March 26, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket –
this week's headlines:
Pathetic
Prince Harry hitting the bottle (Globe); King Charles chooses Harry
over William, he & Meghan given major roles in coronation,
furious Kate threatens boycott (In Touch); The truth about their
marriage, Lisa Maarie & Michael Jackson
secrets
from grave, Michael proposed by mistake, pregnancy bombshell rocks
Presley family (Star); DeSantis installs higher heels on white boots
for 2024 race (Borowitz); Amy Coney Barrett searches Bible for God's
opinion of internet (Borowitz)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
J. Ewing
wrote Sat 3/18/23 @22:03 EST:
In the desire for a
nondiscriminatory approach, all singular pronouns
need to be changed to "s/he/it" – pronounced "sheit." If
people are
confused about their proper pronouns, they can simply
respond with
"sheit if I know." Groups
of people will now be referred to as "those
sheits." Persons of
questionable intelligence will now be referred to
as "having sheit for brains" Highly intoxicated people will be known
as "sheit faced." And
so on. Problem solved.
Dumb news from Indiana:
Smith,
Miller and Johnson were found to be the most
popular surnames
in Indiana, in that order.
[courtesy wane.com]
South Bend's most wanted, Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc., James Jenkins, BM, 5'11", 175 lbs, resisting arrest; Shayla Sink, WF, 5'
4",
110 lbs, welfarre fraud, Tra'shan Ford, BM, 6', 220 lbs, robbery &
injury, David Michael, WM, 5'11", 160 lbs, habitual traffic offender
callihan.jpg
Wanted in Darke County, Ohio (Greenville) (Darke County Crime
Stoppers): Teddy Allen Christopher Hunt, 34, 6'3", 205 lbs, tattoos rt.
arm "Union," "Chance," "Ohio State," marijuana leaf, left arm
&
hand "Bralynn," "City," skull "Deathwith Dishonor," clown face with
torn skin, clown face inside cross w/flames, "Rams" w/NFL symbol,
probation violation; Gregory James Bowling, 40, 5'9", 160 lbs, tattoos
chest
"ALPHA", l. shldr. clown, r. shldr. Grim Reaper, r. arm "CB," left arm
& hand face & crab, r leg tribal art, l, ankle barbed wire,
l.leg "ASHLEY," "GABRIEL"& "ETHAN"in a heart, back: "BOWLING":
Probation
violatioon; Brittany Harris, 32, 5', 120lbs, tattoosins. r.forrearm
mouth inhaling smoke, inside r.elbow butterfly, rt.hand star
w/"Nicholas Jordan" & crown w/"Love" & "BZZZ," star, r hand
"FAITH,"
inside
r. wrist "11/17/06" & 3 stars, inside ankle circle & curve,
behind left ear 2 music notes & star, left foot two cherries tied
in a bow, r. foot "Loyalty": Parole violation; Darren Callihan, 21,
5'11", 145 lbs.,
tattoos
rt. forearm "Est. 2002" & "Air Jordan," right shldr. "Pray for the
weak," 2 roses & gun, neck black & white stem rose, l. forrearm
"You will forever be my always": Probation viol.; Ryan M. Reynolds,
36,
5'6",180 lbs, tattoos right torso "SOE," back "13," right arm cross
w/skull, l. arm 2 naked women, chest "Loved by few, hated by many,"
left leg "Vasquez": Parole violation
Quotations of
the week:
"Our banking system remains sound."
–
Janet
Yellen
|
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"I got pulled over
for driving drunk; I said to the cop, ‘Liquor!? But, officer, I
barely know her!’ Long story short, he didn't like
my joke."
