Editor's note: The picture doesn't have anything to do with the story, but since this editor thinks it's funny as hell, it stays.
A Near Mysia
Unfortunately for the Achæans, they were just as unfamiliar with the route from Aulis to Troy as the Trojans were of the route from Troy to Salamis [See Chapter Five]. Because of this it is not surprising that they got lost and overshot their destination, landing further down the coast in Mysia. While they made their initial approach, they were hailed by a group of Mysian warriors who had been appointed by their king, Telephos, to watch the coast and to question all those who landed in Mysia as to what nation they came from and what business they had in the kingdom. The Mysian coast guard was also supposed to prevent anyone from landing until this information had been conveyed to their king and his approval for the landing granted.
The questions asked by the Mysians put the Achæans in a quandary. As men, they didn't want to admit that they were lost and ask for directions, so they did the next best thing. They attacked the Mysian coast guard, killing most of them. The few Mysian warriors who escaped the massacre brought the news back to Telephos that a large group of heavily armed men had landed on his shores and slaughtered his soldiers. Outraged at this invasion of his territory, Telephos immediately armed himself and set out with the men he had available at his court.
Despite the fact that he was the ruler of a barbarian kingdom, Telephos himself was an Achæan by birth, the son of no less a luminary than the demigod Herakles. Long ago, the Tegean king Aleus was warned by the Delphic Oracle that if his daughter, Auge, was ever to become pregnant she would bear a son who would kill Aleus' sons. Wishing to avoid this fate Aleus had Auge appointed a priestess of Athena, a position that required lifelong chastity. To further assure his daughter's cooperation, Aleus told her that if she failed in her duties he would have her killed. Auge assured him that this was unnecessary since she was very happy with her new responsibilities.
This arrangement worked out just fine until the hero Herakles arrived at Tegea and was entertained by Aleus. After a late night of feasting, the visiting demigod was housed at the temple of Athena. Unfortunately Herakles had too much wine at the feast and, never the most stable individual to begin with, went completely out of control. Upon discovering that his quarters for the evening came equipped with female companionship, Herakles pinned Auge against the altar and forced himself on her. A few hours later when sobriety began to set in Herakles realized that he had raped a virgin priestess of Athena and violated the hospitality of his host, so he slipped out of Tegea before first light.
When Aleus found out what Herakles had done and that Auge was now pregnant, he was less than supportive of his traumatized daughter. He ordered that she be taken to the sea and drowned, and called upon the Nauplius the ferryman to perform this gruesome task. Nauplius had a reputation for dealing with problems of this nature, having been called upon by Katreus to dispose of his daughters Ærope and Klymene by selling them in foreign lands. Nauplius had resolved that problem by selling Ærope to Atreus and keeping Klymene for himself. Thinking Aleus was a heartless bastard for proposing his pregnant daughter's murder and recalling the tidy profit he had made on his last deal, Nauplius sold Auge and her son Telephos, who was born en route, to King Teuthras of Mysia. Teuthras had no wife or children and decided to solve both problems by marrying his pretty new slave, Auge, and formally adopting her son, who looked like he would grow up to be quite strong indeed. Upon the death of Teuthras many years later Auge's son Telephos inherited the kingdom of Mysia.
It was in this way that Telephos, son of Herakles, became king of Mysia. When Telephos first encountered his fellow Achæans they were busily plundering the coastal regions of what they assumed was Troy. Enraged by this affront to civilized behavior, Telephos ordered his troops to attack at once.
The Mysians initially held the advantage since they had surprise on their side. In the initial assault Telephos and his companions cut a trail of carnage through the Achæan soldiers. Contributing to the destruction was the fact that the Achæans were already pillaging the coastal village where they had landed and had not set up any sort of defensive perimeter. The sudden appearance of a large force of hostile warriors caught them completely by surprise. The Achæans' hero of the hour was the Theban prince Thersander, who was both the grandson and grandnephew of Odipos. He was the first Argive hero to rally his troops into some semblance of order and press a counterattack. Thersander's efforts permitted the other Achæans to fall back and regroup, but this act of valor cost him dearly. Pressing his advantage Thersander drove his assault into the core of the Mysian forces, which consisted of Telephos and his picked men. Thersander cut a bloody swath through some of Mysia's finest warriors, which sent the Mysian king into a blind rage. The huge Telephos, upon seeing his men being slaughtered at the hands of this pirate, launched himself at Thersander like a thunderous cloud of sharp bronze. Trying to defend himself, Thersander's spear went wide. Pressing his opponent's mistake, Telephos drove his own sharp bronze spear through Thersander's chest.
As was the victor's right, Telephos moved to strip the armor and weapons off the body of Thersander. He was prevented from this by Diomedes, who had seen Thersander fall and rushed to defend the corpse. Taken aback by the sudden appearance of a fresh warrior to fight, Telephos fell back a step, and one step was all Diomedes needed. Slinging the body of Thersander across his back, he carried it back to the Achæan ships.
