January 29, 2023:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
    tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket  –
    this week's headlines
(most of them from Britain's royal family):


People Prince Harry Exclusive: 'My story, my words', the good, the bad, and everything in between (People); Finally he truth about Diana: New evidence in crash cover-up, How Charles mocked Harry about his 'real' father, Harry:
How mother sabotaged wedding to villlain Camilla (US Weekly); Hothead Harry's new tantrum, William & Charles made media inquiries; now THEY refuse to end family feud, Why Meghan will always be a royal outcast (Enquirer)

William & Kate: 'He's a handful,' All about Prince George, Video games, $300 sneakers and exclusive parties, How the 9-year-old future king is growing up fast and ruling his school, George's art is loved by critics (Star); Prince Andrew's daughter,
Princess Eugenie expecting, Infant would  be 13th in line to throne (BBC.com); Police bodycam images, Naomi Judd suicide scene photos, Bullet holes & blood on the walls, Bitter final note trashing Wynonna, Frantic Ashley's final texts (Globe)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
StephenYates wrote Sun 1/22/23 @14:02 CDT:
The women hit (one killed) by a falling Denny's Restaurant sign
in Elizabethtown  were on their way to a White Castle next door
but had stopped in an argument  as to which restaurant to attend;
and one of them asked, "Lord, show us a sign!"

Dumb news from Indiana
:

                                             
Michelle "Shelly" Ellis, WF, 49, was arrested for burglarizing and setting fire to a business in Kokomo (K. Tribune)

    The Kokomo Men of Note rehearse for Valentine's Day.

                                                                                                                           [courtesy K. Tribune]

              
South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc. Malcolm Buchanan, BM, 6'1", 185 lbs, felon w/firearm; Erica Mays, BF, 5'5",
190 lbs (Yorkshire hog), theft; Amber Bartels, WF, 5' 10", 110 lbs, Meth, Tyren Allen, BM, 6'4", 230 lbs, narcotics, felon w/handgun


Dumb news from Kentucky
:

The northern Kentucky town Dayton temporarily changed its
name to Who Deyton  in support of  the  Cincinnati  Bengals'
National Football League playoffs run.
                                                                     [courtesy LEX18]

Fineous Leslie Riggs, WM, 53, felon w/firrearm; Ira Edward Mason, 44, meth; Kimberly
Dawn Cobler, 37, meth; Ernest Hum, 40 meth; Bradley Shawn Hayes, 31, theft

Quotation of the week
:
                                          "I taught Jeff Beck everything he knew about
                                            playing the guitar."
                                                                                          – George Santos


Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"Dedicated to Natty Bumppo,  a true story:  I went up to a girl standing
 with 3 or 4 other girls and said,  'Excuse me, Miss, I'm kind of bashful;
 but I'll fuck you like you owe me money
.'  (I didn't get laid)."

  
                                                                                            – Leonard Simon


Birthdays:
                  January 23:  Hakeem Olajuwon, 60
                                      Chita Rivera, 90
                  January 24:  Neil Diamond, 82

                                      Ray Stevens, 84
                                      Doug Kershaw, 87
                                      Sharon Tate (1943-1969)
                  January 25:  Alicia Keys, 42
                                      Jamesetta Hawkins ("Etta James," 1938-2002)
                  January 26:  Wayne Gretzky, 62
                                      Ellen DeGeneres, 65
                                      Angela Davis, 79
                                      Bob Uecker, 89
                                      Huey "Piano" Smith, 89
                  January 27:  
Margo Timmins, 62
                                      Bobby "Blue" Bland (1930-2013)
                
January 28:  Sarah McLachlan, 55
                                      Alan Alda, 87
                                      Mr. Acker Bilk (1929-2014)
                 January 29:  Oprah Winfrey, 69
                                      Tom Selleck, 78
                                      Germaine Greer, 84

Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Sylvia Syms, 89
                                Billy Packer, 82
                                Sal Bando, 78

Crossword  puzzle clue of the week:
                                                              19A  "Topping topping, maybe?"
        Answer:  BETTERTHANSEX                                                             [New Yorker, 1/24/23]


Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Ten of the 11 Israeli Supreme Court justices ruled that Interior Minister
Aryeh Deri was unfit to serve because of "extreme unreasonability" . . .
New York Congressman George Santos was assigned to the Small Bus-
iness and Science committees of the U.S. House of Representatives. . . .
An Englishman was trampled to death by a herd of  unlabled  cattle. . . .
Six people – three of them children – were killed by kite strings in their
throats at a festival in India. . . . Health care clinic Pall Mall Medical re-
ported that only 55 per cent of the people can identify their rectums. . . .

Scott Rolen was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. . .   . A Rhode Is-
land girl sent a cookie to the police department to test for  Santa  Claus'
DNA
.

