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Superhero Affleck-tion Strikes Blind Orphan Lawyer Wearing Red Unitard In Radioactive Hell's Kitchen Ben Affleck Plays Daredevil In Movie, And On J-Lo's Booty  "Is that gas from Hell's Kitchen, or from DareDevil?" |
| Today’s turd is The Daredevil. First of all, this is a film for kids. I’m talking about the four to ten-year olds who believe in angels and Santa Claus. Second, it stars Ben Affleck as a superhero. Yeah, Ben Affleck. Soon to be primary weiner and booty-licker for Jennifer Lopez. Talk about a twisted fantasy world. Third, Ben and his weiner are stuffed into a hideous red leotard that makes him look like Hemorrhage Man. Obviously, there’s a lot right on the surface of this film that looks like a bulls-eye, so let’s sling some arrows.
One plot summary reads: “Fate deals young orphan Matt Murdock a strange hand when he is doused with radioactive waste.” My god, his name is Matt Murdock? If he was an orphan, couldn’t he have picked a better fuckin’ name? Like Brock Rockhammer? Or Richard Steele? And oh, he’s an orphan. Boo-hoo. Doused in radioactive waste. What? Was the orphanage located in Reactor Number Three? How the hell does an orphan get anywhere near radiation? Was he involved in the Army’s Plutonium Packing Summer Camp, where little lost ones tap key ingredients into warheads while learning the value of teamwork and Gieger counters? Let’s continue. “The accident leaves Matt blind but also gives him a heightened radar sense that allows him to see far better than any man.” So now we have a blind orphan named Matt Murdock who grows up to wear tight red unitards. Still feel like letting your kids see this film? Wait, maybe there is redemption in this film, if we look further. “A heightened radar sense that allows him to see far better than any man.” That’s saying a lot. Most men can’t see past the closest set of boobs bouncing past them. And what good is radar to the human mind? We’re not bats, after all. He’d be better off modifying the GPS from a Cadillac so it sends various audio signals directly into his ears. The list of items a blind person needs to stay away from is a short one: highways, city parks, and Anna Nicole Smith. And there’s more… ”Years later Murdock has grown into a man and becomes a respected criminal attorney.” Years later, we would have expected him to grow into a freak. Not a man who is a respected criminal attorney. Respected and attorney in the same sentence. Insert punchline here. Finally, we learn that “after he's done his day job Matt takes on a secret identity as The Man Without Fear, Daredevil, the masked avenger that patrols the neighborhood of Hell's Kitchen and New York City to combat the injustice that he cannot tackle in the courtroom.” After he’s done his day job, I’d like to know how many hours it takes a blind man to change from his suit and tie into a piece of latex that stretches in more ways than a porn star. A daredevil indeed, when you step out to fight crime with your outfit on backwards and inside out. No need to worry about taking on criminals when the teenagers on your block beat your ass silly because you look like a circus freak in pimp pajamas. As for patrolling Hell’s Kitchen and New York City, that’s what I’d do if I was dressed for a Rainbow Coalition parade. This film shouldn’t be called Daredevil, it should be called Dumbass. Now for the visual evidence, no pun intended. |
| "Is this scene going to keep me from wearing that latex outfit for a while? Cause those wedgies cause serious ass-blisters." |
| Baked |
| Catholic School Girl Ninja Confessions |
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Created 6 December 2002