– Leonard Simon
|
 |
Birthdays:
March 20: Holly Hunter, 65
Carl Palmer, of
Emerson, Lake and, 73
Bobby Orr, 75
Ranger Doug, 77
Harold Lipshitz ("Hal Linden"), 92
Jerry Reed (1937-2008)
Fred Rogers (1928-2003)
Carl Reiner (1922-2020)
March 21: Rosie O'Donnell, 61
Jair Bolsonaro, 68
Solomon Burke (1940-2010)
March 22: Reese Witherspoon, 47
Andrew Lloyd Webber, 75
Billy Collins, 82
William Shatner, 92
Pat Robertson,
93
Stephen
Sondheim (1930-2021)
March 23: Gail Goodrich, 80
Roger
Bannister (1929-2018)
March 24: Peyton Manning, 45
Jesus Alou, 81
Lawrence Ferlinghetti (1919-2021)
March 25: Danica Patrick,
41
Reginald Kenneth Dwight ("Elton
John"), 76
Anita Bryant, 83
Gloria Steinem, 89
Aretha Franklin (1942-2018)
March 26: Charly
McClain, 67
Diana Ross, 79
Bob Woodward, 80
Erica Jong, 81
Richard Dawkins, 82
Nancy Pelosi,
83
Mahmoud Abbas, 88
Sandra Day O'Connor,
93
Manuel Jeronimo Romero de Avila
(1717-1779)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Willis Reed, 80
kaifefea.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most
wanted) Kaifa Feadmoengalu Tapa, UM, 27, 6'3", 170 lbs, marijuana;
Daniela Soledad Gallardo, HM, 27, 4' 10", 100 lbs probatio
violation
(injury to child); Jairett Coran Ferguson, BM, 30, 5'9", 150 lbs.,
c.s.; Jenetta Robinson, BF, 27, 5', 175 lbs (Yorkshire hog): bad check;
Connard Lee Riddles III, WM, 37, 5'11", 180 lbs, abandoned child
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
45A
"Hamilton,"
essentially
Answer:
HIPHOPERA
[New
Yorker, 3/1/23]
pucylows.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick
County Sheriff) David Allen Pucylowski ("Pooch"), WM, 5'7", 215 lbs,
opiates; Julian Cesar Wedge
("Juju"),
WM, 22, 5'9", 160 lbs, offender failure to rregister; Stephanie
McCoy,WF, 34, 5'3", 160 lbs, burglary; Dominic Sanchez, BM, 31, 5'10",
150 lbs, probation viol. (failure to register)
Borf 's
weekly BONUS:
Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders signed a bill that will allow con-
struction of a "monument to the unborn" near the Arkansas capitol.
. . . Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen was attacked while smoking
outside a hotel in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. . . . A mountain
lion
clawed a man sitting in an in-ground hot tub in Nathrop, Colorado.
. . . Utah
adopted a new state flag – red, white & blue with a beehive.
[courtesy Harper's,
LEX18, AP]
johngarg.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Grreen County, Texas, Sheriff
(Texoma's most wanted) Glenn Blackburn, 51, indecency w/child; Ashley
Castillo,35, drug paraphernalia;
Jose
Salazar, 29, criminal trespass; Brandi Thomas, 49, DUI; Lonnie Free,
45, family assault; Mikayla Berger, 19, credit card abuse; John
Gaargan, 20, cruelty to nonlivestock animals
Dear
Eleanor:
I have two brothers – Zach, 38, and Gil, 15. Gill believes
that
I am his mother and was forced to give him up
to be raised by
our mom and
dad as a teenager.
It isn't
true. I was 17 when he was born; so it was possible. But
it never
happened. But I have found no way to convince him of
that. He will
let go every now and then, but his idea will bubble
back to the
surface. He approached my former boy friend to ask
if he was his real father,
called our parents "grandmother" and
grandfather," and made bitter, inappropriate
comments at family
events about my raising
my "other children." My children are
toddlers and don't understand him. Zach
wants us to do a DNA
test to settle
this but other proof we've offered (photos of me not
pregnant the
year he was born) just made Gil dig his heels in har-
der. I
believe Gil needs some real psychological help. And any-
way, our
parents won't agree. They say we shouldn't dignify his
delusion by
addressing it.
Not
His Mama
Dear Notso:
How 'bout DNA?
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Tucker
Carlson.
lifefing.jpg Life Saver Dude: Up yours too
HOW TO
UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
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THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
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cial filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
March 19, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket –
this week's headlines:
hed2303.jpg
Coronatioon crisis, Queen Camilla falls off wagon (Globe); Raquel Welch
died bitter and hating men (Enquirer); Bruce Willis facing a 'cruel'
disease, new dementia diagnosis (People); 15 famous
girls
who grew up poor, Shania 'went to school hungry,' Cher 'ashamed of my
clothes,' Dolly 'we had no electricity,' Jennifer 'three to a bed,'
Celine '14 kids & broke,' Demi 'pimped out' (Examiner)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Malachi Dean wrote
Weds 3/8/23 @12:00 CST:
Definition:
"Algorithm": Noun: A phat beat laid down
by the vice president of the Clinton administration.
