The Urban Legend Of A Sleepy Hollow Man
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| Well, it's time again to save your money. Not even going to keep you in suspense on these two films, they're stinkers. Let's start with the big names in the small film that couldn't. Kevin Bacon plays Dr. Sizzlean in
Hollow Man, directed by the same man who brought us
Basic Instinct, Paul Verhoeven. Of course, that
script came from Joe Eszterhas, and when Verhoeven directed Starship Troopers, the basic script was cribbed from
Robert Heinlein's novel. Neither of these films has a power writer behind them, nor did they include Kevin
Bacon, and neither will Basic Instinct 2001. Michael
Douglas was in One Night at McCool's (2000) with Matt Dillon, and Matt Dillon was in Wild Things (1998) with
Kevin Bacon. That's a Bacon #2, don't hold the cheese. What's interesting is the inclusion of one of the many models used for creating Lara Croft in Sony's Playstation game Tomb Raider, Rhona Mitra. That's double bonus points for those of you playing along at home on your super-duper Gary Cooper Special Edition POP Culture Palisade and Boardwalk Game Table, since I cross-referenced the entertainment (Movies to Video Games), threw in an old screen legend as an extra tidbit (Gary Cooper), and shuffled over in our downtime to throw Michael Douglas into The Oracle. |
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| Really, I mean invisible men? First, we break the speed of light, then we get green ketchup, and now this? Do you know what this kind of power would mean? Britney Spears thought she was creeped out when a millionaire wanted to pay her for sex, think how she'd feel if this movie came true. |
 When You Wish Upon A Star "If We Pull The Wishbone Just So..." |
| Too bad Kevin can't really become invisible, because he'd have
the chance to fix the script to Urban Legend 2000.
Yes, the original was terrible, and thus the genius that is Hollywood has deemed it necessary to pummel us
with yet another half-baked concoction of confused co-eds bouncing around a campus setting. Whereas the
first film at least had B-actors and Alicia Witt, this offspring has
not one single name to its, uh, name. Better off staying home and watching
That 70s Show. Granted, the original also starred
Natasha Gregson Wagner and Tara Reid, but this film faux pas stars neither of them, nor Kevin Bacon, nor was it written by a
famous science-fiction author or Joe Eszterhas. Joey Lawrence, from Blossom? That's the big star in this piece of schlock? Has Hollywood gone completely bonkers??? Seems the target audience for this film has probably already spent their $7 on Scary Movie. Let's move on to the director. He's a musician, and has done scores for Lake Placid and Apt Pupil. His career highlight includes doing audio work for The Usual Suspects, the same film that put Kevin Spacey on the map. Incidentally, Spacey went on to work with Mena Suvari in American Beauty, who was Tara's co-star in American Pie, a film which never starred Kevin Bacon, or Kevin Spacey, and, thankfully, did not star an invisible Shannon Elizabeth (who actually was in Scary Movie). Let's sum up: a serial killer on campus who kills students using urban legends as his script. I'd choose the legend about the woman who is in her car when a can of biscuits explodes and hits her in the head, and while she has her arms up to hold her brains in her head because she thinks she's been shot, I'd make her watch crappy horror films until she begs for mercy. Yes, that's cruel, I know, but I'm just like that. Or the legend about the invisible man who hides under cars and slashes women's ankles when they get to their cars. Or the one where the movie studio executive produces so much crap like this film, that he is defined as a cultist by Janet Reno on 60 Minutes and assassinated by the FBI in broad daylight while shopping in a Sam's Club. |
 Legendary Witt |
 $7.00 Undies!!! |
| Stay home, don't go to the movies, don't go shopping, don't buy any biscuits, and make sure you wear ankle guards when you go out to your car. Just stay home, and don't let the invisible man get you, or let your green ketchup move at the speed of light. Shop online instead for Hollow Man merchandise, such as the heat-sensitive mousepad.(You'll need the $7.00 from not seeing that other unmentionable film as well, because the Hand-Happy Hollow Man Hand Pad Mouse Pad is at a one-time low price of $11.99.) |
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Created 6 August 2000