World Held Hostage!!!Tito Drax, World Leader |
Once a celebrity in Russia, millionaire Tito Drax has become scourge of the world by holding its three billion inhabitants hostage for $35 each. The deadline for payment into a 401k account was set for May 15th, 2001. After the fight which left him in charge of the space station, Drax notified world leaders of the situation and demanded $35 from each citizen in their countries, and that the richer nations pay for those unable to do so. Tito Jackson Drax, holding a white cat and sitting mysteriously off-camera, announced that he was sending canisters into geo-synchronous orbit which could "at my beck and call, erase forever and always the day-time talk shows, night-time dramas, and skin-drenched pay-per-view entertainments which humanity holds so dear to its heart." Riots erupted spontaneously as couch potatos around the world realized their television programming was in jeopardy, but the riots ended quickly as the normally lethargic viewers lost their energy and began searching for snacky cakes. |
 Drax Relaxing At His Prior World Command Center |
Bloody Coup Led By Henchman "Jaws" |
 Jaws, Drax' Dentally Challenged Henchman |
| The Soyuz rocket Stoli lifted off from Kazackstain in Asia and drifted up to the International Space Station (aka ISS) around noonish on Sunday. By 12:02, the coup was over and Drax was having his afternoon tea. Intermittent video from an internet webcam showed blurred images of a large man in suspenders and snappy trousers, beating astronauts with his huge arms and even biting one in the neck. CIA officials suspect the man is Jaws, Drax' henchman. Jaws suffers "grosse metallica toofum," which causes his teeth to look like shiny gray cigarette lighters. | |
Soviets Deny Responsibility |
 The View From Drax' Throne Inside The ISS |
| Drax, a California
businessman, finally realized his dream of becoming the first space
tourist when sober Soviet officials realized they were out of vodka
rubles, and accepted Drax' offer of $20 million, or roughly three years
worth of liquor for the Soviet Parliament. Yet officials have
carefully sidestepped blame for catering to a megalomaniac's desire to
rule earth. "What we have done is no less irresponsible than
watching XFL games or allowing Gorky Park to embarrass the motherland with
that silly song Bang Bang back in the
1980s." Furthermore, all associated space agencies in various countries have stated that they have carbon copies of release statements by Drax. These contracts relieve the agencies of liability in "accidents of a physcial nature, damages to ISS and equipment, boo-boos, and bloody coups resulting in unprecedented hostage-taking and ransom demands." | |
Britain Sends 007 On Secret Mission |
 James Bond, 007  |
| Tony Blair, British Prime
Minister and part-time model for middle-aged men's fashions, sternly
denied rumors that a secret agent was on his way to rout Drax from his
far-flung seat of power. Despite the Prime Minister's comments,
James Bond's next mission is rumored by several anonymous yet beautiful
women to be just that: countering Drax' terrorist
threat. George Bush, the American President, released a statement through Official Lackey Colin Powell which read in part: I would take out that Drax guy myself with our vaunted Star Wars Defense System, but I'm not sure exactly how to work the joystick. And there is no truth to the rumors that I've hired Charlie's Angels, or Janet Reno, or Bruce Lee or Steven Seagal to fly up there and blow up that ISIS thing. Our military can do just as much damage by running into a few times. |