Dumb news from Indiana:
jerrglen.jpg
Jerry Glenn, now 36, arrested in 2011 for distribution of a controlled
substance, was sentenced to 11 years on a federal meth charge
The Kokomo Symphony Orchestra postponed its
Sunday con-
cert "KSO
Strings Shred Classic Rock" indefinitely on
account of the conductor's father's death.
[courtesy Kokomo
Tribune]
Mike Pence said
Pete Buttigieg had taken maternity
leave af-
ter Buttigieg and his husband, Chasten Butigieg,
adopted
twins.
[courtesy
Associated Press]
South Bend's most wanted, Gary Franklin, BM, 5'3", 110 lbs, parole violation (c.s. on school property) (Michiana Crime Stoppeers
Inc.; Lexington's most wanted, James George, BM, 28, 6', 240 lbs,
unlawful imprisonment, leaving scene, Bluegrass Crime Stoppers
Dumb news from Kentucky:
The first ever Duncan
Hines Days will arrive at Bowling Green on June
15. Named after the local man with the cake mix, the
week will celebrate
food, travel and entertainment. Bowling Green had for
years a "Duncan
Hines Festival" downtown, but it moved to Western
Kentucky University
and then to Cheney's Dairy Barn.
[courtesy Park City Daily News]
Quotations of the
week:
"Do not allow your
children to mix drinks. They use too
much
vermouth."
– Fran Lebowitz
"Flipping the proverbial bird is a
God-given, Charter-enshrined right that belongs to
every
red-blooded Canadian."
– Quebec Judge Dennis
Galiatsatoson
Birthdays:
March 13:
Neil Sedaka, 84
March 14: Simone Biles, 26
Wes Unseld (1946-2020)
Maurice
Joseph Micklewhite ("Michael Caine"), 90
Quincy Jones, 90
Kirby Puckett (1960-2006)
March 15: Eva
Longoria, 48
Ryland
Cooder, 76
Sylvester
Stewart ("Sly
Stone"), 77
Ruth
Bader Ginsburg
(1933-2020)
St.
Nicholas
(270-343)
March
16: Patty
Griffin, 59
Nancy
Wilson (of
Heart), 69
Jerry
Lewis
(1926-2017)
Jerry
Jeff Walker
(1942-2020)
March
17: Stormy
Daniels, 45
Mia Hamm, 51
Pattie
Boyd
(ex Mrs.
George
Harrison, ex
Mrs. Eric
Clapton),
79
John
Wayne Gacy
(1942-1994)
Paul Kantner
(1941-2016)
Nat King
Cole
(1919-1965)
March 18:
Dana Elaine
Owens ("Queen
Latifah"), 54
Geronimo
Berroa, 56
Charley Pride (1934-2020)
March
19: Sirhan
Sirhan, 79
Ursula
Andress, 87
Tabloid
deadlines:
Bobby Caldwell, 71
willvela.jpg Wanted
in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted)
Willie Vela Jr., HM, 31, 6', 225 lbs, felon w/firearm; Lizabeth
Mendoza, HF, 30, 5'3", 120 lbs,
aband.
ch.; Jose Miuel Nunez, BM, 39, 6'1", 240 lbs, cred. cd. ab.; Cassandra
Rena Webb, WF, 31, 5'1", 130 lbs, theft of firearm; Dustin Jared
Parker, WM, 33, 5'6", 195 lbs, assault
Crossword
puzzle clue of the week:
30D
Site
of creation?
Answer: ETSY
(no, not
EDEN)
[L.A.
Times, 3/4/23]
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Prince Andrew was said to be furious that he would not
be allowed to wear
flowing velvet robes and a headpiece topped with ostrich
feathers to his fa-
ther King Charles' coronation. . . . An anime
voice actress tweeted a remin-
der to her fans to bathe
before attending her concert. . . . Percentage of A-
mericans who vote: 63. . . . of Hungarians: 71. . . . of
Uruguayans: 95. . . .
Glendale, Arizona, temporarily changed its name to Swift
City in celebra-
tion of a Taylor Swift concert. . . . The French
bulldog was declared the
most popular dog in America. . . . Prince Harry sued the British tabloid
newspaper the Mail for libel.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, Snopes, AP]
clemonss.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick
County Sheriff): Seth Dulaney, WM, 43, 6'3", 200 lbs, receiving stolen
property; Ezekiel Santana Rizo, HM, 21, 5'6",
130
lbs, tattoos on right arm and hand, probation violation (domestic
battery, burglary); Jessica Cruz, WF, 38, 5'5", 169 lbs, endangering a
child; Sylvester Clemons, BM, 40, 5'6", 170 lbs, narcotics
Dear
Eleanor:
My
20-year-old niece, "Andrea," came to visit her
grandmother wearing a nose stud. Andrea is
quiet,
is polite to her grandparents and
aunt and is in her
third year of college. Her
grandmother is livid at
her
daughter, my sister, for "allowing" the girl to
do this (it
appears that Andrea may be trying to re-
bel at this
age.) Her grandmother is footing the bill
for her
college.
Who can
help Grandmother get Granddaughter to
stop this behavior, and how?
Andrea has never
done anything
like this before, and this is not like
her.
Her friends don't look or act like Goths
or
punks. This is
so out of character. She earns good
grades,
and she's usually a quiet girl who never
speaks to
anyone other than her mom or brothers.
Please advise.
Taken
Aback in New York
Dear
Backy-Back:
The nerve of that
young punk! Someone should
rip that stud
off her nose and shove it up her
nose.
kevyates.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas,
Sheriff)(Texoma's most wanted): Kevin Yates, 22, fiction; Sally
Stewart, 57, cr. tresp.; Michael Martin,
33,
paraphern.; Rebecca Bennett, 27, c.s.; Mark Torres, 37, crim. mischief;
Sierra Valles, 26, cr. misc.; Chance Taylor, 29, burglary, assault;
Letitia Contreras, 27, deadly ass.
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Emmanuel
Macron.
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
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just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line,
"GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
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exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
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We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
lifesumo.jpg: Hee-yah! Circa1802 Jeremiah Parker becomes history's first sumo rustler; Life Saver Dude: Sumbddy had to be . . .
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
March 12, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket –
this week's headlines:
Cops
rush to Britney's house, the terrifying 911 call (Enquirer); Brooke
Shields: 'the truth about my past", lies, addiction & childhood
exploitation (In Touch); Men
under
30 explain why they're not having sex, 'Waiting for my girl friendto
turn 18,' 'A man must have mney for sex,' 'I cannot spare the fluids,'
'It looks stupid' (Onion)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
J. Ewing wrote Sun
3/5/23 @07:20 EST:
Indiana State Senate
Bill 12 would provide "that a school library
may not make a
book available that contains obscene matter . . . ."
They are going to have to get rid of all copies of the
Bible. For ex-
ample:
Then went
Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in
unto her. – Judges
(16) 1. More
examples.
Hemp
growers complained that new state regulations
were kill-
ing their business.
[courtesy Terre Haute Tribune]
Elkhart's
most wanted (Elkhart County Prosecuting Attorney's office): Ruthann M.
Benoit, a/k/a Galloway, a/k/a Nixon, 59, 4'11", 140 lbs,
nonsupport;
Ignacio "Nacho" Bahena, 37, attempted murder; Priscilla Ann Davis, 26,
5'4", coke; Vicki Elaine Baker, prosedutint attorney
Schools
in Kentucky's two largest cities, Louisville and Lex-
ington, were closed Monday due to damage from Friday's
powerful windstorms.
[courtesy LEX18]
Busted
in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): MatthewTravis Atherton, 35,
Buffalo, technical parole vi.; Edward Lee McKinley, 51, Louisville,
nonpayment of fines; Evelyn
Celina
Stephenson, 51, LaGrange, meth, mj, paraphernalis, Fess Lee Matthews,
34, Lexington, felon w/handgun, mj, speeding; Baker Turner Davie,
Bardstown, public drunk
Quotations of
the week:
"I may be a white boy, but I'm not
stupid."
