April 30, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket –
this week's headlines:
hed23045.jpg
King Charles' revenge, Harry & Meghan banned from coronation
(Star); Harry & Meghan humiliated by William & Kate, forced to
stay in hotel and banned from coronation, how William convinced Charles,
Archie
& Lilibet not invited, Harry slams Royal Familiy again (In Touch
Weekly); New coronation crisis, Queen Camilla defiles Diana's memory,
William & Harry united as evil stepmother publicly trashes Charles'
first wife (Globe)
hed230452.jpg
All the wild and wicked details, Porn star Stormy: My fling with Trump
(Globe); New storm over Donald's hush money arrest! Melania Trump $3.2
billion divorce showdown, prenup battle,tired of the lies, real reason
for
no-show in court (Enquirer); Britney & Sam's marriage blows up (In
Touch); Dolly & Reba, family, faith & friendship, how country
queens keep 45-year bond, "It's our time to give back", donating
millions to small communities (Star)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Malachi Dean wrote Weds 4/19/23 @11:00 CST [corrected from
4/23/23 issue]:
"Are you there, God?
It's me, Marjorie Taylor Greene." Again, it doesn't
have to make sense to be
funny.
J. Ewing wrote Sun 4/23/23 @10:03 EST:
The Texas state senate
passed a bill requiring the posting of the Ten
Command-
ments in every classroom in public schools.
Which version?
The one directed specifically at the Jews ("I am the
Lord, your God, who led
you out of Egypt . . . ," followed by 613 rules covering
crop rotation and fabric
content?
The ones the Protestants use?
Or the ones that Catholics use, that leave out the
bit about "no idols"?
The totally different commandments in Exodus 34 (the
only listing saying they
are the 10 Commandments, giving culinary
advice, about "unleavened bread"
and "boiling a kid in its mother's milk"?
Or do they also have to post what their guy, Jesus,
said when asked about the
greatest commandment, "Love the Lord your God with all your
heart and with
all your soul and with all your mind." This is the first
and greatest command-
ment. And the second is like it: "Love your neighbor as
yourself." All the law
and the Prophets hang on these two commandments. Matthew
22:36-40.
What if Jesus had lived next door to a black,
transgender, woke, anti-gun, evol-
utionist, environmentalist, liberal atheist? Is there a
Bible verse that cancels
out the Matthew verses?
For the enlightenment of all the
school kids, do they post Psalm 137.9 ("Hap-
py is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them
against the rocks") or
the other 30-some verses about what adults should do with
disobedient or un-
ruly children?
Do they feature the story of Noah's two daughters who
get him drunk, funk him
and get pregnant? Not to mention the verse about big donkey
dicks and copious
horse emissions or those about Onan using the withdrawal
method to avoid the
pregnancy of his brother's widow he was forced to marry?
If the Christofascists get to post their approved
Ten Commandments, do they
have to post all of the above, along with things like the
Humanist Manifesto III,
the Five Pillars of Islam, the Nine Satanic Commandments,
the Ten Grave Pre-
cepts of Buddhism, Melody Trump's admonition to "Be Best"
and signs that say
not to pee in the pool?
Can't we just boil everything down to something
like "Behave yourselves and
don't be assholes"?
And why the Hell did Edwin
Kagin have to die too soon, and miss out on all the
fun of a troublemaker?
Dumb news from Indiana:
The state
legislature passed a bill to require schools to notify
parents when pupils requested new name and pronoun
refer-
ences (reminiscent of Florida's "Don't say 'gay'" law).
[courtesy Columbus Republic]
jomishaw.jpg
South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Keith Hardy,
BM, 5'8", 185 lbs, murder; Jomisha Williams, BF, 5'8", 135 lbs,
DUI
(2nd offense); Elijah Powell, BM, 6'2", 185 lbs, domestic battery in
front of child; Koffi Gbetoudor, a/k/a Charles, BM, 5'8", 200 lbs,
theft, counterfeit
The
state legislature passed a bill providing homicide
pros-
cution of a woman getting an abortion.
[courtesy the Daily show]
micheala.jpg
Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): David Orlando Smith
Jr.,24,Bardstown, meth; Jennifer Lynn Scott, 41, Magnolia, contempt;
Joseph Christopher Berry, 26, Bloomfield,
probation
violation; Jay Larry Bowen, 55, Bardstown, DUI; Sabrina Anna Jarrett,
34, Bardstown, mobery; Ashton Micheal Rogers, Bardstown, mj,
paraphernalia, forgery, DWOL, ID theft
More than 20,000 people worldwide entered a lottery for
only 500 tick-
ets to a cellist Yo-Yo Ma and Louisville Orchestra
underground concert
at Mammoth
Cave National Park.
