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The foxhunting debate has still yet to be completely dispersed, looking to become even more long-winded and controversial than the Louise Woodward trial. Imagine that. Official talks were held the other day to try and resolve the matter.
The calm eye of this maelstrom of a dispute is over whether the sport is necessary and humane. Not so calm, but at least it doesn't wiggle about, like many of the supporters of foxhunting do if you prod them. Lord Alistair Fotherington-Carstaires, rich upper class snob and long-time persecutor of small furry things, makes no claims that the sport is kind but stresses its importance to the cycle of nature.
Culling Delights
"We are needed to keep the population of foxes in check, it is as simple as that," he stated at the debate. "If we were not allowed to hunt foxes, then there would be lots of them. Lots more of them. You see?"
But surely there is a more humane way to reduce the population?
"Well, if we didn't hunt them down with vicious hounds and shoot them, we wouldn't be satisfying our own desire to kill another living creature and we'd have to murder someone. And no-one wants that, do they?"
Most certainly not. Lord Fotherington-Carstaires also pointed out the number of people whose livelihoods depend on the sport.
"Why, if there was no more fox-hunting I'd have to fire Jenkins, the lad who keeps my gun clean, and Jasper, who holds my hat, and young Fortesque-Smythe who blows on the trumpet. You see? Massive unemployment." This is partially the fault of scientific experiments in the sixties, which kept fox-hunters in sealed bio-spheres for several months, causing them to inbreed and create a strange and over-populated tribal fraternity of jodhpur-wearing freaks. No offence.
Despite the strength of this case, the dispute was nowhere near won as the opposition came back with an equally strong pledge. Several celebrity foxes made an appearance to help endear those present to their cause and point out the benefits of the ban. These included Basil Brush, Miles 'Tails' Prower from the Sonic the Hedgehog games and Todd the Fox from Disney's The Fox and the Hound. David Duchovny, aka Fox Mulder of The X-Files also attended, although his presence was more an attempt to achieve greater press ratings than of any significance to the debate which, quite frankly, made me sick.
It's only a puppet?
Basil Brush's speech against the natural crimes of humanity was quite moving and memorable, ending as he always does with a neat little quip - "Sorry if I've sounded a little hoarse today. Yesterday I had a dog in my throat! BOOM BOOM!" Ironically enough it was that exact sound that reverberated throughout the room as an irritated foxhunter then picked Basil off with his shotgun. Basil is currently in hospital and doctors claim it is touch and go as to whether he will recover from his coma.
To add weight to their case, Greenpeace extremists have been holding several riots up and down the country on various foxhunting estates. Upper class persons have been pelted with bowls of lentil soup and reconstituted bean essence on a regular basis for the past three weeks. Several beatnik-types have tried to disrupt hunts by chaining themselves to the foxes, thus preventing the hunters from shooting the animals without also shooting the protestor. They are all in hospital. One particularly extreme extremist broke into someone's home and, in front of friends and family, skinned them alive and turned them into an attractive fashion accessory, just to prove his point, which I now can't remember.
The government is facing up to the possibility that foxhunting will have to go, which now means they have to find an alternative for both the foxes and the hunters. Because keeping the fox population in check is necessary, a humane way of achieving this is currently being sought. Hunters have suggested putting the fox in a room with a shotgun and waiting for him to do the honourable thing, but a more popular idea is the proposal of Resort du Renards, put forward by some natural law bloke. This is basically a cross between Death Row and the Ritz, for foxes. A set number of foxes are taken out of the wild and kept in a plush little room for 24 hours where they are given a last meal, last drink, last shag and generally given a good last day , before being given a lethal medical dose which goes to work in their sleep. How lovely.
Psychedelic Piss-Artist
For the hunters, post-foxhunting-ban depression is bound to set in. This purely social pestilence, the bane of many bygone societies, can result in the suicide of thousands of people who wear jodhpurs. Plans have been drawn up to try and counter this, such as the building of a theme park entitled 'CyberVermin', where the foxhunters can chase and hunt automated fox androids around a robotic complex. This also offers family fun and entertainment possibilities, but the government refuses to spend the millions of pounds it would require. Instead they decided to offer the hunters another living creature to hunt and, to avoid the complaints of animal-lovers, have decreed that this other living creature should be known felons. A legalisation of bounty hunting not only satisfies the upper class craving for blood spillage; it will also act as a preventative against crime and a national pastime. "Wizard, what?" as Lord Fotherington-Carstaires himself said.
Salvation
So, for the moment at least, it looks as if the foxhunting debate has been partially solved. Which means the government will start concentrating on more important things.
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