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For the week starting: Sunday 11th April
An interesting chart this week, not in the sense of a lot of interesting records, but because it hosts the latest soap-actress-turned-pop-tart entry. Unsurprisingly, common-man's favourite, Martine McCutcheon went in at No. 1 with Perfect Moment. The song itself is a pretty standard affair eerily reminiscent of something you'd here in a second rate club. Unfortunately she's obviously hired a persuasive PR agent as her annoying face hasn't been off our screens in weeks. What's her name? Carol Vorderman?
The only good thing to come from the new No. 1 is that Flat Eric is off the top spot. Frankly, just because it's in a Levi ad and features a Sesame Street reject doesn't make the bass drum loop of a Casio personal organ good.
Dropping down a bit to six gives us a reason for suicide: Witch Doctor by Cartoons. They must be joking, trying to pass off a kids TV theme tune as cutting edge rock simply because they've made up they're own genre, technobilly, is insulting the intelligence of even the most inbred Spice Girls fan.
At 10 and 11 we have two new entries, both equally annoying, both featuring rappers and R'n'B singers and both contain the most inane lyrics in the world... ever! If I hear that 'What's up Girlfriend?' crap ever again I may be forced to take my own life or at least seek some sort of counselling.
Dropping two places to twelve is the Vengaboys. Why? Why do people continue to buy this pathetic primary school nonsense? It just gets in your head and stays there, slowly burrowing into your brain until you die.
At 23 is Des'ree. What she's doing there is anyone's guess. The record is on it's third release this decade and still people are buying it. And she got a Brit award! She's only got two songs, and they were both shit.
Next week we reveal what those music reviews really mean, so if you've ever wanted to
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