[courtesy WBKO-TV]
The state legislature passed a bill requiring
parental notification of stu-
dent requests for new names and pronouns.
[courtesy WYMT-TV]
"There are numerous ways to raise money. Sending children
off to kill cats shouldn't be one
of them."
"SpaceX's
Starship explosion is not a failure; it's a
learning
experience."
–
Daniel
Dumbacher, executive
director, American
Institute of Aeronautics and
Astronautics
|
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"My girl friend, at
the time, commented that she didn't believe in oral
sex. I said, ‘Well, that sucks – actually, I guess it doesn't suck!’
Suf-
fice it to say, I
did not get sucked."
–
Leonard Simon1
|
 |
johngose.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by Sedgwick
County Sheriff: Joseph Smith, WM, 46, 6', 185 lbs, sexual exploitation
of
a child; Frederick Lee Hooks Jr., a/k/a Freddie Fox, BM, 52, 6', 175
lbs, scars, tattoos, robbery, opium; Deloris Ann Scales a/k/a Sherry A.
Harris,
X
Low, Eliza Stewart, BF, 5'4", 195 lbs, scars & tattoos, probation
viol. (registration); John Goset, WM, 56, 6', 190 lbs, probation
violation (violent offender)
Birthdays:
April 24: Kelly Clarkson, 41
Barbra Streisand, 81
Shirley MacLaine, 89
April 25:
Talia Shire, 77
Al
Pacino, 83
April 26:
Melania Trump,
53
Duane Eddy,
85
Carol Burnett,
89
Robert
Louis
Ridarelli ("Bobby
Rydell")
(1942-2022)
April 27: Sheena Easton, 64
Anouk Aimée, 91
April 28 Jay Leno, 73
Ann-Margret
(Olsson), 82
Saddam Hussein
(1937-2006)
April
29: God
Shammgod, 47
Zubin
Mehta, 87
Luis
Aparicio, 89
Willie
Nelson, 90
April 30:
Kirsten Dunst,
41
Isiah
Thomas, 62
Cloris
Leachman
(1926-2021)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Harry Belafonte, 96
Jerry Springer, 79
Lin
Hiu, 21
Crossword
puzzle clue of the week:
53A "Prominent
axe-wielding role?"
Answer:
LEADGUITAR
[New
Yorker, 4/19/23]
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
An upstate New Yorker who barked
at neighbors' dogs was charged
with murder for shooting a woman who mistakenly turned in to
his
driveway. . . . A Texan shot two
cheerleaders after one of them op-
ened his car door, thinking it was hers; and a North
Carolinian shot
a 6-year-old girl and her parents after a basketball
rolled into his
yard. . . . Eighteen
parrots were taught how to video-conference
each other. . . . The National Public
Radio program Sound Opinions
again reviewed the film Jimmy
Carter: Rock & Roll President. . . .
Sweden fired a rocket into Norway.
[courtesy
Harper's, LEX18, AP]
stanfiel.jpg
Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas) (Abilene Crime Stoppers):
Charles Lee Timms, WM, 43, 5'4", 143 lbs, family assault; Cori Dejuan
Fingers, BM, 38, 6' 2", 215 lbs, assault of a
pregnant
person; Starr Elizabeth Ford, WF, 23, 5'6", 145 lbs, burglary; Hunter
Mack Hardin, WM, 30, 6', 185 lbs, theft; Charles Albert Sanfiel, WM,
72, 5'10", 175 lbs, possession of child pornography
Dear
Eleanor:
A close friend of
mine is a successful professional woman
who went through a painful divorce several years ago
after
her husband
was unfaithful. "Diane" swore off dating for a
long time.
A year ago
Diane began seeing a man who is a successful,
well-known
professional in our community. However, he
has a history
of cheating on his wife and even left his mar-
riage at one
point to marry another woman, only to return
to his
wife and family when he realized he'd made a mis-
take.
But he continued to cheat. His
remarriage ended
two
years ago, and he soon moved in with someone else
for several months. Two
weeks after they split up, he be-
gan dating
Diane. They are now engaged.
Several people
have warned Diane about this guy, his past
and the
destruction he causes. His own grown children re-
fuse to speak
to him. I worry about this man's potential to
hurt
Diane. How can I convince her that
marrying him
would be a
huge mistake? She says her successful practice
gives her the means to take care of herself if
anything were
to happen with
the marriage, but it is her heart I'm worried
about. This
leopard isn't going to change his spots for her.
