My journey began in total darkness. I hated myself and what I had become. I felt like I was a freak or worse completely crazy. My depression was so bad that I wanted to die. How could I ever face my past let alone share it with anyone? I thought I deserved to be hurt and abused. All I was good for was sex and making men happy. I had no self-respect and I had no hope. Life was not worth living. During this time in my life I began a two year journey to discover who I am and to put my past to rest. The journey was long and arduous because the memories were overwhelming and the flashbacks debilitating. I could not have done it alone. I had the help of a counselor who saw past all the garbage and was willing to work to help me through the darkness.
After the darkness came the most confusing time of my life. I had a child inside me who had never gotten to grow up. It was so difficult to let the child express her fears and pain. I found that the child loved to draw and paint and play. She didn't know how to express her feelings except on paper. She had to have stuffed animals to feel safe and secure but more than that she had to find out she was not alone. The child was terrified of being abandoned especially by her mother. This was a very trying time in my journey because letting someone help me and becoming a child again was difficult.
The child had to eventually grow up. The fears and pain of that time slowly began to fade. The light began to shine through all the garbage of the past one piece at a time. The child began to think like and adult and to want to live instead of die. The child began to see that life was not so bad and she was signifigant and people loved her and wanted to help her. The real light came when she began to let people love her. She began asking for what she needed. The light has only been shining through for a couple of months. Sometimes the clouds come back but the sun usually peaks through after a few days.
The most difficult part of my journey has been the spiritual part. I had and still have an intense fear of abandonment. I felt like I did not deserve to be loved or cared for because I was horrible. Nothing I accomplished in my healing changed that very much. I didn't understand I was loved and signifigant and complete until I allowed Christ back into my life. I discovered that because of his love I am never alone. There is always someone there who understands and cares about me. I am signifigant because he created me and he loves me. Nothing I have ever done is bad enough that he won't forgive me. I finally understand unconditional love.
My jouney is far from over. There are still alot of valley's I have to walk through. I am just beginning to figure out who I really am. If nothing else, I hope this page inspires you to continue with your journey. You are worth the time and effort it takes to heal. You have embarked on a journey that is difficult and painful yet will change every fabric of your life.
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Home: The home page of this site A Survivor's Story: My personal survival story Survivor's Poetry: Contains poetry written by survivors My Views On Christiantiy: What I learned about Christ during my journey Other Survivor's Sites: Contains links to other survivor's sites on the web |