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There are times when I am hurt by the callous nature of my fellow hacks. Now is one such occasion, on the six month anniversary of Princess Di's death. In her memory I have named this the Tortured Metal Anniversary.
Every day, as I walk to work, I see rows of so called souvenirs littering the markets. I find myself compelled to buy as much of it as I can, just to stop it falling into your precious, little hands.
I believe that it is about time to stop playing games and ban these sales now. The first step is yours! Stop buying this worthless junk and invest in something useful, like my new book, (£9.99 - Penguin).
Many people have tried to honour her memory by releasing commemorative versions of their worst selling products, just to boost sales. This is, at best, business suicide, as associating yourself with the Princess, the dear, sweet Princess, by using dodgy goods will just get the moral brigade outside your warehouse with torches and pitchforks screaming for you to 'bring out the monster'. Believe me, it does happen. I know from personal experience. Obviously I wasn't cheapening the Cherub's memory but had merely released a small percentage of 'erotic' screensavers with that angelic head in the corner. Nothing that wouldn't be endorsed by Bucky Palace if I asked them. Which I haven't.
Paraplegic Nightmare
The most disgusting people I know of are those brain dead imbeciles on the board of her Trust (with the exception of my good friend, Julian Chulmney-Smyth). They wouldn't know a good cause if they were surrounded by limbless landmine victims. You know, the ones with no arms or legs.
But all this pales into a small, congealing puddle of blood when compared to the distraught father, Mohammed Al-Fayed. He is so wracked with misery from the loss of his own son and one who was close to him that he has begun to fabricate lies so disturbing and depraved that, frankly, he should be locked up. Chief among his falsehoods are those which detail the various conspiracy theories (see box-out).
Such accusations are cheapening the memory of our beloved Princess. For starters they lack any kind of imagination. But I wish to leave this subject now, it is too distressing, even for a hardened veteran like myself.
Mentally Deficient
Finally, I offer my support to those of you in need, or feel upset by this tragic loss. I have organised a series of videos on how to cope with the death of a public figure whom you have never met, which are available for about a fiver each. You can also speak to trained (ish) counsellors, who can offer some advice*.
If you are having/have had recurring or one off dreams about Diana then get in contact with me now and you could feature on an exploitative TV documentary.
Thanks for reading.
*Some conversations may be recorded.
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