Gatson, BM, 24, 6'0", 149 lbs,
burglary; Wanted in Wichit Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Shomeka
Smith, BF, 28, 5'8", 190 lbs, forgery (Abilene Crime Stoppers, City of
Waco, Wichita Crime Stoppers (Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the
week)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Buckwheat and Alfalfa were under fire for blackface
presentations. . . .
Another Parkland, Florida,
school
shooting survivor – Calvin Desir, 16,
a sophomore at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High school – committed
suicide
. . . . Parents in Boulder, Colorado,
held a chicken
pox party in
am alternative to vaccination. . . . Protests were bannd on the
Champs-
Élysées in Paris and in parts of Toulouse, Bordeaux,
Dijon, Rennes and
Nice. . . . Flat
Earthers planning a sea cruise denied that they
would be
looking for the edge. . . . A resolution in the state
Senate would have the
"Tennessee Blue Book," an official manual, instruct
people that the cor-
rect pronunciation of Appalachia
is "ap-uh-LATCH-uh," not "ap-uh-
LAY-shuh." . . . There's "Warning:
Raw video" of a 19-year-old girl
pushing her 17-year-old friend off a bridge 50 feet
above the water in a
state park in Washington (the girl pushed suffered six
broken ribs and a
punctured lung, and her pusher got 2 days in jail and
38 days of public
service).
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
The sports:
The major league baseball
season began Thursday, March 28, the earliest
date in history.
lucretia.jpg
Dominiece Lashay Hutton, BF, 26, a/k/a Danielle, Domini, 5'4", 150 lbs,
tattoos both arms, rt. shoulder ("Rai-niece"), poss. of stolen
property; Sabrina Camargo, WF, 35, 5'5", 180 lbs, probation violation
(theft); Lucretia F. Freeman, WF, 35, a/k/a Faye, Tiana Michelle,
Rebekah Marie Austen, 5'4", 160 lbs, tattoos both hands, both legs,
chest, right shoulder, wrist & ankle, back and fingers, theft, ID
theft, false info. (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
Dear
Eleanor:
Several years ago, I was diagnosed with a rare illness called
Wegener’s granulomatosis. It gives me a hoarse,
raspy voice
and probably
will the rest of my life. The problem is I am as-
ked all the
time, "What’s wrong with your voice?" and "Do
you have a
cold?" I’m a journalist, on the phone constantly,
and I get
these questions numerous times a day. When I tell
the truth
("It’s just the way I talk"), people feel bad; so I usu-
ally just lie
and say, "Yes, I have a cold" or "I have allergies."
What is the
best response to give?
Tired
of It
Dear Tready:
Tell them,
"It's none of your business; I'm just trying to do
my job. Aren't you glad I'm not on the
radio, or TV?"
Unopened
e-mail last week included a message from Tweedly-Dee
Twitter titled
"how to talk Twitter" and
another message from "Clutterbook"
"Facebook"
titled "See StephenYates's message
and other notifications you've missed."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Emiko
Tamagawa.
lifecord.jpg Life Saver Dude "Squeezebox 101"
HOW TO
UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the
message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines
or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work,
either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" Karen Crockett
March
24, 2019:
Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:
How
Robert Wagner got away with murder, Natalie Wood beaten to death
(Examiner); Beto O'Rourke scandalized by high school mixtape with REO
Speedwagon (Borowitz report); Dukakis announces 2020 presidential bid
(Borowitz); Bribing colleges helps students learn math, says DeVos
(Onion)
LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Fred Dean wrote Sun
3/17/19 @10:54 PST re last week's quotations repeated
every week, "That's exactly
right." – Elizabeth
Warren:
Oh, no! Say it
ain't so, Joe!
Dumb news
from Indiana:
Northwestern counties were trapping and
"euthanizing" (funny
way to spell "executing")
beavers, whose dams were blocking
storm drainage.
[courtesy Columbus Republic]
![mariahco.jpg South Bend's mos wanted: Phillip Johnson, BM, 6'2", 185 lbs, trespass; Mariah Cotton, BF, 5'7', 140 lbs, failure to return to jail [escape?]; Kelly Lane, 5'7", 190 lbs, auto theft, Yorkshire hog; Khatrina Lindsey, 5'0", 140 lbs, failure to return to jail; Dannis Hoover, 5'6", 160 lbs, failure to return to jail (Michiana Crime Stoppers)](mariahco.jpg)
mariahco.jpg
South Bend's mos wanted: Phillip Johnson, BM, 6'2", 185 lbs, trespass;
Mariah Cotton, BF, 5'7', 140 lbs, failure to return to jail [escape?];
Kelly Lane, 5'7", 190 lbs, auto theft, Yorkshire hog; Khatrina Lindsey,
5'0", 140 lbs, failure to return to jail; Dannis Hoover, 5'6", 160 lbs,
failure to return to jail (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
|
Won-
derful
times
at the
Wildcat
Den in
Browns-
ville . . .
