A lesbian went to the gynaecologist one day. Whilst he was down there, the gynaecologist remarked to the lady "Wow, that's the cleanest vagina I've ever seen!" The lesbian replied "It should be, I have a woman in three times a week".
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What did the cow say to the farmer?
Stop playing with my tits and fuck me
_____
Why do girls have foreheads?
So you can kiss them on the face after you blow in their mouth.
_____
How do you can you tell that your girlfriend is taking steroids?
When she bends you over the kitchen table and fucks you up the
ass with her clit.
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How do you get your neighbour's kids to stop playing on your
lawn?
Molest them.
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A 3 year old girl was walking around the house one day when she
walked into her parents room, where her mum was changing. Seeing
her mother naked, the girl looked at her mum's pussy and asked
"Mummy, what's that?". The mum replies, "That's my
vagina". The girl asks, "when will I get one of those?",
to which the mother replies, "When you're older, darling".
The girl then wanders into the bathroom, were her dad is taking a
shower. The girl looks at her dad's dick, and asks him "Daddy,
what's that?". The father then tells her, "that's my
penis". The girl asks "when will I get one of those?".
The dad then replies, "In about 20 minutes when your mum
goes down the shops".
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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a dog ?
A dead dog with a 12-inch asshole.
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A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a
spongebath. One of them is washing her "private area"
and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he
touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened,
telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex
will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The
husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the
curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally
agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the
woman's monitor flatlines... no pulse... no heart rate. The
nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling
up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
_____
A man is gambling in the casino and wins $1000. He decides to
celebrate and goes out looking for a hooker. He finds a hooker
and says he wants a blowjob. The hooker says "No Problem, $500."
Our hero says "Hey, that's a lot of money for a blowjob!"
The hooker replies "Do you see that BMW convertible over
there? I paid cash for it because I give the finest blowjobs in
town!" Our hero pays the hooker the money, gets his BJ and
goes back to the casino a very happy fellow. The next day, he's
in the casino and wins $2000. Again, to celebrate, he goes out
looking for a hooker. He finds the same one. He says "Today
I wanna fuck you in the ass." The hooker says "No
problem, $1000" Our hero says "Hey that's a lot of
money just for anal sex!" " The hooker responds "Do
you see that penthouse apt. up there? Well I paid cash for it
because I have the nicest ass in town!" Well, our hero pays
the hooker, goes about his business, and goes back to the casino
with a smile on his face. The next day, our hero leaves the
casino looking for a hooker. He finds the same one. He says
"Today, all I want is a little pussy." The hooker
replies "Do you see that new shopping mall they're building
across the street? Our hero answers "No! Don't tell me you
own that shopping mall too?" The hooker answers "No!
But you can be Damn sure I would if I had a pussy!"
_____
What's 12 inches long and stiff in the morning?
A Sudden Infant Death syndrome victim.
_____
What's the difference between a child molester and a Greyhound
Dog? The Greyhound Dog waits until the hairs out of the box. (HARE...like
rabbit)
_____
Three vampires walk into a pub and sit down at the bar. The
bartender walks up to the first vampire and asks "What'll
you have?", to which the vampire replies "A cup of
blood please". The bartender gets the vampire his drink and
then walks up to the second vampire and asks him, "What'll
you have?", to which the second vampire replies, "a cup
of blood please". The bartender gets the second vampire his
drink and walks up to the third vampire. "Let me guess,
you'll have a cup of blood, right?" the bartender asks. The
vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and replies "Nope,
I'll just have a glass of hot water, I feel like a cup of tea".
_____
There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle.
Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering
ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes
across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on
it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint
condition. He inquires about it with the owner:
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me
how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the
seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike
is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike
I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it."
and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes
the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a
Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's
parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and
figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to
the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something
about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't
talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to
do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the
living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room,
another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes.
In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to
dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of
the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one
says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts.
He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they
make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his
girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the
dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes
it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the
motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly
the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll
do the damn dishes."
_____
What do you call a woman police officer with her pussy shaved?
Cuntstubble!
_____
What is the difference between a paedophile and acne ?
Acne waits until your 12 before it comes on your face !
_____
Three women are sitting at a bar, and the first one says "I'm
so loose my husband can stick his hand up me" The second one
says "Thats nothing, I'm so loose my husband can stick his
head up me." And the third one laughed so hard she slipped
down the stool.
_____
A woman tells her friend she's received a bunch of flowers from
her husband. "I suppose I'll have to spend the entire
weekend on my back with my legs in the air," she says, to
which her friend replies, "Why, don't you have a vase?"
_____
A bus driver is driving along the regular route when he notices
that the only other person on the bus, a beautiful nun, is
walking towards him from her seat. She approaches him and says
"I'm going to go live in a nunnery for the rest of my life
tomorrow, and before I do that I'd like to have sex with a man
first".
The man, not believing his luck, says "sure, I'll do that".
The nun then tells him "I could only have sex with a man who
isn't married or doesn't have any children, and I would have to
have anal sex".
The man replies "That's fine, I'm single and I've never had
any children, and I don't mind fucking you up your ass". The
bus driver then pulls over to a secluded spot and fucks the nun
up her ass. As he pulls his pants back on, the bus driver looks
at the nun and says "I have to tell you, I'm sorry sister,
but I lied before - I'm married and have two children".
"That's ok," replies the nun, "My name is Dave and
I'm on my way to a fancy dress party".
_____
What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!
_____
What is better than winning a medal at the Para-olympics?
Having two legs. .
_____
What's red and eats nuts?
Syphillis.
_____
Why doesn't an aboriginal bride wear underwear at her wedding?
To keep the flies off the cake.
_____
What do you call an aboriginal woman who has an abortion?
A crimestopper.
_____
What was Diana's last drink?
Radiator coolant.
_____
Diana and Dodi are driving along, and Dodi leans across and asks
"Would you like to stay at my place tonight?". Diana
replies, "Nah, we'll just crash here for the night".
_____
What's the similarity between Diana and Pink Floyd?
Their last hit was The Wall.
_____
What do you give the princess who has everything?
A seatbelt and an airbag.
_____
What was the last thing that Diana said to Dodi?
I want it hard and fast and up against the wall.
_____
What do Michael Hutchence and INXS groupies have in common?
They just hang around near the hotel door.
_____
What's the difference between Michael Hutchence and Princess Diana?
Michael had a belt when he died.
_____
What's red and crawls up your leg?
A homesick abortion.
_____
How does a woman know that her boyfriend has a high sperm count?
She has to chew before she swallows.
_____
This kid is sitting by the edge of this cliff near the side of the road, crying his eyes out, and this guy driving past sees the kid sitting there by himself and pulls over. He walks up to the kid and asks "Where are your parents?"
The kid just sits there and keeps crying.
The man asks again, "Where are your parents, kid?"
The kid sits there and just keeps crying.
The man walks up to the edge of the cliff and sees a car wreck at the bottom of the cliff, with parts of dead bodies everywhere. The guy asks the kid "Are those your parents down there?"
The kid looks up and replies "Yes."
The man then pulls out his dick and says "Gee, today just isn't your day kid."
_____
What's the difference between a miscarriage and a train carriage?
You can't eat a train carriage.
_____
A man walks into a bar and the bartender says
to him: "Excuse me sir, did you know that you have a
steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The man replies, "Yeah, it's driving me nuts."
_____
How does a Tasmanian know if his sister is having her period?
His brother's dick tastes funny.
(For those who don't know, Tasmania is the incest capital of Australia)
_____
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick him up and suck him off.
_____
What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic.
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