September 24, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting
for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – this
week's headlines:
hed23094.jpg DeSantis says I'll live as a slave for a year to prove it's not bad (Onion); Who hates whom in Hollywood (Enquirer)
LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Malachi Dean wrote
Wednesday 9/20/23 @20:00 CDT:
Candid photo of Hank T.
Hebhoe editing Tabloid Headlines:
Dumb news from Indiana:
A would-be
customer opened a drive-in window at a credit
union
in Kokomo.
[courtesy Kokomo Tribune]
keenerwm.jpg
Wanted in Darke County, Ohio (Darke County Crime Stprs) William L.
Keener Jr., 54, 5'10", 200 llbs, probation violation; Ryan M. Reynolds,
37, 5'7", 180
lbs,
tattoos cross w/skull, 2 naked women, "loved by few, hated by many,"
prob. viol.; Dustin Baker, 26, 5'9", 162 lbs, tattoos "Ever loyal,"
cross w/wings, probation violation
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Funeral attendants
vomited from the smell of a relative left
dead
overnight by the Morgan County coroner.
[courtesy
Law&Crime.com]
auberrym.jpg
Bustted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette) Michael Edward Auberry,
42, Fairdale, parole violation (felony), DUI, no insurance, no license,
meth; Jeffrey Lee Karr, 41, Bardstown, contempt of court;
Amy
Michelle Redmon, 45, Bardstown, DUI, drugs; Deborah Ann Sellers, 54,
Bardstown, nonpayment of fine; Kimberly Lewis, 59, Bloomfield, meth,
paraphernalia; Gregory Len Cottrell, 62, Bardstown, sexual abuse
Quotation of the
week:
"If you want to file a motion to vacate, then file the
fucking motion."
– Kevin
McCarthy, to fellow Republicans
|
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"Not very many people know this
about me, but I was a fat
kid growing up; here's a picture my mom took of me
while
waiting for the school bus on the first day of
kindergarten:"
– Leonard Simon
|
|
wheatljr.jpg I find on the first date
Birthdays:
September
18: Lance
Armstrong, 52
Narendra Modi,
73
Otis Sistrunk,
77
Frankie
Avalon, 83
David
Souter, 84
Ken Kesey
(1935-2001)
Jimmie
Rodgers (not that Jimmie
Rodgers),
(1933-2021)
Anne
Bannecroft
(1931-2005)
George
Blanda
(1927-1997)
Hank
Williams
(1923-1953)
September
19: Lesley
Hornby
("Twiggy
Lawson"), 74
Dave
Bromberg, 78
Sylvia
Fricker, 83
"Mama" Cass Elliott
(1941-1974)
Duke Snider (1926-2011)
September 20: Sofia Costanza
Brigida Villani Scicolone ("Sophia
Loren"), 89
Warren
Burger
(1907-1995)
September 21: Bill
Murray, 73
Stephen
King, 76
Bill Kurtis, 83
Leonard Cohen (1934-2016)
September
22: Joan
Jett, 65
Debby Boone, 67
Tommy Lasorda (1927-2021)
Bob Lemon
(1920-2000)
September 23: Bruce Springsteen, 74
Ray Charles (1930-2004)
Kublai
Khan
(1260-1294)
Augustus Caesar (27 BC -14 AD)
September 24: "Mean" Joe
Greene, 77
Linda
McCartnery
(1943-1998)
Gerry Marsden (of "and the
Pacemakers") 1942-2021)
F.
Scott
Fitzgerald
(1896-1940)
Ayatollah
Komein
(1902-1989)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Billy Miller, 43
prebblec.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Curtis Prebble,
WM, 6'0", 228 lbs, burglary; Lennon Ray Price, BM, 5'6", 148 lbs,
probation viol. (threat); Terrance
Anton
Reeves, BM, 42, 6', 155 lbs, probation viol. (felon with firearm);
Maarcos Gabriel Gutierrez, HM, 44, 5'7", 165 lbs, burglary; Brandonn
Loudermilk, BM, 29, 6', 175 lbs, armed felon
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
32A "It's often depressed
after a period"
Answer:
SPACEBAR
[New
Yorker 9/19/23]
Borf
's weekly BONUS:
For his first
overseas trip in more than four years, North Korean
leader
Kim Jong-Un visited Russia [we give up: What sea did he
cross to get
from Korea to Russia?]. . . . Colorado Congresswoman Lauren
Boebert
was evicted from a musical performance in Denver for
vaping, video-
ing, and stroking her male campaign manager's crotch. . .