|
Time in-
doors . . .
|
Time
outdoors . . .
|
[Tabloid Headlines
photos
– all taken at 9:43 a.m.] . . .
|
Kentucky's
First Lady fell off the back of the stage, with her
chair, at the Governor's Prayer Breakfast. . . .
caglepai.jpg
Paige Cagle, 25, Accused of videoing herself abusing her 2-year-old
girl and posting it on the web, Lexington, LEX18 mom charged with
producing child porn; Lexington's most wanted, Sarah Martino, WF, 32,
5'7", 130 lbs, aggravated DUI, coke (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
A Boone County teen-ager sued the Northern Kentucky
Health
Department for not allowing him to attend school because he
had not been vaccinated against the chicken
pox. . . .
Governor Selfie revealed that he exposed all nine of
his chil-
dren to chicken pox (and they all got chicken pox) in order to
immunize them from chicken
pox. . . .
A school bus driver in Oldham County was arrested for
DUI
after she struck several utility poles entering a
subdivision;
with 33
children on board.
[courtesy
LEX18]
According to Harper's
Index, Kentucky is only one of five
states recently enacting laws requiring the motto "In God we
trust" to be posted in public schools (others include North
Carolina and South Dakota). And one state (Arizona) has a-
dopted "God enriches."
[courtesy Harper's]
Quotation of the week:
"If the automobile had
developed like the computer, a
Rolls Royce would
now cost $!00, get a million miles a gallon and
explode once a year, kill-
ing everyone
inside."
– Robert
Cringely
Quotation
of the weak (give a dimwit a
microphone, and he'll speak into it . . . ):
"It is a necessary evil."
– Dan
Gossman, Lake County, Indiana, drainage
administrator
Quotations repeated every week:
"Exactly."
– Shankar
Vedantam
|
Classic
quotations of the Wheat (Simon said April 30,
2017):
"Pickup
line for the over 65: 'I'll show you my AARP card
if you'll show
me yours'."
– Leonard Simon
|
|
Birthdays:
March 18: Dana Elaine
Owens ("Queen Latifah"), 49
Geronimo Berroa, 54
Irene Cara Escalara, 60
March
19: Molly
Luz
Dean-Polacheck,
20 (or March
20)
Harvey
Weinstein, 67
Lynda Bird Robb, 75
Sirhan Sirhan, 75
Ursula Andress, 83
Dr.
Livingstone (we presume,
1813-1873)
March 20: Molly
Luz
Dean-Polacheck,
20 (or March
19)
Holly
Hunter, 61
Carl Palmer, of Emerson, Lake and,
69
Ranger
Doug, 73
Carl Reiner, 97
March 21: Ananda
[not Amanda] Lewis,
46
Rosie O'Donnell, 57
Solomon Burke (1940-2010)
March 22: Andrew Lloyd
Weber, 71
Billy Collins, 78
William Shatner, 88
Pat Robertson, 89
Stephen Sondheim, 89
March 23: Kathy Carboy, 46
Gail Goodrich, 76
Jeronimo de Bosch Kemper (1808-1876)
K'inich Janaab' Pakal, Ajaw of the Palenque [603-683]
March 24: Peyton Manning, 43
Jesus Alou, 77
Lawrence Ferlinghetti, 100
Deaths:
Sydney
Aiello, 19
Farmer Malone, Jr., 83
Nyah the Indianapolis Zoo elephant, 6
[Louisville Courier-Journal and Columbus
Republic]
cisneros.jjpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls, Texas (not Wichita, Kansas):: Alonzo Williams,
BM, 30, 6'3", 337 lbs, ev. tampering; Crystal Lee, BF, 27, 5'4", 153
lbs, endangering a child; Johnathan Lopez, HM, 26, 5'9", 203 lbs,
retaliation by threat; Melissa Ann Burnett, WF, 36, 5'0", 136 lbs, inj.
to child or elderly; Bobby Cisneros, HM, 40, 5'7", 145 lbs, aggravated
family assault (Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week Wichita
Falls Crime Stoppers)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Rochester and Aunt Jemima were under fire for blackface
presentations.
. .
. Sydney
Aiello, a survivor of the Parkland, Florida, school
shooting,
committed suicide. . . . A high school teacher in Cincinnati,
Ohio, ac-
knowledged duct-taping
pupils' mouths for talking during exams. . . .
Men associated with the police protests in Ferguson, Missouri,
4½ years
ago were dying
like flies. . . . Reality TV star Mama
June, mother of
reality TV star Honey Boo Boo, was arrested with crack cocaine
in Tus-
kegee, Alabama. . . . A 17-year-old Australian now known as
Egg Boy
cracked a raw egg on an anti-Muslim senator's head and
got brutally
knocked down by the senator (there's great
video). . . . A fox raiding a
chicken coop in Brittany got pecked
to death. . . . A spelling bee in Fort
Worth, Texas, went 63 rounds (the norm is 18) and ran
out of words. . . .
A book checked out 53
years ago was returned to a school library in Fair
Lawn, New Jersey. ... A bill was introduced in the Georgia
legislature by
five female representatives that would require "any male 55
years of age
or older [to] immediately report
to local
law enforcement . . . when [he]
releases sperm from his testicles." . . . Mama's boy friend
killed her 2-
year-old son by sitting
on him in Council Bluffs, Iowa. . . . A "transgen-
der boy" (that means a girl who says she's a boy, if we
understand the
terminology, which we are not at all sure of) at Johnson High
School in
Gainesville, Georgia,. a nominee for prom king, was told by the
school
principal that he (she?) had to run for prom
queen instead. . . . Sheriff
Joe's wife was bitten by a rattlesnake. . . Opium
harvesters were battling
poppy-popping
parrots in he Punjab
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
ivonneam.jpt
Wanted in Tom Green County, Texas: Janell Briones, WF, 42, 4'11", 135
lbs, possession (the Sheriff); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita
Falls, Texas): Jorge Martell-Silva, HM, a/k/a Roberto Galindo Jr., 43,
5'9", 190 lbs, rape; Ivonne Amelia Talamantes, WF, 32, 5'6", 130 lbs,
neck tattoo, controlled substances (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
The sports:
So, why is the new
soccer team called "FC Cincinnati"?
What does the "FC" stand for? They won't tell you in
the newspapers or on National Public Blabber. . . .
|
|
Why did the late race horse
Pioneerof
the Nile spell
his name so funny? Because thoroughbreds' names are
not allowed to exceed 17 characters. . . .
This year's Tonya Harding award may go to U.S.
figure
skater Mariah
Bell, who was accused of slashing South
Korean skater Eunso Lim in the calf with a
skate. . . .
Danica
Patrick will enter this year's 500 Mile Race in
Indianapolis as a commentator for NBC Sports.
Dear Eleanor:
I captured this image
with my handy Sony
handheld as I drove
through the Silent
Grove Cemetery last
Sunday. That's wrong,
isn't it? Shouldn't the
stars be on the left?
Leonard Simon
Dear Wheatley:
Well, yes, you're right.
But did you consider
how it looked from the
other
side – or which
way the wind
was
blowing?
|
|
Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Tiffany.Joyce@STERICYCLE.com"
titled "Shred it: 10% OFF * SALE * Call to schedule your
next PURGE TODAY!!"
and two more messages messages from "Clutterbook"
"Facebook" titled "See Stephen
Yates's message and other notifications
you've missed."
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the
message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work,
either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)
chastidy.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff):
Oscar Arizola, WM, 53, fail to ID fugitive; Chastidy Walker, WF, 37,
Cont. s.; Sarah Leonard, WF, 26, contr. subs., Dustin West, WM, 36,
theft; Deanna Weaks, WF, 30, family assault; Zane Perez, WM, 32,
marijuana; Laura Cervantes, WF, 45,DUI; Johnny Dunn, WM, 65, trers.;
Sher'f David Jones; Ronald Ramirez, HM, 25, AWOL; Lynn Abbott, WF, 25,
c.s.; Janet Cuellar, WF, 50, c.s.; Addielee Hedges, WF, 37, marij.;
Analisa Sanchez, WF, 25, NOL
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Brenton
Harrison
Tarrant.
lifeobei.jpg Life Saver Dude: Two ways to pay obeisance to a liquor store icon
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" Karen Crockett
March
17, 2019:
Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in
the supermarket – this week's headlines (this issue brought to
you
by a Boeing 737 Max 8):
Lady
Gaga pregnant but who's the Daddy? (Star);; Gaga stuns Bradley: 'Marry
me!" (In Touch); Gwen & Blake married and having a baby by
surrogate (Enquirer); Royal peace treaty, Kate saves Meghan's marriage,
Harry's wife promises to behave (Globe)
Dumb news from Indiana:
The state Bureau of Motor Vehicles began
offering drivers a
"nonbinary
gender" option on their licenses – an X instead
of
an M or an F. . . .
A federal appeals court ruled that a 2016 state
law requiring
burial
or cremation of aborted fetuses is
constitutional after
all. . . .
A Wayne County farmer was charged with animal
cruelty and
failure to properly dispose of dead animals after 38
dead cows
were found on his property in various stages of
decomposition
and nutrition. . . .
The Allen County Jail, in Fort Wayne, no
longer allows visits
with inmates in person but installed an internet
similar to Hype
Skype and SpacePrime FaceTime. Inmates get computer tablets;
visitors register on line and can video-chat
with inmates from
anywhere.
[courtesy Columbus Republic]
donnicia.jpg
Indianapolis' most wanted: Marvin Adcock, BM, meth; Donnicia Barnett,
BF, 5'6", 180 lbs, theft; Jacob Adams, WM, forgery; Michael Baca, M,
meth; Jesus Estrada, HM, 5'6", 160 lbs, theft; Holly Blankenship, WF,
5'7", 140 lbs, felon with handgun; South Bend's: Marshun Lloyd, BM, 24,
5'5", 210 lbs, operator never licensed (Central Indiana, Michiana Crime
Stoppers)
Quotations of the
week:
"He's just not worth
it."
–
Nancy Pelosi, on the prospects of
impeachment
"I greatly appreciate Nancy
Pelosi’s statement against impeachment,
but everyone must re-
member the minor fact that I
never did anything wrong. The economy
and unemployment
are the best ever, military and
vets are great – and many other
successes! How do you im-
peach anyone with such a record
when impeachment is for ‘high
crimes and misdemeanors’?"
–
POTUS
Quotation
of the weak (give a dimwit
a microphone, and he'll speak into it . . . ):
"So . . . ."
– Eyder
Peralta, National Public Radio correspondent, begin-
ning
his
answer to every question asked of him in an
interview
Quotations repeated every week:
"That's exactly right."
– Elizabeth
Warren
|
Classic
quotations of the Wheat (Simon said April 23,
2017):
"Hell,
no! I haven't snorted too much coke! I'm still
doing it, aren't I?"
– Leonard Simon
|
|
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Governor
Selfie signed into law an act allowing citizens to carry
concealed
weapons without a permit or training. . . .
Covington Catholic High School
pupil Nick
Sandmann, by his
parents, sued CNN.
[courtesy LEX18]
kigermis.jpg
Lexington's most wanted: Samuel Kiger, WM, 33, 6'3", 220 lbs, keeping
it like a Kaiser; Misty Rios, WF, 38, 5'6", Mystic coke binge;
September Bonds, WF, 25, 5'3", 130 lbs, repeat offender (she was in our
2/4/18 and 10/21/18 issues also); Jennifer Bullock, WF, 42, 5'4", 180
lbs, no known kin to Amy or Ann or even Sandra Bullock APPREHENDED;
Richard Harman, WM, 53, 5'8", 135 lbs, believes he's Gordon Bifgfoot
(pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
haileyfu.jpg
Wanted across the river from Covington, Kentucky: Hailey Fultz, WF, 24,
5'6", 110 lbs, wanted in Cincinnati,Ohio, for burglary; Brandon Getz,
WM, 18, 5'6", 200 lbs, wanted in the Mt. Auburn neighborhood of
Cincinnati for burglary; Katrina Stacey, WF, 37, 5'7", 310 lbs, wanted
in the Price Hill neighborhood of Cincinnati for domestic violence;
David Mann, WM, 35, 6'3", 185 lbs, wanted in Milford, Ohio, for
robbery; April Mitchell, BF, 48, 5'3", 150 lbs, wanted in the Winton
Hills neighborhood of Cincinnati for felony bribery (offering a crime
victim money not to testify against her son) (Greater Cincinnati Crime
Stoppers)
Birthdays:
March 11: César Gerónimo, 71
Sam Donaldson, 85
Rupert Murdoch, 88
March 12: James Taylor, 71
Liza Minnelli, 73
Andrew Young,
87
March 13: Neil Sedaka, 80
March 14: Maurice Joseph
Micklewhite ("Michael Caine"), 86
Quincy Jones, 86
March 15: Ryland Cooder, 72
Sylvester Stewart ("Sly Stone"), 76
Ruth
Bader Ginsburg, 86
Saint Nicholas (270-343)
March 16: Nancy Wilson, 65 (this
Nancy Wilson, not that
one)
Jerry Jeff Walker, 77
Henry the Pious (1473-1541)
March 17: Mia Hamm, 47
John Sebastian, 75
Nat King Cole
(1919-1965)
Deaths:.
