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The fictitious character Ronald McDonald, for so long a symbol of the public's trust in the quality, speed of service and intelligent advertising of his restaurants, was carried off in chains last night with a question-mark hanging over his empire, after a phoned tip-off had led police to raid the South Croydon McDonald's branch.
There they found a scene so diabolical in its planning, so macabre in its systematic execution, that even the normally hardened DS reporting team had to have a quick sit-down and group hug before we drove home again.
Depraved
As the Croydon Police Commissioner Arthur Pendragon was later to tell a shocked public: 'the burger store looked normal when we entered... But we knew there had to be some truth in the story; sure enough, our SWAT team found a small switch inside one of the bins that slid away a large section of the floor.' Choking back the tears, he continued: 'Inside, we found what could only be described as a 'medium-sized human genetic research centre', full of embryos in tubes of pale liquid, small groups of young employees chained to stakes and screaming, and hamburgers with human heads transplanted onto them.
'Ignoring the screams for help, we proceeded into the 'Testing' area, where a seven-fingered employee was operating the tills at lightning speed, ugly female attendants were reeling off hundreds-long lists of orders, and one seven-year-old child was actually crawling amongst piles of crisp packets with a dustpan and brush built into his chest. It was then that we decided that McDonald's genetic operations would just have to be closed down. Some of us wanted to cordon off the area, and let the kids go home, but the SWAT guys thought it'd be safer to do what Ripley does in Alien: Resurrection, so we brought a flame-thrower down and roasted every goddamn thing in the building. Except the bloke with seven fingers, who we kept for typing up reports. Come to think of it, we should've kept the one with the dustpan and brush, too.'
Senior McDonald's executives reacted angrily to these accusations last night. 'How dare they criticise our methods?' demanded Larry Mediømfries, CEO of the company's Swedish division. 'I myself was raised in a glass vat somewhere under a McDonald's in Birmingham, and enjoyed the experience immensely. All of our creations are tested thoroughly before being allowed to work above ground, and all conform to EU food hygiene standards. In fact, they are modified to enjoy the conditions they work in: e.g. car park attendants are bathed in infra-red beams for the first months of pregnancy, and develop an inordinate fear of the warmth. And the talking hamburger will probably feature in our next television commercial. It's amazing really: we try to employ normal human beings and the public moans they're as thick as shit; we take action to improve our service and these bloody sentimental right-wing pressure groups start up. Well, you can't have it both ways.'
Profit Drive
Although mounting criticism of these extreme 'promoting from within' methods looks likely to hit their first-quarter profits, McDonald's remains unrepentant; and researchers at Cambridge believe other large companies will soon follow suit. 'The possibilities are endless.' commented one, who asked not to be named. 'Why build a car, when you can grow someone who looks like a car and implant a steering wheel into the back of their head? Why waste time putting drinks cans together, when you can engineer small hairless mammals to grow into the approximate shape and just spray 'Coca-Cola' on their sides? McDonald's may be criticised now, but in a few years' time the time-saving potential of their work will be realised.'
He could be right. Whatever misgivings DS might have about the cost-effectiveness of such techniques; you can't stand in the way of progress.
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