|
Hello there! As the priest of a local parish in the home counties, I am often disheartened to see that the number of people in modern Britain who take a serious interest in religion is on the decline. In fact, I often get so distressed that I spend whole weekends sobbing and screaming and throwing things at my wife.
Well, this month I decided to do something about it. In this concise yet ( I flatter myself ) comprehensive feature, I am providing you - the reader - with the chance to acquaint yourself with the multitudinous religions of our wonderful world. I have tried not to let my position as a Catholic priest bias my report, so as to let people judge for themselves and freely choose which to follow as the real religion. Which I happen to know is Catholicism ( in an alleged and non-biased way ).
BUDDHISM
If you are seeking religion, then you are seeking enlightenment and a better understanding of - nay, faith in - the way the world works. This is all good and healthy. There are some of us in this wide old world who believe enlightenment comes through wearing orange robes, sitting cross-legged up a mountain and questioning the existence of everything around them, and not stepping on ants in case they're your grandfather. Well, this is all well and good, if you seriously think that claiming insects as close relatives and giving yourself piles all the time will somehow reveal the secrets of the universe. But hey, it's your choice. Buddhists also reckon that, if you're bad in this life, you are reincarnated as a lower class or species. That, I admit, is a perfectly valid and acceptable way for the universe to function on the face of it - but look closely and you'll notice it's a load of bollocks.
ISLAM
Like so many modern religions, the Islam faith, however pure and reasonable its origins may have been, has - most regrettably - devolved into some bizarre paramilitary organisation and spawned a vulgar amount of violence and evil. The Islam faith may not be intrinsically wrong per se, but I think we can all agree that anything that encourages grade-A fruitloops like Saddam Hussein to grab a missile and wave it threateningly at people should be dismissed as anarchic spiritual poison. Come to think of it, any faith that had a smattering of morality in it in the first place wouldn't have led to a nation of overly-bearded terrorists with an oil fixation, so we can easily deduce that Islam is a load of hostile shit and the work of the devil. Not necessarily the Catholic devil though. No faith worth its salt is so easily corrupted into widespread oppression and terror.
[At this point the editors emphatically do not mention the Crusades, or the Spanish Inquisition, or the conquest of South America.]
PROTESTANTISM
Here we have an interesting conundrum, or as we call it in Vatican City, 'a case of simply being quite, quite wrong'. Protestant Christians ( actually, let's just call them "items" ) base their faith upon both Testaments of the Bible - a thoroughly reputable and trustworthy tome. However, they claim that it tells us that God will not punish us if we work hard enough. I'm sorry, but did Jesus actually say that? Did he? No, he didn't, did he, he never said that, he never bloody did. Where was this? The Book of Made-Up Bollocks, chapter 567 verse 90046? "And Jesus did say unto the crowd gathered by the lake of Galilee, 'You know, God won't punish you if you work hard enough' "? Personally I think that if someone wants to found a religion on a book they should at least read it first. If God punishes you, you deserve it, you arsehole. God, some people really get up my nose.
HINDUISM
Again, I feel that some modern religions become unhealthily obsessed with philosophy and start asking all sorts of awkward questions, like "why did God allow evil to happen?" which are just asking for a smack in the face from God, really. Hinduism appears to be another of these, apparently centring around the idea that our lives are one big deja vu experience. Again, as ideas go it's not too bad but it is nevertheless wrong, wrong, wrong. I mean, if you believe that, I suppose you'll agree that the universe is run by some multi-limbed elephant-headed guy. Honestly, I look at some of these so-called 'religions' and I wonder how people can even listen to their priests without pissing themselves, let alone devoting their lives to this utter garbage. In my opinion being let out of the British Empire was the worst thing ever to happen to some nations. An elephant-headed god - I ask you!
JUDAISM
I'm sorry, but I'm really going to have to vent my spleen on this one. It's all very well trying to remain objective but some people just ask for it. Judaism seems to believe that Jesus was not the Messiah and therefore deny the teaching of the New Testament to their kin. All I can say to this laughable concept is - read the bloody Bible. OK, so the Protestants misread the damn thing but at least they didn't give up halfway through. That's what I call sheer laziness. Either that or, as some notable and righteously Catholic thinkers have speculated, Judaists have something to hide. I can see it now - like some sadistic, totalitarian fringe political party, they try to oppress the free expression of honest hard-working people by obliterating the New Testament from public view, fearing lest its words of wisdom and truth should uncover their nefarious purpose. It's worth considering.
CATHOLICISM
Once more the Good Book is taken as a basis for a system of faith, only this time the founders of the religion actually bothered to read it properly and didn't chuck half of it in the bin upon purchase. Catholicism tells us that, if we are punished by God, then we must have sinned and thus deserved it. Which, if we're all honest with ourselves, is quite likely. I mean, come on - if you step onto the street and get run over, you know what you've done wrong - don't bother lying to yourself. Plus, I would just like to draw to your attention, the Papal system was actually set up by Jesus himself so there must be something to it, hmmm? Think about it. Plus no stupid questions to bother yourself with - as it says in the Book of Job ( new Texan edition ), " 'Look, I'm God, I am! Don't you bloody question me, you jumped up little dick!' ". I think there's a lesson there for all of us - i.e. Catholicism is RIGHT.
SOME OTHER RELIGIONS WHICH CAN BE EASILY DISMISSED
Zen: A load of stupid tossers asking why they can't hear a tree falling over if they're a million miles away from it. What's the point?
Confucianism: The sort of pseudo-philosophical garbage that wouldn't even exist if it weren't for the Karate Kid movies. Ignore.
Taoism: Don't know much about this one. Don't think I'll bother either.
Mormon: Living proof that TV is the work of the ( generic ) devil. Ignore.
New Age: Yes, that's right, everyone - sitting under a paper pyramid and drinking herbal tea is the road to spiritual fulfilment. Arseholes.
Rastafarianism: No, sorry. This isn't even a religion, just an excuse for getting toked up. Bloody students - get a proper faith.
Well, I hope that's given everyone a helpful start on the road to enlightenment and fulfilment and, if you have any sense, Catholicism. If none of the above religions appeal to you ( which most of them shouldn't, really ) then remember, for a pseudo-religious experience which requires little commitment and often involves lots of sex there are plenty of cults for young, energetic souls such as yourselves to be brainwashed by. Estiny is quite popular, I hear. If, on the other hand, you want to be smug in the knowledge that you are right, then phone the Roman Catholic Church on 0181 121212 and ask to speak to God. So long!
|
|
