:

Donald Strump wrote Sun 5/12/19 @ 10:15 EDT:

  Why is my name always misspelled in Tabloid Headlines?

It is spelled creatively, sir, not misspelled,  because you behave so
like a strumpet – but with machismo and power, negativing the ef-
feminate suffix.    – Editor

Dozens of students and faculty wearing caps and gowns walked
out of Vice President Mikey's commencement address at Taylor
University in Upland (but he received a standing ovation). . . .

A sinkhole closed I-265 in Floyd County. . . .

A man was crushed to death working on an electric sign at a rest-
aurant in Dyer.
                                                        [courtesy Columbus Republic]

annanelo.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers): Brian McClellan, BM, 5'7", 125 lbs, criminal confinement; Anna Neloff, WF, 5'6", 160 lbs, probation violation (battery); Charles Dausman, WM, 5'9", 150 lbs, habitual traffic violator; Savino Lopez, HM, 5'11" 245 lbs, resisting x2, cocaine

edmgrads.jpg featured 2019 graduates of Edmonson County High School, Brownsville, Ky.: Kailee Duvall, Mikayla Duvall; Caitlin Daniele, Kaitlyn Scott, Katlyn Raymer, Keylee Saling, Kaley Hartz, Brittany Crews A+ in spelling, Danielle Dowdle, Seirra McStoots, Charish Hornback, Chasity Laporte

"Infant dies after drowning in Calloway County pond." . . .

The Ark Encounter, a religious tourist replica of Noah's
Ark in Northern Kentucky, sued its insurance company
for inadequate protection from the rain. . . .

A woman raised a stink at Grant County High School a-
bout her deceased daughter's not getting an empty chair
for graduation in what would have been her senior year
– a girl who died even before she entered high school –
and Mama was not even allowed to attend. . . .

A 35-year-old woman told police that God had instructed
her to start a fire she set in Frankfort.
                                                               [courtesy LEX18]

baxtrjen.jpg Lexington's most wanted: David Baxter, BM."featured fugitive of the week" runner-up, mobery 3°; Jenny Davis, WF, 63, 5'7", 140 lbs, Sigma Pig, wants out; Kristen Kimbrell, WF, 45, 5'7", 140 lbs, naivety; Venus Mitchell, BF 39, 5'4", 150 lbs, piggery (dragged kicking & screaming from the Herald-Leader)

gabarpil.jpg Perps of Paducah: James Collier, 30, disarming a cop (left); April Hunter, 37, forgery (center) Gabriel R. Rice, 27, DUI, DWOL (right) (McCracken County Sheriff)

Quotations of the Wheat: "I could be the poster child for male toxicity."                                                                               – Leonard Simon

January the Cat-a-log:
                Machilda Gary, 88                                                                        May 24:  Cat-a-mongus
                   May 25:  Cat-a-wumpus

American Robert Whiting, 93, arrived in Paris by air.  It took a few minutes for him
to find his passport.

"You have been to France before, m'ieur?” asked the customs officer.

"Yes," Mr. Whiting replied.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready," said the officer.

"The last time I was here I didn't have to show it," Mr. W. said.

"Impossible," said the Frenchman (remember, that's pronounced "eem-pos-SEE-
  bl").

Mr. W. gave the Frenchman a long look and explained, quietly, ''When I came a-
shore at Omaha Beach in 1944, I didn't see a Frenchman to show it to."

smileymi.jpg Most wanted in all of Texas Michelle Smiley, 35, 4'11", 230 lbs (Yorkshire hog), Probation violation (theft) (City of Waco)

