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Over the last few months the Church of England, that perennial symbol of stiff-upper England, has been instituting a series of radical new schemes to modernise itself.
One of the more controversial elements is the introduction of a slogan. This was selected to represent all the different parts of the Church, so 'God rocks!' was finally settled upon. This, allegedly, symbolises the new affinity with young people and their death metal rock culture, and the Biblical tradition of stoning sinners to death.
Kinky
Expect to see your local parish priest in a new ensemble, designed by top fashion label, TossKnobs™. The uniform consists of a studded white leather dog-collar, a high cut black leather jerkin and PVC trousers. This new design has been welcomed by the majority. "I think it really has something going for it. I'll be needing some new trousers soon anyway. My old ones are beginning to chaff."
Abridged
Ministers will be now obliged to conduct their sermons using 'street talk' and give references to the Hip Bible, an updated version of the good book. Among the additions are the fifth Gospel of M.C. Bastard, an obscenities laced account of Christ's life, focusing on the more deviant aspects of his journey such as the Parable of the Slut with Syphilis.
One of the books deemed 'crusty' are the Book of Genesis because of the inevitable comparison with the ageing pop group. This will be replaced with a small section written by a primary school sex education teacher. One choice cut includes "then Mrs. Eve saw a nice furry rabbit who told her that there was a special offer on Granny Smiths at ASDA. The naughty rabbit had told a little white lie. They were actual apples of knowledge and bad for you. French gut-rot, you see."
When asked if this really was helpful to young people one minister helpfully replied "no, frankly."
Gospel Swingers
One of the more popular ideas will be the new hymn book, The Very New Updated New English Hymnal, which will replace The New Updated New English Hymnal. This will replace classic songs such as 'Jerusalem', 'Morning Has Broken' and 'In The Bleak Mid-Winter' with adapted 'yoof' songs, including 'Bitchin' Mothermary', 'Coffee Jar Bomber' and 'He Was Knee Capped By A Cross IRA Man.'
Some signals that the new tactic of merging youth culture with adult style religion is working are available in South Kensington where, at St. Mary's, young people have been treated to rave sermons and crash-out zones during communion. This may just be a by-product of their upper-class lifestyle, or it may not. Whatever, local vicar, Rev. John Johnjohnson, was pleased to see Christian graffiti on his church wall. "When I saw it I was delighted. It shows that the boys and girls have absorbed the word of the Lord. I am pleased." Apparently the fact that they may just have been taking the piss has never occurred to him.
Father Johnjohnson is just one of many 'hip' new priests. Rev. Martin MacGooniganny was exuberant in his praise for the Church high Command. "They fucking don't know what the fuck they're doin' man. They fink they're well cool, but they aren't, yeah?"
Dystopian Society, while sitting on the religious fence, believes that the problems go far deeper than people think. Too deep for any kind of further investigation.
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