. A black
high school student in Mont Bellvieu, Texas, was suspended
for wear-
ing twisted
hair locks. . . . More than 70 crocodiles escaped a
lake in a
storm in Guangdong province, China,
threatening residents. . . . A traf-
fic sign in Houston, Texas, read "DUE
TO WEATHER, GO FUCK
YOURSELF." . . . Four
sisters, in Texas, Nebraska and Colorado, all
are pregnant at the same time. . . . An Australian TV
journalist named
her baby Methamphetamine
Rules.
[courtesy Harper's,
LEX18, AP]
isrealid.jpb
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Daniel Ray
Isreal, 36, 6'6", 315 lbs, cruelty to animal; Amy Sheeree Brewer, 43,
5'10", 160 lbs, controlled subsst.;
Pete
Christopher Martinez, 38, 5'9", 190 lbs, family assault; Sierra Nichole
Pelmore, 22, 5'7", 280 lbs (Yorkshire hog), forgery; Charquivious
Beaver, 19, 5'8", 180 lbs, robbery
Dear Eleanor:
I have three children in their 30's. Their father
and
I have been separated for years because he
cheated
constantly. I think my children love me,
but my
sons are
rude and dismissive – not just to me but al-
so to others.
Their father was rude and dismissive
to me for years and
fat-shamed me after I had chil-
dren.
I have a
boy friend now and I feel really happy for
the
first time in years. He is open and fun and en-
joys my big
butt. I want to stop communicating
with my sons. I love
them, but they make me un-
happy. One has a new
baby but does not live near
me. Should I just
ghost them, or explain myself?
I don’t really want to go
through a discussion with
them; I just don’t
want to interact with them. My
daughter
and I get along great, and she recognizes
that her father mistreated
me.
I
Want a New Life
Dear Newbie:
My readers and I want to know more about your
big butt. Please send
us a photo.
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church services at the Boiling
Springs
General Baptist Church every
Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for
meetings in the near future include Malachi Dean a/k/a
Bumppo a/-
k/a Royer.
lifestor.jpg
Life Saver Dude: That's my store! Store tip!!! "Accidentally" buy the
potato chips your spouse doesn't like so you don't have to share,
friedman's Fresh markets, win
a
free ride in a police car just by shoplifting from this store, lucky
winners can also get their name in the newspaper for their friends and
family to see, won't Mom be proud of you?
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
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TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
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exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
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you'll keep
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We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
shawnsan.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas,Sheriff) Sonny
Carillo, 45, marijuana; Colleen Andrews, 37, credit card abuse; Justin
Malloy, 32, paraphernalia;
Billie
Griggs, 24, alcohol to minor; Tamara Wachter, 29, public intoxication;
Shawn Sanchez, 38, paraph.; Laetitia Kemp, 44, trespass; Jordan West,
18, marijuana
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
September 17, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting
for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – this
week's headlines:
hed230917.jpg
Govt. braced for bloodbath on 22nd anniversary, New 9/11 terrorist
attack expected, Taliban radicals target schools, malls, hospitals and
New York City Freedom Tower! Rockets abandoned in
Afghanistan
are now turned against America (Globe); Terror in Texas, Chupacabra
caught on camera, strange blood-sucking beast (Globe); Her ring is off!
