February 26, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket –
this week's headlines:
Crippling
surgery Hulk Hogan Hospital Horror (Globe); Harrison Ford, 80, ticking
time bomb, Friends fear actor's next accident will kill him (Examiner);
I Love Lucy 20 things you never new; Inside
Fred's
bixarre contract;Lucy's favorite episode, Secret behind Ricardos' phone
no., Whose mom came to every taping (Examiner); Hail Mary's retired Tom
Brady begs Gisele Buncchen, 'Take me back!'
(Enquier);
Lisa Marie: 'My escape from Scientology' (Enqurer); Eaten alive by
royal firestorm, Pathetic Prince Harry hitting the bottle! Drunken
antics revealed, Boozing to numb the pain (Globe)
Stalker menace Kelly Clarkson chassed out of Hollywood (Globe)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Malachi
Dean wrote Thurs 2/23/23 @22:00 CST:
Cream of the Wheat:
"Ya gotta strike while the pussy is hot!"
A car drove
through the front wall of the Peephole
Bar & Grill
in Evansville.
[courtesy
Evansville Courier]
South
Bend'smost wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Javier
Garcia-Alcantra, HM, 5'7", 165 lbs, residential entry; Jessie
Fitzgerald III, BM,
5'11",
150 lbs, coke, felon w/firearm; Destefano Richardson, BM, 6'1", 230
lbs, auto theft; Deonte Woods, BM, 6', 150 lbs, felon with firearm
The
movie Cocaine
Bear opened at the Kentucky Theater in
Lexington.
[courtesy LEX18]
Benjamin
Scott Tomlin, 30, Bardstown, crim.misch.,evading; Priscilla
CathlinVanegas, 38, Chaplin, meth, marijuana; Nathan Brent Greathouse,
38,
Bardstown,resisting
arrest; Brittany PaigeSellers-Case, 26, Betsy Layne, failure to appear;
Wesley Ryan Moore, 34, Bowling Green, FTA
Quotation of the
week:
"I
did the worst thing out of the best motivation."
– Yang
Junming, who stabbed his 13-year-
old son to death for
not studying
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"An old buddy of mine came by one morning as I was
drinking beer
and asked, 'Why do you drink beer all the time?', and I
replied, 'Be-
cause it makes me thirsty!'"
– Leonard Simon
|
 |
Birthdays:
February 20:
Rihanna, 35
Trevor Noah, 39
Cindy
Crawford, 57
Charles Barkley, 60
Patty
Hearst, 69
Mitch
McConnell, 81
Phil Esposito, 81
Buffy Sainte-Marie, 82
Elroy Face, 95
Kurt Cobain (1967-1994)
Nancy Wilson (1937-2018)
Bobby Unser (1934-1968)
Sidney Poitier (1927-2022)
Ansel Adams (1902-1984)
February 21:
Charlotte Church, 37
Rhiannon Giddens, 47
Mary
Chapin Carpenter, 65
Tricia Nixon Cox, 76
Kurt Cobain (1967-1994)
Nina Simone (1933-2003)
Erma Bombeck
(1927-1996)
Robert Mugabe (1924-2019)
W. H. Auden (1907-1973)
Anais Nin (1903-1977)
Charles Scribner (1831-1871)
February
22: Vijay Singh, 60
Julius Erving, 73
Tom & Dick Van
Arsdale, 80
Teddy Kennedy (1932-2009)
Marni Nixon (1929-2016)
Don Pardo (1918-2014)
Robert Wadlow (tallest human, 8'11") (1918-1940)
Charles
Finley (1918-1996)
Jadwiga Szajna-Lewandowska (1912-1994)
Edna
St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950)
Bill Klem (1874-1951)
George Washington (1732-1799)
February 23: Dakota
Fanning, 29
Naruhito, 63
Michelle Shocked, 61
Ed "Too Tall"
Jones, 72
Fred
Biletnikoff, 80
Peter Fonda (1940-2019)
Samuel Pepys (1633-1703)
February 24: Edward James Olmos 76
Joe Lieberman, 81
Steve Jobs (1955-2011)
Fred
Dean (1952-2020)
Honus Wagner (1874-1955)
Wilhelm Grimm (1786-1859)
February 25: Sally
Jessy Raphael,
88
George
Harrison
(1943-2001)
Ron Santo
(1940-2010)
Faron Young
(1932-1996)
Ralph Stanley
(1927-2016)
Monty Irvin
(1919-2016)
Jim Backus (1913-1989)
John Foster
Dulles
(1888-1959)
Caruso
(1873-1921)
Renoir
(1841-1919)
February 26: Recep
Tayyip Erdoğan, 69
Michael
Bolton, 70
Johnny Cash (1932-2003)
Antoine "Fats"
Domino (1928-2017)
Tony
Randall
(1920-20040
Preacher
Roe
(1918-2008)
Senator Robert
Taft Jr.
