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In response to the low number of fatalities as a result of gun violence, the National Rifle Association, also known as the NRA, has petitioned several educational and teaching organizations to add shooting courses to high school curricula. The NRA's president, Harlton Cheston, said in a written statement: "While we at the NRA are pleased with the increasing number of gun sales, and their attendant usage in everyday fatalities and homicides and other stress-reducing activities, we feel that rifles and small arms are being used inefficiently. Requiring high schools to teach skills such as accuracy, distance shooting, quick ammo reload, and firearm maintenance will go far in raising the body count for each rampage and spontaneous lashing-out." PTA spokeswoman Ima Buchvurm replied, "Mr. Cheston can go (expletive) shoot himself in the (testicles). Then he wouldn't have the (chutzpah, or cajones) to suggest such stupidity." She then rapped a student in the head with an aluminum ball bat for farting. |
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Harold "Hercules" Jercovich, known to friends and family as "Herc the Jerk," triumphantly responded to winning a laser rifle by beaming holes into several people, who all promptly bled to death. Having contributed one dollar to the Senate campaign of Buck Warhead, R-Texas, the raffle ticket was drawn from several thousand. With so many supporters at the fund-raising party, Herc the Jerk told his best friend he simply had to have some fun with his new prize, at which time he began perforating the potential legislator's would-be constituents. After his arrest, the Jerk told police, "That was much more fun than a laser pointer." The so-called "Swiss Cheese" law in Texas means the Jerk will spend a maximum of one week in jail. Two years ago Jercovich was acquitted in a trial brought on by a local Hooters. He was found by law enforcement officials up on the bar, wearing steel boots and tap dancing. The tat-baring tavern sued for loss of business. |
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The World Wrestling Federation, or WWF, has announced plans for a NASCAR- like professional racing organization.
The wrestling association has enjoyed great economic fortune lately, as Americans have converted to redneck and cracker philosophies at an increasingly rapid rate. And during the NFL playoffs, the WWF told of plans for an Xtreme Football League, the XFL.
Highlights of this extrapolation of the National Football League include topless cheerleaders with belly rings, kegs in every bleacher section, and more methods for players to maim each other and the officials, both on and off the field of play. The new racing group will be called LIC-CAR, playing on the similarity to the word "liquor" in pronunciation. The acronym stands for Loud Inebriated Crackers in CARs. Pit stops during races would be replaced with wet bars. All drivers would be required to maintain a 2.5% blood-alcohol content for the duration of the contest. While all other pro races use pace cars in the preliminary laps, LIC-CAR management stated that police cars would follow the racers, and any driver pulling over to the shoulder would be disqualified. In an effort to improve relations with fans, all racing spectators will be allowed on the race track at a time to be announced over the public address system. All drivers who collide with or kill fans during "happy hour" will have points deducted from their final tally. The winner of the race will be the driver who quits going in circles and finds the straight path to the garage, and then enters the garage without wrecking into it as he enters. LIC-CAR participants will receive free sponsorships from all major American breweries, which plan to use the race cars for anti-drunken driving ad campaigns. Coors Brewery of Colorado plans to sell beer in cups which will have their slogan "Coors, Not Corpse." Suggested racing tracks include: Tip O'Neil's Speak-Easy Drive-Thru Happy Hour in Washington D.C.; the George Jones SUV Turnover in Texas; the Kelsey Grammar Viper-Biter Speedway near Hollywood; and the David Letterman Turbo-Charged SonOfABitch Express near Brooklyn. Any driver winning three or more contests in one season will receive the Robert Downey Jr. Achievement Award, with any runners-up being awarded the Harry Carey "Holy Cow" Kahlua Creamer. |
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After years of creating commercials under its "Just Do It" slogan, Nike announced today that its advertising team was ending the promotional campaign, one of the most successful ever. "Our ad agency, Foot In Mouth, is tired of doing it and has requested either additional compensation or several weeks vacation," said Athena Orgasma Nike, a foot-fetishest with complete control of the shoe company. "I decided immediately to give them a bonus and fire them." One member, Ned A. Knap, complained that "we just did it. Every day, from nine to five, we screwed our brains out. Yes, we conceived the Just Do It idea, but over time it became much more narrowly defined. I now suffer from severe protein deficiency, and my wife has to dress up like Britney Spears and lip-synch "Baby One More Time" just to get my energy up. The over-taxed advertisers are scheduled to receive an outstanding achievement award from the organization Stamina Stamina Stamina before shooting a pay-per-view sextacle for Playboy television subscribers. Nike plans to disinfect and remodel the ad team's headquarters before leasing it to new tenants. |