Meghan & Harry divorce rumors explode, Desperate Harry
begs
for 2nd chance as Meghan focuses on Hollywooe comeback, King Charles'
touchcing message of support (In Touch);Tragic confession of Hulk Hogan
hooked on druge (Enquirer); King Charles humiliated
hed23093
Perv Andrew caught in new Epstein scandal, targeted by FBI, hush money
secrets, twisted lies exposed (Enquirer); His inspiring story,
Sly
Stone from rags to riches, bullied for birth defects, real life boxer
who inspirred Rocky, so poor he sold his dog and slept in bus station
Dumb news from Indiana:
saraweld.jpg
South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.), Isayiah Groves
5'6", 135 lbs, resisting; Sara Weld, WF, 5'10", 200 lbs, burglary; Asia
Jeter, BF, 5'5", 140 lbs, Meth
Quotation of the week:
"I was watching the
Super Bowl with my 92-year-old grand-
father. His team scored a touchdown. When they
showed
the
replay, he thought his team had scored again. I was go-
ing to tell him, but I guessed the game he was
watching was
better."
– Steven Wright
T-shirts:
t-shirts.jpg
T shirts: 5 things you should know my grandma : 1. she is a crazy
grandma, 2. she loves me to the moon & back, 3. she can't control
her mouth,
4.
she has anger issues and a serious dislike for stupid people,
5 mess with me and they will never find your body; I get my
attitude from well, pretty much
all
of the women I'm related to; If I'm spoiled it's my Papa's fault, saw
it, liked it, told Papa! Got it; I may look like my Daddy but I have my
Mommy's attitude!
Dumb news from Kentucky:
worleyba.jpg
Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette) Jonathan Worley, 43, New
Haven, speeding, DUI, no insurance; James Anthony Williamson 39, Mt.
Washington, traffic
offenses;Timothy
Keith Johnson, 41, New Haven, c.s., etc.; Amanda Marie Offutt, 33,
Louisville, ordered to appear; Richard Samuel Gray, 33, St. Louis, Mo.,
ordered to appear
September 11:
Harry Connick
Jr., 56
Bashar
al-Assad, 58
Leo Kottke,
78
Dylan
Klebold
(1981-1999)
September 12: Jennifer
Nettles, 49
Leonard
Peltier, 79
Maria
Muldaur, 81
September
13: Dupey
Dumpy, 77
Jacqueline
Bisset, 79
David
Clayton-Thomas,
82
Barbara
Bain, 92
Mel
Tormé
(1925-1999)
September
14: Joey
Heatherton, 79
Amy Winehouse
(1983-2011)
|
September
15: Henry
Charles Albert
David
Mountbatten-Windsor
("Prince
Harry"), 39
Dina
Lohan, 61
Dan Marino, 62
Tommy Lee
Jones, 77
Oliver
Stone, 77
Marco
Polo
(1254-1324)
September
16: Amy
Poehler, 52
Rosemary Casals, 75
Elgin
Baylor
(1934-2021)
September 17: David Souter, 84
King
Charles III
(of France)
(879-929)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Eugene
Peltola Jr., 57
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
19A "Matchmaker popular in
all American states"
Answer:
AMERICASCUPID
[L.A. Times 9/8/23]
kinkadem.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick
County Sheriff): Joshua L. Gardner, BM, 33, 5'7", 200 lbs, probation
violation
(narcotics);
Derek Scott Wentworth, DM, 36, 6'1", 205 lbs, prob. viol. (narcs,
theft); Michael D. Kinkade, WF (sic), 65, 5'7", 185 lbs, prob. vi.
(arson, opiates)
crystaln.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most
wanted): Zachary Lee Gregory, WM, 33, 6'2", 192 lbs, burglary; Angelica
Lee Bell, WF, 35, 5'2", 140 lbs, fraud; Crystal Nashall
Hyatt,
BF, 41, 5'6", 195 lbs, ag. assault of public servant; Jennifer
Kirkhart, HF, 36, 5'7", 200 lbs (Yorkshire hog), probation violation
(creditor ID); David Martinez, HM, 46, 5'4", 170 lbs, tampering evidence
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A criminal defense lawyer in Vancouver, Canada, said
some of her clients
would rather remain
incarcerated than deal with the city's housing crisis.
