College Football Season BeginsTexas Marks Occasion With Annual Student SacrificeWith the season openers only days away, sports fanatics have begun buying beer and boning up on useless statistical charts in preparation. Bands and cheerleaders have been limbering up and television networks anticipate record audiences for one of America's most popular sports seasons. Texans plan to commence their own football league with a special student sacrifice, normally reserved for the Texas A&M University team, the Aggies. In typical Texas fashion, Governor George W. Bush proclaimed that the great state of Texas was big enough for its own conference, and would therefore shun any NCAA scheduling proposals. Students have begun appealing to university officials in hopes of being among the first to be sacrificed. While the traditional bonfire sacrifice has in years past been most adequate, Billy Bob "Slingblade" Thornton, Texas A&M El Presidente, has suggested a contest for most creative ritual to replace the bonfire ceremony. "We're looking to move past the whole Joan of Arc thing. Texas is a progressive state now, and our dedication to football must reflect that attitude." The leading candidates to replace the Log Crush Bonfire are: Aggie Recycling (Slogan "It Works For Aluminum"), Drunken Tractor Cow-Tipping (Slogan "Beers, Steers and John Deeres"), and Baggies For Aggies (Slogan "Ziploc And Load"). |
 
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