When they saw the body of Thersander slung over Diomedes' back it was the Achæan princes' turn to get angry. Achilleus and Telamonian Aias in particular decided that this atrocity should be answered in kind. These two princes divided their forces from each other and each pursued one flank of the Mysian army. Aias was particularly successful in his assault thanks to an unusual tactic he used to great effect. Aias was stronger than any other living mortal, and it was his habit to hurl large stones, such as two ordinary men together could not lift, into the ranks of the enemy. While a spear would probably have been just as deadly the psychological impact was significantly greater. Aias wasn't a particularly bright man, but he knew how unnerving it could be to have your nearest companion squashed flatter than a pita. It was with just such a boulder that he managed to crush the head of Teuthrantios, Telephos' half brother.
Rushing to help his brother's men, who were now leaderless, Telephos was confronted by Achilleus. Charging forward, Telephos tripped on a vine and was brought to his knees. By dividing their forces, Achilleus and Aias had managed to lure the main body of the Mysian troops into a vineyard where the treacherous terrain favored the more heavily armored Achæans by depriving the Mysians of their superior mobility. Taking advantage of his opponent's carelessness, Achilleus lashed out with his spear, piercing Telephos through the left thigh. Overcoming his pain, Telephos managed to rise, remove the spear and, screened by his troops, withdrew from the battlefield.
Despite the wounding and retreat of Telephos the battle still wavered between the two sides and was only halted by the coming of night. The following day each side sent envoys to the other to arrange a truce so that their dead might be counted and buried. It was only then that the Achæans discovered that the kingdom they were attacking was not Troy and that the king against which they had fought was not only an Achæan himself, but a son of Herakles as well. This made Telephos kin to three of the princes in the Argive fleet. Tlepolemos of Rhodes was also a son of Herakles, and Phidippos and Antiphos were two of Herakles' grandsons. Horrified at the diplomatic faux pas they had just committed, these three kinsmen of Telephos made a special journey to apologize to the wounded king and explain their mission to him.
Telephos accepted their apology. After all, it was a Dark Age and these things happen. He was particularly fascinated with their story of how Paris, son of Priam, had offended all the Achæan people by his abduction of Helen. When he was asked to join his fellow Achæans in this noble quest, however, he politely declined. One of the ways Priam had rebuilt the power of Troy after it was sacked by Herakles [see Chapter Five] was through numerous alliances, and Telephos had entered into just such an arrangement. In fact, Telephos' wife, Astyoche, was Priam's daughter and it would be highly improper to send his son, Eurypylos, on a mission to destroy his grandfather's kingdom. On the other hand it would also be impious to refuse these newly discovered bonds of blood kinship, so Telephos agreed to aid the Argive fleet with provisions and accurate directions to Troy.
To seal this arrangement Telephos threw a feast for the Achæan leaders. Both Agamemnon and Menelaos apologized profusely for any misunderstanding, and Achilleus was brought to tears when he saw the pain Telephos was enduring because of the wound through his thigh. Podalirios and Machaon, the chief physicians of the expedition, examined the wound but found it impossible to heal. The spear of Achilleus, known as the Pelion, cut deeply and gave wounds which were resistant to the healing skills of most mortals. The best the physicians could do was provide Telephos with drugs to numb the pain of his injury.
In addition to resupplying the fleet and providing directions to Troy, Telephos insisted that the Achæans remain in Mysia as his guests through the winter storm season which was only just beginning. Attempting to sail on to Troy at that point would have been exceedingly dangerous. Over the course of the winter the pain from Telephos' wound got worse as his painkillers got less and less effective. Finally he sent an emissary to a nearby Oracle of Apollo to ask if their was any way he his wound could be healed. The reply that came back was that only the spear that had caused his injury could repair it.
This reply was doubly infuriating because no one at Telephos' court could interpret the symbolism, and it seemed impossible that the Oracle had spoken literally. After all, spears inflict wounds, they don't close them. When the news of the oracle was brought to Podalirios and Machaon, however, they immediately realized the meaning and instructed Achilleus on what to do. Holding his spear over Telephos' wounded thigh, Achilleus scraped some corrosion from its metal tip. As soon as the flakes of metal touched the wound the infection began to subside and the flesh began to close. Pleased by his miraculous recovery Telephos offered Achilleus any reward it was in his power to grant but Achilleus politely declined, pointing out that it was his fault Telephos had been wounded in the first place so the one deed canceled out the other.
The healing of Telephos greatly relieved the conscience of Achilleus, who felt truly awful about trying to kill a man who turned out to be such a generous host, especially since the battle itself arose out of a miscommunication and not any true disagreement. The healing had set right Achilleus' mistake, so it was with a clean conscience that the son of Thetis cheerfully set sail in the spring to go kill as many Trojans as humanly possible.