|
The government, today, announced their new legislation to further the nationalisation of Scotland.
Scottish Secretary, Donald Dewer, said of the new scheme, 'I fully support Tony Blair,' though his voice sounded strangely distorted.
Rent Boys
Other MPs were more helpful, Peter Mandelson; 'Once the parliament is set-up we will begin plans to de-evolve the population of Scotland. It's a great opportunity to test new technologies as the region won't put as large a strain on the system as other areas might. This is because the majority if Scots already are slightly stupid.' The plans, code-named 'Cheap', will only come into effect if the Bill is passed through the House.
City Boys
Analysts aren't predicting any foreseeable problems. The Society's Kenwali Hepatitis, a political commentator, comments. 'The recent measures brought in by the Labour party should secure against any losses because all party offices are fitted with 1984-esque viewscreens that will be used to spy on people. As a precaution against occasions, such as the Scottish issue, all of these have been fitted with illegal 9mm Uzi's.' This view, though certainly credible and believable, is probably wrong. Members of the Society's Contradiction Department have issued a statement categorically condemning the Labour Party, "Much as we hate to promote distrust in the government and undermine the morale of the public, we feel compelled to point out that Tony Blair is a tosser."
New Boys
The actual details of the scheme are yet to be finalised though we have stolen an internal memo that gives us a few clues. "To: Tone. From: Mandy. We begin deconstructing the Scottish infrastructure on Tuesday, i.e. we blow the whole damn place down. BOOM! It'll be great. Hey, I was thinking, we could video it and send it in to that beardy twat on ITV? Anyway, we anticipate the continued support of the House. See you at The King's Curly Beard." After detailed analysis, we have determined that all urbanised areas in Scotland will be destroyed in an orgy of Semtex and rioting.
Opposition to the scheme will come from the usual corners, such as Greenpeace and other envirotossers. Frankly, we don't know why they bother. As soon as they enter debating halls lunch gets called and everyone legs it outside. You'd think they'd get the message. Bloody hippies. Other, more respectable, human doormats will have a tough job getting any kind of message across to anyone because no one will care. Still, no change there then.
The government is likely to gain support from the business community; they have expressed an interest in converting Scotland into a giant waste processing plant. Cynical observers have said that there won't be much investment needed there, but then they always do, don't they?
More complaints have come from less likely sources. I forget their names for the moment.
Wide Boys
Some more productive uses for Scotland have been postulated by various government focus groups, these include The Hippy Graveyard™, landscaping it into a huge Sainsbury's plastic bag and turning it into the world's biggest baked bean plant.
|
|
