A Trojan and His Erections
Now that all the kings were accounted for, the final preparations for the voyage to Troy could proceed. While most of the heroes involved were primarily interested in plunder, the leaders of the Achæan army decided to send a diplomatic mission to Troy to give the Trojans one last chance to be sensible.
The envoys selected for this sensitive mission were the clever Odysseus and the cuckolded Menelaos. These two took the fastest of the Argive ships and sailed to Ilion to do some sabre-rattling.
When the Achæan ship appeared on the horizon off the coast of the Troad there was a general panic among the Trojan people. Despite the fact that he had left Sparta months before Paris had still not returned to Troy and no word of his mission had reached the house of Priam since he left. Given this, it was assumed that Paris had failed in his attempt to rescue Hesione and that the Argives had come to demand reparations upon threat of war.
For this reason the Achæan ambassadors were received with the fear and suspicion they expected upon their arrival. The envoys were taken before Priam and a sullen assembly of elders to state their mission. Odysseus spoke for first, stating that his companion Menelaos had been wronged when the Trojan prince Alexandros kidnapped his wife Helen and looted his palace. A vast Achæan fleet consisting of over a thousand ships was even now assembling to right this wrong with fire and sword if necessary. All this death and destruction could be avoided, however, if Helen, the stolen property, and a suitable reparation were given to Menelaos before he departed.
Priam was astounded at this unexpected turn of events. After taking a moment to adjust to this new situation he told the envoys that his son Paris had indeed sailed for Achæa several months ago, but that no word had returned to Troy about the outcome of his mission. Since this was the case, he was unable to offer the envoys any satisfaction, even if he were inclined to do so. Furthermore, Priam pointed out that Paris' mission had been the restoration of a Trojan woman carried off against her will from her homeland. Even if what the Achæan ambassadors said was true, Priam said he would be willing to return Helen only if the Achæans would also return his sister Hesione.
This counter-offer offended Menelaos greatly. He shouted that the Achæans were not responsible to make recompense for the actions of their ancestors but that he was the victim of an outrageous wrong in the here and now. There were to be no conditions on the return of Helen as it was the right and proper thing to do in the sight of the gods. If not, Troy would burn.
This abusive speech greatly angered the assembled Trojans, who started to draw weapons and advance on the ambassadors. This would have been the end of the ambassadors (as well as the nascent Trojan War, which would have been derailed with the death of Helen's husband) had not the respected royal counselor Antenor intervened. Facing down the mob, Antenor scolded them and told them they should be ashamed. Guest were to be treated with respect and were protected by Zeus, and ambassadors and other messengers were also sacred to the god Hermes. This was the sort of behavior practiced by the barbarians, not civilized men. After this upbraiding the crowd stood back, but just to be on the safe side Antenor escorted the two kings back to his own house and entertained them there as honored guests until their departure.
So why was Paris so long in returning to Troy? After all, in the time it took the Achæans to send out heralds, assemble an army, track down two reluctant heroes, and send out peace feelers, Paris still hadn't made it home.
The first stop on his homeward voyage was the island of Kranaë, an idyllic spot in the southern Ægean. This was to be Helen and Alexandros' honeymoon spot. Because of their hurried departure from Sparta, the happy couple hadn't had a chance to consummate their passion.
Helen was a little bit wary about this. Her first partner, Theseus, had completely brutalized her at a very tender age. Her husband Menelaos, while not as violent, regarded sex as a duty and a wife as a type of accessory. While this sort of diligence had produced a daughter, it hadn't produced a very enthusiastic response in Helen.
Her first night with Paris exceeded her wildest expectations.
Although of royal blood, Paris had spent most of his life as a humble herdsman. This meant that any lovers he had (and he had many) were won because of his attractiveness and sexual prowess rather than with wealth and status. In short, Paris devoted a level of attention to satisfying Helen's needs that she had never encountered in a man before, opening a whole new world of sensuous delights for her enjoyment. As if that weren't enough, because this union was the result of the divine favor of Aphrodite, the experience was heightened even more by the blessing of the goddess. Their passion lasted all night, and the night seemed to last forever.
After their night of seemingly inexhaustible passion, a grateful Paris built the sanctuary of Aphrodite Migonitis, or Aphrodite of Union, on the mainland opposite Kranaë. Because of this the whole surrounding region became known as Migonium. Very pleased with his work, Paris showed the new structure to Helen, who admired his new erection and commented on its generous proportions and powerful appearance.
Paris and Helen spent many blissful months at Kranaë, enjoying the pleasure of each other's company by day, exploring new heights of carnal pleasure by night, and living off the goods plundered from Sparta. When they started to run low on massage oil and wine Paris and Helen decided it was time to sail for Troy. Unfortunately Aphrodite wasn't the only goddess watching Paris, and the lovers were driven off course by a storm sent by Hera, who was still upset about being snubbed by Paris, and the lovers landed in Sidon. At Sidon Alexandros bought a fabulous silk mantle for his mother Hekabe, whose favor he knew he had to win to keep Helen at Troy.
After Sidon, Paris and Helen wandered around the eastern Mediterranean on an extended vacation, visiting Phonicia and then Cyprus. At each step of the journey the charming and fascinating couple was well received and managed to acquire many valuable gifts. Paris would also construct shrines to his protectress Aphrodite at each of their ports of call, leaving these `Trojan erections' all over the eastern Mediterranean. Another reason for Paris and Helen's wanderings was that they were a little reluctant to return to Troy because they feared being persecuted or cast out for so egregiously violating the laws of hospitality. But eventually they could put off the journey back to the Troad no longer. Setting sail from Cyprus the Trojan fleet sailed homeward.
Because they had taken such a long time to return home the Achæan ambassadors had already told the Trojan people about the results of Paris' expedition and how it was likely to bring war and destruction to their shores. Thus it was that Paris returned home to a hostile public opinion badly in need of some spin control.
Sensing the seething anger of the populace as they made their way through the streets of Troy, Paris' lieutenants advised him to lay low and not call attention to the problems he had brought upon their people. With any luck the Achæan army would fall apart before it reached their shores and make this whole incident a non-issue. While this was a tempting option, Paris knew that following this advice would almost certainly result in Helen being returned to her husband. Therefore he made a great show of the wealth he had gathered on his expedition, giving away much of it to his brothers and other prominent Trojan warriors. These virile young warriors were also impressed by the lovely and exotic handmaidens Helen had brought with her from Sparta and were won over by Alexandros' talk of not letting the Achæans push them around. The sentiment of the Trojan court was thus swayed against returning Helen to Menelaos.
Before making a final decision on the matter, Priam had his wife Hekabe speak with Helen in the women's quarters to determine if Helen was indeed there willingly or if Paris had carried her off by force. Hekabe broached the matter gently, asking how Helen came to be with her son. Knowing where this was leading, Helen assured Hekabe that she had come with Paris because she was truly in love with him. Furthermore, if she were returned to her husband she could expect nothing better than a quick death and eternal shame. After saying this, Helen broke down into a sobbing mass of tears and misery. It was one of her best performances, and Hekabe assured her that the Trojans would do their utmost to protect her from Menelaos. Thus was Helen accepted into Troy and the fate of the city sealed.