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In an effort to combat the bad publicity that has plagued the New Labour bandwagon since its return from a seven month Barbados cruise, Tony Blair has asked his Education Minister David Blunkett to 'revolutionise' the National Curriculum.
In the weeks running upto last night's announcement Mr Blunkett played down rumours of a radical shake up, but, in hindsight, his actions can only be described as dishonest, and we draw no pleasure from saying this, he is a liar. The reasons for this, some would say blasphemous, outcry is that the new curriculum goes against the very basis of learning laid down a long time ago by bearded Greeks in togas.
One Pupil, One Vote
The most surprising aspect is the introduction of democratic learning. The class, or 'constituency', will contain 'constituents' who receive the right to vote after 18 months residence in the school. The votes will be used for referendums on school funding and building projects and also the times at which lessons should finish. For example, if a constituent decides he/she would like to end the lesson they call a vote and, if he/she has a majority, the lesson ends and they reconvene three months later.
The voting system will really come into its own during actual teaching lessons. The teacher will still ask questions in the traditional, or 'Classic™', manner but instead of a single voter answering a form is distributed with three answers on it. One from the Right wing, one from the Wrong wing and one from the middle. The Right wing answers are those which were, originally, correct, while the Wrong wing are the opposite. The other answer is just a joke to distract people who aren't paying attention. The constituents then cast their vote and the highest scoring wins, and this is then the 'Cool' answer.
Obsolete
At exam time the marks of each person is voted on by his/her fellow voters. This would mean an end to the times when the geeky spectacle boy with acne and a chip-fat hairdo always comes top. Other voters, who instinctively loath him, will vote him bottom and the popular people top. It is in this way that David (or one of his advisers) has cleverly married popularity with intelligence. That's something we've not seen before.
Previously an intelligent person would succeed in exams and school through dedication and hard work. This kind of person had no friends, though the jury's still out on whether this was due to fear of catching a disease or just plan dullness on the nerd's part. The new scheme will see these 'Losers in Life' fail and as such encourage them to be likeable and clean. This would then increase the mean level of 'kewlness' in Britain and would bring Big T's dream of Cool Britannia that little bit nearer.
Rebel Without A Class
Of course there will be some people who just have to rebel, there will be those who read books with small words or no pictures. This is being combated by the new Book Task Force which is lead by a Word Czar, Julian Chulmney-Smyth. There will be a London Book Fire on August 3rd during which a Nazi style burning of all the books in London will be set against a background of love across the classes.
These are not the only changes to be made. The school hierarchy system will be radically altered to accommodate the new constituency leaders, the Classic™) school leaders and members of local Government. An oligarchy will be formed creating a three-pointed 'Star of Power', with a representative from each area on every point.
IT systems will be reconstructed to facilitate the teaching of Advanced Hacking GCSE, skills which will benefit many constituents in the future. The course will involve 'elementary pizza eating', 'playing games in your underwear' and 'high caffeine drinks: A beginners guide'.
Other areas to receive a revamp will be the antiquated school dinners system. These are served by old, decrepit, and often deformed, people. The quality is often well below that found in modern prisons and can cause serious side-effects such a headaches, blindness and impotence. Also, a crack team of interior decorators have been drafted in from popular TV shows 'Changing Rooms' and 'Real Rooms'. They will create a design scheme for all schools and implement it in just two days.
Retro-Hectic
Whatever the state of education in our times may be, it will always be irrelevant. However hard David Blunkett tries he can never make school 'cool' or 'fun'. After a few years of the new changes pupils will become disillusioned and call for change. Perhaps even to schools with proper lessons and timetables.
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