                                                                 [courtesy Harper's,
LEX18, AP]

Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Teoma's most wanted): Arthur Nichols, WM, 5'6", 155 lbs, probation viol (injury to child); Amanda Margaret Webb, 50, 5'5", 150 lbs,
fraud; Jeremiah Que Burton, BM, 20, 6'1", 190 lbs, family assault; Danica Thrasher, BF, 43, 4'11", 125 lbs, theft (3rd offense); Saul Vasques, HM, 20, 5'7", 130 lbs, family assault

Dear Eleanor:
                            I'm converting to Judaism.  This involves eating strictly
                            kosher.  Most of my friends,  including  some  who  are
                            Jewish.  have an issue with my eating habits.  They say
                            eating kosher is "outdated,"  or they imply that I think I
                            am better than they are. They're discouraging me.  This
                            confuses me.  I don't scold my friends  for  their  eating
                            habits.  Conversion  isn't easy,  and it's hard to keep my
                            head up.  Do I need new friends?

                                                                           Questioning in California
Dear QC:
                    You sure do.  Chew up a pork chop and spit it in their faces.
                    And be sure to tell Jesus g'bye.


Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County Sheriff): Perry Ellison, BM, 70, poss paraphernalia; Emily Oliveira, WF, 35, mj; Candice Martinez, WF, 28, crim. misch.; Eternity Sanchez, WF, 30,
ctld. substs.; Whitney Smith, WF, 36, public drunk, tresp., paraphernalia; Kristina Alfaro,WF, 30, no driver license; Ashley Castillo, WF, 34, criminal mischief, reckless driving, cruelty to animals
Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Clutterbook" "Face-
    book" titled "You have 114 notifications about Waleska and others.
"


DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to   attend   the  Weekly  World
News  Round  Table  at the offices of Borf Books  outside  Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.    Guest   speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future  include Ron DeFuckin'San-
is
,  who changed the spelling of his name  to avoid association with
his first cousin George Santos.


"I made a New Year's rresolution to eat spinach. If I can't stand it, I'll give it up for lent." Life Saver Dude: Wish I'd though o' that when I was a kid.
 
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)



"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 22, 2023:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
    tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket  –
    this week's headlines
:



hed23014.jpg  Trump & Melania: Separate lives (Globe); Turning 77, Dolly Parton, Hearbreaking final says, desperate battle with devastating disease (Globe); Royal family bullygate explodes, Harry's cruel attack on William, Mean girl Meghan caught in new
scandal (Enquirer); Hollywood's most scandalous love affairs, Arnold  Schwarzenegger & Maria Shriver, Cary Grant & Sophia Loren, Ava Gardner & Frank Sinatra, Kim Kardashian & Kanye West (Examiner); Kim Kardashian gets secreet nose job (Enquirer)
LETTERS to the EDITOR:
StephenYates wrote Weds 1/18/23 @11:31 CDT:
Here's the video of last week's item about the South Su-
danese president pissing on his boots in an urinoration.
Dumb News from Indiana:
A bill filed in the state House of Representatives by J. D.
Prescott,  R - Union City,  suggests that the nickname
"Hoosier" 
for a resident of Indiana came from  Harry
Hoosier
,  a black born into slvery in Maryland around
1750 who became a Methodist minister in the 1970's.

                                     [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

A man was arrested in Madison after returning to a busi
ness and asking if anyone had found the bat of meth he
believed he had left in the restroom. . . .  A man was ar-
rested in Monroe County after  swallowing  a  joint  and
throwing the rest of his marijuana  out  the  car  door  in
pursuit.
                                                        [courtesy Fox59]



   
South Bend's most wanted: Mario Dennard, BM, 5'7", 240 lbs, domestic battery (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.0
Dumb news from Kentucky:
High wind blew a Denny's Restaurant sign off its post onto a
car in Elizabethtown, killing a woman inside and injuring two
others.
                                                               [courtesy LEX18]


joeparkr.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Joe Parker, WM, 34, 5'8", 174 lbs, assault on police (Bluegrass Grime Stoppers)
Quotation of the week:
                                          "
Don’t be ugly.  That’s something my granny used to say
                                             when I was being a brat
"
                                                                                                   – Congresswoman Lauren
                                                                                                      Boebert (R-Colorado)

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"I was stopped on the highway by an officer who said 'I guess you know
  I'm giving you a ticket for speeding'; and I said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but I got
  here as fast as I could'."
                                                                                                – Leonard Simon

Birthdays:
                    January 16:  Jim Stafford, 79
                                        A. J. Foyt, 88
                                        Norman Podhoretz, 93
                   
January 17:  Michelle Obama, 59
                                        Steve Earle, 68
                                        Ezekiel Montanez ("Chris Montez"), 80
                                        Betty White (1922-2021)
                    January 18:  Bobby Goldsboro, 82
                    January 19:  Pete Butttigieg, 41
                                        Dolly Parton, 77
                                        Janis Joplin (1943-1970)
                    January 20:  Bill Maher, 67
                                        Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin Jr., 93

                    January 21:  Emma Lee "Baby Spice" Bunton, 47
                                        Placido Domingo, 82
                                        Jack Nicklaus, 83

                    January 22:  Jim Jarmusch, 70
                                        Piper Laurie, 91

Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Gina Lollibrigida, 95
                                King Constantine II of Greece, 82
                                David Crosby, 81


zemariae.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted): Demariae Smith, BM, 31, 5' 11", 226 lbs, burglary; Precious Tillery, BF, 5'4", 170 lbs,
aggr. ass.; Jasmine Aquilar, HF, 29, 5'8", 120 lbs, DUI w/child; Jeni Lee Gibbs, WF, 40, 5'4", 170 lbs, abandoning a child; Gary Howard Zammito, WM, 52, 5'9", 200 lbs, fraud

Crossword  puzzle clue of the week:

                                                              12A  "Split fare?"
                       Answer:  PEASOUP                                       [New Yorker, 1/20/23]


joshuado.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick County Sheriff): Joshua Dominique Tipton, BM, 26, 6'2", 177 lbs, tattoos neck, throat, face; probation
violation (dom. battery); Cassondra Lee Davis, BM, 36,5'6", 160 lbs, tattoo on right neck, probation violation (opiates) ; Christopher Bu, AM, 32, 5'6", 160 lbs, probation violation (burglary)


Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
The Missouri House of Representatives adopted a dress code  for  women
members only, requiring them to wear
a jacket or cardigan or blazer. . . .
Greta  Thunberg  was arrested in s coal mine protest in Germany.  .  .  .  A
Texas state senator introduced a bill to require clear  and  conspicuous  la-
eling of foods containing material from aborted human fetuses. . . . A Ten-
nesee Congressman said he found 171 Biblical references to UFO's.  .  .  .
2022 was the sixth hottest year on record, following 2016, 2020, 2019, 20-
15 and 2017, respectively. . . . Two high schools in Essex,  England,  have
probited all physical contact between pupils.  .  .  .  A pastor was shot and
wounded by his cousin  in Jacksonville,  Florida,  in an argument over the
existence of Heaven and Hell.
                                                                   [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]


robertsn.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Robert Robertson, WM, 54, possession; Jamey Holman, WF, 46, dope; Veronica Morales,WF, 19,
paraphernalia; Jesus Martinez, WM, mj; Beatrice Arispe, WF, 40, DUI; Darren Helms, WM, 45, cr. trespass; Jamie Perez, WM. 43, DUI; Jovan Croom, BM, 24, mj
Dear Eleanor:
                          I'm in my 50's, married to my second wife 16 years. Our sex has
                          diminished  over  the  years –  quick, routine sex before sleep at
                          best every two to three months or so.  So I've focused my sexual
                          energy toward erotic fantasies about my wife.  I  envision  her in
                          all sorts of wild, tabooless sex with strangers and friends alike.


                          I possess some pretty decent Photoslop skills,  and I have started
                          to visualize these fantasies in very convincing fake pictures – of
                          a high quality,  perhaps even artsy level.  I've kept these pictures
                          strictly for myself,  occasionally masturbating to them,  although
                          I find the real thrill in making up  and realizing  the erotic scenes.
                          It’s simply an unharmful way to channel my sexual energy.

                          Regrettably my wife has run into the pictures and is disgusted by
                          them although I've assured her they are only for myself  and  I've
                          no  desire  whatever  to see any of these fantasies  actually  come
                          true.   Am  I  really doing such a horrendous thing?   I'm  not  the
                          cheating  kind;  I would never leave my wife,  and the only thing
                          I  afford  myself –  just to keep my libido satisfied  –  is  creating   
                          these erotic visuals.  Should I give up my secret hobby
?

                                                                                                     George Feelgood
Dear Georgy-Pornguy:
                                         Bull, shit.   If you had no desire to see any of these fan-
                                         tasies  come  true,  you would not fantasize them.  And
                                         your hobby is not so secret now,  is  it?  Not  only  does
                                         your wife know, but so do all the readers of my column.
                                         If  your mate  cannot  handle  your desires,  you should
                                         find her a new husband.


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!  Readers  interested in intellectual dissection  of
 important current events are  invited  to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, after church every Sunday. Guest speakers lined
up for meetings in the near future include Congresswomen Laur-
en Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene.
bobgreen.jpg

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
 

lifeintr.jpg Life Saver Dude: Looks like interracial sex to me

 
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 15, 2023:    Things you would never know if you did not browse the
    tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket  –
    this week's headlines
:


hed23013.jpg Santos posts photos from his trip to Mars (Rugmunch Examiner); No holding back! Inside Harry & Meghan's Netflix series (People)
hed23013.jpg Santos posts photos from his trip to Mars (Rugmunch Examiner); No holding back! Inside Harry & Meghan's Netflix series (People)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Malachi Dean wrote Weds 1/11/23 @06:00 CST:
Leonard Simon a/k/a "David Cop-a-Feel."
Dumb news from Indiana:
Attica, Beerne, Bicknel, Bloomfield, Bremen, Brownstown,
Butler,  Covington,  DeMotte, Delphi, Dunkirk,  Fairmount,
Fort Branch,  Greentown, Hebron, Heritage Lake,  Knights-
town,  Knock, LaGrange, Lawrenceburg, Ligonier,  Middle-
bury,  Middletown, Mitchell, New Carlisle,  North Webster,
Oakland City,  Ossian,  Paoli,  Rockville,  Sheridan,  Shore-
wood Forest, Upland, Walkerton and Winamac were reclas-
sified by the U.S. Census Bureau  from  "urban"  to "rural."
Alexandria and Brazil were reclassified from "rural" to "ur-
ban.."  (Berne has no Walmart or movie theater  – but has a
clock tower resembling the one in Berne, Switzeeland).


