Largest Merger Ever

America & Europe To Join Forces, Create Eur-merica

Millions Of Citizens To Be Laid Off

  At press conferences in both Paris and Washington D.C. today, the presidents of those respective countries announced a merger that would be the largest ever in terms of financial strategy.   The two strongest economic units, in every major aspect, would create a new nation, formally to be called Eurmerica.   This new geographic entity would commonly be called Microsoft.

  President Clinton explained:

  "...to save time and the future expense of changing letterhead, stationary, etc., we are jumping the gun and announcing that Microsoft will be the new name.  Bill Gates, at present rates of business incorporation, will own all properties on the two continents within a mere 23 weeks."

  He added that all citizens would be referred to as surfes, with the extra "e" denoting "electronic."   "All our citizens will be electronic ones, as we plan within the year to transfer to e-government.   The details are outlined at e-gov@ms.com."

  There would be several advantages to this merger, explained experts.  "This new nation will be able to make war and create wealth on an unprecedented level," said Feeble VanMinder, economist for the London Pounder. "They will also control entertainment revenues in the western hemisphere and around the world.  Former America will make the crappy movies and music, and former Europe will produce the crappy electronics to play those films and songs on."

  Protests are being planned for one detail which was only confirmed, but not explained.  Millions of non-white citizens will be laid off as a result of the merger.  The press release explained that economic interests could not be obtained unless capital and assets were not offset by huge social programs and meaningless, minimum wage jobs.  Anyone earning less than $25,000 per year will lose citizenship and be exported unless they choose one of three options.

  Those options include working for the military, the e-government, or Microsoft.  There is no retirement age listed at this time, according to the press release.

Fruit Of The Loom & Johnson
Offer New Medical Product To Public

  John Wayne Bobbett was recently injured when his lady-friend bit his penis.  As a result, he was contacted by two leading corporations to test their beta product for males who suffer the same predicament: SED.  Similar to ED, or "erectile dysfunction," SED is Sudden Erection Dismemberment.

  The product is simple enough: the padding of a Band-Aid stitched into the crotch of a Fruit Of The Loom brief.   "For those suffering the trauma of penile dismemberment, or trauma, there is no way to keep bandages in place, and this product is hopefully the answer to that dilemma for thousands of emasculated males," said Dr. Peppy Gongole, a specialist in eunichanasia.

  The major obstacle was preventing the adhesive strip from tearing large clumps of hair and skin from the body, and this product has resolved that issue.  Bobbett first made the news when his wife, Lorena, sliced his bologna with a first name.  The product is scheduled to go on sale in a couple of months, and experts predict it will cost an arm and a leg.

Fiber Plugz Offer Relief To Constipated Assholes

  For those who have been waiting to replace bowls of clumpy, tasteless cereal and harsh, gobstopper pills, Fiber Plugz may be the answer.  Unlike most supplements for regular bowel movements, which are taken orally, this new item goes straight to the source.  Inserted anally, Fiber Plugz company promises relief in less than five minutes.

  "By placing a large amount of highly concentrated fiber into the rectum, we can pop the cork on the most stubborn, uh, irregularities," said Boopsie Poopsie, the PR woman for Fiber Plugz, Inc.

  Although the plugs look like small potted plants and weigh only five pounds, some experts doubt the company's claims.

Hy-Vee Enacts New Hiring Policy:
Stock, Pass & Pray

Warner Makes It To The Big Aisle

  Hy-Vee, a national grocer's chain, has announced a bold new hiring policy that will undoubtedly face legal challenges.  Called "Stock, Pass & Pray," the policy requires all new employees to do their jobs with humility while occasionally taking a few minutes to goof around and be dreamers before returning to the mind-numbing work commonly found in grocery stores, small-town retail outlets, and McDonald's.

  Said co-owner Guy Hy, "We expect to save hundreds of dollars on advertising.   Thanks to Kurt Warner, we've been mentioned in more newspapers, magazines and television shows than we could afford if we sold all our applesauce inventory."   Agreed Steve Vee, the other co-owner, "Yes, by avoiding Madison Avenue altogether and hiring only gruff, unshaven lay-abouts with stars in their eyes, we predict one or two more athletes or rock stars to propel our image into the public arena within the next thirty years.  We're already planning to spend the money we save on a company picnic, the first in the history of Hy-Vee.  And by catering our own party, we hope to save even more!  Of course, those savings will go directly to you, the customer, when you visit Hy-Vee!"

  Said one acne-burdened teen leaving from an interview, "I'm sunk.  I have no dreams past dinner at 6:30, and no talents.  Getting kicked off the kazoo team at school meant I had nothing to put down in the skills section of the application."

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4 February 2000