. . . Donald Trump said it's unlikely he would pardon himself
if convicted
and elected. . . . Percentage of American men who say their
on-line lives
are more engaging and rewarding than off line. 48.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
Dear
Eleanor:
I'm married to a man with an
identical twin brother. He favors
that brother over me. And his
brother thinks my husband has
to help him out of a failed relationship
– a lot of times. And
he has trouble holding a job.
We have helped
the brother seven times now with a new place
to stay when
his wife or girl friend has kicked him out. That's
ridiculous in 15
years. The last time, my husband moved him
into our house while I was at work; and he didn't
even ask me.
I married one of the twins, not both.
My husband
told me flat out that his twin comes before me, be-
cause he was there before I was. The
brother has told my hus-
band he has seen me with other men and
that my children are
not his. Without this twin,
my husband and I are good. My
husband calls himself Christian,
but I have decided to leave
him. I even suggested counseling, but he
says he doesn't need
it. Am I wrong to walk away from this marriage?
Not
his wife
Dear Not His:
Do your children
a favor. Stay with the son-of-a-bitch.
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church services at the Boiling
Spring
Church of Christ every Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for meet-
ings in the near future include Kody Spaniak.
life4rth.jpg Life Saver Dude: So what is it? July the 4th?
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
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THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
September 10, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting
for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – this
week's headlines:
hed
23092.jpg Convictted felons give Trump advice for going to prison
(Onion); Indicting Hunter Bden would make him a formidable GOP
candidate (Borowitz); HIV Charlie
Sheen makes comeback after groveling
apology (Enquirer); Murder victims' lawyer exposes conspiracy! Gilgo
Beach monster's wife accused, brrands her accomplice in serial killing
spree, calls out cops for buying her sister sob story, charges she knew
hubby brought hookers home (Enquirer); Morning after! Amy Robach &
T. J. on the rocks (Enquirer)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
J. Ewing
wrote Sat 9/9/23 @05.08 a.m.:
Headline:
"Former President Donald Trump to attend
Lexington special MAGA reception."
Something tells me that visiting one of Kentucky's blu-
est cities will be met with huge protests.
Dumb news from Indiana:
The Hog
Molly Brewing Co.'s request for conditional use
request
was approved in Columbus.
[courtesy Columbus Republic]
simeyong.jpg Lexington's most wantded: Simeyon Jerdon Johnson, BM, 36, 6', 180 lbs, murder (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
Quotation of the
week:
"These renewed troops of
Ukraine's Armed Forces, zombified
and unified through gay sex,
along with cult members ready
to sacrifice themselves – this is
what they're preparing for us
in the spring of 2025."
– former Vladimir Putin
adviser Sergei
Markov
courtrgt.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick
County Sheriff): Thomas Courtright, WM, 44, 6'5", 200 lbs, Parole
violation (narcotics); Haley M. Cole,
a/k/a
Dorner, WF, 38, 5;4", 170 lbs, parole viol. (narcotics); Angel Manuel
Colon, WM, 5'9", 150 lbs, aggrav. sex offense Joshua Seth Ward, WM, 42,
6'1", 180 lbs, p.v. (ag. battery)
Birthdays:
September 4: Beyondsay, 42
Tom Watson, 74
Gene Parsons, 79
Mitzi Gaynor, 92
September 5: Dweezil Zappa, 54
Loudon Wainwright III, 77
Al Stewart, 78
Bill Mazeroski, 87
Bob Newhart, 94
Freddy Mercury (1946-1991)
Raquel Welch (1940-2023)
September 6: Christopher Christie, 61
Carly Fiorina, 69
Jane Curtin, 76
September 7: Molly
Holly, 46
Julie
Kavner, 73
Sonny Rollins, 93
Charles "Buddy" Holly (1936-1959)
September
8: Alecia Beth Moore
("Pink"), 44
Neko Case, 53
Zachary Richard, 73
Bernie
Sanders, 82
Christoph
von Dohnányi,
94
Isaac Sidney Caesar (1922-2004)
September 9: Michael Bublé,
48
Otis
Redding (1941-1967)
September 10: Margaret
Trudeau, 75
José Feliciano, 78
Roger Maris (1934-1985)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Bill Richardson, 75
mistdawn.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most
wanted); Misty Dawn Dockman, WF, 44, 5'4", 120 lbs,
probation
viol. (ID fraud); Cassey Crump, WF, 43, 5'2", 155 lbs, assault on pub.