(1917-1993)
Grover
Cleveland
Alexander
(1887-1950)
Levi
Strauss
(1829-1902)
Victor Hugo
(1802-1885)
Good
King Wenceslas
(1361-1400)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Huey "Piano" Smith, 89
Barbara Bosson, 83
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
41A "Bill
building"
Answer:
CAPITOL
[New
Yorker, 2/22/23]
Wanted
in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick County
Sheriff): Larry Scott Cheatham, WM, 46, 6', 175 lbs, tattooed,
probation violation(opiates); Ronald Remington Williams, BM, 5'9", 160
lbs,
probation
violation (aggravated battery), Don Raymond Ralph Kirk, WM, 41, 5'7",
165 lbs, tattooed, prob. viol. (opiates); Amy Loree Jaso, a/k/a Amy
Slothower, WF, 48, 5'3", 144 lbs, probation violation (giving false
information)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Marjorie Taylor Greene said the "red" states and the
"blue" states should get a
divorce.
. . . Five-and-a-half weeks into his first term,
Pennsylvania Senator
John
Fetterman (D) checked into a hospital for clinical
depression. . . . China
and Iran asked the Taliban to end discrimination against
women. . . . An Indo-
nesian killed his fiancée for accusing him of sleeping
with a cow. . . . It snow-
ed in Southern California.
[courtesy
Harper's, LEX18, AP]
Dear
Eleanor:
I'm an only 11-yard-old
girl, but I want the truth and
not the lies most people tell kids. I've had a
best friend,
"Janie,"
about four years. I'm an only child, and my pa-
rents are
divorced; and Janie is everything to me. I re-
cently started
middle school, and now we have only one
class together. Janie recently
befriended another girl. I
don't think I
can compete with that girl because she is re-
ally pretty
and wears designer clothes. Janie and this girl
always hang
out together, and it makes me feel left out.
I can't lose
her. She is like a sister I never had. Should I
do
something? If so, what?
Lost and aloneDear
Lostie:
Get a sex change operation and fuck Janie's
brains out She'-
ll come around.
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in
intellectual
dissection of important current events are invited
to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at
the offices of Borf Books outside Brownsville,
Kentucky, after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers lined up for meetings in the near future
include Marianne
Williamson.
|
 
|
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
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"Your worst humiliation is only
someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett
February 19, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket –
this week's headlines:
s
Chilling room-by-room crime
scene analysis, Idaho college murders: Inside house of horrors, Killer
sneaked through locked door, How monster muffled victims'
screams,Twisted motive behind brutal bloodbath (Enquirer); College kill
spree bombshell, Idaho psycho trained to outwit the law, Obsessed with
the perfect crime (Enquirer); Country legend tells all, Willie Nelson,
89: My wild and wonderful life, Truth about booze, pot & women, His
best day and only regret,
How he beats old age (Examiner); Nannies tell
all, World's richest kids, Princess Charlotte, 7, has staff of 13; Blue
Ivey, 10, asked for $80,000; Knox, 14, flies his own plane; Alabama, 16,has 2 millioon Insta followers (Star)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Malachi Dean wrote
Thurs 2/9/23 @19:00 CST:
Sign at Wheatley's:
" No trespassing: Violators will be prostituted."
The state's
Supreme Court ruled that
cameras
can be allowed
in
courtrooms.
