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America's Most Wanted, fugitive Bill Clinton, was finally caught yesterday after a massive search operation by four law enforcement agencies. The FBI, CIA, Capitol and Washington PDs all participated in the three month operation.
The breakthrough came after an old widow phoned police to say she had seen an 'old, hairy guy buying Doritos' in a local store. However, the man she had seen turned out not to be Clinton but the town's kindergarten head. While police were responding to this unintentional hoax one eagle-eyed cop spotted another man who resembled Clinton. He had 'a huge hairy beard, and a T-shirt which read "Pro-Choice? Right to Life? Who damn well cares?" He was also wearing an NRA baseball cap. Blue, I think. There's one guy who's got head on straight, it's a shame we gotta bring him in.'
Forgotten Histories
Many European readers will perhaps be wondering what this once loved hero did. Back in the mid 1990's Bill Clinton was found out to have participated in a number of extra marital affairs. In general these were with Whitehouse interns, though there is nothing strictly wrong with this, in fact it is a presidential tradition dating back to Abraham Lincoln. What brought about his downfall was the flirting and subsequent consummation of his love for Speaker of the House, Newt Gingriech. This illicit homosexual affair took place in February 1998, though it remained secret until the beginning of May, when pictures began circulating on the internet. These photos depicted depraved acts of gratuitous gaiety and they 'somehow' found their way into the hands of Rev. Abraham B. Mayflower, the Catholic Bishop from Maine. He took the foul depictions of Satan's federal holiday to the Whitehouse and showed them to all his bum ch- chaplains. The outrage and anger which followed caused the story (and associated illustrations) to be the main news on all current affairs programs. The pictures were seen by more people even than the Pamela-Tommy video, making it the most viewed hard-core ever. Even the conservative Ricki Lake dedicated an entire program to federal employees who indulge in photographed sex acts. Unsurprisingly, they found they couldn't fit it all in one 45 minute show. After the 'affair' came to light President Clinton felt obliged to resign, and he was succeeded by his daughter, Chelsea, who became the first female President.
Civil Liberties
Unfortunately for the doughnut eating cops the manhunt wasn't quite over yet. The ex-marine Clinton fled into the hills where he hid in the trunk of pickup. It wasn't until another, unnamed, policeman felt inclined to relieve himself into said automobile that Bill, forgetting his survival training, lept up and shouted 'Who the hell d'ya think you are? Oh, shit!'. After this it was little more than a quick trundle down the mountain track for the obese cop to catch the tired fugitive.
This day sees the reaffirming of good Christian values on America, the re-establishment of sound thinking and civil rights and, most importantly, the banning of all queers across the whole of America.
Like Rats Jumping Ship
The controversial new President added to that same quality with the announcement that she has placed bounties of $250 on the heads of all gays. This has opened up a valuable means of sustenance for all of gun owning unemployed America, as Chelsea says herself 'We're helping YOU help yourself.'
The radical reforms are gaining favour with young people who like the liberal style of leadership. Republicans are also pleased with the way things are going, as the words Pat Buchannan adequately summarise 'anything that gets those damn fags out of our great nation has gotta be pretty damn good.'
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