–
Joe Biden
"Under the leadership of Governor
DeSantis, Florida is more than a laboratory. We
are a model."
–
State Senate President Kathleen Passidomo
"God
said, 'I'm going to take the most broken
person and I'm going to elevate him to the place
of
being the mayor of the most powerful
city on the Globe. He could have made me the
mayor of
Topeka."
– Eric Adams
Birthdays:
March 6: Shaquille O'Neal, 51
Pauline Matthews ("Kiki
Dee"), 76
Willie Stargell, 83
Alan Greenspan, 97
March 7: Janet Guthrie, 85
March 8: Margaret Annemarie Battavio ("Little Peggy
March"), 75
Micky Dolenz, 78
Tula Finklea ("Cyd Charisse,"
1922-2008)
March 9:
Robin Trower, 78
Mickey Gilley (1936-2022)
Bobby Fischer (1943-2008)
March
10: Edie Brickell, 57
Prince Edward, 59
Chuck Norris, 83
Norman Blake,
85
Osama bin
Laden (1957-2011)
March 11: César Gerónimo, 75
Sam Donaldson, 89
Rupert Murdoch, 92
March 12: James Taylor, 75
Mitt Romney, 76
Liza Minnelli, 77
Andrew Young, 91
Edward
Albee (1928-2016)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Robert Blake, 89
Gary Rossington, 71
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
45A
"Hamilton,"
essentially
Answer:
HIPHOPERA
[New
Yorker, 3/1/23]
Wanted
in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick County
Sheriff): Elias T. Rojas, HM, 27, 5'6", 225 lbs, prob. viol. (burgl.);
Cesar Juarez-Martinez, HM, 32, 5'4", 175
lbs,
prob. viol. (dom. bat.); Dayton Allen Smith, BM (sic), 20, 6', 150 lbs,
probation violation (felon w/firearm), a/k/a Mikayla Wheeler, WF, 21,
5'4", 170 lbs, probation violation (ag.assault,
battery,
deadly weapon, rude & angry); Michael Powers, WM, 46, 6', 190 lbs,
probation violation (aggravated assault); Preciliano Martinez, HM, 44,
5'8", 230 lbs, pro.viol. (ag. battery)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Tennessee Governor Bill
Lee, who once dressed as a woman in high school,
signed a bill banning drag
shows viewable by minors. . . . Seven
sheep es-
caped a slaughterhouse and were wandering the streets of
Paterson, New
Jersey. . . . The Utah Division of Wildlife Resoources, which promoted last
month a recipe for spicy teriyaki goose
jerky, urged people to kill and cook
bullfrogs.
. . . Amiry
the Cat was found in a tree in Cincinnati, Ohio, under
the influence of cocaine. . . . Colorado Congresswoman Lauren
Boebert is
preparing to become a 36-year-old
grandmother.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): JacobWhitt, 28, DWOL; Ashley Holcomb, 31, burglary;
Amber
Flores,
33, fam. viol.; Ross Hendrick, 41, fam.viol.; Jessielee Hudson, 29,
walking in traffic; Brianna Acevedo, 25, mj; Thanh Vonghaeng, 48, mj
Dear
Eleanor:
Money is a constant issue in our home. I need my wife to
quit
her part-time job at a superstore and find one with a better salary.
She knows
this. But every time I bring it up, she gets angry and
defensive and
says that I am calling her lazy. I'm totally not say-
ing
that. She's a hard worker.
We have a
total of $50 in savings. We also have a young son and
hope to have
another child. I'd like to move into a house. To do
this we need
two full-time salaries. How do I bring this up with-
out making my wife angry? I love her dearly.
Grand Rapids, MI
I staunchly
refuse to attend gatherings thrown by a friend who is
obsessive about
RSVP's. She insists on it for everything
from
a backyard BBQ
to a girls' night at the movies. Telling her "yes"
over the phone
or in person doesn't count. It has to be by return
mail or a
response to an E-vite.
I live 200
miles away. I RSVP'd once but my car broke down
two days
before the event. I called immediately to tell her I was
unable
to come, and she berated me for having said "yes" if
it
was not a sure
thing – as if I'd planned for my car to break down.
Then she
criticized me for not being able to afford the repairs in
time. A
month later I received pictures of the trip to Europe she
treated
herself to in order to make up for the disappointment of
my having
ruined her party.
I rarely wish to be anywhere near her now and pointedly
ignore
all written invitations.
Had
Enough
I have to make
a quick comment in response to "Feeling the Void
in Indiana," who said men feel incomplete
without sex and will
risk everything for it. I
acknowledge and appreciate where this
man is coming from. My husband also "felt the void"
and did risk
everything to
fill it. Fortunately we were able to work through his
affair and
remain together.
As the
infirmities of older age begin to set in, my husband is now
grateful that I stuck by him and can care for
him, and he is less
concerned about sex. If "Feeling" has
not yet had a frank conver-
sation with
his wife about his needs and asked about her satisfac-
tion, he is making a huge mistake.
My husband thought I knew
what he needed and assumed I wouldn't care that he
was pursuing
satisfaction
elsewhere. But he didn't communicate clearly or ask
me if I was happy. That
cost us untold pain that could have been
avoided.
Wish It Had Been Different
Dear Grand Rapids, Had Enough & Wish It:
You all
remind me of the guy I got a letter from yesterday saying
he did not get laid last night but his wife did,
both in the same bed
and with no
one else present.March 12, 2023
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Tucker Carlson.
Pi, pi, pi, Life Saver Dude: A three-stoogish pi fight?
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
March 5,
2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the
counter in the supermarket –
this week's headlines:
Putin's
secret war on America, Russian spies hit U.S. power grid (Enquirer);
Joe & Jill are over the hill, bad polls ignite new marriage crisis;
she thrreatens to walk if Prez runs again; fighting
about
FBE raids, spy balloons; she knows octogenarian cannot win (Globe);
'Thrilled' Meghan: Pregnant again at 41! Three months along &
glowing, why she wants another boy (Star);
Meghan
to Harry: 'It's me or the Royals' (Enquirer); This time J-Lo pushed too
far; humiliated Ben talking divorce (Enquirer); Cheater Arnie put
wife Maria Shriver in convent (Globe)
Worried
friends tell all, Gwen & Blake 'falling out of love,' it's why he
left the Voice, fights, jealousy & separate bedrooms, Gwen breaks
down in couples therapy (Life & Style); Best friends you never
expected, Hollywood's
most
bizarre buddies: 50 Cent & Bette Midler, Jen Aniston & Paul
Rudd, Snoop Dogg & David Beckham, Brad Pitt & Bradley Cooper,
Guy Fieri & Matthew McDonaughey, Ed Sheeran & Courtney Cox
(Examiner)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Tony Dean wrote Sun
2/26/23 @09:52 CST:
How come Kurt Cobain
gets two
birthdays?
February 20:
. . . Kurt Cobain
(1967-1994) . . .
February 21:
. . . Kurt Cobain
(1967-1994). . . .
Either he was born at midnight,
or we made a mistake.
Dumb news from Indiana:
South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Anthony Howard, BM, 5'7", 140 lbs, fraud; Eddy Dillard,
BM, 5'10", 160 lbs, coke; Alena Catano, HF, 5'4", 140 lbs, robbery w/inj.; Jann Tyler, WM, 5'11", 175 lbs, meth
State
Senate Bill 12 would provide "that a
school library may
not make a book available that contains obscene matter or mat-
ters harmful to children."
[courtesy Indianapolis Star]
Dumb
news from Kentucky:
The state House of
Representatives passed, 75 to 22, a bill prohibit-
ing "trans" gender-affirming
care for persons less than 18 years old,
and another pending bill would prohibit "drag"
shows in public or
on other property accessible to children.
[courtesy LEX18]
A 29-year-old McLean County woman was charged with
50 counts
of sex with
minors.
[courtesy
Owensboro Messenger-Inquirer]
Lexington's
most wanted, Cecil Tatum, BM, 34, 6'1", Feds want him; Curtis
Walker,BM, 41, 5'10", 205 lbs, theft, forgery, reckless driving,
evading police (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
Quotation
of the week:
"Guilty."
– Alex Murdaugh jury
|
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"About 1977 I
went out with Natty's secretary, and she said, 'I heard
a
song today that reminded me of you.' I
thought Patsy Cline? Fleet-
wood Mac? And she said the name of the
song was 'Runnin' on Emp-
ty.' (Jackson Browne)."