Concerned
in the Heartland
Dear Concernada:
Is this leopard's name,
by any chance, Lothario?
darlingc.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff):
Paden Brown, 34, resisting; Christina Hutler, 48, resist, crim.
trespass; Huie
Oliver,
57, DWOL; Heather Seider, 35, gun theft, felon w/gun; Darling Cupa, 18,
injuring children & elderly; (bailed out or escaped before we could
identify them)
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Tucker Carlson.
lifedriv.jpg Life Saver Dude: Hubba, hubba, hubba, let's go!
HOW TO
UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
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you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
April 23, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket –
this week's headlines:
hed23044.jpg
Threatens epic new tell-all, Andrew blackmails Charles! King's gay
secrets, bribery and selling titles, ugly truth about Diana (Globe);
Putin's Murder Inc. exposed, 39 oligarchs snuffed (Globe); Bitter
backlash over felony probe, Trump orders
new
civil war! Chilling directives to his private army, why blood will
stain America's streets, inside government photos take him down
(Enquirer); Hugh Grant: Most hated man in Hollywood (Enquirer); High
society snub, Kardashian sisters off A-list (Globe)
hed230442.jpg
'Wheel' host breaks 53-year silence, Pat Sajak: 'What I really did in
Vietnam' (Examiner); How many cheated death: Seven country stars' true
tales of terror: Garth Brooks; Gun battle, Dolly
Parton:
Trapped in snowstorm, Tanya Tucker: Crazed stalker, Tim McGraw:
Speedboat crash, Reba McEntire: Plane crash, Willie Nelson: Attacked on
stage, Hank Williams Jr.: Fall from mountain (Examiner)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
J. Ewing wrote Sun 4/16/23
@08:25 EST:
In my first quick read of the
Tabloid Headlines, and without
adequate scrolling, I briefly thought the five photos of
the
"Busted
in Bardstown" were photos of the five favored Ken-
tucky Derby horses you named in the paragraph above. It's
proof you should consume adequate caffeine before reading
your e-mail.
Malachi Dean wrote Weds 4/19/23
@11:00 CST
It's me, Marjorie
Taylor Greene. Again,
it doesn't have to
make sense to be funny.
Dumb news from Indiana:
|
Delaware
County Council[wo?]man Ryan
Webb came out as a "woman of color" in
Muncie.
[courtesy Lafayette Journal
& Courier]
|
myahersh.jpg South Bend's
most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.) Malachi Young, BM, 6', 150
lbs, strangulation; Mya Hershberger, WF, 5'4", 170 lbs, meth; Jeffrrey
Davis, WM, 5'10",
160 lbs, theft; Phillip Byrd, BM, 5'7", 130 lbs,
battery w/deadly weap.; Destonie Ford-Morse, WF, 5'5", 200 lbs, meth,
synthetic identify deception; Deandre Adams, BM, 5'9", 145 lbs, burdlary
Dumb
news from Kentucky:
In a
race at the Keeneland track in Lexington, one horse trip-
ped another; the tripped horse was euthanized,
and the jock-
ey of the tripping horse was suspended.
[courtesy
LEX18]
jefangel.jpg Lexington's most wanted:
Jeffery Morris, BM, 39, 5'7", 150 lbs, domestic violence,
strangulation; Nancy Angela McCarty, WF, 55, 5', 160 lbs, absconding
probation (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers
Quotation of the week:
"My new boss's wife asked me what I thought of her, and I made the
mistake of saying I didn't know."
– Patty Clark
|
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"It's nice to meet
a girl in the park, but it's better to park your meat
in a girl."
– Leonard Simon
|
|
kowalski.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most
wanted) Kristopher Kowalski, WM, 32, 5'8", 220 lbs, surety off bond
(fam. viol.); Ashleigh Marine Schledge, WF, 5'1", 135 lbs indecency
with
child; Edgardo Rivera Jr., HM, 5'7", 130 lbs, bond forfeiture
(tampering w/evidence); Sintera Ann Mask, BF, 27, 5'1", 140 lbs, bond
forf. (aggr. fam. assault); Tarig James Shivers, BM, 27, 6'3", 170 lbs,
felon with firearm
Birthdays:
April
17: Victoria Beckham ("Posh Spice"), 49
Norman Julius "Boomer" Esiason, 62
April 18: Conan O'Brien, 60
Poonam
Dillon, 61
Hayley Mills, 77
April 19: Ashley Judd, 55
Ali Hosseini
Khamenei, 84
Jayne Mansfield (1933-1967)
April 20: Don Mattingly, 62
Ryan O'Neal, 82
April 21: James Osterberg ("Iggy Pop"), 76
Queen Elizabeth II
(1926-2022)
April 22: Jack Nicholson, 86
Glen Campbell
(1936-2017)
Bettie
Page (1923-2008)
Charles Mingus (1922-1979)
April 23: Bernadette Devlin,
76
Harvey Lee Yeary ("Lee
Majors"), 84
Sandra Dee (1942-2005)
Roy Orbison (1936-1988)
Shirley Temple
(1928-2014)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Ahmad Jamal, 92
Otis Redding III, 59
Koko Da Doll, 35
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
36D
"Sheesh!"