                                                   [courtesy Kokomo Tribune]
malikgra.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Malik Grayson, BM, 5'8", Resisting police; Adrian Nelly, BM, 5'10", 160 lbs, intimidation, strang.; Satia Snowden, BF, 5'6", 160 lbs, criminally reckless w/deadly weapon; Anthony Ratliff Jr., BM, 5'8", 205 lbs, battery; Adrian Caston, BM, 5'4", 165 lbs, probation violation (stalking)
malikgra.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Malik Grayson, BM, 5'8", Resisting police; Adrian Nelly, BM, 5'10", 160 lbs, intimidation, strang.; Satia Snowden,
BF, 5'6", 160 lbs, criminally reckless w/deadly weapon; Anthony Ratliff Jr., BM, 5'8", 205 lbs, battery; Adrian Caston, BM, 5'4", 165 lbs, probation violation (stalking)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Andy Beshear, Peppy Martin, Geoff Young, Daniel Cameron
Jacob Clark,  Kelly Craft,  David Cooper,  Bob DeVore,  Eric
Deters, Mike Harmon, Alan Keck, Dennis Ray Ormerod, Ry-
an Quarles,  Johnny Ray Rice  and Robbie C. Smith  are run-
ning for governor.   Beshear,  son  of former governor  Steve
Beshear, is the governor. Martin, running as a Democrat, was
the Republican nominee in 1999.  Young and DeVore are per-
emnial candidates.  Cameron now is the attorney general,  en-
dorsed  by  Donald Trump;  Harmon is the state auditor,  and
Quarles is the commissioner of agriculture.  Clark,  as a
state
representative
once,  filed a motion to impeach Beshear. Craft
was Trump's ambassador to the United Nations.   Deters  is  a
suspended attorney.  Keck is the mayor of Somerset, and Rice
led a protest outside the state Capitol just after January 6, 2021.
No one ever heard of Cooper or Ormerod. 

                                        [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]
rechelle.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Joseph Anthony Browning. 28, Bardstown, criminal trespass; Katie Rechelle King, 36, B, Failure  to appear; Brian Christopher Mattingly, 49, B, F.t.a., contempt; Cindi Noel Sentell, 33, B, failure to appear; Zachary Troy Peyton, 25, B, meth, mj, paraph
rechelle.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Joseph Anthony Browning. 28, Bardstown, criminal trespass; Katie Rechelle King, 36, B, Failure
to appear; Brian Christopher Mattingly, 49, B, F.t.a., contempt; Cindi Noel Sentell, 33, B, failure to appear; Zachary Troy Peyton, 25, B, meth, mj, paraph
Quotations of the week:
                                          "Numbers – my old enemy."
                                                                                           – Kevin McCarthy, who once
                                                                                               failed math in high school

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"I don't need to play the lottery; my Power Balls are already worth Mega
  Millions."

 
                                                                                               – Leonard Simon
Birthdays:
                    January 9:  Catherine "Kate" Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, 41
                                       Joan Baez, 82
                    January 10:  
Shawn Colvin, 67
                                        
Pat Benatar, 70
                                         George Foreman, 74
                                         Donald Fagen, 75
                                         Rod Stewart, 78
                    January 11:  Mary J. Bilge, 53
                                         Diana Ellen "Naomi" Judd (1946-2022)
                    January 12:  Howard Stern, 69
                                         Bernardine Dohrn, 81
                                         Rush Limbaugh (1951-2021)
                                         Kirstie Alley (1951-2022)
                    January 13:  [no one of note]
                    January 14: 
Dave Grohl, 55
                                         Michael Trampenau ("Mike Tramp"), 62
                                         Marjoe Gortner, 79
                                         Nina Totenberg, 79
                                         Jack Jones, 85
                                         Marc Antony (83-30 B.C.)
                     January 15 
  Maria Baeza ("Charo"), 72? (she says; actually 82 on March 13)
                                        
Margaret O'Brien, 86
                                         Martin Luther King Jr. (really, not Jan. 17; 1929-1968)
                                         Joan of Arc (1412-1431)

Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Carole Cook, 98
                                George Cardinal Pell, 81
                                Jeff Beck, 78
                                Robbie Knievel, 60
                                Lisa Marie Presley, 54

Crossword  puzzle clue of the week:
                                                              37D  "OMG . . . How!?"
                                  Answer:  WTF                                                [New Yorker, 12/27/22]

 sordelet.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Peter Lemuel Sordelet IV, WM, 49, 5'10", 175 lbs, one upside down ear, Prob.viol. (ops.); Antonio Lee Brown Jr., BM, 18, 5'5", 124 lbs, tattoo on neck, aggr. robbery, burgl. & battery; Stephone Smith, BM, 39, 5'9", 209 lbs, aggr. burg., threat & dom. battery (Sedgwick County Sheriff)\
sordelet.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Peter Lemuel Sordelet IV, WM, 49, 5'10", 175 lbs, one upside down ear, Prob.viol. (ops.); Antonio Lee Brown Jr.,
BM, 18, 5'5", 124 lbs, tattoo on neck, aggr. robbery, burgl. & battery; Stephone Smith, BM, 39, 5'9", 209 lbs, aggr. burg., threat & dom. battery (Sedgwick County Sheriff)\
Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
Jair Bolsonaro parroted Donald Trump. . . . Children, a dog and a foot-
ball helmet were seen in the House of Representatives  during  the  de-
bate over Kevin McCarthy's campaign for Speaker. .  .  . It  was  found
that persons who consider themselves attractive are less likely to wear
face masks. . . . South Sudan detained six journalists accused of releas-
ing  footage of President Salva Kiir  appearing  to  urinate  on  himself
while standing for the National Anthem. . . .  The State Department an-
nounced that,  in accord with a United Nations attempt  to  distinguish
the nation Turkey from Thanksgiving dinner,  it  would  henceforth re-
fer to it as "Türkiye." . . . The mother of the Uvalde gunman was arres-
ted for threatening to kill the man she was living with. .  .  . A fugitive
fighting extradition from Scotland to the U.S. claimed that fellow pris-
oners were taunting him by singing "Leaving on a Jet Plane." . . . A re-
leased  prisoner
  in  Lake Charles,  Louisiana,  tried to break back into
jail because he was hungry and had no housing. .  .  .  The  United  Na-
tions predicted that India's population will exceed China's this year.

                                                                           [courtesy Harper's, AP]
Dear Eleanor:
                            My name is Parker, and I’m a cat.  My human
                            is resistant to letting me go outside in the wint-
                            er. But I've been an excellent hunter of vermin
                            in our yard.  Last  year  I  killed  20+ mice and
                            voles and a chipmunk.

                            Today I found my human  running  outside  be-
                            cause she saw  a  giant  mole  in the yard.   She
                            took  it  upon  herself  to  stab  it  with  pruning
                            shears.  I was not consulted.

                            What should I do?  I'm the top cat at our house,
                            and  I  take  pride  as lead vermin exterminator;
                            but  today  I found a   scoreboard  tracking kills
                            between me and my human
falsely. It’s  onBi-
                            atch!
                                                                                             Parker
Dear Parkie:
                            Bite her in the  carotid  artery  (if you do not de-
                            pend upon her).


DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to   attend   the  Weekly  World
News  Round  Table  at the offices of Borf Books  outside  Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.    Guest   speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Peter Lemuel Sord-
elet
.

lifefliz.jpg lFor Lease: Navidad Life Saver Sude: No copyright violation in this ad; the first word of thes song is misspelled
lifefliz.jpg lFor Lease: Navidad Life Saver Sude: No copyright violation in this ad; the first word of thes song is misspelled

 
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      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
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"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 8, 2023:    Things you would never know if you did not browse the
    tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket  –
    this week's headlines
:


hed23012.jpg Breakups, eating disorders and getting married, Taylor: Her untold story, The two exes who almost ruined her, Starting a family in Rhode Island, Her surprising inspiration from fans (Life & Style); Jealous Kate bars William from school runs with kids (Life & Style); Who'll die next? (Enquirer); Biden still protecting JFK killers, Seals 16,000 files on assassaination, Why he cavedto deep state pressure, Truth about CIA and Lee Harvey Oswald (Globe); Kari Lake flips out at 7-11 over buying a losing lottery ticket (Borowitz Report)
hed23012.jpg Breakups, eating disorders and getting married, Taylor: Her untold story, The two exes who almost ruined her, Starting a family in Rhode Island, Her surprising inspiration from fans (Life & Style); Jealous Kate bars William from school runs with kids (Life & Style);
Who'll die next? (Enquirer); Biden still protecting JFK killers, Seals 16,000 files on assassaination, Why he cavedto deep state pressure, Truth about CIA and Lee Harvey Oswald (Globe); Kari Lake flips out at 7-11 over buying a losing lottery ticket (Borowitz Report)

hed230122.jpg Hollywood hates Harry & Meghan! (Globe); Greg Abbot fills last open seatson migrant bus with Jews (Onion); Man on vacation suddently realizes no one feeding his hostages (Onion)
hed230122.jpg Hollywood hates Harry & Meghan! (Globe); Greg Abbot fills last open seatson migrant bus with Jews (Onion); Man on vacation suddently realizes no one feeding his hostages (Onion)
hed230122.jpg Hollywood hates Harry & Meghan! (Globe); Greg Abbot fills last open seatson migrant bus with Jews (Onion); Man on vacation suddently realizes no one feeding his hostages (Onion)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Anthony Dean wrote Sun 1/1/23 @10:44 CST:
No TH on my driveway this morning.  Can I get a refund?
No.  Overslept.  Sorry.
                                          – Editor

Dumb news from Indiana
:
Vigo County was promoting discarded Christmas trees as habitat
for fish and rabbits.
                                              [courtesy Terre Haute Tribune-Star]

kinyanmo.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Kinyan Moore, BM, 60, 6', 155 lbs, domest. battery, residential entry, "strangulation"; Dustin Woods, WM, 5' 8", 150 lbs, residential entry; Katelyn Tromblay, WF, 5'3", 120 lbs, cocaine; Vincent Breden, WM, 6'. 170 lbs, parole violation (theft); Deshawn Adams, BM, 6', 145 lbs, violating court order, handgun w/o lic.
kinyanmo.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Kinyan Moore, BM, 60, 6', 155 lbs, domest. battery, residential entry, "strangulation"; Dustin Woods, WM, 5' 8", 150 lbs,
residential entry; Katelyn Tromblay, WF, 5'3", 120 lbs, cocaine; Vincent Breden, WM, 6'. 170 lbs, parole violation (theft); Deshawn Adams, BM, 6', 145 lbs, violating court order, handgun w/o lic.

Dumb news from Kentucky
:

The University of Kentucky basketball team, which has lost
four games already this season, was not ranked in the top 25
college teams in the latest Associated Press poll.

                                     [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]
julready.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Julius Ready, black male, 28, 6', 160 lbs, child abuse, ctrld. substs., wanton endang., felon w/handgun, Bluegrass Crime Stoppers
julready.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Julius Ready, black male, 28, 6', 160 lbs, child abuse, ctrld. substs., wanton endang., felon w/handgun, Bluegrass Crime Stoppers

Editorial:
                    Why were no Democrats supporting Kevin McCarthy's can-
                    didacy for Speaker of the House of Representatives?       ("I
                    owe you one").


Quotations of the week:
                                          "You live only once; but if you live right, once is
                                            enough"
                                                                                                       – Mae West


Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"If you really want to stir a woman's emotions up for Valentine's Day,
  don't give her a present."

 
                                                – Leonard Simon

Birthdays:
                     January 2:  Jim Bakker, 83
                                        Roger Miller (1936-1992)
                     January 3:  Greta Thunberg, 20
                                        Eli Manning, 42

                                        Stephen Stills, 78
                                        Sylvia Likens (1949-1965)
                                        Cicero (106-43 BC)
                     January 4:  Andy Borowitz, 65
                                       
Patty Loveless,
                                        Doris Kearns Goodwin, 80
                                       
Mahavishnu John McLaughlin, "rock guitarist," 81
                                       
Dyan Cannon, 86
                                        Grace Bumbry, 86
                                        Don Shula (1930-2020)
                     January 5:  Iris DeMent, 62
                                        Diane Keaton, 77
                                        Charlie Rose, 81
                                        Zulfikar Ali Bhutto (1928-1979)
                                        Walter Mondale (1928-2021)
                     January 6:  Nancy Lopez, 66
                                        Syd Barrett (1946-2006)
                                        Sandy Denny (1947-1978)
                     January 7:  Rand Paul, 60
                                        Katie Couric, 66
                                       
Raila Odinga, 78
                                        Geronimo Baqueiro Foster (1898-1967)
                     January 8:  Kim Young'n', 40
                                        R. Kelly, 56
                                        Freb Cood, 84
                                        David Robert Jones ("David Bowie," 1947-2016)
                                        Yvette Mimieux (1942-2022)
                                        Elvis Presley (1935-1977)

Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Anita Pointer, 74
                                Rosi Mittermaier, 72

lemauner.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick County Sheriff): Lemaune Hunter, BM, 42, 6', 155 lbs, aggravated arson; Sedrick L. Thomas, BM, 18, 5'10", 135 lbs, probation violatikon (weapons); Nicholas Leslie Richardson, WM, 25, 5'11", 170 lbs, burglary; Dallas Lee Ortiz, WM, 26, 5'11", 160 lbs, prob. viol. (opiates); Alan James Larios, WM, 30, 5'7", 170 lbs., fail. to comply
lemauner.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick County Sheriff): Lemaune Hunter, BM, 42, 6', 155 lbs, aggravated arson; Sedrick L. Thomas, BM, 18, 5'10", 135 lbs,
probation violation (weapons); Nicholas Leslie Richardson, WM, 25, 5'11", 170 lbs, burglary; Dallas Lee Ortiz, WM, 26, 5'11", 160 lbs, prob. viol. (opiates); Alan James Larios, WM, 30, 5'7", 170 lbs., fail. to comply

Crossword  puzzle clue of the week:

                                                             66A  "Like a Christmas tree"
     Answer:  BALLBEARING                                                               [L.A. Times, 12/25/22]
                                                    A more instructive clue might have
                                                    added "or a football team's offense"
                                                                                                               – Tabloid Headlines Editor
driscoll.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted): Chistopher Driscoll, WM, 59, 6'1", 220 lbs, family assault; Deidra Turner, BF, 37, 5'2", 110l lbs, ctrld. subst.; Samantha Wilson, WF, 29, 5'4", 132 lbs, probation violation (forgery); David Hutchinson, BM, 35, 5'9", 190 lbs, probation viol. (assault on public svt.); Jeffery Adam Arredondo, HM, 35, 5'7", 140 lbs, credit card fraud
driscoll.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted): Chistopher Driscoll, WM, 59, 6'1", 220 lbs, family assault; Deidra Turner, BF, 37, 5'2", 110l lbs, ctrld. subst.;
Samantha Wilson, WF, 29, 5'4", 132 lbs, probation violation (forgery); David Hutchinson, BM, 35, 5'9", 190 lbs, probation viol. (assault on public svt.); Jeffery Adam Arredondo, HM, 35, 5'7", 140 lbs, credit card fraud
Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
Prince Harry said he wanted his father and brother back. . . . Scarborough,
England,  canceled its end-of-year fireworks not
to distress a walrus  .  .  .
A couple who spent $3,000 driving 18 hours a thousand miles
  from Den-
ver,  Colorado,  to Redmond,  Oregon,  on Christmas Eve to catch a flight
from Seattle,  Washington,  were among people missing  15,000  canceled
flights. .  .  .  Myanmar  lifted its 24-hour curfew to allow New Year's Eve
celebrations.
                                                                    [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

Dear Eleanor:
                            I moved to Florida from Oklahoma  to be near my
                            son and sister after my husband passed away.     It
                            did not work out with my son;   so I moved nearer
                            my sister  –  to a one-bedroom mobile home in an
                            RV retirement park for seniors over 65.

                            Then Hurricane Ian destroyed my home and I have
                            been unable to find a new place,  buying or renting,
                            here in Florida.  I've  been at this since  September,
                            and I'm worn out and tired of searching.  I am pres-
                            ently staying with my sister and her husband.  So I
                            am going to relocate back to Oklahoma where may-
                            be I can find a place to live.

                            My sister is terribly upset that I'm leaving. She does-
                            n't seem to understand that I can't rent an apartment
                            or buy another trailer  or another house  either.  My
                            sister doesn't think I've tried hard enough,  but she's
                            not  been  with me when I have made all these sear-
                            ches, attempts and telephone calls  trying and trying
                            and trying. I feel deprressed and sad. I have lost ev-
                            erything  –  my home, my husbnad, my son,  my be-
                            longings and my ability to stay in Florida.  My ques-
                            tion is:  Am I doing the right thing  moving  back  to
                            Oklahoma?  I feel like I have no other options.

                                                                                               Searching

Dear Searchie:
                            I'm with your sister.  Stay with her, if you may.  Un-
                            der no circumstances  would I suggest moving back
                            to Oklahoma
.


Unopened e-mail New Year's Day included five messages from "Clutterbook" "Facebook" titled
    "You have 114 notifications about Sandi and others,"
    "You have 114 notifications about Linanaa and others,"
    "You have 114 notifications about Babatunde and others,"
    "You have 114 notifications about Delanea and others," and
    "You have 114 notifications about Delanea and others"
     (yes, twice, 44 minutes apart) and 75 "friend" requests.

cheyenpo.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas,Sheriff): Cheyenne Ponce, 26, Mj; Shawna Campbell, 33, Evading arrest w/watercraft; Celine Casanova, 23, mj; Teresa Moore, 56, deadly conduct; Rayven George, 20, DUI, Amy Beinhauer, 55, cntrld. subs.; Brandy Schlittler, 46, family assault; Jane Deanda, 33, no insurance
cheyenpo.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas,Sheriff): Cheyenne Ponce, 26, Mj; Shawna Campbell, 33, Evading arrest w/watercraft; Celine Casanova,
23, mj; Teresa Moore, 56, deadly conduct; Rayven George, 20, DUI, Amy Beinhauer, 55, cntrld. subs.; Brandy Schlittler, 46, family assault; Jane Deanda, 33, no insurance

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)


lifedarw.jpg For those who don't know the difference betwwen a crocodile and an alligator: The crocodile is the one nex to the alligator! Life Saver Dude: Elementary, my dear Darwin
lifedarw.jpg For those who don't know the difference betwwen a crocodile and an alligator: The crocodile is the one nex to the alligator! Life Saver Dude: Elementary, my dear Darwin
 
DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to   attend   the  Weekly  World
News  Round  Table  at the offices of Borf Books  outside  Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.    Guest   speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Amanda Kluesner.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 1, 2023: Things you would  never know if you did not browse the
    tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket  –
    this week's headlines
:


hed23011.jpg Elon Musk named year's 'most exhausting
          person' (Borowitz Report): VP Harris gets seasonal job at
          Macy's (Onion); Trump slaps Biden: 'Nation's most fat-assed
          President' (Onion); Camilla exposed as royal racist
          (Enquirer); Why Charles & Royals detest Trump (Globe)
Elon Musk named year's 'most exhausting person' (Borowitz Report); VP Harris gets seasonal job at Macyh's(Onion) Trump slaps Biden: 'Nation's most fat-assed President'(Onion); Camilla exposed as royal racisst (Enquirer) Why Charles & Rouals detest Trump (Globe)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
J. Ewing wrote Sun 12/25/22 @15:39 EDT from Lexington, Ky.:
Thou art evil – or maybe just testing the TH readers to see
if they are actually paying attention and reading the TH.

Per your "Dear Eleanor" column there is  a  place  in  Ken-
tucky called Rugmunch.  As we live in state housing loca-
tions such as Nonesuch, Sunfish and Big Bone Lick, there
seemed a possibility.   So I Googled.   Not only is there no
such place in Kentucky,  nor anywhere else,   I  now  have
search data attached to my telephone ID  that indicate I've
done  a  porn  search.   My spam folder will get really full
now.  Thanks a lot.  I really appreciate your perpetual hol-
iday gift.

But at least you know I actually do read all of the TH. 
If
your latest edition was a test to see if subscribers actually
read the content,  I passed with flying colors.  And now I
am aware of a coloring book with a cat farts theme.

I am now aware also that I will be spammed to death from
tons of porn sites because I did a  Google  search  to see if
there actually is a place called Rugmunch, Ky.  Thank you
so much.
You are so welcome, and we so apologize.  It might interest you
to know that the phony letter from Rugmunch  came from a lady
we know from Elizabethtown, Ky.,  now living in Tennessee,  at
our request for fodder for "Dear Eleanor,"  and that she is in a re-
lationship with the mayor of Sunfish, Ky.
                                                                                      Editor, TH

Dumb news from Indiana
:

A Lawrence County man was arrested for killing and dismem-
bering his father, which the man said was a robot replacing his
father.
                                                                    [courtesy Fox News]

michalal.jpg Wanted in Rushville, James Michael
                  Allen, WM, 6', 140 lbs, offense not stated
                  (discourtesy Greensburg Daily Neews)
Wanted in Rushville: Michael James Allen, WM, 6', 140 lbs, offense not stated (discourtersy Greensburg Daily News)


Dumb news from Kentucky
:

Governor Andy Beshear issued an order allowing the use of
medical marijuana as long as it is purchased in a state where
the purchase is legal (not in Kentucky).
                                                                     [courtesy LEX18]
justncas.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Christopher Michael Blanford, 49, Loretto, failure to appear; William Sterling Styles, 25, Bardstown, cont. of ct.; Kyrie Joe Canales, 31, Bardstown, conempt of court; James William Brown Jr., 51, Bardstown, failure to appear; Orville Justin Case, 26, disrregard. stop sign
justncas.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Christopher Michael Blanford, 49, Loretto, failure to appear; William Sterling Styles, 25, Bardstown, cont. of ct.;
Kyrie Joe Canales, 31, Bardstown, conempt of court; James William Brown Jr., 51, Bardstown, failure to appear; Orville Justin Case, 26, disrregard. stop sign

Quotation of the week
:
                                          "I never said I was Jewish.  I said I was Jew-ish."
                                                                                                                            – George Santos


Birthdays:
                    December 26: Alex Wang, 39         –––>
                                           David Sedaris, 66
                                           Kitty Dukakis, 86
                                           Phil Spector (1939-2021)
                                                  Steve Allen (1921-2000)
                                           Mao Tse-tung (1893-1976)
alexwang.jpg
                   December 27:  Karla Bonoff, 71
                                           Tracy Nelson, 78 (this one, not that one)
                                           Corrine "Cokie" Roberts (1943-2019)
                   December 28:  Edgar Winter, 76
                                           Maggie Smith, 88
                                           Joe Diffie (1958-2020)
                   December 29:  Paula Poundstone, 63
                                           Yvonne Elliman, 71
                                            Marianne Faitfhfull, 76
                                            William Augustus "Dub" Jones, 98
                                            Mary Tyler Moore (1936-2017)
                    December 30:  
LeBron James, 38
                                            A. J. Pierzynski, 46
                                            Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods, 47
                                            Patti Smith, 76
                                            Paul Stookey, 85
                                            Sanford Koufax, 87
                                            John Hartford (1937-2001)
                                            Mary Penick ("Skeeter Davis," 1931-2004)
                                            Titus (39-81)
                   December 31:  Anthony Hopkins, 85
                                            
Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, 87
                                            Donna Summer (1948-2012)
                                            Henri Matisse (1869-1954)
                         January 1:  Country Joe McDonald, 81
                                            Sigismund the Old (1467-1548)

Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Pope Benedict, 95
                                Barbara Walters, 93
                                Kathy Whitworth, 83
                                Pelé, 82

Crossword  puzzle clue of the week:
                                                            20A "Strawberry's field, once"
        Answer:  SHEASTADIUM                                                                [L.A. Times, 12/22/22]

mabongad.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita,Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted): Deandre Mabonga, BM, 23, 5'9",160 lbs, probation violation (theft); Destiny Marie Davila, HF, 20, 5'4", 125 lbs, probaton violation (assault on public servant); Shannon Lee Davidson, WF, 49, 5', 193 lbs (Yorkshire hog), prob. viol. (theft); Shanteenera Eaden, BF, 28, 5'4", 142 lbs, prob.viol. (deadly ass.); Cody Wilson, WM, 30, 5'11", 185 lbs, upside down ears, ab.child
mabongad.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita,Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted): Deandre Mabonga, BM, 23, 5'9",160 lbs, probation violation (theft); Destiny Marie Davila, HF, 20, 5'4", 125 lbs, probaton violation (assault
on public servant); Shannon Lee Davidson, WF, 49, 5', 193 lbs (Yorkshire hog), prob. viol. (theft); Shanteenera Eaden, BF, 28, 5'4", 142 lbs, prob.viol. (deadly ass.); Cody Wilson, WM, 30, 5'11", 185 lbs, upside down ears, ab.child

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
New New York Congressman-elect George Santos admitted that he lied
about his work experience and education. .  .  . A man and his wife both
born on Christmas Eve 26 years ago had their first baby,  on  Christmas
Eve.  .  .  .  A Slovenian priest close to the Pope was accused of proposi-
tioning two nuns for a threesome to mirror the Holy Trinity. . . .  Nearly
feral cats have been deployed around Chicago,  Illinois,  to  control  the
rat  population.
                                                              
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18