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their fourth child, a boy born
May 9,  Psalm  (joining siblings North,  Saint and Chicago). . . . A 25-
year-old woman pleaded guilty in Middlebourne,  West Virginia,  to a
Clutterbook Facebook threat to kill President Strump. .  .  . The White
House was considering  a  pardon  for Navy SEAL Edward Gallagher,
charged with shooting a young Iraqi woman and an elderly man,  stab-
bing a teen-age captive to death  with a hunting knife,  and bragging a-
bout it all in "texts." . . . President Strump pardoned Conrad Black, au-
thor of the approbative  Donald J. Trump:  A President Like No Other,
convicted of mail fraud in 2007. . . . A 16-year-old Malaysian girl kil-
led herself after posting a poll on  Instantcrap  Instagram  asking whe-
ther she should die,  to  which  69 per cent of responders said yes. . . .
Prime Minister Scott Morrison, a climate change denier, was re-elect-
ed after Australia's hottest summer. .  .  .  A  fugitive  from  child  risk
charges  reportedly agreed to surrender  if  15,000  people  "like"  his
wanted poster on a Torrington, Connecticut, police Clutterbook Face-
book page. . . . A healthy Shih Tzu mix dog was "euthanized" execu-
ted for burial with his owner in Virginia– which is illegal in the state.

                                                           [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

Al Unser Jr. was arrested for DUI in a  western  suburb  of
Indianapolis, Indiana (Avon, not  Speedway). . . .  Another
horse died at Santa Anita.

raywhite.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Raymond White, 24, DWOL; Corina Pena, 43; Alicia Munoz, 27; Teresa Clark, 55, DUI x3; Taecia Martin, 46, Cassandra Freeze, 46, theft; Lily Garza, 33, DWOL; Deserae Pacheco, 20, marijuana; Theo Baker, 51, controlled substs.

lifemens.jpg Tenors of the Los Angeles Gay Men's Chorus rehearse (L.A. Times) LIfe Saver Dued: Stick it in! I can handle it!

DISCUSSION GROUP:    Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events are invited to  attend  the  Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Brownsville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers  lined up for meetings in the near future include Naomi Zeveloff.

:

J. Ewing wrote Thurs 5/16/19 @02:37 EDT:

Eureka!  I finally found it:  A phonetic spelling
of Buttigieg:  "BOOT-eh-zhej."

Steve Yates wrote Sun 5/12/19 @ 09:15 CDT:

"Buddha-hedge"? "Booti-jeej?" "Beauty judge?"  "Booty
 hug"?  How 'bout:  Pete "Booty Cheez"?

The mayor of Madison tried to distinguish his city from a Ku Klux
Klan unit there traveling to a rally in Dayton, Ohio. . . .

Former Indianapolis Colts' quarterback Peyton Manning and Hol-
ocaust survivor Eva Kor,  of Terre Haute,  were added to the Indi-
ana Historical Society's Class of 2019 Living Legends along with
Angela Ahrendts and Beth and Dan and Beth Elsener. . . .

A  school  bus  got fully engulfed by fire on the way to school in
Bartholomew County (the driver and two pupils aboard escaped). . . .

A semitrailer hauling 41,000 pounds of honey overturned on I-80-
94 near Hammond, spilling its cargo and diesel fuel,  blocking the
eastbound lanes for eight hours.
                                                          [courtesy Columbus Republic]

shelondy.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Christopher Draper, WM, 5'9", 160 lbs, possession of syringe; Ashley Young, BF, 5'5", 135 lbs, battery with a daadly weapon; Shelonda Dillard, BF, 5'5", 210 lbs, theft, Yorkshire hog of the week; Tyler Riggle, WM, 5'3", 125 lbs, burglary; no match for Shelonda (Michiana Crime Stopper)

Search and rescue officials in Powell County were on
the lookout for zombie raccoons. . . .

muffery2.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Danny Hall, WM, 30, 5'5", 135 lbs, "featured fugitive of the week," robbery 2: Tiffany Vest, WF, 38, 5'3", 115 lbs, muffery 2°; William Johnston, WM, 40, 5'10", 165 lbs, fluffery 1°; Lisa Hale, WF, 51, 5'4", 125 lbs, miffery 1°; Lawrence Godlett II, WM, 41, 5'11", 200 lbs, puffery 2° (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

A woman stole a school bus in Whitley County. . . .

A Barren County school bus driver was arrested for off-
ering a girl $20 to show him her tits.
                                                             [courtesy LEX18]

Quotations of the Wheat: "He's not meditating; he's medicating."                                                                 – Leonard Simon

josemata.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Robert Vaughn Lane, WM, 55, 6'2", 180 lbs, injury to child; Jose Luis Mata, HM, 26, 5'10", 195 lbs, family violence; Shawuan Izae Townsend, BM, 21, 6'1", 150 lbs, burglary; Wanted in Wichita (Kansas. not Wichita Falls, Texas): Robin Rochelle Smith a/k/a Robin Roulston, WF, 55, 5'2", 160 lbs, tattoo on chest, "Robin" and a bird, opiates; Jesus Aldaba-Lozano a/k/a Eric Ibbarra, Eric Allara, WM, 22, 5'5", 131 lbs, tattoo, lefrt arm "FTW", DUI, batt. (Abilene Crime Stoppers, Sedgwick County (Kansas) Sheriff)

vickydan.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County,Texas, Sheriff): Sara Moreno, 40, controlled substances; Alysia Ramirez, 25, contr. subs.; Tammie Ramos, 43, theft; Linda Garcia, 24, assault, deadly weapon; Vicky Daniels, 44, drug par.; Mariesol carbesol, 37,c.s.; Kaitlyn Freitag, 28,theft, c.s.

January the Cat came home for Mother's Day. . . . Country singer Kane
Brown found an alternative to Heaven. . . . Uber's initial public offering
on the New York stock exchange was termed the worst in history.  .  .  .
The rock band Gun N' [sic] Roses  sued a Colorado brewery producing
a  beer  called  Guns  'N'  Rosé. . . . A man who crashed his riding lawn
mower into a police car  in Haines City,  Florida,  was arrested for DUI
(his driver's license has been suspended since 1978). . . . The Harvard
Lampoon apologized for publishing a photo of Anne Frank's face on a
woman dressed in a bikini. . . .New York Mayor Bill De Blasio joined
22 others  in the race for Democratic nomination for President  despite
a poll that showed 76 per cent of New Yorkers think he  shouldn't  run.
.  .  .  Mick Jagger, 75,  was dancin' & prancin' again less than a month
after heart surgery. . . . A school lunchroom worker  was  fired  in  Ca-
naan, New Hampshire, for letting a student eat for free.

                                              [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, HuffPost, AP]

Manifest Obscurity's Maximum Security's jockey was
suspended for 15 days. . . . The horse's owners sued in
federal court in Kentucky  to  have his disqualification
overturned. . . . The filly  Congrats  Gal  collapsed and
died after crossing the finish line in the Ms. Preakness
Stakes at Pimlico, in Baltimore, Maryland,  and a 24th
horse since December collapsed and died at Santa Ani-
ta, in California.

denafost.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita  Kansas): Dena Foster, WF, 48, 5'2", 200 lbs.: Controlled substances, Y. hog contender; Brianna Nicole Cheek, WF, 25, 6'0", 205 lbs, prob. viol. (child endangerment); Yorkshire hog contender; Sasha Mae Garcia, HF, 33, 5'4", 260 lbs, contr. substs., Yorkshire hog of the week; Jeffrey Black, WM, 53, 5'9", 175 lbs, burglary (Wchita Falls Crime Stoppers)

DISCUSSION GROUP:      Don't  forget!  Readers  interested  in intellectual dissection of important cur- rent  events  are  invited  to  attend  the Weekly World News  Round  Table  at the  offices  of   Borf   Books   outside Brownsville,    Kentucky,    just   after church  every  Sunday.    Guest  speak- ers lined up for  meetings  in  the  near future include Tanzina Vega.

lifeweed.jpg Life Saver Dude: Does "Weedies" turn your poop to stone(d)?

(P.S. Transmis-
sion of Tabloid Headlines may be delayed next weekend; the
staff will be in Cincinnati watching a baseball game):

An aide to Pete Beautyjudge won the Democratic
primary election to replace his as mayor of South
Bend.
                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

hogendob.jpg South Bend's most wanted: William Hogendobbler, probation viol. (meth); Reynaldo Griffin, parole violation (burglary) (Michiana Crime Stoppers); Perps in Paducah (just downriver from Indiana): Shelby A. Morris, 27, theft and drugs; Gabriel Rice, 27, DUI (McCracken County Sheriff)

A day care worker in Elizabethtown admitted biting a
5-month-old infant after it scratched her face. . . .

