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By Our Correspondent Sir Jeffery Kingsley-March

Observers were shocked yesterday when the jury announced their verdict on an assault case brought to court by 35-year-old Michael Collins.
Collins was prosecuting 28-year-old Alan Wetherby for assaulting him on the morning of April 3rd.  Wetherby, whose entire defence amounted to "I'm pretty sure I didn't do it, maybe" was officially reported to be "stunned" when the jury not only found him 'not guilty' but also found Collins guilty of the manslaughter of Alan Wetherby.  Judge Haywards did not hesitate to hand out the maximum sentence.  Some spectators wryly commented that this case was typical of the declining standard of the British Law, others just stroked their chins and nodded knowingly.

Scandal
Almost everybody I know agrees that the Collins/Wetherby case is just one among thousands of examples of the scandal in our courtrooms today.  Reliable statistics, confirmed by leading professionals, show that on the streets 5% of the truth is false - in courtrooms this rises to an alarming 20%.  Even the most trusted and respectable lawyers are now unashamedly scorning the very basics of the legal system.  In his recent defence of Illinois Basted Poultry in their copyright battle against KFC, Dr. James Hertwing, Solicitor and doctor of socio-economic studies, attempted to prove that two wrongs actually do make a right.  Hertwing claimed: "Violence must be countered with Violence.  It is the only fair way.  If someone hits me, I, in order to achieve real justice for the offence, must hit someone else."  Hertwing also tried to persuade the court that three wrongs squared plus half a right make a left, shortly after which he lost the case.

Outdated
It is easy to see how this abuse of the law has spread onto the streets, with crime rife in most towns and the police doing nothing, if not less, to stop it.  Some counties have sought to solve the problem by reverting to 12th century laws as used in medieval fiefdoms as a substitute for today's law.  In the town of Wainscoting in the south of Kent they have replaced what they consider the 'outdated system' of fines and community service with the Trial by Ordeal.  A person suspected of reckless driving would have to place his hands in boiling water for a minute and leave them untreated for three days, after which, if the scars have not healed, he is found guilty and thrown into a pond.  This method is having a surprising success - only two people in Wainscoting now own a car.

Disregard
However, some would say that this distrust and mocking of our country's legal system, both in and outside the courtroom, is all the fault of own government's disregard of the British law, and we're not talking about petty stuff like sleaze allegations and cash-for-questions.  The government has abandoned the law to the point of selling the Old Bailey to planning developers to pay off some of the budget.  Rumours have it that the Old Bailey will be levelled in the autumn and be replaced with a branch of Selfridges's.  As if that weren't enough, to raise more funds, they're also selling bits of the law to the highest bidder.  Mr. and Mrs. Mansfield are now proud owners of the law regarding the treatment of livestock in farms, and intend to change it to something even more hideous because it makes and interesting conversation piece.
The government defends these allegation, claiming it has made steps towards the preservation of the law.  Not keen to solve violence with violence the government has come up with the notion of Capital Warning, by which first-time offenders and minor law breakers are instructed very fiercely indeed not to do it again, without actually threatening them.  There is also evidence of the Zero Tolerance policy in action - in Swindon, for example.  Two old woman were arrested for crossing the road too slowly.  A teenage boy was taken in off the streets on a charge of 'skulking with intent to loiter', and a man about to buy a car was fined for reckless driving and had his licence revoked.  Other parties see this as pussy-footing around the issue and declare that they will take tougher action - the Liberal Democrats promising to take a bit out of crime by legalising bounty hunting.

However
The issue of British law is currently very controversial, with opinions divided and matters unresolved, but however you look at it one thing is for certain - as Britain goes into the new millennium, it's probably forgotten to lock the door  and is being burgled this very minute.

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