Ailing Pope Sympathizes With Aging Christ


  Pope John Paul MM met with Christ last week at the Vatican to chit-chat and discuss the upcoming religious ratings week.   While both agreed that last year's trip to America's heartland in St. Louis was a much-needed success, the question this time was how to repeat and build upon the progress made.

  With no formal plans realized, the talk turned to everyday concerns.  While the Pope has recently suffered from serious health problems, Christ the Almighty confessed he too has physical ailments.

  "Well, the omnipotence just isn't what it used to be," he admitted.  As the Pope held his surprise in check, He continued.  "Divine Providence is now shipped around the world by air mail.  It takes more planning to ensure it arrives on time, but I have the money, and besides, it's worth it.

  "I find myself turning on a few stars now and then to see into the darker corners of the universe.  Old age is a real bitch."

  When the Pope asked if Christ needed a health care professional to look in on him, the Lord enigmatically replied, "My retirement package is pretty good though.  I get to keep everything."

  The two met after seeing Ronald Reagan on television trying to remember where he last ditched Nancy.


Bobbett Is Now Once Shy, Twice Bitten


  John Wayne Bobbett was recently injured when his lady-friend bit his penis.

  Doctors say the recovering womanizer will never have sex again.  NOW released an official statement saying only, "Yes!".

  With the second wound damaging the same area as the first, chances of a return to full use are zero.  Bobbett first made the news when his wife, Lorena, sliced his bologna with a first name.

  ABC Television has contacted Bobbett and plans to air a miniseries on his troubled life sometime later this year.  The tentative title is Bobbett: The Story Of A Dick, With A Twist.


Man With Doorknob Fetish Unable To Fondle Girlfriend




   Woman Is Not A Door		     A loser in rural Illinois recently let slip to a big-mouthed friend that he was unable to enjoy time with his girlfriend.  "He said she had this great body, nice tits, but kind of small.  And he couldn't use his hands, because he has this thing for doorknobs.   And they reminded him of doorknobs.  So he freaked," said the un-named, big-mouthed, close friend.

  Loser's girlfriend admitted that the relationship is strained.  "Is it me?" she wailed.

  And loser's long-time psychiatrist stated, "Loser has yet to tell of me these developments.  But it sounds like a one session problem.  Freud discussed dissonance, where two things are similar, but the one difference is of such degree that it creates mental conflict.

  "It sounds as if there is dissonance between turning doorknobs and her perky little boobs, caused by her over-sized, reddish nipples.  All loser needs to do is imagine them as push-button locks."

  Loser's close friend remarked that the solution sounded simple enough, and that the fetish itself had not been a problem before, with one exception.  "The toilet seat cover has a doorknob on it, with a working lock.  That may become a big issue during his SuperBowl party."


Bruce Scolds Thomas; "Why Didn't You Yell Jesus?"


  Isaac Bruce took time off from practices this week before his SuperBowl appearance to visit Missouri's AFC team star Derrick Thomas.  Thomas is the Kansas City Chiefs defensive back who was traveling to the airport for a trip to see the St. Louis Rams play-off game when his car left the road and flipped several times.

  A passenger was killed, and Thomas is paralyzed from the waist down, his career most likely prematurely over.  Bruce experienced a similar car wreck, with his passenger severely injured while he was able to walk away afterwards.  Bruce claims he was not harmed because he yelled "Jesus!" and let go of the wheel as the car lost control.

  Unbelievably, Bruce chided Thomas in order to raise his spirits.  "All you had to do, you know, was yell 'Jesus!' and you could have prevented this random accident and the harm it's done."

  Thomas appeared amused, but had Isaac Bruce escorted out of the hospital.  "I was just trying to raise his spirits.  Returning the favor, you know, joking with him.  I'll learn to walk, just so I can kick his ass."  Then he smiled.


<-- Previous Radish Article   |   Home   |   Next Radish Article -->

25 January 2000