Answer:
DAMN
[New
Yorker, 3/8/23]
tracytre.jpg
Wantedi in Wichita (Kansas,not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick
County Sheriff): Oliver Phillips, WM, 29, 5'9", 175 lbs, felon with
firearm; Ronald Eugene Stanley a/k/a
Tracy
Biship, Tracy Bishop, Tracy Penell, BM, 59, 5'7", 171 lbs, tattoo rt.
arm, probation violation (aggravated domestic battery, choke in rude
manner); Lorenzo Allen Parker, BM, 25,
6'2",
183 lbs, prob. viol. (burg.); Sergio Dionte Williams a/k/a Barber, BM,
34, 5'6", 26 lbs, tattoo rt. arm, deadly weapon; Brant Barnes, WM, 40,
5'10", 175 lbs, prob. viol. (burglary)
Borf 's
weekly BONUS:
A Ron
DeSantis support group released commercials
attacking Don-
ald Trump, and a Trump SuperPAC released an ad accusing
DeSantis
of eating pudding with his fingers. . . . Mike
Pence was booed at the
National Rifle Association convention. . . . The
principal of a Massa-
chusetts high school suspended for calling some
students "asshats"
got an $80,000 settlement. . . . Applicants for Arkansas
commissions
and boards were being required to write 500 words about
Governor
Sarah Huckabee Sanders' accomplishments they most
admired. . . .
18,000
cows were killed in an explosion at a dairy in the
Texas Pan-
handle. . . . An Argentine
mother called police for help determining
which of her twin sons was which. . . . The Texas state
senate passed
a bill requiring the posting of the Ten
Commandments in every class-
room in public schools.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18,
AP]
Locked
up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Tom Green
County Sheriff J.Nick Hanna; Megan Torres, 19, marijuana;
Celeste
Garza, 23, criminal trespass, Rosie Hedrick, 29, ctrl. subs., drug
paraphernalia, (bailed out or escaped beforre we could identify them)
Dear Eleanor:
I have
three children in their 30's. Their father
and I have been separated for years because he
cheated constantly. I think my
children love me,
but my sons are rude and
dismissive – not just
to me, but
also to others. Their father was rude
and dismissive to me for years
and fat-shamed
me after I had his children. I
think they learned
their communication skills from
him. I have a
boy friend
now, and I feel really happy for the
first time in
years. My new man is open and fun
and enjoys my big
butt. I want to stop commu-
nicating with my sons. I love
them but they make
me unhappy. One has a new
baby but does not
live near
me. Should I just ghost them or explain
myself? I don’t
really want to go through a dis-
cussion with them. I just
don’t want to interact
with
them. My daughter and I get along great,
and she
recognizes that her father mistreated me.
I
Want New Life
Dear Fat-Shamed Big Butt:
You can diss
them, but to "ghost"
them you would have to die.
|
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in
intellectual dissection of important cur-
rent events are invited to attend the
Weekly World News Round Table at
the offices of Borf Books outside
Brownsville, Kentucky, after church
every Sunday. Guest speakers lined up
for meetings in the near future include
Zooey
Zephyr.
|
 
|
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
lifetwog.jpg Life Saver Dude: Thanks, honeys,but I need only one of you!
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen
Crockett
April 16, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket –
this week's headlines:
hed23043.jpg
Trump says failure to arrest him is plot to deny him donations, plans
citizens arrest of self (Borowitz); Kevin McCarthy spotted doing yard
work for Marjorie Taylor Greene (Borowitz); Justice Thomas' colleagues
read about him on different yachts (Onion); Triplets (Daily Times)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Malachi Dean wrote
Sun 4/9/23 @11:00 CST:
Easter? I barely
know her! (It doesn't have to make
sense to be funny.)
Dumb news from Indiana:
The state Senate passed a
bill requiring schools to notify parents
when students ask for name or pronoun
changes.
[courtesy
Indiana Capital Chronicle]
angelope.jpg
South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Angelo Perrez,
HM, 6'1", 225 lbs, resisting law; Cathlene Randolph-Piche, WF, 5'2",
120 lbs, meth, auto theft
Dumb
news from Kentucky:
Taste something on
the Urban Bourbon Trail will be one of 10
things to do while you're in Louisville for the Kentucky
Derby. . . .
The
present five favorites for the May 6 Kentucky Derby are,
in order, Forte, Practical Move, Angel of Empire, Tapit
Trice
and Two
Phil's.