– Leonard
Simon
|
|
Birthdays:
February 27: Josh Groban, 42
Chelsea Clinton, 43
Charlayne Hunter-Gault, 81
Ralph Nader, 89
Joanne Woodward, 93
February 28: Bernadette
Peters, 75
Mario
Andretti, 83
Henry
the Young King (1155-1183)
March 1:
Justin Bieber, 29
Ron Howard, 69
Roger Daltrey, 79
Harry Belafonte,
96
March
2: Mikhail
Gorbachev, 92
Karen
Carpenter
(1950-1983)
Howard
"Hopalong"
Cassady
(1934-2019)
March
3:
Jessica Biel,
41
Doc Watson
(1923-2012)
March
4: Ray
"Boom Boom"
Mancini, 62
March 5: Penn Jillette, 68
Andy Gibb
(1958-1988)
Del Crandall
(1930-2021)
Chou En-lai
(1898-1976)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Wayne Shorter, 89
Dallas Jones, 82
Tom Sizemore, 61
Crossword puzzle clue of the
week:
32D
"Name that's a
citrus fruit
Answer:
EMIL
spelled
backward"
[New
Yorker, 2/23/23]
Wanted
in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted):
Villiam Uihamohaano Finau, UM,32, 6', 250 lbs, marijuana; Samantha
Hathaway, WF, 37, 5'6",140 lbs,
abandoning
child; Elvis Peters, WM, 40, 6'1", 205 lbs, family viol.; Lakisha
Roberts, BF, 32, 5'6", 203 lbs, Yorkshire hog, prob. viol. (theft);
Jarin Simpson, BM, 21, 5' 10", 191 lbs, ag assault
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A number of newspapers dropped the Dilbert comic strip
after cartoonist
Scott Adams called blacks a "hate
group." . . . The Saucon Valley, Penn-
sylvania, School District withdrew its invitation to
an "After
School Sa-
tan Club" that had met there for a week. . . . An
infestation of more
than
100 bats closed the North Little Rock High School
in Arkansas. . . . A
bill in the Florida legislature would
overhaul regulations on the sale of
pet rabbits, take licenses from veterinarians who declaw
cats and make it
illegal for dogs to hang their heads out of car
windows. . . . Signs reading
"Insects
are not baked in our bakery" began appearing in eastern
Germany
after the European Union legalization of the sale of powdered
house crick-
ets and larvae in food.
[courtesy Harper's,
LEX18, AP]
Locked
up in San Angelo (Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Clarence Simmons,
50, mj; Braydyn Boston, 20, DUI; Samantha Castillo, 33,
DUI;
Chelsea Middaugh, 32, theft; Makayla Walker, 20, par.; (bailed out or
escaped before we could ID her); Isaiah Hernandez, 25, DUI
Dear
Eleanor:
This is
probably a low-stakes question, but it
came up while I was talking
to my two best
friends earlier this week. My
father is white,
and my mother is Korean. My
mother and my
siblings all look brown and Asian. For
whatev-
er reason, I'm the only
one who looks white.
Some people can tell I'm mixed by a very
slight
difference in my eye shape, and from my
pitch
black and pin-straight hair. But
I do look much
more like my father than my mother and
siblings
do.
My two best friends are South Asian
and black.
One of my friends referred to me as a woman
of
color, and I was surprised – I have light
skin and
a white-sounding last name. I did
experience ra-
cist comments in high school from
children who
knew what my mom and siblings looked like,
but
my life experience has been vastly different
from
theirs. Do you think it's right
for me to identify
as a person of color?
I don't want to erase the i-
dentity and culture my mom raised me with,
but I
simply don't experience the
level of racism my
mother and siblings do. Both the
erasure of my
Korean and indigenous roots and the concept
of i-
dentifying as a person of color
make me uncom-
fortable. What do you think?
Confused
Dear Confused:
Bleach
your hair.
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't
forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend
the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf
Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every
Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include the Alex Murdaugh
jury.
Never sniff viagra, Life Saver Dude: Nor don't snort it, it's hard to deal with
"Your worst humiliation is only
someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett
