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Already devastated by the BSE scandal, the general public was devastated even further by the news last night that one of the USA's leading orange producers, a Mr. Tinypumpkin of New England, had warned people to be on the lookout for 'any obvious signs of life' in their produce.
These signs would include: 'legs, arms, little faces, any attempt to strike up a conversation, or evidence of a digestive or respiratory system once you've peeled them.' Mr. Tinypumpkin told a shocked press conference yesterday evening. 'In the case of my wife, these signs might also include a black leather handbag or false nails. Obviously we are treating the whole thing very seriously. If the public does find any of these 'unusual' oranges, give them something to eat and call us right away. Please remember the future of my family is at stake here.'
They Came And Got Eaten By Us
His comments followed the experience of Jay Bookbound, 39, a retired council executive from Lewes. Visibly shaken, Mr. Bookbound recalled how he had 'looked forward all day' to one of his favourite New England Oranges, only to hear a 'bellow of rage' as he bit into it, finding a small pair of leather sandals stuck behind his back teeth. Too distressed even to finish his meal, he threw the top half of the orange into the bin, only to have it 'beat against the sides' and 'emit muffled screams' for several days until the dust-men came to take it away.
Speaking earlier, Mr. Tinypumpkin had told Dystopian Society of the moment he first became aware of this tragedy. 'My whole family are magic oranges,' he revealed, 'and we first travelled over to America in the late 1850's and colonised here.
Raging Citrus Fruit
Our family business is orange-making; we make the segments out of very thin cloth sewn together by hand, then fill them with orange-juice and arrange them into a circle. Finally, we collect orange-skin-peelings from the back of local grocery stores and sellotape everything together. Then we put all the oranges in crates, nail the lids down and send them off to the shops. That must be how the accident occurred. You see, we recently saved up our supermarket coupons and bought a special machine with a big arm to lift the oranges into the crates. We thought it would make life so much easier. My family must have forgotten they were oranges, walked too close to the machine, and been', he sobbed, 'packaged.'
Risky Business
Our heart goes out to Mr. Tinypumpkin, but experts remain unconvinced. 'The public risk' one remarked, 'remains small. Especially if you eat them quickly. In fact, if you like your oranges freshly squeezed or blended I wouldn't even bother reading this article. Besides, magic oranges seem to taste much better than standard ones. Much more juicy.'
Mr Tinypumpkin has been warned.
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