[courtesy Louisville
Courier-Journal]
braidenn.jpg
Busted in Bardstown (Nelson Couty Gazette): Braiden Adarius
Williams,Rineyville, failure to appear; Chelsey Ann Green,27,
Bardstown,domestic assault; Ryan Michael
Thomas,
37, Bardstown, many, many, many incl. rcvg. stol. prop.; Elizabeth Gail
Ballard, 36, Louisville, probation violation (felony); Michael Edward
Downs, Hodgenville, order to appear
Quotations of the week:
"I
ran three miles today. Finally I said, 'Lady,
take your
purse'."
– Emo Philips
|
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"My friend Barry got himself arrested for
indecent exposure. Fortunately
for him, the cops let him go due to lack of
evidence."
|
|
jarmaine.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick
County Sheriff) Jarmaine Carter, BM, 43, 6' 175 lbs, domestic battery,
criminal thrreat; Richard Brandon Webb, WM, 31, 5' 7", 135 lbs, tattoos
on neck, probation viol. (aggr. assault); Jose A. Lara,
HM,
31, 5'11", 190 lbs, probation violation (aggrav. battery); Brandon Leon
Elkins, WM, 25, 6'2", 210 lbs, prob. viol. (aggrav. child endangerment,
paraphernalia); Qamane Demyron Saunders, BM, 30, 5'5", 195 lbs, tattoos
on arms, probation viol. (domestic battery, threat)
Birthdays:
April 10:
Ken Griffey
(Sr.), 73
John
Madden
(1936-2021)
April 11:
Joel Grey, 92
Ethel Kennedy,
95
April 12:
Vince Gill, 66
David
Letterman, 76
Herbie
Hancock, 83
Betty Clooney
(1930-1976)
April 13:
Nellie McKay,
41
Al
Green, 77
Jack
Casady, 79
Lowell George
(1945-1979)
April
14: Pete
Rose, 82
Julie
Christie, 83
Loretta Lynn
(1932-2022)
April
15: Dave
Edmunds, 79
Vigdís
Finnbogadóttir, 93
Elizabeth
Montgomery
(1933-1995)
Roy
Clark
(1933-2018)
April 16: Cat
Osterman, 40
Lara
Dutta, 45
Lew
Alcindor
("Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar"),
76
Queen Margrethe
II of Denmark,
83
Bobby Vinton,
88
Mary Isobel
Catherine
Bernadette
O'Brien
("Dusty
Springfield,"
1939–1999)
Pope
Benedict(
1927-2022)
Louis the Pious
(778-840)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Mary Quant, 93
Crossword
puzzle clue of the week:
52D
"EEE, say"
Answer:
WIDE
[New
Yorker, 2/28/23]
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A school superintendent job offer was rescinded in
Massachusetts because
the candidate referred to women as "ladies"
in an e-mail. . . . A Michigan
man was arrested for hitting a grocery store clerk on the head
with a four-
pound frozen
herring. . . . A study reported that climate change
increased
home
runs in major league baseball. . . . Eight Filipinos
were nailed
to cros-
ses (alive) in the resumption of a Good Friday
tradition paused by the pan-
demic. . . . Harper's magazine reported that 2,608.367
Americans believe
that Hell exists but Heaven does not. . . . Prince Harry
will attend the coro-
nation; Meghan will not.
. . .
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
maliyahh.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most
wanted): Anthony Todd Eaden, BM, 32, 6', 175 lbs, manufr contr substs;
Maliyah Olivia Smith, BF, 24, 5'2", 136 lbs, burglary; Justin Dewayne
Carpenter,
WM, 42, 6', 210 lbs, bond forf. (abandoning child); Marina Christina
Delval, HF, 30, 5'3", 200 lbs (Yorkshirre hog), criminal mischief;
Anson Kahala Guillot, HM, 35, 5'11", 210 lbs, prob. vi. (abandoning
child)
Dear
Eleanor:
My sister "Suzie" is a
bit of a flower child, and our
parents
think it's funny. Suzie dropped out of high
school to pursue her
"career" in something – art,
music, dance,
yoga, whatever. I gave her a place to
stay when she got evicted, which
was often.
Suzie and
her "husband" (I'm not sure they're mar-
ried) have been better since their children (my neph-
ews) were born. What concerns me
is that she won't
take the kids to the doctor when
they get sick. She
just gives
them some herbal remedy and sends them
to bed. The boys aren't
clean, often have the sniffles
and are
almost always in clothing the wrong size.
Suzie is "homes-chooling" the boys, even though
neither she nor her husband
graduated high school.
My oldest
nephew is 7 and cannot read, count to 10
or say his
ABCs.