South
Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Chiqueal Baker, BM,
5'9",170 lbs, robbery; Justin Smith, WM, 5'9", 180 lbs, battery, meth,
Melissa Davies,
WF,
5'7", 195 lbs, meth, possession of syringe; Donald Brewster, BM, 6'2",
220 lbs, viol. release conditions (heroin)); [Escaped or bailed out
before we could ID him]
Dumb
news from Kentucky:
Busted
in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Kelly Brooks Kidd, 39,
Bardstown, pro. viol. (tech. issue); Stephen Michael Collins, 36,
Louisville, meth; Farrah-
Renée
Payton-Lasick, 23, Louisville, f.t.a.; Justin Dewayne Curtsinger, 33,
Cox' Creek, probatioon violation; Michaell Joseph Burke, 56, New Haven,
contempt of court
The Rowan County High
School boys basketball
coach was
charged with the rape of a female pupil.
[courtesy LEX18]
Quotations of
the week:
"People are scared, upset and
believing crazy things being said on the
internet."
– Georgia Congresswoman
Marjorie Taylor Greene
"They've put warning labels on liquor: 'Caution:
Alcohol can be dangerous to pregnant women.'
Is that not ironic? If it weren't for alcohol,
most women would not be pregnant."
– Rita Rudner
"I can't think of anything worse after a
night of drinking than waking up next to someone
not being able to remember his name, or
how we met, or why he's dead."
– Laura
Kightlinger
"A bar in New York is installing a
breathalyzer: If you're drunk, it advises you not
to
drive. If you're very drunk, it
advises you not to call your old girl friend."
– Conan
O'Brien
"One martini is all right. Two is too
much. Three is not enough."
–
James Thurber
"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."
– George Carlin
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said.):
"I went out with
a good-looking girl once, and she made me look bad."
– Leonard Simon
|
|
Birthdays:
February
13: Jerry
Springer, 78
Marilyn
Pauline "Kim"
Novak, 89
Carol
Lynley
(1942-2019)
February
14: Carl
Bernstein, 80
Michael Bloomberg, 82
Edzard I Cirksena,
the Great (1462-1528)
February
15: Ron Cey,
76
Susan
Brownmiller,
89
February
16: LeVar
Burton, 67
Salvatore
"Sonny" Bono
(1935-1998)
February
17: Paris
Hilton, 43
Tuesday
Knight, 55
Michael
Jordan, 61
Jim
Brown, 88
Huey
Newton
(1942-1989)
Hal
Holbrook
(1925-2021)
February
18: Molly Ringwald,
56
Vanna White,
67
John
Travolta, 70
Judy "Juice" Newton,
72
Cybill
Shepherd, 74
Yoko Ono, 91
February 19: Eric Yates, 56
Hana Mandlikova, 61
Tabloid
deadlines:
Raquel Welch, 82
Tim McCarver, 81
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
32D
"Runner-up"
Answer:
LOSER
[L.A.
Times, 2/10/23]
Wanted
in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick County
Sheriff: Ernesto Calibres Olivas, WM, 37, 5'11", 160 lbs,
domest. violence; Dereka Muno Nash, BM, 48, 5'8", 200
lbs,
narcotics; Haley Jenkins, WF, 25, 5'3", 170 lbs, felon with firearm;
Cortez Dequan Smith, BM, 6'4", 180 lbs, rob., kidnap.; Derek Daignault,
WM, 27, 6', 170 lbs, probation violation (opiates)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Portion
of Japanese Americans who support the Democratic Party: 2/3.
. . . Portion
of Vietnamese Americans who do: 1/3. . . . Per cent
of bird
watcher increases in U.S. since 2019: 16. . . . In the
number of pickle-
ball players: 39. . . . Percentage
of Americans who say their brains shut
down when they encounter any form of data: 29. . . . Percentage
of Am-
ericans who have reported paranormal experiences: 67. . . Percentage of
U.S. homeowners who believe their homes are haunted: 49. . .