svt.; Aaron Johnston, WM, 33, 5'4", 140 lbs, fraud. ID; Marquita
Louise
Bair, BF, 32, 5'3", 195 lbs (Yorksh hog) probation viol. (DUI
w/child); Lacharles Ramsey, BM, 34, 5'3", 160 lbs, probation vi.
(financial forgery)
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
46D "Defiant
retort"
Answer: BITEME
[L.A.
Times 8/29/23]
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A patient in a San Francisco, California, ambulance
blocked by two dri-
verless cars not moving died after reaching the
hospital. . . . Jill
Biden
tested positive for Covid19 – again – and then negative.
. . . Nigeria ar-
rested more than 60 people for attending a gay
wedding. . . . Cows kill-
ed people in Nigeria,
India
and Montana.
. . . Police issued a warning
to a man driving on a highway in Nebraska
with a 2,200-pound steer he
called Howdy Doody in the passenger seat. . . . "Blursday:
A day not
easily distinguished from other days, or the phenomenon of
days run-
ning together" is one of 566 new words added to Dictionary.com.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
gloriabar.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff):
Elliot Wallace, 40, threat to publish; Gloria Barrera, WF, 60, mobery;
Shawn
Sanchez,
38, paraphernalia; Mario Lopez, 42, contempt; Charles Goff, 45,
harassment; Lorena Ramos, 38, DWOL; Felicia Avila, 36, parole vi.; Paul
Yolanda, 54, theft
Dear
Eleanor:
I’m in a relationship
with someone younger.
I'm 17; he's 15. When I first met him, I was
told he was a junior.
We were close friends
and have been
through so much together,
good and bad, and we’ve now
been in a six-
month relationship.
We don’t have bad intentions because we are
waiting for marriage before having sex.
I've
struggled with
depression and anxiety, but he
makes me happier than I've ever
been. He's
the man I've
been asking God for.
He treats me
like a princess. I have no doubt
in my mind
that he is The One.
The problem
is, his parents don’t like the age
difference. My parents
don’t have a problem
with it because their age gap is the same.
But my parents
are very strict, and they will
agree only if his parents
agree.
His parents
have a bigger age gap but still are
iffy about us. What I don’t understand is why
I can’t be happy with him without
our parents
thinking we're going to have sex
without thin-
king about consequences.
When we are
together, we forget about the age
gap.
How do I make
our parents understand? Must
we break
up for the sake of our parents when
I could fall into another
depression?
Happy
Girl Now
Dear Happysnap:
Isn't it time you fucked?
Happy now,
Nappy.
Unopened e-mail last week included two messages
from "Clutterbook"
"Facebook" titled "You have
23 notifications about Sandi and others."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church services at the Boiling
Springs
General Baptist Church every Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for
meetings in the near future include Bremerton,
Wash., High School
Assistant Football Coach Joe Kennedy.
Life Saver Dude: That was me, right before they killed me
HOW TO
UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
September 3, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting
for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – this
week's headlines:
hed23081&2.jpgs
Trump's psych eval revealed (Globe); Sometimes I just want to
curl up in a ball, Jen finally reveals "Why I haven't dated in 5
years," how divorce from Justin changed everything, learning
to
love again in therapy, whom hot friends want to set her up with (In
Touch Weekly); 27 years later, John Bennett Ramsey bombshell: 'I know
who killed JonBenet' (In Touch); What happens when the camera
stops,
reality TV's darkest horrors exposed!, sexual violence & abuse,
torture & brutal bullying, revenge porn & humiliation, Kim
Kardashian, Ryan Seacrest, Bethenny Frankel, Tom Sandoval, Teresa
Giudice,
Capt.