Suzie insists
that the children be fed only vegan and
organic products. When the boys stay with us – fairly
often lately – we feed
them balanced healthy
meals
they wolf down like they're
starving. The oldest boy
told me they usually eat oatmeal with peanut
butter. I
believe both
boys are anemic.
Their family
has, on occasion, lived in their car. Suzie
recently said they are going to "live on the
road" for a
while and the
boys will adjust. I think my nephews are
being neglected. She's leaving
the boys with me for two
weeks this summer, and I'm
tempted to have Child Pro-
tective Services evaluate
them. My wife agrees; my pa-
rents
don't. I'm scared Suzie will bolt with
the kids if
she gets wind
of suspicions. She's done it before.
I want the best for my nephews. How do I go about it?
WC
Dear Water Closet:
Don't call
the cops. Just take in the kids at your
earliest opportunity, give them
their best care, and
let Suzie sue, if she will.
kellrile.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff):
Wayne Sparks, 65, false driver lic. applic.; Kellie Rile, 58, resist.;
Teodoro Munoz, 28,
marijuana;
Johnnie Luera, 33, marijuana, DUI; John Gutierrez, 38, theft,
paraphernalis; Kristina Alfaro, 31, drug paraphernalia; [bailed out or
escaped before we could ID him]
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Dianne Feinstein.
lifedirt.jpg Life Saver Dude: Thanks, girls, but I need only one of you
HOW TO
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"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
April 9,
2023: Things
you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket –
this week's headlines:
hed230409.htm Brave stars fighting for life, ravished by rare diseases and endless agony, Christina Applegate, Ashton Kutcher, Liza Minelli, Jimmy Kimmel, Cher, Celine Dion (Examiner); Meghan
&
Harry: Tensions at home, shattered dreams, crushing debt and a marriage
in trouble (Star); Goldie Hawn: How prayer saved my son (Examiner); Ben
& J-Lo: Cracks in their marriage? Tears,
nitghts
apart, nonstop bickering, why Ben won/t commit to a family home (Life
& Style); Michael Landon haunted by his past (Closer); Sally Field:
I still have so much to learn (Closer)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Malachi Dean wrote
Sun 4/2/23 @10:20 CST:
A letter to a
editor: First, feathers;
now lips
– they make
dinosaurs look stupider all the time.
A 26-year-old man
arrested in Evansville for child solicitation was
released after it was found that the 14-year-old girl
in question did
not exist.
jerslisz.jpg
South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Jerry
Slisz, BM, 5'11", 185 lbs, theft; Desiree Miller, WF, 5'4", 190 lbs
(Yorkshire hog),
meth;
Matthew Bishop, BM, 5'8", 185 lbs, coke; Michelle Newgent,
WF, 5'3", 185 lbs (Yorkshire hog), robbery; Timothy Forrest, BM,
5'6", 200 lbs, theft
A
legislative act legalizing medical marijuana has inspired
a
"CannaBuzz"
factory in Lexington
[courtesy LEX18]
ethridge.jpg
Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette) Jordan Taylor Ethridge, 27,
Bardstown, public drunk; Kristina Ann Linton, 37, New Haven, failure to
appear; Stephen Gerald Kimberland, 26,
Bloomfield,
ordered to appear; Matthew Cody Losey, 29, New Haven, unlawf. with
minor; Elizabeth Lynn Maddox, 40, Bardstown, shoplifting; Leonardo
Rodrigo Sanchez, Nashville TN, public drunk
Quotations of
the week:
"We're not gonna fix it."
– Tennessee
Congressman.Tim
Burchett,
re gun control
"This has been a degraded, tawdry
discourse, with obsessive questioning about
public urination."
–
Maryland Congresswoman Jamie
Raskin
|
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"My
friend Barry said 20 minutes of begging is
not foreplay."
– Leonard Simon
|
|
Birthdays:
April 3: Paris
Jackson, 24
Tony Orlando, 79
Wayne Newton, 81
Jane
Goodall, 89
Marlon Brando (1924-2004)
Doris Day (1922-2019)
April 4: Jamie Lynn Spears, 32
Christine Lahti, 73
April 5: Agnetha Fältskog, 73
Colin Powell (1937-2021)
April 6: Princess Haalah, 16
Young
Man Kang, 57
Daniel
Kortchmar, 77
James Watson, 95
April 7: Jackie
Chan, 69
Janis Ian, 72
Francis
Ford Coppola, 84
Jerry Brown 85
Bobby Bare, 88
Daniel Ellsberg, 92
April 8: Julian Lennon, 60
Peggy Lennon, 82
Seymour Hersh, 86
John Havlicek (1940-2019)
Buddha (563, or 5/8/563,
or 480 - 483 BC or 400 BC)
April 9: Tom Lehrer, 95
Jean-Paul Belmondo (1933-2021)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Bud Grant, 95
Joe Pepitone, 82
Ryuichi Sakamoto, 71
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
33A
"Subreddit
where posters
ask whether
they acted
appropriately
in a given
situation"
Answer:
AMITHEASSHOLE
[New
Yorker, 3/1/23]
kashmire.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick
County Sheriff) Kashmire Tisdale, BM, 5'8", 160 lbs, probation viol.
(aggravated robbery); Rafael Gutierrez, a/k/a Armando
Sandoval,
HM, 44, 5'11", 350 lbs, prob. viol. (ID theft); John Wayne Dukes, 32,
5'11", 190 lbs, tattoos rt. arm clown, "Li'l John" w/cross, opium;
Salhir Battle, BM, 21, 5'9", 170 lbs, probation vi. (burglary)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Humza
Yousaf became the first colored person and Muslim to be
elected
prime minister of Scotland. . . . A
survey analyzing relationship trends a-
cross the United States found that Utah respondents were the
most likely
to identify as "hopeless
romantics." . . . Jill Biden will
attend British
King
Charles' coronation, but it seems that the President
will not.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
shycariu.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most
wanted): Shycarius Bradford, BM, 25, 6'7", 204 lbs, family assault;
Radu Liviu Benone, 21, 5'8", 118 lbs, prob. viol. (org.
crime);
Alexandria Dawn Miller, WF, 36, 5'6", 290 lbs (Yorkshire hog), prob.
viol. (c.s.); Jonathan Allen Malone, WM, 33, 6', 160 lbs, burglary;
Eliezer David Ochoa, HM, 38, 5'6", 140 lbs, DUI w/child
Dear
Eleanor:
I just got married and
am hoping to be divorced
or annulled by the end of the month. I never
re-
ally cared
about getting married, but I wasn’t op-
posed to it; so when my boyfriend
proposed, I de-
cided to go for it. My only
hard-and-fast rule was
that he would
not rub cake in my face at the recep-
tion.
A reasonable
man who knows me well, he didn’t.
Instead he
grabbed me by the back of the head
and shoved my face down into the
cake. He had
a bunch of cupcakes for backup.
I
left. The next day I told him we were done. I am
standing by
that. But everyone
has told me I should
give him a second chance – that I am
overreacting
because of the claustrophobia I
got in a car accident
some years ago, that I am making
a terrible mistake.
Are they right?
Give
him another chance?
Dear Cakeophobic:
Dump the dumbfuck. He won't change.
sanunglo.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff) (all
bailed out or escaped before we could ID them)
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Tom Brady and Aa-
ron Rodgers.
Life Saver Dude: Thanks, girls, but I needonly one of you
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
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We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
April 2,
2023: Things
you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket –
this week's headlines:
hed230402
What ex-President is hiding from America, Trump's secret talks with
Putin, Ukraine betrayed, election scams, digging Biden dirt (Globe);
King Charles' $120 million coronation, all the secret details: Crown
Camilla forbidden
to
wear, who's invited, who's snubbed, Harry & Megan in, or out?
(Examiner); Bad case of cold feet, why Vanna won't get married!
(Globe); Presley family drama, the fight over Graceland (People);
Britney's dog house of horrors (Globe)
hed23042
Lies! Bullying! Cruelty! Suicide! Hollywood's 20 meanest girls
unmasked, Taylor Swift, Chrissy Teigen, Kylie Jenner, Mariah Carey,
Hailey Bieber, Nicki Minaj . . . (Enquirer); Pregnant Rihanna, It's a
girl! (In Touch); Turning 17
&
on her own, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, dating, working & forgiving Dad,
begs Angie to stop fighting Brad (In Touch); "I'm the happiest I've
ever been!', Courtney Cox: Life lessons I've learned, Divorce,
motherhoold & botchched botox (L&S)
Dumb news from
Indiana:
The Eastern Barstool
team staved off a val-
iant comeback after
blowing a 12-point
halftime lead to win
the second annual
Coca-Cola Barstool
Tournament
at Koko-
mo's Taylor High
School.
|
 |
[courtesy Kokomo
Tribune]
South
Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.) Tevin Davis, BM,
5'9", 135 lbs, burglary; Edrick Elie Jr., BM, 6'1", 205 lbs,
burglary;
Tiffanney
Hochstedler, WF, 5'9", 150 lbs, meth; Jestin Lottie, BM, 6'2", 150 lbs,
prob. vi. (murder); Benjamin Nettrour, WM,6', 160 lbs, meth
Eleven
of the 17 judges in Fayette County (Lexington) are
women.
. . .
Frankfort, Kentucky's capital city, adopted the "Crown
Act,"
prohibiting discrimination against people sporting
"natural"
hair styles. . . .