.Turkish
President Recep
Tayyip Erdogan, who came to power 20 years ago af-
ter a mishandling of an earthquake and has been criticized for
slow res-
cues in the present disaster with new elections in three
months, said he
would allow $5.3 billion in relief. . . . A man in
Nashville, Tennessee,
resisted arrest by shoving his cat
into a policeman's face. . . . The "Cat
Shaver" of Coventry, England, carved a bald spot on Bonnie
Towe's
6-year-old Tallulah's stomach and others in the community.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
Wamted
in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted):
Travalle Deshawn Mason, BM, 32, 5'7", 165 lbs, theft; Amber Christian
Herring, WF, 37, 5'4",
140
lbs, family assault; Sasha Mae Garcia, HF, 36, 5'4", 260 lbs (Yorkshire
hog), probation viol. (ctrld. substs.); Anthony C. Martin, HM, 5'4",
215 lbs, Evading arrest
Dear
Eleanor:
When my mother was
dying of cancer, she chose
to die at home and not at my pious sister's
house.
My sister resented this and made
only brief visits
during Mom's final
days. The day the nurse said
Mom would probably die within
hours, my sister
stopped by and
then left for a week's vacation.We
postponed the funeral until she
returned, and she
showed up to
the visitation in a souvenir T-shirt.
After the funeral, Sis, as executrix, didn't want my
brother or me to go through Mom's things. Instead
she had an
auction, and we had to bid on closed
boxes. Many of
the things we know belonged to
Mom did not show up,
and somehow my sister's
name got on the deed to the
family farm.
There has been no accounting of the income from
the auction; and when we asked, Sis became angry.
The final straw was that my
mother wrote a perso-
nal letter to me but did
not get around to mailing it.
Sis found it,
made copies and passed it out to ever-
yone but me. I'd
like the original, but Sis says,
"Finders, keepers."
Confused
in Missouri
Dear Fused:
Yours are questions for a
lawyer, not an advice colum-
nist. Write to Natty
Bumppo, Attorney at Law, P.O.
Box
413, Brownsville KY 42210. By the way, did it
say "RSVP" on Sis' souvenir TEE?
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Freb Cood.
HOW TO
UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
February 12, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket –
this week's headlines:
You'll
never guess who's No. 1, Cher rates her lovers, Alexander Edwards,
Warren Beatty, Tom Cruise (Examiner) Where's Sonny Bono? Ed. TH; Rex
Linn, Reba McEntyre "My new life & love!' How she made peace with
the past, Sneak peek at comeback movie, red hot romance
(Examiner);
Princess Kate breaks her silence, 'I'll always love Harry!" (Life &
Style); Travis & Kourtney: Miracle baby at 43? (Life & Style);
Destroyed by their exes: Kim: 'Kanye took my soul,'
Selena: Contemplated suicide over Justin, Olivia: Thought she
& Nick'd get married
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Malachi Dean wrote
Mon 2/6/23 @20:00 CST:
Wheatley's
nonprofit: PETS: People for the Ethical Treatment of
Sluts.
J. Ewing wrote
Thurs 2/9/23 @14:52 EST:
"Church of England to consider
use of gender-neutral terms for
God."
God the
Parent? God the Progeny? God the Holy Poltergeist? The
3 P's of the Trinity? Get ready for the breakout
of global theologi-
cal wars before they get through Genesis with their red
pencils.
Two 67-year-old men
were arrested in Noble County in the 1975
murder
of a 17-year-old girl (they woulda been 19 at the time).
[courtesy Terre Haute Tribune Star]
Saints Joan of Arc and Patrick School
in Kokomo christened a renovated
gymnasium.
A large striped cat was zooed
by the Exotic Feline
Rescue Center.
South
Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stopperrs Inc.): Curtis Scott Jr.,
BM, 6', 200 lbs, domestic battery; Reginald Townsend, BM,
6'4",
240 lbs, violating release conds.; Naomi Cramer, WF, 5'4", 110 lbs,
possession of legend drug, Henry Sims, BM, 5'10", 200 lbs, theft coke
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A midstate prosecutor
resigned facing impeachment for
granting favors to a woman defendant in exchange for
nude
photos of her. . . .
A mother refereeing basketball games in her son's
church
league was fired for being gay.
