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Government researchers with nothing better to do have released a report that shows the average Briton's sexual maturity is dropping, the condition now being at its worst since the 'sexy sixties'.
Surveys have discovered that most people rate "dressing up in silly costumes and dousing each other in yoghurt" as an ordinary sexual experience. An obsession with sex means that even the legal system has had to invent lots of sexual crimes to keep business up. The impending crisis was noticed by the boys in white when it was revealed that Oxford University had decided to admit "phwoar" into their dictionary.
Horned Beast
But what's so bad about all that, say horny middle-aged men? According to the boffs this national sexual immaturity means too much sex, which means too many babies - the first symptom of a backward country. "Our society is devolving," says Dr Godfrey Dodgeworthy. "Within five years will be hitting each other with sticks and having concerts organised for our benefit by Bob Geldof."
It has been speculated that this 'sex-stupidity' is in fact a rebound from the prim and proper eighties. Margaret Thatcher extinguished the male Briton's sex appeal like liquid oxygen on a barbecue, forcing people who wanted to 'do it' to hide in the attic, or emigrate. Now sex is generally more acceptable the populous are taking full advantage of the situation.
Backwater Civilisation
But where does this sexual immaturity originate? TV? Films? Pornography? No, apparently. "These are all supply for the national demand of raunchiness," says Dr Dodgeworthy. "If the male Briton demands schoolgirls in bikinis, that is what he gets. At least he should. I'm still waiting." In fact the problem starts early - with sex education. The fact is that the government's approach is all wrong.
"For a start, it's always taught by young female teachers, who don't want to talk about it and so the kids' curiosity is not satisfied, or old female teachers, who are far too eager to talk about it and tell the kids how great it is to get laid twice a night. Plus the process takes so long. By the time they get round to teaching contraception half the girls in the class are already pregnant."
Truly Horrific
Absolutely. And then there are the Spice Girls. Says psychologist Dr Worpt, "Well, look at them. Advertising themselves like a meat market, provoking young men and encouraging little girls to copy them. It shouldn't be allowed. In my opinion, all women should be forced to sheathe their entire bodies and only make eye contact every seventh Sunday. Like in all those modern, developed countries."
Some experts even blame it on high levels of testosterone in Thames water areas, although an investigation discovered nothing but a spring-time graveyard for dead bucks near an intake pipe. But even if people are becoming too keen on having sex, answer me this: who's going to stop them?
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