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Officials working at Harrod's, the world famous department store, have confirmed reports that Mohammed Al-Fayed is on a diet. The Egyptian born owner of the shop has issued a statement concerning the recent development.
In it he states 'I believe that this is the right and proper treatment of this sensitive issue', he even went so far as to accuse the troubles he has been having in getting a British passport as cause for the upsets. "The stress of getting a valid passport is immense. I have been getting ulcers in my stomach. One of my, now sacked, advisers informed me that ingesting a large quantity of food 'could only make things better', he was, however, wrong. In the meantime I will have to continue using my faked passport which is available for £4.99 at all good stores."
Mid-life Crises
This single case is indicative of the many we are seeing all across the country. Middle class, middle management personnel officers (or similar) are being promoted to the Board of Directors and receive massive pay rises in return for huge responsibilities. The get changed in real 'fat' cats. Several of the large corporations with this problem have called in special 'Sensory Fatigue Consultants' to combat the situation.
These people believe that combined pressure of throwing golf matches and coming up with new and innovative ways of saying the same thing cause break downs in the immune system. Just here, unfortunately, the promising report deteriorates quickly. It says 'the body then has no protection against Britain's biggest killer, the Fat Bacteria. The little organisms live in food stuffs and when the food is eaten they all pile out and make a person fat.'
Suspicion
The Society, not liking to take things lying down, made some discrete inquiries into the business practices of the consultants and found that they were just a bunch of students with stuck-on fake beards.
This will come as little comfort to the grossly overweight Fayed as he prepares for he forthcoming UK tour. He will be visiting a large number of venues with the aim of promoting his new venture FayedWorld™. This will take the form of a large X-Files style theme park which will host all the mad and ramblings that the doddering old fool spouts out. Luckily for him many of his deranged conspiracy theories have been recorded on his in-house bugging system as he pontificates to his staff.
The park is expected to have extremely good access for disabled people because Fayed is expected to be wheelchair bound by the time it opens. Though, obviously, it will be a much larger wheel chair than usual.
Madcap Comedian
The happy-go-lucky bouncy yellow-belly will not be looking forward to this Tuesday which will see the opening of the 1998 Fatty Expo. This universally reviled show will lampoon and poke fun at the ranks of spare tyres and waves of flab that fill the positions of power like a large strawberry Angel Delight. Still, should be good for a laugh.
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