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Scots on 'war footing' since 1939

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By Our Correspondent MG Fairyliquid

Previously it was thought that the record for being behind the times was held by two small pacific islands who were fighting World War II up until the Sixties.
Today, in a further blow to anti-civilisation campaigners in Scotland, it can be revealed exclusively by the Society that Tusbeth, a remote Scottish Village east of Ayr, was in fact never informed of the end of World War II, due to a 'simple geographical error', and refused to believe us when we told them it was over.

Churchill's Wonderboys
The problem was first highlighted in 1993 when two German tourists, a Mr. Waigel and his wife, drove into Tusbeth by mistake and, noticing that all the signposts had been blacked out, asked in the local post office for directions to the Lake District.
With cries of 'Hang the Kraut!' and 'We'll be in Berlin by Christmas!', the two unfortunate tourists were forced into the town square, where Mr. Waigel was shot dead and his wife imprisoned in the police station where she remains to this day.  Searches for the Waigels proved fruitless - due to an Ordnance Survey error, the town was never included on any maps, and, being German, they were forgotten about anyway.
Indeed, Tusbeth was not found again until the residents opened fire on a parachutist discovered drifting over the town earlier this year.  Resulting media interest produced interviews with local residents which painted a bleak, if amusing, picture of the town.
'Och, it's been hard over the years,' one pensioner remembers.  'I'm one of the ones who can still remember when war was declared.  Seems to have dragged on a bit.  I'm sure that nice Mr. Churchill is doing his best.'

Ration Fashions

The villagers, having lived on strict wartime rations and existed without television or cars for sixty years, seem used to their regime; they venture out as little as possible throughout the day to minimise risk of enemy attack, and anyone attempting to leave the village is classed as a traitor and shot.  News on the radio is dismissed as Nazi propaganda, and the fields around Tusbeth are filled with landmines and flare traps.  The Woolworth's store still sells knitting needles and faded copies of
World of Wonder, whilst the residents list Doris Day and Glen Miller as their favourite musicians. the resemblance to the rest of (non-wartorn) Scotland is... uncanny.
When questioned about Tusbeth last night, the local council admitted they had known about the place for years but preferred 'to let sleeping dogs lie.  After all,' a spokesman remarked, 'as long as they don't know the war's over we can get away with spending no money on the place and just dropping in food parcels every six months.  And they might be a bit upset if we told them the truth.' 
Dystopian Society agrees.
Any German tourists are advised to avoid the area.

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