[courtesy LEX18]
Lexington'smost
wanted: Jordan Young, BM, 29, 5'10', 150 lbs, assault 2°, 4°, dating,
kidnapping; Chelsea Carson, WF, 31, 5'1", 130 lbs, violation of
supervised release (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
Quotations of the week:
"Just because the President of the United
States is a 40-year career
pathological liar doesn't make it OK for anyone else to go out and
do
that."
– George
Santos
"Just a reminder that you will never be
President."
–
Santos,
to Mitt Romney
"The middle finger, which is higher
than the others, reminds us of something
essential:
Honesty."
– The Pope
|
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"Older men can
have sex longer, but who wants to fuck an old man
for a long time?"
– Leonard Simon
|
|
Wanted
in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted):
Danny Almanza, HM, 38, 5'7", 150 lbs, burglary; Chana Romine, WF, 43,
5', 200 lbs (Yorkshire hog), credit/
debit
card abuse; Robert Butler, BM, 29, 5'7", 153 lbs, burglary; Cynthia
Maldonado, HF, 65, 6/'2", 170 lbs, burglary; Matthew Chilliton, WM, 37,
5'7", 165 lbs, prob. fiol. (c.s., burgl.)
Birthdays:
February 6: Axl
Rose, 61
Fabian Forte, 80
Tom Brokaw, 83
Joan Lucille
Olander ("Mamie Van Doren"), 92
Natalie Cole (1950-2015)
Bob Marley (1945-1981)
Elmore Rual
"Rip" Torn Jr.
(1931-2019)
Zsa Zsa Gabor
(1916-2016)
February 7: Garth
Brooks, 61
Burt Hooton, 73
Sir Thomas More (1478-1535)
February 8: Flo, 53
Mary
Steenburgen, 70
Nick Nolte, 82
Ted Koppel, 83
"England Dan" Seals
(1948-2009)
James Dean
(1931-1955)
Jack Lemmon
(1925-2001)
Lana Turner (1921-1995)
February 9:
Joe Ely, 76
Maria
"Mia" Farrow, 78
Carole
King, 81
Roger
Mudd (1928-2021)
Ernest Tubb (1914-1984)
Bill Veeck (1914-1986)
February 10: Roberta Flack, 86
Robert Wagner, 93
Leontyne Price, 96
February
11: Sarah Palin, 59
Sheryl Crow, 61
John Ellis "JEB"
Bush, 70
Sergio Mendes, 82
Gene Vincent
(1935-1971)
King Farouk
(1920-1965)
George Washington
(1732-1799)
February 12: Moe Bandy, 79
Ehud
Barak, 81
Bill Russell (1934-2022)
Charles
Van Doren (1926-2019)
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
Charles Darwin (1809-1882)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Burt Bacharach, 94
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
1A "Kid's
parent"
Answer: GOAT
[L.A.
Times, 2/3/23]
Wanted
in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County
Sheriff): Michael McCullough, WM, 45, 5'10", 175 lbs, prob. vi.
(narcs.); Stephen
Douque,
WM, 50, 5'7", 175 lbs, burglary; Leroy Bates, BM, 6'1", 195 lbs,
aggravated assault; Nevin Nichols, BM, 20, 212 lbs, agrav. assault,
robbery
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
The House Judiciary Committee spent an hour arguing
whether to begin
its meetings with a recital of the Pledge
of Allegiance (but the proposal
was approved unanimously). . . . The Italian Supreme Court
ruled that
children do not have to see
their grandparents if they don't want to. . . .
A Mexican zoo director was accused of killing four pygmy
goats and
serving them up at a Christmas dinner. . . . A reporter at
an Ohio gover-
nor's press conference was arrested for being loud.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
Locked
up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Jerry Eden,
35, marijuana; Cheyenne Ponce, 26, cr. trespass; Alexandria Cardenas,
332, mj, ph; Joshua Felix, 38
terrorist
threatening; Sandra Owens, 32, theft; Bobby DePauw, 68, fam. ass.;
Nichelle Murphy, 55, ctrld. substnces; Sonny Carillo, 45, walking on
raod where sidewalk provided
Dear
Eleanor:
I recently
gave birth to our second child, a girl. Shortly afterward,
my husband called his
mother. She lives in a different state hours
away and
visits only once a year. When he told her the happy news
and our
little girl’s name, which we had kept a secret, she
became
upset. The name we had chosen,
unbeknownst to us, was the same
as her
husband’s mistress' from years ago. For days
afterward she
would call my husband crying and pleading with
him to change our
baby’s
name, telling him he should never have kept it a secret. She
told him
she would never speak that name. A week later we receiv-
ed a generous gift of baby clothes in the mail
from her. At this point
she
hasn’t checked in with me, the one who gave birth. She
refuses
to acknowledge our baby’s name, and will refer
to her only as "little
one." I don't know how to thank her for her generous gift, as
normal-
ly I
would just call her. But it's clear that
she doesn’t want to hear
from me. Could you please advise how we
move forward?
Wrong
Name in Pennsylvania
Dear Wrongo-Bongo:
I would suggest that you rename the baby
Curmudgeon.
|
Pattie Boyd,
inspirator and
brief spouse
of George
Harrison (and
then Eric Clap-
ton)
|
Pattie Boyd, inspirator and brief spouse of George Harrison (and then Eric Clapton)
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the
Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include God
the Poltergeist.
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
r
"Your worst humiliation is only
someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett
February 5, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket –
this week's headlines:
What they really look like, Karsashian s destroyed by vanity, damaged skin, collapsed noses, & going
bald (IT); Harry tormented by guilt, 'It'sall falling apart" (US); Pence says he hid behind classified docs
to keep women from lusing after him (Borowitz); Trump orders Pence to return documents to Mar-a-Lago
(Borowitz); Kamala Harris assures public no one has given her a classified document (Onion)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
We in Hunting Creek may or
may not get our mail on a given day.
We have gone two to four days with no delivery; and, no,
weather
is not a factor. Recently we went four days without, and then
not
until 9 p.m.
We're well aware of the growth of Bowling Green and
Warren
County; but since changing to a system managed in Nashville they
need to rebut their heads and find a solution. The Pony
Express
would beat our "service." We're forced to deal with late bill
char-
ges, not getting our mail order medications on time, and
getting
"happy birthday" cards late. Could we go back to the telegraph?
Clifton
Tomes, Bowling Green, Ky.
Dumb news from Indiana:
Lafayette
Central Catholic High School's Alex Thomas and West
Lafa-
yette's Rose Kaplan wrestle in the 120-lb. championship
match
of the
Indiana High School Athletic Association tournament. . .
.
McCutcheon High School Mavericks guard Audrey Miller
and forwards
Daija Shepherd and Sammy Wood (left to right) react to
their 31-22 drub-
bing by the Kokomo Wildcats in the sectional basketball
tournament.
McCutcheon's Chloe Finney and Koko-
mo's Avi Pollard fight for a loose ball.
[courtesy Lafayette
Journal & Courier]
South
Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Costa Demoff, WM,
5'9", 155 lbs, parole viol. (burglary); Corwin Stahl Jr., WM, 6', 185
lbs, burg, car theft; Heather Lau-MacLeod, WF, 5'9",
125
lbs, syringe, meth; Anthony Cravens, WM, 6'1", 160 lbs, burglary,
failure to go back to jail; Kevin Shields, WM, 5'10", 150 lbs, DUI,
coke; Erick Burton, BM, 5'4", 150 lbs, parole violation (confinement);
Clarice
Britt, BF, 5'2", 150 lbs, parole violation (burglary); Darius Tate, BM,
5'11", 160 lbs, p.v. (robbery); Charles Hardy III, WM, 5'6", 210 lbs,
meth; Dennis Douglas, BM, 5'5", 135 lbs, parole violation (burglary)
A
33-year-old Bosnian-born
Bowling Green (Ky.) man
was charged with terrorism for traveling to Syria to join
the Islamic State of Iraq.
[courtesy Park City [Bowling Green]
Daily News]
Lexington's most wanted: Jordan Young, BM, 29, 5'9", 150 lbs, assault 4° dating
violence, assault 2° kidnaping, wanton endangerment 1° (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
Punxsutawney
Phil may have seen his shadow in Pennsylvania
on Hog Day, but the Grounder
in south central Kentucky could
not; and that means winter is
over here.