John Chambers (Globe); Clarence Thomas hikes price of his decisions to
keep pace with inflation (Borowitz); Scientist claims NASA found life
on Mars but killed it (Bang Shobiz / Getty Images)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Anthony
Dean wrote Sun 08/27/23 @10:16 CDT
You omitted the "other" Ann Murray,"
74 (8/27/49), in last week's
"Birthdays." I'm sooo disappointed ;-).
You promised!
Sorry; we fergot.
Here's the "original" Anne
Murray, 78 (6/20/45).
Dumb news from Indiana:
A lower court
judge in Vigo County was found in contempt
of court by a Circuit Court judge in Owen
County in a div-
orce case.
[courtesy Terre Haute Tribune]
kelledaw.jpg
South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Kelleda
Williams, BF, 5'4", 150 lbs, residential entry; Christopher Scott,
WM, 5'7", 160 lbs, meth, syringe;
Javier
Espirito, HM, 5'6", 180 lbs, meth; Reese Misura, WM, 5'6", 200 lbs,
domestic strangulation, battery by bodily waste; Erskine Reid II, BM,
5'11", 180 lbs, synthetic ID deception
A
Fayette County farmer was suspended from the faculty of
the
University of Kentucky for kissing his donkey on
the lips.
[courtesy
Tabloid Headlines]
A Scott County high school pupil wore black
body paint from
head to toe at a football game in Georgetown,
in keeping with
the school's game theme "black out" (it was not
reported wheth-
er the pupil was black or white). . . .
Mitch
McConnell.
[courtesy LEX18]
jessical.jpg
Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Roger Dale Pendleton, 41,
Liberty, crtl. subs.; William Curtis Smith Jr., 23, Bardstown, mobery;
Megan Nicole New, 26, Bardstown, probation violation; Patrick Wayne
Werner,
29, mobery; Joseph Paul Linton Jr., Bardstn., prob. viol.; Jessica Lo
Lawson, 47, Columbia, meth, marijuana; Tony Eugene Henry Jr., 36,
Bardstown, probation viol.; Joseph Anthony Lyvers, 40, Campbellsville,
mail theft
Quotation of the
week:
"Holy shit, Donald Trump is fucking losing it.
The quadrice-in-
dicted twice-impeached
popular-vote-losing insurrection-lead-
ing judge-threatening
lawyer-ignoring witness-tampering game-
show-hosting
serial-sexual-predating draft-dodging casino-bank-
rupting
daughter-perving hush-money-paying real-estate-scam-
ming bone-spur-faking
ketchup-hurling justice-obstructing clas-
sified-war-plan-thieving weather-map-defacing
horse-paste-pro-
moting
paper-towel-flinging tax-cheating evidence-destroying
charity-defrauding
money-laundering diaper-filling fluorescent
tangerine jackass has
always been a burst trash bag of personality
defects. But now
it looks as if the family of raccoons that live
inside Donald Trump’s
head have finally chewed through all the
wires."
– Jeff Tiedrich
Birthdays:
Eileen Regina Edwards ("Shania Twain"), 58
Lou
Piniella, 80
August
29: Neil Gorsuch, 56
Michael
Jackson (1958-2009)
John McCain (1936-2018)
August 30: R.