An 18-year-old boy suspended from school in Walton
for not being vaccinated against chicken pox  has  the
chicken pox.
                                                          [courtesy LEX18]

savshaun.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Raneisha Jackson, BF, 25, featured fugitive of the week: Intimidating a witness; Savonnah Price, BF, 28, aid. & abetting; Shaunda Brown, WF, 40, 5'6", 115 lbs, wrong place, worng time; Mitzi Cason, WF, 42, 5'4", 180 lbs, raving maniac; Allison Search, WF, 5'10", 120 lbs, accidental maniac (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

It was a reminder to call for an appointment, and the
label "PRIVATE MAILING CARD"  was printed on
the address side.

J. Ewing wrote Mon 5/6/19 @00:30 EDT:

You'd think that dumb Donnie would identify with  the  horse
that came in second and was declared the winner on technical-
ities.  Guess the moron in chief has no appreciation of irony.

Quotations of the Wheat: "The schools are encouraging bisexualism."                                                                          – Leonard Simon

    Windstream  done  it  ag'in:    But this time it's the younger star,
    Randy Travis, 60, on the left (he had a stroke), not Charlie Dan-
    iels, 82, on the right.

travsdan.jpg Country legend fighting to overcome life-changing illness

jacyangl.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Jacy D. Angleton, WM, 41, 5'11", 175 lbs, probation viol. (crim. threat); Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week); Jacy D. Angleton, WM, 41, 5'11", 175 lbs, probation viol. (crim. threat); Mary Downey, BF, 65, 5'3':, 240 lbs, surety off (assault); Belen Gonzalez, HF, 35, 5'4", 115 lbs, DUI x4; Christopher Castro,WM, 27, 5'8", 140 lbs, control. substs. (Sedgwick County Sheriff, Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers)

Duchess Meghan had her baby nearly a week ago, but his name was
not revealed for two days – it's Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Wind-
sor. . . .  Shades of Maximum Security:  Don  McLean  was  named
winner of the Gershwin  Award  for Lifetime Musical Achievement;
then the award was withdrawn because of his involvement in domes-
tic violence two years ago. .  .  .  Denver voters will get to vote on an
initiative to decriminalize certain mushrooms. . . . Sailors on the USS
Harry S.Truman were instructed to "clap like we're at a strip club" for
Vice President Mikey. . . . Pete Beautyjudge  and  his  wife   husband?
spouse made the cover of Time magazine (if he's elected, will his mate
be called the "First Queer?" "First Queen?" maybe). . . . A woman pul-
led a 1-foot alligator out of her yoga pants in a traffic stop in Charlotte
County, Florida. . . . A 9-year-old boy was arrested for murder and fire-
arms violations for shooting his mother to death with a rifle  in  St.  Jo-
seph County, Michigan. . . . Valerie Plame filed for a Democratic nom-
inaton for Congress in New Mexico. . . . Baseball-size  hail  hit Hous-
ton, Texas.
                                                             [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

P.S.  Isn't it a bit rude to name Naval warships after former Presidents,
as they are sent on dastardly missions, like the USS Truman and Linc-
oln?  Your most egregious examples, please, readers.

anitaher.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Anita Hernandez, 46, theft; Rita Velasquez, 50; Jessica Manley, 30, lying; Irene Gonzalez, 34, drug paraphernalia; Aaron Nitsch, 30, tresp.; Destiny Arambula, WF, 36, evading arrest; Roseanda Morales, 41; Christina Bacccus, 35, family viol.

Jars of horse turds from previous Kentucky Derby winners  were
on sale for $200 apiece from the Old Friends Farm thoroughbred
retirement home at Georgetown, Kentucky. . . . Swarms of hund-
reds of bees around home plate  delayed the beginning of a base-
ball game against San Francisco in Cincinnati.

Caster Semenya,  who was disqualified from women's sports a week
ago for too high a testosterone level in her blood, has not claimed or
been said to have been a "trans"-anything – but we learned only last
week that she is an admitted "lesbian."  Where does it end?  (Where
does it begin?)   Is she a woman,  or isn't she?   Do genitalia make a
difference any more?  See the Wheat's observation above.   We have
a suggestion:  Since society seems  to  have  abandoned  criteria  for
sexual differentiation,  orientation and qualification,  and  the  word
"sex" for "gender,"  why should "sex"  (or  "gender")  make a differ-
ence  any  more?  Particularly in sports.  Let 'em all compete togeth-
er.  If someone like Caster should lose,  she  could  blame  it  on her
sex, gender, orientation, or even her ability! . . .

Sports  disqualification  item  No.  2:  The Kentucky Alleged Derby.
See the President's observation above.    Something is rotten in Ken-
tucky,  not only in Denmark. The odds on the winner,  Manifest Ob-
scurity Maximum Security – the favorite – were only 4-1.  A $2 bet
on him to win would have paid only $8.  The final odds on Country
Horse House – declared the winner – were  62-1.   A $2 bet on him
to win paid $134.  Don't you think we should investigate whom the
stewards bet on?

DISCUSSION GROUP:    Don't  forget!  Readers  interested  in intellectual dissection of important cur- rent  events  are  invited  to  attend  the Weekly World News  Round  Table  at the  offices  of   Borf   Books   outside Brownsville,    Kentucky,    just   after church  every  Sunday.    Guest  speak- ers lined up for  meetings  in  the  near future include Molly Dean-Polacheck.

lifedogs..jpg Life Saver Dude: Dogs that look like something else - and that one on the lower right looks as much like January the Undead Cat as he does like a bear --like a fox, like a wolf, like a bear, "Shut up" (like a penis)

:

Fred Dean wrote Sun 4/28/19 @08:04 PDT re the latest person
to fall to her death from the rim of the Grand Canyon:

She should have been more patient and taken the long walk
down to the river  on the Bright Angel Trail  as two friends
and I did in in 1957.  It took us only four hours.

After intense and  even  heated  deliberation,  the
Editorial Board of Tabloid Headlines has decided
to  endorse  Bernie  Sanders  for  President.   We
would be happy to vote for any other of the Dem-
ocratic  candidates  as  well,  especially Elizabeth
Warren,  or even Joe Biden,  or Pete Bootyjudge.

A student who passed his college admission test at age 11 became
the youngest graduate of Goshen College at 17. . . .

Two judges from Southern Indiana's Clark County were shot in a
White Castle parking lot in Indianapolis. . . .

Amtrak was pulling its Indianapolis-Chicago line.

                                                        [courtesy Columbus Republic]

mandyley.jpg South Bend's most wanted: (Michiana Crime Stoppers) Mandy Leyba, auto theft, fail. to app.; Shannon Weibold, WF, 5'6", 160 lbs, legend druge; Courtney Madaraas, WF, 5'7", 115 lbs, narcotics, fail. to app.; Rachel McCoy, WF, 5'6", 130 lbs, meth, "It's not so bad"

     

chrisirt.jpg Perps in Paducah: Christopher D. Reed, 26; Maria E. Miller,45, felony f.t.a.; Elizabeth A. Culp, 39; Matthew R. Hirt, 32, drugs

Bill Wolff,  of  Connersville,  Indiana,            and  his  Black Old English Hen  won            the   Super  Grand  Championship  of            the  Green River Poultry Show  at the            Edmonson County  Fairgrounds  near            Brownsville,  Kentucky  (the  "S"  on            Bill's shirt stands for  "Spartans,"  the            Connersville   High   School   athletic            teams  nickname).                             [courtesy Edmonson News]

Quotations of the Wheat: "The Wheat for President, 2020:  Make America handsome   again!"                                                                                                      – Leonard Simon