Nineteen persons were arrested for criminal
trespassing for
storming the state Senate shouting "Trans rights are human
rights."
[courtesy LEX18]
Lexington's
most wanted: Eyiana Ighodaro,BF, 26, 5'5", 130 lbs, meth, fentanyl;
Steven Benton, WM, 37, 6', 180 lbs, rape,kidnaping (Bluegrass Crime
Stoppers)
Quotations of
the week:
"You need to help this man, Donald Trump."
– Lindsey Graham
|
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"Ancient Mormon
proverb: Variety is the spice of wife."
– Leonard Simon
|
|
Birthdays:
March 27:
Quentin
Tarantino, 60
Cale
Yarborough, 84
Mstislav
Rostropovich
(1927-2007)
March
28: Stefanni
Joanne
Angelina
Germanotta
("Lady
Gag-a"), 37
Reba McEntire,
68
Rodrigo
Duterte, 78
Rick
Barry, 79
March 29:
Lucy Lawless, 55
Earl Campbell, 68
Walt Frazier, 78
Denny McLain, 79
Eric Idle, 80
Astrud
Gilberto, 83
March 30:
Eric Clapton,
78
Jerry Lucas,
83
Secrretariat
(1970-1989)
March
31: Al
Gore, 75
David
Eisenhower, 75
Christopher
Walken, 80
Barney Frank,
83
Herb Alpert,
88
Shirley Jones,
89
Sheila Dikshit
(1938-2019)
April 1:
Rachel Maddow,
50
Sir Harry the
Magnficent, 53
Ali
MacGraw, 84
April 2:
Emmylou
Harris, 76
Charlemagne
(742-814)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Audrey
Elizabeth Hale, 28
Darcelle
XV, 92
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
25D
"Baa nanas"
Answer: EWES
[L.A.
Times, 3/30/23]
kahlijha.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most
wanted): Pedro Antonio Garcia, HM, 33, 5'7", 155 lbs, evidence
fabr.; Heather Nichole Hall,WF, 27, 5'3", 291 lbs (Yorkshire hog),
credit
card
abuse; Kahlijha Santrell Jones, BM, 19, 5'5", aggrav. assault; Leila
Yvette Moarles, HF, 42, 5'6", 130 lbs, probation violation (controlled
substance); Nathan Alexander Jones, WM, 27, 6'2", 180 lbs, sexual
assault
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Uganda enacted a life sentence on gay
sex, and death for "aggravated homo-
sexuality." . . . The Florida legislature was
considering a bill to prohibit girls'
talking about their
periods in school before sixth grade. . . . Swedish
scien-
tists were using armpit sweat
to investigate whether sniffing others' body o-
dor might be useful for treating social anxiety. . . . A comfort
dog retired
from the York, Maine, police department on account of stress
seizures suf-
fered in its five months on the job.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
emilioal.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff)
(Texoma's most wanted): Emilio Alvarez, 22, minor w/alc; Christina
Baccus, 39, theft;
Isaiah
Gomez, cr. tresp.; Cynthia Medina, 52, c.s.; Carson Allison, 24,
paraphernalia; Chloe Willha, 21, marijuana; Jeerson Cabrera-Ramirez,
20, reckless driving
Dear
Eleanor:
I'm 20 and attending
college near my Catholic
parents' home. I've been exploring
other reli-
gions
for five years and have decided that Ju-
daism is the right road. But I'm
afraid my fam-
ily will react badly and
insist that my Jewish
fiancé is swaying my decision.
My mother is
starting to pick up on the fact that
I haven't been going to church
with her. She has
informed me that she would
be greatly insulted
if I became Jewish because
all the years of put-
ting me through Catholic
school would be for
naught. She
recently hoped loudly that eventual-
ly I would "do
the right thing and come back."
I'm tired of lying when
they ask where I go Fri-
day evenings. Help?
At
the Crossroads
Dear Cross-Top:
Wow! Didja really
mean to sign your letter
"At the
Crossroads"?
Have ya ever heard of Jesus?
He was born a
Jew and became a Christian
(later called Ca-
tholic).
Y'ever hearda Hitler?
He was a Christian
but not a Catholic, and not real
friendly to Ju-
daism.
What's yer boy
friend's name? Jesus? Hitler?
Aristotle?
And what's yer mother's
problem? Has she
not been payin' attention?
Does she not know
her Savior was a Jew?
And where the fuck do you go on Fridays? We
go to Fish 'n' Chips. . . .
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Lindsey Graham.
lifegard.jpg Life Saver Dude: I think that's Wheatley's front yard; Beware of Avant-Guard Dog, Woof
HOW TO
UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
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THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