Birch Bayh, 91
Kelly Catlin, 23
Lotte van der Zee, 20
Sister Marie William Blyth, 89
Arbidella Dooley, 80
Pebbela Flippins, 71
[Louisville
Courier-Journal]
caschris.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County (Texaas) Sheriff):
Cassandra Montgomery, WF, 44, resisting arrest; Chrishilda Gonzalez,
WF, 38, theft, c.s .;Cynthia Walton,. WF, 39, credit card abuse;
Cynthia Perez, WF, 31, tresp.; Elizabeth Estrada, WF, 25, pos.; Susan
Woods, BF, 55, theft; Misty Andrade, 28, family as.; Stephen Bobhllz,
WM, 44, trespass
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Sonny Terry and
Brownie McGhee were under fire for blackface
presentations. . . . A woman in Orlando, Florida, stabbed
her daugh-
ter to death to "prevent
her from having sex." . . . The Chicago Sym-
phony Orchestra went on
strike. . . . Canada's National
Film Board
launched "Clit-me," a mobile game that teaches players
about the
clitoris to close the "orgasm
gap." . . .A billionaire Belgian
diamond
importer died in penis
enlargement surgery in Paris. . . . A judge in
Texas told a jury to reconsider its verdict against a
woman for sex
trafficking because God
told him she was not guilty. . . . A federal
appeals court ruled that a Michigan woman's First Amendment
right
was violated when she was given an enhanced ticket for
giving the
cop the
finger.
[courtesy
Harper's, LEX18, AP]
Dear Eleanor:
I'm the mother
of the 14-year-old Catholic church
orchestra player whose father
wrote to you last
week.
I, too, was reared a Catholic; but now I'm
an outright atheist. Yet,
as the little girl's mother,
I now have to attend mass three times every Sun-
day. Get me out of this!
Mass-Worn Mama
Dear Mama:
Get a divorce
and give custody of the kid to Papa.
Unopened
e-mail last week included a message from "Walter Center
for Career
Achievement <iuwalter@indiana.edu>"
titled "What career connections
will you make?"
jessshar.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Jesse Elias
Townsend, WM, 26, 5'11", 170 lbs, assault on publ. svt.; Paula Sue
Snyder, WF, 23, 5'7", 160 lbs, c. substance; Maria Sosa, HF, 33, 5'3",
145 lbs, deception; Kayla Jones, BF, 30, 5'2", 198 lbs, cont. substs.,
Yorkshire hog; Jodessey Javier Wilson, BM, 27, 5'9", 150 lbs,
controlled substances (Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week,
Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wich.
Falls, Texas): Sharla Marie Miller,WF, 38, 5'3", 105 lbs, forgery,
probation violation (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection
of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Hadas
Gold.
lifebull.jpg Life Saver Dude: Bulleit? My favorite bourbon!! But I can't affored mroe than a half-pint
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the
message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work,
either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)
People who invited us to be
their "friends" on Clutterbook
Facebook in the last week included
Sa
Lu. 
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" Karen Crockett
March
10, 2019:
Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:
Justin
Bieber suicide watch (Star); Meg Ryan & John Mellencamp elope;
(Globe) Wild chld Malia, 20, out of control (Globe); "emotionally
tortured" Princess Meghan secret psych report (Enq)
Dumb news from Indiana:
A dozen dead dogs were found
piled in the woods beside a
road in Jennings County.
[courtesy
Columbus Republic]
willijam.jpg
South Bend's most wanted: Willie Lovelady,BM, 5'6" 210 lbs, nonsupport;
James Campbell, WM, 6'2", 220 lbs, meth; Steven Snider, WM, 5'7", 280
lbs, meth; Terre Haute's: Leo Leclercq, WM, 47, 6'2", 200 lbs, domestic
battery; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Shyanna Renée Myers, WF,
use of a computer to commit a crime (Michiana, Wabash Valley Crime
Stoppers)
The Daleville
Community Schools board voted to recommend-
revoking the charters of two "virtual
schools." . . .
A
school
bus rear-ended a stopped garbage truck
in Dearborn
County, sending 18 students to hospitals. . .
.
An 11-year-old boy in
Granger, angered that his parents had ta-
ken away his video games, shot
his father, a state trooper, in the
butt, with the man's service revolver.
[Columbus Republic]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
The Breckinridge County
Sheriff
was arrested for his second
DUI in four years. . . .
Ecstasy-laced lollipops
were found in a routine traffic stop in
Shelby County.
[courtesy LEX18]
dollypar.jpg
Lexington's most wanted (pulled kicking and screaming from the
Herald-Leader): Steven Young, WM, 42, 6'1", 200 lbs, all ears; Angela
O'Brien, WF, 41, 5'10", 160 lbs, all hair; Allen Hargis, WM, 47, 5'8",
140 lbs, all het up; Dolly Parvin, WF, 35, 5'3", 140 lbs, assault 2°,
featured fugitive of the week; Adame Hernandez, WM, 42, 5'11", 210 lbs,
all in
larysher.jpg
Perps in Paducah (McCracken County Sherff): Larry Dale Harris, WM, 58,
preaching to the choir; Sherry K. Miller a/k/a Hess, WF, 58, singing to
the choir; Mandy J. Lane, WF, 43, failure to attend; Matthew E. Cole,
WM, disruption
Quotation of the week:
"You ain't nothing but a ho. I
know a ho when I see one."
– Roseanne
Barr,
to Kamala Harris
Quotation
of the weak:
"Heaven has strict immigration laws;
Hell has open borders."
– sign at Apostolic
Faith Church, Springdale,
Arkansas
Quotations
repeated every week:
"That's right!"
– Shankar
Vedantam
"That's exactly right!"
– Nadine
Burke Harris
|
Classic
quotations of the Wheat (Simon said June 8,
2014):
"If you ain't jackin' your dog and eatin' your old lady,
I'll have 'em both "
– Leonard Simon
|
|
kristana.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wiichita, Kansas): Texoma's most
wanted fugitives of the week: Michael Wayne Berry, WM, 24, 5'10", 150
lbs, forgery; Kristan Williams, WF, 32, 5'4", 150 lbs, marijuana; Ricky
Deshon Newton, BM, 46, 5'9", 155 lbs, con. sub.; Adrian Lashawn Davis,
BF, 41, 5'9", 163 lbs, controlled substance; Joe Aleman, HM, 39, 5'4",
150 lbs, records tamper (Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers)(Wichita Falls
Crime Stoppers)
Birthdays:
March 4: Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini, 58
Henry
the Navigator (1394-1460)
March 5: Del Crandall, 89
Chou
En-lai (1898-1976)
Maria do Carmo Geronimo
(1871-2000)
March 6: Pauline Matthews ("Kiki
Dee"), 72
Kiri Te Kanawa, 75
Alan
Greenspan, 93
March 7: Janet Guthrie, 81
March 8: Margaret
Annemarie Battavio ("Little Peggy March"), 71
Jim Bouton, 80
Lynn Redgrave (194-2010)
March 9: Robin Trower, 74
Mickey Gilley, 83
Lloyd Price, 86
Dorothy Keely
("Keely Smith," 1928-2017)
March 10: Edie Brickell, 53
Prince Edward, 55
Chuck Norris, 79
Ferdinand the Catholic (1452-1516)
Deaths:
Jan Michael Vincent, 73
Ehud
Arye Laniado, 65
King Kong Bundy, 61
Luke Perry, 52
wheelhwy.jpg
Borf
's weekly BONUS:
A man in a wheelchair hitched a 50-
m.p.h. ride on the rear bumper of a
semitrailer on a South African high-
way near Pretoria (there's video!)
. . .
|
 |
Jimi Hendrix and
Fats Waller were under fire for blackface
presentations.
. . . Animal shelters all
over Georgia were accepting 630
dogs rescued
from a single home in
Valdosta. . . . A dog
bit off a 4-year-old boy's
hand when he reached through
a fence to play with it in Layton, Utah. . . .
A black man, James
Hart Stern, took over the National Socialist
Move-
ment, a neo-Nazi white
supremacy group. . . . Virginia's "first lady" ap-
ologized for handing out raw
cotton to black children. . . . Utah's House
of Representatives passed a
bill to allow motorists to run
red lights after
waiting for 90 seconds in
"extremely low traffic." . . . Number of states
with lower internet access
than Arkansas:
0. . . . A Cuban farmer was
treating his rheumatism with
a scorpion.
. . . Alarmed neighbors in Perth,
Australia, heard a child
screaming and a man shouting, "Why
don't you
die?" – and police reported that he was
trying to kill a spider (which e-
ventually did die. . . .
A registered
sex offender went on a school bus
field trip with 26
kindergartners in St. Paul, Minnesota. . . . Only
two
Blockbuster
stores remained at week's end. . . . A Food Basics
grocery in
Kingston, Ontario, was left
unlocked on Family Day, a Canadian holiday
in February, and was "looted," as you might expect –
but each customer
left cash or an IOU for the items taken. . . . German
academics called for
an end to "ridiculous linguistic constructions"
meant to make language
more gender-neutral.
[courtesy
Harper's,
LEX18, AP]
|
henryamb.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County (Texaas)
Sheriff): Henry Jones, 64; Amber Jimenez, 36, failure to ID; Marlena
Sanchez, 36, drugs; Krystal Yanez, 29, theft; Casey Jurgens, 31, MV
assault; Evan Troncoso, 31; Lesley Moreno, 27, murder of child; Cheryl
Briske, 35, forgery; David Glass, 51, threat
The sports:
Santa Anita, in Arcadia,
California, canceled racing indefinitely
to investigate 26
horse deaths in the last two months. . . .