 

julianbu.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County Texas Sheriff): Julian Winburne, 33, marijuana; Melinda Grigsbee, 29; Mirisa Couvion, 46, burg.; Kelsee Martin, 28; Juana Flores, 44, DUI; Aliyah Howard, 24, pro.; Rosalina Ramirez, 44, c.s.; Erin Cribbs, 33, c.s.; Janell Briones, 42

Deaths:
                Richard Lugar, 87
                Peter Mayhew, 74

               

Australia was preparing a poison sausage to kill 2,000,000 feral cats by
2020 – and the state of Queensland was offering a $10 bounty on every
feral cat scalp. . . . A parrot was arrested in Teresina, Brazil, for squaw-
king "Mama, police!" (in Portuguese) at the beginning of a drug raid at
his keepers' home. . . .  A high school principal in Houston,  Texas,  im-
posed a  dress  code  for parents visiting the school forbidding pajamas,
hair rollers, leggings, bonnets, shower caps, saggy pants, shorts, reveal-
ing tops, torn jeans and short-cut dresses. . . .Louis Farrakhan and Alex
Jones were banned from Clutterbook Facebook  and  Instantspam Insta-
gram for "hate speech."
                                                              [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

jarvinat.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita Kansas) Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Jarvis Mitchell, BM, 26, 5'11", 155 lbs, felon with firearm; Natasha Latchett, BF, 31, 5'9", 140 lbs, theft x3; Crystal Gee, WF, 36, 5'2", 98 lbs, prob. viol. (drugs); Jennifer Jackson, WF, 33, 5'3", 162 lbs, possession; Teddy Alan Caskey, WM, 35, 5'4", 170 lbs, robbery

thongket.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): David Thongket Keoduangkham, AM, 37, 5'8", 190 lbs, tattoos on both arms, opiates; Susan Lynn Davis, WF, 54, 5'5", 139 lbs, opiates and parphernalia; Darrell Lee Stewart, AM, 51, 6'1", 150 lbs, tattoos, right arm, shoulder, pro. viol. (agg. battery); Wanted in Waco: Jeremy Laray tate, BM, 27, 6'3", 210 lbs, marijuana, upside down ears (Sedgwick County Kansas Sheriff, City of Waco)

 

Former  equestrian  Stormy Daniels  (yeah, it's the same
Stormy Daniels you know)  attended the three-day Land
Rover event at the Kentucky Horse Park in Lexington at
the beginning of Derby Week. . . .The Belle of Louisville
beat the Belle of Cincinnati for its 28th Great Steamboat
race title in the 56th annual 14-mile Derby Week compe-
tition on the Ohio River,  beating the Belle of Cincinnati
(the competition was Cincinnati's  Delta Queen  through
2008 – New Albany,  Indiana's,  upstart American Duch-
ess beat both Belles in last year's race). . . . It rained a lit-
tle all day  in Louisville, and TV reception in our part of
Kentucky  was  patchy;  and then the heavens opened up
about half an hour before the big race, rendering Church-
ill Downs'  Kentucky  Derby  track  a sea of mud.   Favo-
rite Maximum Security won,  but he was disqualified for
blocking and bumping  other  horses;  and  65-1 Country
House  then  was  declared  the winner.  Jennifer Nettles,
in her little pink bonnet,  got away with the National An-
them   (the band, choir and fans'  rendition  of  "My  Old
Kentucky Home" stank); and in the American Turf preli-
minary race, the favorite, Social Paranoia, lost to Digital
Age (and to A Thread of  Blue, who placed).

DISCUSSION GROUP:    Don't forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissec- tion of important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Brownsville, Kentucky, just after church every  Sunday.  Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near future include Horty Rosser.

hortyros.jpg Horty Rosser, realtor, Coldwell Banker, Legacy Real Estate Group, 270-308-6683 cell, 270-651-5674 fax, horty.rosser@coldwellbanker.com, 204 Cavalry Drive, Glasgow KY 42141, each office is independently owned and operated

lifeexit.jpg Exit, dramatic exit Life Saver Dude: He's outta here!