Time Warner Pulls The Cable On Disney, ABC

1 May 2000

Time Warner pulled ABC television from several major cities yesterday, leaving more than three million people without programming from one of the three major networks.  In Toledo, Ohio, there were many subscribers who took to the streets to protest the lack of Drew Carey re-runs.   Around the country, many children seemed brighter, as if lifted from a haze.  Anonymous sources were quoted as saying that prescriptions of Ritalin had dropped by 15%, and some doctors stated, off the record, that it was nothing short of a miracle.   Some children have been heard to say they are glad they will not be forced to watch the Wonderful World of Disney on Sunday nights anymore, and would like to see the blackout continue.   "If my parents make me watch either Gepetto or Mulan one more time, I swear I'm going to run away," said an eight-year old girl who requested anonymity for fear of going to bed without supper. Geppetto, Now With Strings Attached! Time Warner Draws Viewers From Drew   Across the nation, medical experts are whispering that some cancer patients are going into remission.   Other experts are cautiously calling this the greatest medical advance since Viagra.   "Some deranged individual has deprived all of these people of ABC," added Preston Padden, executive vice president of governmental relations at Disney.  "These people are arrogant manipulators."   An anonymous Time Warner executive stated that, "Now if we could only get rid of Rugrats.  We're working on shutting down Nickolodeon as we speak."