Crumb, 80
Warren
Buffett, 93
Vic Seixas,
100
Peter the Cruel (1334-1369)
August 31: Richard Gere, 74
Van Morrison, 78
September 1: Barry Gibb,
77
Leonard Slatkin, 79
Lily Tomlin, 84
Harold Jenkins ("Conway Twitty,"
1933-1993)
September 2: Salma Hayek, 57
Jimmy Connors, 71
Terry Bradshaw, 75
Jimmy
Clanton, 85
September 3: Charlie
Sheen, 58
Valerie
Perrine, 80
Tabloid
deadlines:
Don Sundquist, 87
Jimmy Buffett, 76
Samuel
"Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, 49
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
17A "He
needed the
money"
Answer:
LITTLEBOYBLEW
[Tabloid
Headlines 9/3/23]
zacharyn.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas (Sedgwick County
Sheriff): Zachary Nathan McDonald, BM, 33, 6', 170 lbs, ag. assault,
theft; Joshua Seth Ward, WM, 42, 6'1",
180
lbs, prob. viol. (aggr. battery); Maliah Ann Linn Watson, BF, 24, 5'6",
210 lbs (Yorkshire hog), probation viol. (opiates); Chance Josiah
Thomas, BM, 22, 6'5", 185 lbs, aggr. domestic battery
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Rapper Eminem asked BMI to stop using his songs in
support of presi-
dential candidate Vivek
Ramaswamy. . . . India's Prime Minster Naren
dra Modi refused to get off his plane when it
landed in South
Africa
because there was no official of sufficient dignity to greet
him. . . . Six
of the eight Republican candidates for President said
they would sup-
port Donald
Trump if he is convicted of a crime. .
. . A woman was
fined in Montenegro for hitting a man who was
grabbing her by
the
butt. . . . The size of the Burger King "Whopper"
has been challenged
in a lawsuit. . . . A 2-year-old female tiger
died from falling off a bench
at a zoo in Colorado. . . . Hurricane Idalia
brought a 100-year-old tree
down on Gov.
Ron DeSantis' home in Tallahassee, Florida.
[courtesy
Harper's, LEX18, AP]
jamestee.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's) James
Teed, WM, 54, 5'9", 260 lbs, burglary; Aaliyah Johnson, BF, 5'10", 165
lbs, assault w/deadly weapon; Jesus
Montero-Gutierrez,
HM, 30, 5'4", 230 lbs, prob. viol. (burg.); Skyler Ann Houston, 29,
5'8", 210 lbs (Yorkshire hog), card abuse; Shycarius Bradford, BM, 26,
6'6", 280 lbs, probation violation (evid. fab.)
Dear
Eleanor:
My beautiful daughter has a great job,
two lovely
sons and a fiancé who loves
her. She seems to
have it all. But since she’s
been with the fiancé,
she has gained weight. I would
estimate that she
now weighs around 250 pounds. She has no
ener-
gy, doesn't walk at all and sits in
front of the TV
when she;s not at work. She refuses
to allow her
picture to be taken; she always insists on
being the
one
taking pictures.
I know she’s bothered about her weight.
I'm both-
ered because I'm afraid she won’t live for 10
more
years. Last weekend we
were at an outside self-
service restaurant with a steep terrace and
wanted
another drink. She asked me to get
them because
she would be out of breath. I made two
trips brin-
ging things to our table.
How can I tell her she needs to lose weight? I
al-
most feel that she needs an intervention. We'd
be
as worried if it were alcohol that was
threatening
her life, but it's food. Her
fiancé is overweight al-
so. I think he's an enabler.
I’m stressed and depressed over this.
They plan to
be married next year, and I wonder how much
they
will weigh then. Any advice?
Protective
Mom in Missouri
Dear Mama:
Is Missouri not the "Show Me" state? How about you
just
show her some photos of fat corpses?
shawnbla.jpg
Locked uup in San Angelo (Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Shawn
Blaylock, 24, sex offender failure to register; Chase Stallings, 20,
ctrl. subst.; Natalie Burgins, 22, family
assault;
Devin Gohnzales, 19, burglary, mj; Luis Llanas, 42, parole viol.
(c.s.); Kimberly Hunsaker, 52, joy riding, c.s.; Levi Rosser, 35,
parole vi.; Ethan Woodard, 21, ctl. substances
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't
forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend
the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf
Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church services
at the Boiling Spring
Church of Christ every
Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for meet-
ings in the near future include Vivek
Ramaswamy.
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to
receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line,
"GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember
also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks,
and without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many
subject lines or you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste"
won't work, either. We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
lifeboob.jpg Life Saver Dude: Dubba Dubba Dooba?
"Your worst humiliation is only
someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett