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Most people, when pressed for a stereotype, would describe a Jew as a money grabbing, fat-lipped, greasy bastard. Well, sadly, we can't do anything about appearances but we can change the philosophies that drive our religion. In 1983 Moishe Cohen founded the Zen Jews and brought about the existence of a new, caring, Jew. He wrote a new doctrine, The Scriptures II, in which he outlined his plans. In this article we will investigate these further.
Cohen realised a major fault in Judaism was the lack of a commercial festival such as Christmas so he addressed this by inventing ElijahDay™ which falls on June 21st. On this day the parents (or legal guardians) of children give them presents such as All-American Action Hero or Plastic Girlie. This went some way to reducing dissatisfaction with Judaism with the younger folk.
Lesser Souls
Other religions, such as The Church of England, tend not to be spread out. The world has plenty of Jews but they're all far apart. To counter this one of the major features of The Scriptures II was that, for 23 hours a day, you should sit very still and not do anything. This may come as surprise to many but a study by some of Israel's leading scientists shows that most energy is lost by moving around. Our government is always telling us to cut down on the wasting of energy and what better way to do this than not moving.
Bad Old Ways
One of the most public aspects of the 'old' ways was the Bar Mitzvah. We have taken this defining point in a boys life and 'hi-jacked' it to suit our own purposes, it's now called Bar Missedthat. When a boy reaches thirteen he is given a medal and a copy of Razzle. These are highly symbolic items. The medal represents the material world and is burnt in a minimalist ceremony during the Bar Missedthat. The porn magazine is used as a test of his devotion. It is placed in a black box in front of his meditation for three months after he receives it. The idea is that he is resisting the worldly temptations. Should he fail it won't just be the egg of shame on his face.
Conscription
Though, by nature, the Internet is international Zen Judaism is only open to Israeli citizens. You can, however, get an quick citizenship if you bring at least twenty automated weapons with you. The more you bring the faster you'll get in. This offer only lasts until October 1998, so for more details talk to your local ambassador.
If you are an Israeli and are interested in this up and coming religion then you'll have to sit tight for the time being as we're all currently busy. Sitting still.
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