Of course this means that for many of our subscribers, English
 is not their first language. So, in celebration of the
 complexities of the English language, we bring you the
 following:

 Lets face it
 English is a stupid language.
 There is no egg in the eggplant
 No ham in the hamburger
 And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
 English muffins were not invented in England
 French fries were not invented in France.

 We sometimes take English for granted
 But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
 Quicksand takes you down slowly
 Boxing rings are square
 And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
 If the plural of tooth is teeth
 Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
 If the teacher taught,
 Why didn't the preacher praught.

 If a vegetarian eats vegetables
 What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
 Why do people recite at a play
 Yet play at a recital?
 Park on driveways and
 Drive on parkways
 How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
 And as cold as hell on another

 You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
 Of a language where a house can burn up as
 It burns down
 And in which you fill in a form
 By filling it out
 And a bell is only heard once it goes!

 English was invented by people, not computers
 And it reflects the creativity of the human race
 (Which of course isn't a race at all)

 That is why
 When the stars are out they are visible
 But when the lights are out they are invisible
 And why it is that when I wind up my watch
 It starts
 But when I wind up this poem
 It ends.

 -------------
 J. Phillips

 The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept
 this, demands a second opinion.

 The vet goes into the back room and comes out with
 a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.
 The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
 and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet
 and meows.  The vet looks at the man and says,

 "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

 The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
 The vet brings in a black labrador.  The lab sniffs the
 body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the
 vet and barks.  The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm
 sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

 The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the
 vet and asks how much he owes.

 The vet answers, "$650.

 "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....

 "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you
 $50 for my initial diagnosis.  The additional $600 was
 for the cat scan and lab tests."

 ----------------------
 author unknown

2. Say, "Uh Oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily 
function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!  My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that colour before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet.  Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus.  Reminds me of humus."

10. (This one is intended for boys)  Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew.  Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa!  Easy, boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting...more floaters than sinkers."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbour.  Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!  Don't fall asleep on me!"

14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn.  Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.  Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.  Now what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you  unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

---------------------
author unknown

 A genie popped out of the lamp and said, "You have
 three wishes. I will grant whatever you wish for, 
 but remember, every politician in the world gets 
 twice as much as you wish for, so be careful what 
 you wish for."

 The man said, "that's easy! I want a million dollars."

 A big pile of cash appeared in front of him. "Now, 
 each politician has two million.

  The man said, "never mind! I am happy as long as I 
 have my million. Now, I want a Mercedes."

 A red Mercedes appeared in front of him and the genie 
 said, "Now, each politician has two of these."

 The man was happier than ever. He thought about his 
 last wish, and said, "You know, I have always wanted 
 to donate a kidney..."

 ------------
 by Kevin

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their 
perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed 
someone at the side of the road in distress.  Being the perfect couple, 
they stopped to help.  There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of 
toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, 
the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon 
they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect 
couple and Santa Claus had an accident.  Only one of them survived the 
accident.

Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer.)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The perfect woman.  She's the only one who really existed in the first 
place.  Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such 
thing as a perfect man.

Women, end e-mail here.  Men, keep scrolling.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman 
must have been driving.  This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading
this, this brings up another point: women never listen either.

---------------------
author unknown