A Turk soccer player was accused of slashing opponents'
hands
with a razor
blade in the game-opening handshake.
Dear Eleanor:
I was reared a Catholic; went
to Catholic schools
in my young boyhood, even tried out for altar boy
(thank God I didn't make that).
But, as perhaps
you can tell, I've sorta got away from
the church
in my adult years.
Now my Dad has fourth stage cancer, and my Mom
is making me sit in front of the TV and participating
in three televised masses every Sunday.
I do this to
please my parents, but I'm feeling
a little hypocrit-
ical. To top that off, my 14-year-old daughter
is ma-
king $150 a week playing cello in a Catholic church
orchestra is as many as three masses
every Sunday.
How do I resolve these feelings,
and get rid of my
Catholic guilt?
Tired of
Church
Dear Tired:
Buck up, Sonny
– feel the guilt. Or, I have a better
suggestion. Try going back to confession.
Unopened
e-mail last week included a message from "OmniCall"
titled "Promo Code Inside!" and two more messages from
Clutterbook Facebook titled "See
Stephen Yates's message
and other notifications you've missed.
aildunst.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Ailson Fillingham, Mt. Zion, Ky.; Kirsten Dunst
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Rund
Abdelfatah.
lifegnus.jpg Life Saver Dude: "Here you go, Mr. President; This wildebeest sculpture is fake gnus
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" Karen
Crockett
March 3,
2019:
Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in
the supermarket – this week's headlines (Daylight
Stupid Time
begins next Sunday, March 10; so spring forward Saturday
night
or you'll be late for breakfast):
hed19031.jpg
Gwen's ultimatum to Blake: 'Marry me, or it's over!' (In Toouch); It's
official! Gwen & Blake backyard wedding (Enquirer); Secret Service
agents tell all, What the first ladies were really like!, Rosalynn
Carter: Brains of the outfit', Laura Bush: "Nicest first lady ever",
Michelle Obama: "Fierce & strong-willed' (Examiner); DNA shocker,
Charles disowns Harry!, names real father in ugly showdown, Meghan
worried about keeping royal title (Globe); Meghan & Harry in their
own words, Our feud with Kate (OK)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Two donkeys
were found murdered five miles south of
where six llamas were slain near Louisville. . . .
Not far away, two dogs
were shot for attacking a cow.
[courtesy
LEX18]
mckennas.jpg
Lexington's most wanted: Nicholas McKenna, WM, 36, 6'1", 320 lbs, a
likely suspect; Stella Cheney, WF, 34, 5'7", 190 lbs, broad broad;
Joshua Nelson, WM, 31, 5'8", 120 lbs, he'll get off; Brenda McKnight,
WF, 28, 5'7", 120 lbs, too pretty to have done it; David Smith, 55,
6'0", weight still being tabulated, he did it (yanked kicking and
screaming from the Herald-Leader)
Dumb
news from Indiana:
Governor Holcomb told a press conference he
had tried mari-
juana in college (but didn't say whether he
inhaled). . . .
A defendant charged with escape
escaped from the Jennings
County Courthouse in Vernon. . . .
A man in Marion shot himself in the balls
tucking his gun in-
to his waistband.
[courtesy Columbus
Republic]
jillreed.jpg
South Bend's most wanted: Jill Reed, WF, 5'1", 105 lbs, coke; Stacy
Britton, BF, 5'10", 160 lbs, criminal misch (Michiana Crime
Stoppers); Terre Haute's: Tiffany Jo Regester, WF, 35, 5'3", 140 lbs,
ID deception; Sierra Harrington, WF, 33, 5'8" 140 lbs, meth (Wabash
Valley Crime Stoppers)
A 3-year-old boy was left
on a school
bus for 1½ hours in the
bus garage in Munster. . . .
A church bus ran off the road in Lake
County returning from a
basketball game in Chicago, injuring five
passengers, and the
82-year-old
driver was arrested for DUI. . . .
Alley Cat Allies, a national
cat welfare group, sued an animal
shelter in Rockport to stop its
reopening amid reports it was
freezing kittens to death.
[Columbus
Republic]
zamopaul.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Brittany Zamora; Kelly Paul, wife of Senator Rand Paul
Quotation of the week:
"Terence, this is stupid stuff."
–
A. E. Housman
Quotation
of the weak:
targetpr.jpg Target Practrice: Congressional Democrats target gun owners for persecution with extreme firearm transfer bans
– National Rifle
Association's
American Rifleman magazine
|
Classic
quotations of the Wheat (Simon said April 2,
2017):
"Two things I
hate to hear are a grown man whine and
a fat woman fart."
