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In a statement, issued yesterday, the Cabinet announced that it was looking for buyers for the House of Commons.
The months of deliberation and confusion which have seen leaked memos and bugged phone calls, and we, at the Society, aren't too surprised.
Cardiovascular
There have been various low profile talks recently, culminating in a short list of corporations. The top three are ICI, Kellogg's and Microsoft. The British company Rail Track has also expressed an interest. Critics were quick to dismiss all four. Hans Von Klimaxxxx said of ICI, "The company is notorious for shifting bases of operation around the world. How long before we see the House of Commons in Guam?' Though when someone pointed out that he was German and shouldn't really care he muttered something about Federal Europe and left.
Kellogg's were rejected too for their links to the American White Supremacist group, the KKK. "Everyone in the States knows that their claim about not making cereals for anyone else is a racist slur," said Equal Rights campaigner Julian Chulmney-Smyth. Microsoft were also put down because they may try and integrate the Commons into Windows 98. TV commentator, Patrick Jingo, said of Rail track "Motions are already long delayed, without interference by tossy executives."
Kohl Britannia
Tony Blair said last night that the idea 'wasn't really his' though not many are, and 'he must credit Helmut Kohl who came up with it over a boozy game of poker with three hookers in Hamburg.'
The German Chancellor has acknowledged Tony's statement but declined to admit whether he was actually in the Red Light District or not.
Not phased by Ol' Tone's brown-nosing, the Society have discovered the real inspiration for the scheme. In Sweden, in 1981, soon after the constitutional reforms, the parliament was sold off to Danish porn king Kristian Whålley-Dønutt. After this he declared that all members must expose their members, which is why you won't see Swedish Prime Minister's question time before nine o'clock. Not that you'd want to.
Whoever's idea it was, or who will actually make the purchase, is not so important when compared to the issue of what reforms will be made. One professional speculator has hinted that the number of seats will be reduced to three, all to be permanent and hereditary. Tony Blair will take one, Cherie will take another and Socks the Cat will sit in the third. The remainder will be sold in a Church Jumble sale next Easter.
But Officially…
The short-listed companies have issued statements saying what they would do if selected. Most were to mundane to deal with here, but Microsoft did hint at unisex loos on floors one and three, though might just be desperate attempts to add legacy architecture problems for the future.
Kellogg's said it would be introducing a compulsory fitness routine which involves eating lots of Kellogg's cereals. Members are expected to oppose this, dissenters will be lead by Nicholas 'Fatty' Soames.
Disgusting
Although all the options seem appalling one man did suggest the people all put a few quid in to keep it owned by the public but someone shot him so he was soon ignored.
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