Quotation of the week:
"One day, all
of this was going to be yours, son. But now I
wonder: Would you rather take Mars, or Jupiter?"
–
God to Jesus, as they look down upon Earth from Heaven
|
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"l say practice
tough love; it's free."
–
Leonard Simon
|
|
Birthdays:
January
30: Dick Cheney, 82
Vanessa
Redgrave, 86
Gene
Hackman, 93
Mary Kay Letourneau (1962-2020)
January
31: Justin Timberlake, 42
Nolan Ryan, 76
Philip Glass, 86
February 1: Ronda
Rousey, 36
Lisa Marie
Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood (1968-2023)
Don Everly (1937-2021)
Boris Yeltsin (1931-2007)
February
2: Graham Nash, 81
Fran
Tarkenton, 83
Tom Smothers, 86
Farrah Fawcett
(1947-2009)
February 3: Retief Goosen, 54
Morgan
Fairchild, 73
February 4: Lawrence
Taylor, 64
Vincent Furnier ("Alice
Cooper"), 75
Dan
Quayle, 76
February 5: Roger Staubach, 81
Hank Aaron
(1934-2021)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Bobby Hull, 84
Cindy Williams, 75
Fred la Marmotte, 9
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
6D "Hey,
ewe!"
Answer: BAA
[L.A.
Times, 1/27/23]
Wanted
in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick County
Sheriff): Robert Eugene Washburn, WM, 46, 5'6", 280 lbs, p.v. (dom.
battery)); Darrien Lee Stowers, WM, 29, 5'9", 170 lbs, provation
violation
(endang.
child); Sheria Crawford, WF, 37, 5'4", 125 lbs, probation violation
(narcotics); Michael Lara, HM, 29, 5'9", 200 lbs, probation violation
(opiates); Deronta Byrd Sr., BM, 33, 5'10", 250 lbs, narcotics, attempt
to elude
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A topless woman broke into
a Catholic church in Fargo, North Dakota,
and destroyed a statue
of Jesus. . . . A
Pennsylvanian was arrested for
threatening to blow up a courthouse and eat
a sheriff. . . . A New York-
er who thought he had booked a trip to
Sydney, Australia, wound up in
Sydney,
Montana. . . . Fred
la Marmotte, Quebec's version of Punxsu-
tawney Phil, was found dead in his burrow on February 2 (a
child with
a groundhog hat on stood in for him and, like Phil,
predicted six more
weeks of winter; but New York's Staten Island Chuck
predicted an ear-
ly spring for the eighth year in a row).
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
Locked
up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff) (Texoma's
most wanted): Dyllan Speller, 36, theft; Justice Guthrie, 16, graffiti;
April Mendoza, 22, theft;
Andrew
Archipolo, 33, public drunk; Austin Torres, 29, family assault; Diane
Gregory, 32, theft, maijuana; Rebecca Segura, 53, paraphernalia;
Richard Hogeda, 66, theft
Dear
Eleanor:
I’m a 32-year-old mom of a 6-year-old, a 4-year-old
and 11-month-old twins;
and I've been married six
years. I'm a Southern girl, but my husband is
an im-
migrant to this country. He
settled in the North, but
I've always told him I don't like
the North; I want to
move down south or at least to
the mid-country. We
are currently
house-hunting, and he keeps showing
me homes in the North even though
he knows I don't
want to live here. He loves
our stability here and the
friends we've
made over the years, but we both have
such flexibility with our jobs
that we can move to a
place we
both love. Recently he said I could go live
in the South if I want to –
alone. So now I'm wonder-
ing, should I break up our
family and take him at his
word, or keep talking to him?
Not
Nora of the North
Dear Sunshine Sally:
Where did you meet
this creep? Brooklyn?
And what were you
doing there?
Treat this ignorant
immigrant to your favorite
version of "The South
Shall Rise Again."
HOW TO
UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
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just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
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redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
lifetime.jpg Life Saver Dude: Haven't changed much, have we? 1916, 2016
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Kevin McCarthy.
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