– Leonard Simon
|
|
Birthdays:
February
25:
Sally Jessy
Raphael, 84
George
Harrison
(1943-2001)
February
26:
Michael
Bolton, 66
February 27:
Josh Groban, 38
Chelsea
Clinton, 39
Charlayne Hunter-Gault, 77
Ralph Nader,
85
Joanne Woodward, 89
February
28: Bernadette Peters, 71
Mario Andretti, 79
Henry
the Young King (1155-1183)
March
1: Justin Bieber, 25
Ron
Howard, 65
Roger Daltrey, 75
Harry Belafonte, 92
March
2: Howard
"Hopalong" Cassady, 85
Mikhail Gorbachev, 88
Karen
Carpenter
(1950-1983)
March 3:
Erica Morningstar, 30
Jessica Biel, 37
Lee Radziwill
(1933-2019)
Doc
Watson (1923-2012)
Deaths:
fosttrav.jpg Country stars mourning music legend behind countless hits
Randy Travis and Charlie Daniels did not die,
either. And that's Fred
Foster a-
gain, on the left, not Mac Wiseman.
[discourtesy AP, Windstream.net]
Mac Wiseman,
93
André Previn, 89
Cecile Cissell, 76
Brinda Hill, 71
Marcus
Leroi "Slu Swayze" West, 39
[Louisville
Courier-Journal]
kathyrey.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County (Texas) Sheriff):
Kathy Reyna, WF. 54, fam. assault; Amber Grooms, WF, 22, mj.; Amber
Lopez, HF, 35, drug paraph.; Lorena Lopez, HF, 42; Rachel Rangel, HF,
29, forg.;Bonnie Crook, WF, 49, poss.; Dakota Eliot, WF, 20, car
burglary
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Little Richard and Ray Charles were
under fire for blackface presentations.
. . . A federal judge in Texas ruled that the "men only" military
draft violates
the 5th Amendment. . . . A new species of frog
was discovered in Ethiopia.
. . . A snow plow bumped into a snow-covered
car in South Lake Tahoe, Cal-
ifornia, and found a woman living inside. . . . Patrons at a Huntsville,
Alaba-
ma, restaurant used crab
tongs for swords in a fencing brawl. . . . A delivery
driver's passenger dipped his balls in a customer's salsa
in Marysville, Ten-
nessee. . . . Benjamin
Netanyahu was under threat of indictment. .
. . A cat
that lived for six years in a general store near Homer,
Alaska, was evicted by
officials enforcing food safety
standards (incredibly, Jan, the Associated
Press gave us only a photo of the store,
not of the cat).
[courtesy
LEX18, AP]
ygnacion.jpg
Wanted in Woichita Falls, Texas (not Wichita, Kansas): Ygnacio Navarro,
HM, 63, 5'6", 167 lbs, detention w/vehicle; Annette Yvonne Storms, HF,
30, 5'4", 155 lbs, abandoning a child; Alexandra Hoffman, WF, 28, 5'2",
148 lbs, controlled subst.; Shaun Lovell Royalty BM, 40, 6'2", 225 lbs,
org. crime; Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Tyler
J. Brockett, WM, 20, 6'2", 205 lbs, burglary (Wichita Falls Crime
Stoppers, Sedgwick County (Kansas) Sheriff)
Dear Eleanor:
I
have been with a woman for six years who
now has asked me to marry her. But
at bed
time there is no closeness. She says she
can-
not cuddle with me because she’s
been hurt
so in the past. We sleep with her
three dogs
between us. This doesn't seem
fair. Isn't it
only natural to hold and cuddle the
one you
marry?
No Cuddles in California
Dear Uncuddlefuck:
Bow, fucking, wow.
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers inter-
ested in intellectual dissection
of important current events are
invited to attend the Weekly
World News Round Table at
the offices of Borf Books out-
side Brownsville, Kentucky,
just after church every Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for
meetings in the near future in-
clude Bill and Hillary Clinton
(photo from the college days).
|
|
lifeflow.jpg
Life Saver Dude: "I got this from Bill Nye" Engineering flowchart: Does
it move? no, yes Should it? no yes no problem; WD-40, duct tape
Unopened e-mail last week included a
message from "Ethan Brown
<ethan@webcampaign.trainingdoyens.com>"
titled "Communicating
with different
personalities: know the techniques," a message from
"Tony Abrudeanu <tony@proiexp.com>"
titled "Lawyers Errors &
Omissions, Professional
Liability Insurance for Borf Books," and
another message from Clutterbook
Facebook titled "See Stephen
Yates's message and
other notifications you've missed."
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to
receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to
spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines
or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work,
either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only
someone else's momentary entertainment" Karen Crockett